"  Up  jumped  the  three  gamblers,  pistol  in  hand ;  but  before  either  could  grasp  the 
money,  they  were  seized  behind  by  three  stalwart  fellows ,  and  then  the  swearing 
commenced."— Page  95. 


PISFEY  WOODS  TAVEBH; 


SAM  SLICK  IN  TEXAS. 


"HOOPEE!  boys— whar  did  you  come  from,  and  what  are  you  doin'  here?"  roared 
out  Roberts  as  he  rode  up.  "  Doing !"  answered  Milward.  "  Why,  we  got  a  ducking 
crossing  that  abominable  creek,  and  thought  it  best  to  stop  at  this  fire  and  dry  off." 
"  Well,"  replied  Roberts,  "you  ain't  the  only  ones  that's  got  wet  leggins  and  saddle- 
seats  this  mornin';  but,  tell  ye  what,  boys,  ef  ye  hang  on  here  long  ye'll  get  a  worse 
wettin',  and  froze  up  besides." — Page  21. 


PHILADELPHIA: 
T.   B.   PETERSON  &  BROTHERS. 


PINEY  WOODS  TAVERN; 


OE, 


SAM  SLICK  IN  TEXAS. 


BY  THE 


AUTHOR   OF   "A   STRAY  YANKEE   IN  TEXAS,"  "ADVEN- 
TURES OP  CAPTAIN  PRIEST,"  ETC.,  ETC. 


9* 


««  HOOPEB  I  boys— whar  did  you  come  from,  and  what  are  you  doln'  here?"  roared 
out  Roberts,  as  he  rode  up.  "  Doing !"  answered  Mllward.  "  V7hy,  ire  gjt  i  ^.ucMng 
crossing  that  abominable  creek,  and  thought  it  best  to  stop  at  thitj  f>jr*  ftnc .  d?jr£ff." 
"  Well,"  replied  Roberts,  "  you  ain't  the  only  ones  that's  got  wev  iegginb  aud  swidle- 
•eats  this  mornin';  but,  tell  ye  what,  boys,  ef  ye  hang  on  lieu  long  ye'll  get  a  worse 
wettin',  and  froze  up  besides." — Page  21.  •  «  *  ." 


T.   B.   PETERSON    AND    BROTHERS; 
306   CHESTNUT    STREET. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1858,  by 
T.    B.    PETERSON, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States,  in  and  for 
the  Eastern  District  of  Pennsylvania, 


PREFACE. 


UPON  an  occasion  similar  to  this,  I  once 
remarked,  that  "  it  was  customary  for  a  writer, 
on  launching  his  frail  bark,  to  jump  up  in  the 
bow,  and  make  quite  a  bow-wow  about  it." 
This,  alas !  is  no  longer  true ;  and  curt  as  was 
the  author's  bow,  it  is  now  curtailed.  No  lon- 
ger does  he  lead  his  bantling  to  the  foot-lights, 
and  civilly  present  her  to  the  audience,  but 
cavalierly  thrusts  her  before  them,  without  a 
word,  or  even  the  scant  courtesy  of  Mr.  Merri- 
man — who  leaps  into  the  ring,  scrapes  the  saw- 
dust, and  cracks  his  whip,  with  a  familiar 
"  Here  you  are,  ladies  and  gentlemen." 

Now,  I  am  partially  in  the  condition  of  that 

well-known  French  lady,  who  wrote  to  her  hus- 

(iii) 

922975 


IV  PREFACE. 

band  because  she  had  nothing  to  do,  and  hav- 
ing imparted  that  important  piece  of  informa- 
tion, closed  her  letter  because  she  had  nothing 
to  say.  I  certainly  have  nothing  either  to  do 
or  to  say,  except  thus  to  enter  my  protest 
against  a  modern  innovation,  that  would  deprive 
the  Courteous  Reader — so  often  invoked  by  the 
old  School  of  Romancers — of  a  slight  but  time- 
honored  mark  of  respect. 

THE  AUTHOR. 


CONTENTS. 


PAGE 

PEEP  ACE vn 

INTRODUCTION ix 

CHAPTER  I. 
Creeks  and  Camp  Fires — A  Ducking  and  a  Drying 11 

CHAPTER  II. 
Backwoodsman  and  Yankee—A  Norther — The  Piney  Woods 

Tavern 21 

CHAPTER  III. 

The  Pedlar  Discourses  upon  Smart  Men,  and  Narrates  the 

amusing  History  of  Jacob  and  the  Flat-boat  Captain 30 

CHAPTER  IV. 
Barking  up  the  Wrong  Tree— The  Wrong  Inn  and  a  Hard 

Customer 39 

CHAPTER  V. 
Sam  Slick  has  the  Floor— Serving  Out  a  Landlord— How  to 

Make  a  Raise 49 

V 


VI  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  VL 

PAGE 

Uncle  Billy's  Discourse — Every  Man  Chew  His  Own  Tobacco    60 

CHAPTER  VII. 
The  Judge's  Story — The  Wrong  Bottle — A  Legend  of  Little 

Creek 72 

CHAPTER  VIII. 
Sad  Effects  of  Nutmeg,  and  a  Wonderful  Game  of  Poker. . .     80 

CHAPTER  IX. 

The  Lawyer's  Story — Colonizing  Dead  Man's  Island — A  tale 
of  the  Muriel)  times 86 

CHAPTER  X. 

The    Two    Doctors — Peter  Sham— Sham  Peter,    and    Salt 

Peter 99 

CHAPTER  XI. 
The  "Wrong  Pew — Mr.  Bunco  pays  an  early  and  unexpected 

Visit  to  the  Ladies' Cabin Ill 

CHAPTER  XII. 
Stockings  and  Garters— Wigs  and  Bare  Polls 121 

CHAPTER  XIII. 
Bustles  and  Breast  Works— A  Row  on  Board  Ship 130 

CHAPTER  XIV. 
The  Fatal  Milk  Bottle— Two  Truths  to  One  Lie. .  .  139 


CONTENTS.  vii 

CHAPTER   XV. 

PAGE 

Getting  a  Turkey  On— A  "  General"  Hunt 152 

CHAPTER  XVI. 
The  Big  Buckskin  Breeches  and  the  Little  Dutch  Tailor. ...  159 

CHAPTER  XVII. 
The  Bridge  Abridged — And  the  Pons  Asinorum 169 

CHAPTER  XVIII. 
'36  and  '42 — An  Invitation  to  a  Frolic 181 

CHAPTER  XIX. 
The  Fan-Tailed  Steamer— A  Fast  Crab 192 

CHAPTER  XX. 
Debil  in  de  Corn-field— Run  Boys,  Run 203 

CHAPTER  XXI. 
The  Bewildered  Corporal  and  the  Gallant  Volunteer. ......     216 

CHAPTER  XXII. 
Corporal  Jarboe  and  the  Blood-hound — The  Pioneers  Treed. . .  229 

CHAPTER  XXIII. 

A  Night  with  the   Rattlesnakes — Corporal   Jarboe  gets   a 
Bite 241 

CHAPTER  XXIV. 
Diamond  Cut  Diamond — A  Horse  Trade  and  a  Half.  ...,..•.  256 


viii  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  XXV. 

PAGE 

Mud  and  Water— The  Tobacco  Hunt 266 

CHAPTER  XXVI. 

X  The    San  Jacinto  Races — The    Little   Hero    and    the    Big 

Bully 278 

CHAPTER  XXVII. 
A  Rise  out  of  John  Bull,  and  the  Wooden  Dough-nuts 285 

CHAPTER   XXVIII. 
Sharp  Financiering  and  Dear  Indian  Meal 295 

CHAPTER  XXIX. 
Sam  Slick  in  Mischief. 306 

CHAPTER  XXX. 
At  the  End  of  His  Rope 308 


INTKODUCTION. 


No  Castle-in-the-air,  nor  Fancy-built  Mansion, 
is  this,  our  Piney  Woods  Tavern,  but  a  sub- 
stantial structure,  of  hewn  logs,  very  material 
indeed  in  their  nature. 

No  creatures  of  the  brain,  are  these,  the 
performers  in  our  merry  comedy,  but  living, 
breathing,  moving — some  of  them  very  moving 
— mortals. 

The  time  of  action  is  subsequent  to  the  era 
of  annexation,  but  prior  to  that  of  the  intro- 
duction of  Railways — those  Juggernauts  of  civi- 
lization, destined  soon  to  trample  all  the  ro- 
mance of  the  wilds  through  which  they  pass, 
beneath  the  remorseless  hoofs  of  their  Iron 
Horse,  and  to  frighten  Nature's  unsophisticated 
children  with  his  abominable  shriek. 


X  INTRODUCTION. 

Thank  Heaven,  there  will  long  be  many  a 
dense  thicket,  where  bear  and  panther,  wolf 
and  wild-cat,  may  find  refuge ;  many  a  prai- 
rie where  gentle  doe  and  timid  fawn  can  feed 
in  peace  ;  many  a  broad  league  of  primeval 
forest,  where  stalwart  oaks  and  lofty  pines  will 
rear  their  lofty  heads  proudly,  and  in  safety 
from  the  desecrating  axe — whose  virgin  soil, 
uncontaminated  by  cotton,  cane,  or  corn,  un- 
scathed by  plough,  mattock,  or  hoe,  will  gene- 
rously nurture  a  thousand  varieties  of  wild 
flowers,  that  fill  the  eye  with  beauty  and  the 
air  with  fragrance. 


THE  PINEY  WOODS'  TAYERN. 


CHAPTER  I. 

CKEEKS  AND  CAMP  FERES. — A  DUCKING  AND  A  DRYING. 

IF  any  one  is  dissatisfied  with  the  chills  of  a 
Northern  winter,  let  him  emigrate  to  Texas,  mount 
a  Spanish  tacky,  or  cane  pony,  put  off  into  the 
prairie,  and  face  a  January  norther  for  half  a  day 
— being,  probably,  when  overtaken  by  it,  at  least 
twenty  miles  from  any  where  or  any  body. 

If,  after  so  salutary  an  experience,  he  be  not 
perfectly  satisfied  with  Southern  hibernals,  or  is  in 
the  least  disposed  to  grumble  at  snow,  sleet,  or  ice 
in  their  proper  times  and  places,  he  must  be  a 
hard  man  indeed,  to  suit,  or  to  convince. 

On  a  fine  warm  morning  of  the  aforesaid  treach- 
erous month,  my  companion — a  Galveston  lawyer 


12  CKEEKS   AND  CAMP  FIRES. 

— and  I,  mounted  our  American  horses  at  the 
door  of  a  small  tavern  some  thirty  miles  west  of 
Houston,  and  set  forth  upon  our  journey — toward 
the  up-country. 

Blue  and  cloudless  were  the  heavens,  balmy 
and  spring-like  the  air,  bright  and  warm  the  sun, 
and  though  the  prairie  trail  was — from  the  com- 
bined presence  of  an  unlimited  quantity  of  mud 
and  water — in  about  as  deplorable  a  condition  as 
one  could  well  imagine,  yet,  exhilarated  by  the 
beauty  of  the  day,  our  spirits  rose,  and  our  horses 
fresh  and  in  fine  condition,  pushed  forward  at  a 
famous  rate. 

Our  starting  had  been  of  the  latest.  My  com- 
panion, Milward,  had  been  detained  a  full  hour, 
by  the  landlord  who  wished  to  consult  him 
upon  business — for  every  man  in  Texas,  even  if 
too  poor  to  own  a  horse  or  cow,  is  the  proprietor 
of  at  least  one  lawsuit,  and  no  lawyer  who  rides 
the  circuit  can  well  call  at  half  a  dozen  houses 
without  picking  up  a  job — and  so  the  sun  was 
well  up  when  we  set  forth. 

After  all  it  mattered  but  little ;  our  day's  ride 
and  its  termination  were  all  chalked  out  by  cir- 
cumstances beyond  our  control,  for  the  next  house 
of  call  was  distant  thirty  miles,  and  the  traveller 
in  Texas  who  desires  to  pay  for  what  accommoda- 
tion he  and  his  horse  may  receive,  and  who  does 


A   PATRIOTIC    MELLODY.  13 

not  wish  to  "  camp  out ;"  must  cut  his  <c  coat  ac- 
cording to  his  cloth,"  arrange  his  day's  journey 
according  to  his  stopping  places. 

Our  day's  ride — barring  accidents — therefore, 
arranged  itself — as  the  French  say.  Unless 
we  intended  to  compel  our  steeds  to  a  double 
day's  work,  Maiden  must  find  us  a  shelter  for  the 
night,  for  not  an  inn,  and  in  fact  but  one  house 
was  to  be  met  with  on  our  road,  for  thirty  miles 
beyond. 

A  few  moments  brought  us  to  a  creek  of  highly 
respectable  dimensions.  It  had  been  reported  to 
us  by  travellers,  the  previous  evening,  as  in  fair 
crossing  condition,  pretty  well  up,  but  not  swim- 
ming. 

I  looked  at  Milward,  and  Milward  looked  at 
•me.  We  both  whistled — not  "  Yankee  Doodle," 
<c  Hail  Columbia,"  or  any  ordinary  tune,  patriotic 
or  sentimental,  but  a  prolonged,  melancholy,  mo- 
notonous note,  which  is  used  to  express  in  musical 
language,  that  the  musician  is  suddenly  taken 
aback,  and  has  decidedly  put  his  foot  in  it. 

We  knew  the  creek  well ;  in  whatever  order  it 
might  have  been  the  previous  night,  the  fact  was 
perfectly  transparent,  indeed  as  clear  as  mud, 
that  if  we  intended  to  cross  this  stream,  it  could 
only  be  done  by  swimming. 

We    dismounted,  unstrapped   saddle-blankets, 


14:  CKEEKS   AND   CAMP   FIRES. 

and  took  off  saddle-bags ;  remounted,  threw  bags 
and  blankets  over  our  shoulders,  withdrew  our  feet 
from  our  stirrups,  and  in  we  and  the  horses  went ; 
three  steps  and  our  horses  lost  their  footing ;  a 
peculiarly  cooling  sensation  about  the  limbs,  and 
a  prominent  portion  of  the  nether  man,  which 
proved  conclusively  that  if  the  horses  could  not 
touch  bottom,  the  water  could;  a  swim  of  a 
couple  of  rods ;  a  struggle  at  the  opposite  bank  ; 
and  we  were  landed,  safe  but  certainly  not  quite 
sound — if  water-damage  be  taken  into  considera- 
tion. 

In  the  narrow  belt  of  timber  that  skirted  the 
farther  side  of  the  creek,  we  found  as  usual,  a 
smoking,  smouldering  log — the  remnants  of  a 
camp  fire ;  and  having  held  a  council  of  war  upon 
the  subject,  determined  to  call  and  dry  off — for 
fair  though  the  morning  might  be,  there  was  yet 
something  in  its  exceeding  fairness  that  made  us 
fear  for  the  evening.  Before  us,  not  a  house 
could  be  found  within  fifteen  miles^save  one,  and 
that  far  off  to  the  right,  and  distant  at  least  two 
miles  from  the  road.  So,  dismounting,  we  re- 
moved the  bits  from  our  horses,  mouths,  took  the 
caberos  from  the  saddle-bow,  and  securing  the 
animals,  by  fastening  one  end  of  the  rope  to  a 
clog  of  wood,  the  other  being  around  their  necks, 


MY  COUNTRYMAN   AND   YET   I  KNEW  HIM  NOT.  15 

we  rebuilt  the  fire,  lit  our  pipes,  and  set  to  work 
to  dry  our  wet  habiliments. 

Shortly  after,  a  snort  from  our  horses,  apprised 
us  of  the  approach  of  something  or  somebody ; 
then,  a  whicker  from  the  same  intelligent  quarter 
announced  that  some  of  their  kind  were  on  the 
way,  and  in  a  few  moments  we  heard  at  a  dis- 
tance, the  voices  and  laughter  of  men. 

"  Ten  chances  to  one,  now,"  said  Milward,  "  that 
they  are  some  disagreeable  fellows,  for  you  know 
the  next  settlement  does  not  enjoy  a  very  amiable 
reputation,  too  many  of  old  Yokum's  people 
stopped  there  tq  roost,  after  their  compulsory 
flight  from  Liberty  County." 

"  Perhaps,"  said  I,  "  but  here  we  can  stop  until 
they  pass,  and  it's  not  at  all  likely  they'll  want  to 
force  their  company  upon  us ;  if  they  try  it,  they 
won't  succeed." 

Here,  a  shrill  pipe,  whistling  a  tune  that  years 
ago  was  particularly  popular  at  down-east  train- 
ings, and  known  then  as  "  my  wife  is  sick,"  smote 
my  ear. 

"  A  countryman,  whether  I  know  him  or  not," 
said  I — "  genuine  Yankee  and  no  mistake." 

"  Well,  you've  served  out  Macbeth,  as  badly  as 
the  person  of  that  name  treated  both  sleep  and 
old  Duncan,  and  I  fear  you  are  no  more  correct 
in  your  conclusion  than  in  your  quotation ;"  re- 


16  CREEKS   AND  CAMP  FIKES. 

plied  Milward,  "  how  do  you  recognize  a  felloe 
Yankee?" 

"  By  acoustics,"  I  answered,  "  do  you  hear  thai 
infernal  tune  the  fellow's  whistling  :  now  thai 
exquisite  morceau  never  found  its  way  out  of  the 
down-east  country,  except  in  the  company  of  some 
man  of  more  than  one  yankee  power. 

Some  years  since,  a  fellow  named  Watkins  took 
it  into  his  head  that  his  cara  sposa  was  de  trop, 
and  so  shortened  her  breath  by  the  manual  com- 
pression of  her  windpipe ;  most  effectually  put- 
ting out  her  pipe  and  his  own  at  the  same  time, 
although  of  the  last  fact  he  was  not  then  aware. 
Of  course  another  woman  had  a  finger  in  the  pie, 
He  pretended  that  the  old  lady  departed  this 
world  in  search  of  another,  in  somewhat  of  a 
hurry  and  without  due  notice,  or  the  payment  of 
proper  toll  to  a  doctor  for  holding  the  candle  and 
opening  the  door  for  her  exit,  but  nevertheless  in 
rather  a  quiet  and  lamb-like  way  than  otherwise. 
In  fact,  "  went  out  like  a  candle,"  as  he  expressed 
it,  which,  if  he  had  introduced  an  extinguisher 
into  his  simile  would  have  been  quite  true. 

No  post-mortem  was  required  to  prove  his 
guilt,  for  that  thirst  for  knowledge,  so  particu- 
larly the  leading  characteristic  of  my  countrywo- 
men, induced  a  critical  examination  of  the  corpse 
the  first  moment  an  opportunity  presented  itself ; 


MAN  "HTJNQ"  AND  COMPANY  "DKAWN."      17 

and  besides  other  singular  appearances,  the  im- 
press of  a  certain  necklace  of  gold  beads  upon  her 
neck,  told  the  tale. 

The  fellow  was  hanged ;  and,  as  during  the 
memory  of  man  this  was  the  first  performance  of 
the  kind  ever  witnessed  in  the  county,  and  espe- 
cially as  the  show  was  all  open  and  above  board, 
and  better  yet,  "free,  gratis,  for  nothing,"  the 
major  part  of  the  population  of  Connecticut, 
about  half  of  Rhode  Island,  a  fair  representation 
of  Massachusetts,  and  numerous  delegates  from 
Yermont,  New  Hampshire  and  Maine,  were  pr§- 
sent  at  the  interesting  ceremony,  which  was  so 
managed  by  placing  the  gallows  upon  the  height 
of  a  side  hill,  that  the  whole  affair  was  plainly 
visible  to  the  assembled  thousands.  It  must  have 
been  a  consolation  to  the  poor  fellow,  that, 
although  generally  looked  down  upon  all  his  life, 
he  was  so  much  looked  up  to  at  its  close. 

It  was  necessary  that  Windham  County  should 
show  herself  worthy  of  the  honor  of  receiving  so 
large  a  representation  of  their  countrymen ;  and 
accordingly,  the  entire  military  and  musical  force 
of  the  county  was  turned  out.  It  consisted  of  one 
independent  company  of  infantry,  numbering, 
muskets  and  side  arms,  seventeen  men ;  one  troop 
of  light-horse,  in  bear-skin  caps  and  bobtail  coats ; 
in  all,  nineteen  saddles-full ;  and  for  music,  one 
2 


18  GREEKS   AND   CAMP   FIRES. 

* 

small  drummer  with  three  fifers  for  the  infantry, 
and  a  trumpeter,  who  played  on  the  key-bugle 
without  using  the  keys,  for  the  cavalry. 

On  that  occasion,  a  new  air  was  introduced, 
and  Mr.  Watkins  rattled  up  to  the  gallows  in 
double  quick,  to  the  tune  of  "  My  Wife  is  Sick." 
The  words,  and  the  only  ones  that  I  ever  knew  to 
be  married  to  this  delightful  mofceau,  are — 

"  My  wife  is  sick.     My  wife  is  sick. 
My  wife  is  sick  a  bed. 
My  wife  is  sick.     She's  always  sick. 
I  wish  that  she  was  dead." 

The  exquisite  nature  of  the  joke,  this  playing  of 
ideas  upon  circumstances,  thus  brought  forcibly, 
palpably,  and  tangibly  before  them — so  plainly 
indeed,  that  the  dullest  mind  was  enabled  to 
grasp  the  entire  jest  in  all  of  its  magnificent  de- 
tails, has  made  it  in  our  Eastern  land  the  most 
popular  piece  of  the  age.  Nay,  like  Aaron's  rod, 
for  a  long  time  it  swallowed  up  all  the  rest ; 
and  every  man,  woman,  and  child  went  home 
from  the  great  execution,  singing,  whistling,  or 
chirping — 

"  My  wife  is  sick." 

Its  popularity  has  not  diminished  by  age ;  it  has 
entirely  superseded  "  Yankee  Doodle,"  and  fairly 
extinguished  "Hail  Columbia,"  but  has  never 
crossed  the  line  of  the  Eastern  States,  save  in  the 


BILLY.  19 

company  of  some  genuine  son  of  the  soil,  as  I  said 
before." 

"  Well,  your  tale  has  been  of  the  longest,"  said 
Milward,  "for  there  they  come,  and  the  per- 
former of  your  national  air  is  certainly  the  most 
thorough-bred  Yankee  in  all  Texas;  his  com- 
panion I  believe  is  an  old  friend  of  yours." 

"  Old  Billy  Koberts,  as  I  live,"  replied  I. 


CHAPTER  II. 

BACKWOODSMAN    AND    YANKEE — A    NORTHER — THE 
PINEY  WOODS  TAVERN. 

"  HOOPEE  !  boys — whar  did  you  come  from, 
and  what  are  you  doin'  here  ?"  roared  out  Rob- 
erts, as  he  rode  up. 

"  Doing !"  answered  Milward.  "  Why,  we  got 
a  ducking  crossing  that  abominable  creek,  and 
thought  it  best  to  stop  at  this  fire  and  dry  off." 

"  Well,"  replied  Roberts,  "  you  ain't  the  only 
ones  that's  got  wet  leggins  and  saddle-seats  this 
mornin' ;  but,  tell  ye  what,  boys,  ef  ye  hang  on 
here  long  ye'll  get  a  worse  wettin7,  and  froze  up 
besides." 

"I  guess" — chimed  in  his  companion — "that 
Mister  Roberts  is  considerable  more'n  half  right. 
If  this  mornin' — most  amazin'  purty  too,  now 
ain't  it? — isn't  a  reg'lar  weather  breeder,  then  I 
never  see  one.  I  cal'late  we'd  best  be  a  pushin1 
on,  wet  legs  or  dry  ones,  or  we'll  catch  suthing  a 

nation  sight  worse,  afore  we  get  to  Maiden." 
20 


UNCLE    BILLY.  21 

"  Perhaps  so,"  replied  Milward  ;  "  but  being 
nearly  dry,  I  think  we'll  complete  the  job.  By 
the  way,  Uncle  Billy,  where  will  you  stop  at 
Maiden?" 

"  Why,  whar  I  allers  do.  Don't  you  know  I 
allers  roost  at  Calder's  ?"  answered  Eoberts  ;  "  and 
you'd  best  come  too.  Nutmegs,  here — pointing 
to  his  friend — is  goin'  there  too,  and  he's  the  most 
owdacious  critter  to  talk.  I'll  tell  the  madam  we 
said  "how  d'ye"  to  ye  on  the  road,  and  she'll 
keep  a  corner  for  ye  to  camp  down  in,  ef  they  are 
fall ;  but  I  tell  you  we  must  marvel ;  so  good-bye, 
catch  up  ye  kin.  Come  along  "  Nutmegs"  And 
off  he  rode,  followed  by  his  Yankee  friend. 

"  Well,  well,"  said  Milward,  as  they  rode  off, 
"  that  certainly  appears  the  most  ill-matched 
pair  you  ever  met.  You  know  what  a  straight- 
forward, honest,  brave-hearted  old  fellow  Eoberts 
is,  and  the  other  appears  to  be  his  very  antithesis, 
but  he  is  really  a  much  better  fellow  than  he 
seems.  His  name  is  Jared  Bunce,  and  he  claims 
to  be  a  lineal  descendant  of  his  great  namesake 
immortalized  by  Simms,  and  also  some  kind  of  a 
cousin  to  the  original  Sam  Slick.  I  can't  tell  for 
the  life  of  me  whether  there  is  any  truth  in  these 
stories  or  not,  but  he  has  told  the  last  so  often, 
that  "  Sam  Slick"  is  the  name  he  is  generally 
known  by,  only  uncle  Billy  will  call  him  "Nut- 


22  BACKWOODSMAN  AND  YANKEE. 

megs" — referring  to  his  native  State  and  his  for- 
mer business." 

"  His  former  business ;  pray  what  was  that  ?"  I 
inquired. 

"  Peddling,"  replied  my  friend,  "  but  in  some- 
what of  a  new  line.  Tears  ago,  when  there  was 
no  money  in  circulation  among  farmers  and  stock 
raisers,  Bunce  made  his  appearance,  with  a  light 
wagon,  loaded  with  all  kinds  of  notions,  which 
he  sold  right  and  left,  at  enormous  prices  ;  never 
asking  money,  but  taking  his  pay  in  cows  and 
calves,  at  the  usual  cattle-gatherings,  spring  and 
fall.  A  xjow  and  calf,  as  you  know,  passed  for 
ten  dollars — anVi  a  very  large  drove  indeed  did  he 
get  together  for  a  mere  triple.  In  fact,  I  do 
not  believe  they  really  cost  him  one  dollar  for 
the  pair. 

"  Beside  his  stock  of  traps,  he  also  must  have 
brought  quite  a  sum  of  money  to  the  country,  of 
which  he  spent  nothing,  being  upon  the  go  all  the 
time,  and  living  at  free  rack  and  manger  among 
his  customers,  with  whom  he  passed  for  a  jolly 
fellow,  always  ready  for  any  fun  that  might  be  on 
hand,  and  willing  to  do,  not  only  his  own  share 
of  talking  and  story-telling,  but  that  of  all  the  rest 
of  the  company." 

"  But,  Milward,"  inquired  I,  "  surely  Eoberts 
was  not  mixed  up  with  his  peddling  ?" 


UNCLE    BILLY.  23 

"  'JSTot  at  all,"  replied  he,  "  but  his  yarn-spin- 
ning propensities  first  attracted  Roberts'  attention 
— for  you  know  that  in  this  respect  they  are  con- 
geners; and  finding  out  he  was  a  much  better 
fellow  in  every  way  than  he  made  himself  out  to  • 
be — that  he  was  shrewd  in  business,  honest 
enough  after  his  own  fashion,  and  had  quite  an 
amount  of  ready  cash,  the  old  man  proposed  some 
land  transactions,  which  succeeded,  and  since  that 
time  they  have  worked  along  together  admirably 
in  double  harness ;  Roberts  finding  knowledge 
and  experience  in  selecting  and  locating  lands, 
and  Bunce  managing  the  sales,  exchanges,  and 
money  matters.  But  if  we  are  to*  be  sheltered 
beneath  the  same  roof  with  them  to-night,  you 
will  hear  enough  from  them  both.  Come,  let's 
catch  up  and  be  off." 

"  Off  it  is,"  said  I,  and  off  it  was,  in  short 
order ;  and  high  time,  too ;  for  so  much  of  the 
morning  was  already  wasted,  that  the  sun  had 
evidently  performed  half  his  journey,  while  we 
were  but  commencing  ours.  On  we  pressed  our 
horses ;  walking  them  over  wet  ground,  and  im- 
proving every  rod  of  dry,  with  a  trot.  It  cer- 
tainly was  not  exactly  a  pleasant  place  to  be 
caught  in  by  a  norther,  to  bear  its  first  brunt. 
Before  us,  at  a  distance  of  twelve  or  fourteen 
miles,  the  timber  was  just  visible ;  to  the  left,  a 


24:  BACKWOODSMAN   AND   YANKEE. 

broad,  unbroken  sea  of  prairie,  seemingly  without 
bounds ;  to  the  right,  prairie  again,  with  a  slight 
gray  border,  showing  where  the  rich  bottom  of 
the  San  Jacinto  shot  up  its  giant  trees  almost  to 
the  skies ;  behind  us,  excepting  the  meagre  tim- 
ber skirting  the  creek,  not  a  stick,  not  a  tree,  this 
side  of  Buffalo  Bayou  Woods.  Having  some  mis- 
givings ourselves  as  to  what  the  evening  might 
bring  forth,  and  a  good  deal  of  faith  in  Roberts' 
weather-wisdom,  we  exerted  our  horses  to  the 
utmost,  and  two  o'clock  found  us  within  a  mile 
or  two  of  the  end  of  our  prairie  road.  Immedi- 
ately before  us  arose  the  first  regular  hill  from  the 
coast — a  distance  of  eighty  or  ninety  miles.  The 
hill  was  not  much  of  a  hill  certainly,  but  it  was 
upland,  a  change  of  soil,  and  an  improvement 
upon  the  desolate  winter-killed  prairie  over  which 
we  had  been  travelling. 

While  I  was  congratulating  myself  upon  the 
prospective  improvement,  the  voice  of  Milward — 
who  was  some  little  distance  behind — called  me 
to  halt,  and  look  to  the  right.  There  it  was; 
plain  to  be  seen  ;  an  inky  wall  sweeping  on 
toward  us  with  lightning  speed,  shutting  out  and 
veiling  from  our  view  every  object  behind  it. 

"  Well,"  said  I,  as  Milward  rode  up ;  "  well, 
and  what  now  ?" 

"  Take  it  like   men,"   answered  he.    "  If  we 


A   NORTHER.  25 

have  dawdled  into  it  like  fools.  The  timber 
ahead  will  save  us  some  from  the  wind,  and  as  to 
stopping  at  this  settlement,  I  vote  against  it." 

"  Agreed,"  said  I,  "  and  now  to  prepare  for  the 
worst." 

We  dismounted,  and  having  secured  our  blan- 
kets, Mexican  fashion,  binding  us  around  more 
closely  and  securely  than  a  cloak,  and  furnishing 
also  a  hood  to  draw  over  our  heads,  we  re- 
mounted, and  were  scarce  in  our  saddles  when 
the  norther  struck  us. 

T$o  one  that  has  not  yet  experienced  it,  or  felt 
the  effects  of  a  West  India  hurricane,  can  realize 
the  force  of  a  norther's  first  blast.  Our  horses 
staggered,  and  we  scarce  could  keep  our  seats. 
Nor  was  this  the  worst;  a  blinding,  cutting  storm 
of  rain  and  sleet  accompanied  it.  We  clapped 
spurs  to  our  horses,  and  away  we  dashed,  through 
mud  and  through  water,  until  we  reached  the 
creek  at  the  foot  of  the  timber,  and  which  at 
this  point  divides  the  coast  or  prairie  country 
from  the  upland,  or  oak  and  pine  lands.  The 
stream  was  full,  but  not  stopping  this  time,  ex- 
cept to  throw  our  saddle-bags  over  our  shoulders, 
we  dashed  in,  found  it  not  quite  swimming, 
splashed  through,  and  were  in  the  timber,  and 
comparatively  sheltered  from  the  fierce  wind, 


26  BACKWOODSMAN   AND   YANKEE. 

although  in  a  farmore  dangerous  situation  even 
than  while  on  the  prairie. 

From  every  quarter  came  the  roar  of  the  fall- 
ing trees — to  the  right — to  the  left — in  our  rear — 
immediately  before  us  —  sometimes  obstructing 
our  very  path,  and  causing  us  to  make  a  detour  / 
a  shower  of  limbs  and  twigs  falling  continually 
around  and  upon  us  ;  but  we  were  in  for  it,  and 
away  we  sped. 

The  pace  was  beginning  to  tell  upon  our  cat- 
tle, and  however  hard  it  rained  out,  we  were 
forced  to  rein  in. 

It  was  full  six  o'clock  when  we  rode  into  the 
little  town  of  Maiden,  uninjured  indeed  by  the 
war  of  elements  and  wreck  of  timber,  but  misera- 
bly cold,  wet,  and  draggled.  A  roaring  fire  in 
the  room  appropriated  to  travellers — for  except 
upon  special  occasions,  there  was  but  one — a  par- 
tial change  of  attire,  and  something  hot,  improved 
matters  exceedingly,  and  we  entered  the  supper- 
room  ;  where,  besides  several  old  friends,  we 
found  Koberts  and  Bunce,  and  received  some 
ironical  compliments  upon  our  rate  of  speed,  and 
congratulations  upon  our  safe  arrival. 

Supper  concluded,  and  we  returned  to  the  trav- 
ellers' room,  a  long  cabin,  built  of  hewn  pine  logs, 
chinked  and  lined,  with  two  doors,  one  window, 
without  sash  or  glass,  closed  by  a  rude  shutter, 


PROVISIONS   FOR   THE   CAMPAIGN.  27 

and  an  enormous  open  chimney,  in  which  blazed 
a  fair-sized  load  of  wood. 

For  furniture,  four  large  double  beds,  a  rude 
table,  and  a  dozen  or  so  of  straight,  up  and-down, 
split-bottom,  regular  backwood  chairs  completed 
the  inventory. 

Roberts  and  Bunce  ;  Ricard  a  judge  of  pro- 
bate ;  Allen,  a  physician  of  the  neighborhood ; 
Wiggins,  the  principal  storekeeper  ;  Mil  ward  and 
I,  were  the  guests. 

Scarcely  were  we  seated  around  the  huge 
hearth,  when  Roberts  opened  the  door  leading 
into  the  supper-room,  and  called  out  loudly  for 
"Ned." 

"  Now,  Ned,  my  sonny,"  said  the  old  man — 
when  Ned,  a  jolly  looking  negro  boy — who  filled 
the  various  offices  of  major-domo,  waiter,  and  ost- 
ler —  made  his  appearance.  "  Now  Ned,  my 
sonny !  you  tell  the  madam  to  send  us  in  suthin'  to 
wood  up  with,  this  cold  night.  And  Ned,  my 
boy,  let's  hev  a  hull  raft  of  wood.  Here,  Ned, 
here's  suthin  to  brighten  you  up  ;  and  mind,  don't 
forget,  a  plenty  of  both." 

"  Ki  !  ole  Mossa,"  answered  the  boy — "  tirik 
Ned's  a  fool,  and  neva  see  you  afore  ?  Why  look 
hea,  ole  mossa,  mistiss  done  sent  Rushey  down  to 
the  grocery  arter  peach  and  de  ole  stuff,  soon's 
neva  she  see  you  ride  up.  Oh,  ki !  de  mistiss 


28  BACKWOODSMAN   AND   YANKEE. 

sense  ain't  done  gone  yet.  Mossa  uncle  Billy, 
you's  been  hea  afore." 

"  Thar,  now  clar  out,  and  get  the  stuff,  Ned," 
replied  Roberts  ;  "  and  don't  forget  that  Sam  Slick 
here  '11  hev  a  dry  wizzen  a  heap  of  times  afore 
mornin'."  * 

"  He's  the  most  owdacious  crittur  for  talkin', 
gentlemen/'  continued  he,  addressing  us — "  the 
most  owdacious  crittur  for  talkin'  you  ever  hearn 
tell  on;  but  I  reckon  most  on  ye's  heard  him 
give  tongue  afore." 

"  Well,  I  guess  if  any  man  can  take  the  shine 
out  of  you,  uncle  Billy,  'taint  me,"  retorted  the 
cidevant  pedlar,  "  though  I'm  willin'  to  own  up 
that  I'm  ginerally  considered  to  rather  have  a  gift 
that  way  myself." 

"  Jest  wait  till  ye  get  your  feet  in  the  stirrups ; 
only  wait  till  you  strike  the  right  kind  of  a  trail," 
replied  Eoberts,  "  and  ef  you  ain't  more  wind  and 

bottom  than  ary  hound  in  my  pack,  then but 

dern  my  skin,  ef  they  ain't  all  pretty  well  knowin7 
to  your  ways  here." 

,  "  All,  I  believe,"  said  Milward,  "  except  my 
friend  Paxson.  Paxson,  this  is  Sam  Slick  Es- 
quire, although  he  signs  his  notes  Jared  Bunce — 
and  mighty  good  notes  they  are,  too,  when  they're 
signed -that  way." 

"  Now  quit  your  pokin'  fun  at  me,  Milward ;  but 


29 

Pm  proud  to  git  acquainted  with  you,  mister, 
though  ;  glad  to  see  you  ;  been  well?"  said  Bunce 
— dividing  his  speech  between  my  friend  and  my- 
self, and  winding  up  with  a  regular  pump-handle 
shake  of  my  hand. 

"  Don't  you  believe  more  than  half  he  says," 
returned  Milward  ;  "and  above  all,  Paxson,  don't 
trade  with  him  ;  he's  a  clever  fellow  and  all  that 
kind  of  thing,  but  is  generally  allowed  to  be  the 
smartest  man  this  side  of  the  Sabine." 

"  Oh,  get  out  you,"  answered  Bunce.  "  Smart 
men's  mighty  scarce,  I  cal'late.  I  ain't  made  of 
the  right  kind  of  timber,  I  guess ;  considerable 
too  brash ;  I've  got  my  own  idees  about  that  sub- 
ject." 

"  I  knowed  it,"  said  Roberts ;  "  and  sence  you 
hev  got  idees,  let's  hev  'em;  jest  spit  'em  out." 


CHAPTER  m. 

THE  PEDLER  DISCOURSES  UPON  SMART  MEN,  AND  NAR- 
RATES  THE  AMUSING  HISTORY  OF  JACOB  AND  THE 
FLAT-BOAT  CAPTAIN. 

"A  RALE  smart  man,"  said  the  Yankee — evi- 
dently setting  out  for  a  yarn,  "  a  rale  smart  man, 
now — what  you  call  smart  here,  down  South — - 
ain't  met  with  no-where  much  oftener'n  once  in 
a  month  of  Sundays.  You'll  find  plenty  of  men, 
now,  that's  most  astonishing  smart  at  one  thing  or 
another.  There's  a  Mississippi  gambler,  you'll 
say  he's  smart  at  kerds ;  and  a  chap  like  that  Col- 
ton — up  the  road  apiece — and  he's  a  most  aston- 
ishin,  A  number  one,  superfine,  double-extra  judge 
of  a  horse,  that's  a  fact, — a  chap  like  that  Colton, 
a  rale  double-dyed-in-the-wool  horse-jockey,  you'll 
say  is  smart  in  horses ;  but  I  guess  it  takes  pretty 
much  another  sort  of  a  chap  to  be  a  smart  man — 
that  is  smart-by-itself-smart,  as  they  used  to  say 
the  alphabet  .when  my  father  was  about  knee-high 

to  an  injin  puddin'. 
30 


"CUTE"  AND  "SMAKT."  31 

"Our  down-easter's  is  cute  enough,  but  that 
don't  come  up  to  my  idees  of  smartness,  by  a  jug- 
full.  A  smart  man  must  be  a  most  astonishin' 
keerful  one,  and  know  how  to  lay  out  the  rocks 
that  he  scrapes  up,  so's  that  they'll  be  growin' 
while  he's  a  sleepin'.  I  tell  you,  Uncle  Billy,  a 
man  must  not  only  be  most  amazin  cute,  but  he 
must  be  cute  enough  not  to  show  it " 

"In  fact"  said  Milward,  interrupting  him,  "he 
must  be  an  universal  genius,  and  realize  what 
Kochfocault  declared  to  be  an  impossibility,  not 
only  Jin,  but  also  plus  fin  que  tours  les  autres" 

"  Well  I  guess  you'r  more  ner  half  right,  Squire," 
continued  Bunce.  "  Although  I  did  not  get  the 
hull  sense  of  what  your  friend  with  the  Choctaw 
name  says  about  it.  I  airit  much  given  to  talking 
Latin,  now-a-days,  though  I  was  a  most  bunkum 
at  it  when  I  went  to  school,  I  tell  you — gin'rally 
allowed  to  be  the  first  best  there  was  in  the 
academy.  Went  through  more'n  half  the  History 
Sacry  in  one  quarter,  and  I  guess  there's  no  tellin' 
how  cute  a  lawyer  or  minister  I'd  a  made  if  I 
had'nt  met  with  an  accident." 

"An  accident?"  inquired  Milward. 

4  Yes,  an  accident,  but  that  ain't  nothin'  on 
earth  to  do  with  smart  men — it's  a  chestnut  horse 
of  another  color,  I  guess — tell  you  by'm  bye,  may 


32      THE   PEDLER   DISCOURSES  UPON   SMART   MEN. 

be,  but  just  now  I'm  clear  behind  the  light-house 
with  my  subject. 

Afore  I  come  here,  Squire,  I  used  to  think  a 
heap  of  our  Yankee  smartness,  but  I  tell  you,  to 
make  a  rale  downright  go-ahead  animal,  there 
ain't  iiothin  under  the  sun  that  can  hold  a  candle 
to  a  backwood's  edication,  now  that's  a  fact,.  I  tell 
you ;  the  necessity  for  relyin'  entirely  on  himself, 
and  distrustin'  other  folks,  and  all  nicely  kivered 
up  by  an  open  good-natur'd  face,  and  rough  off- 
hand obligin'  ways,  beats  one  of  our  college 
sheep-skins  all  to  sticks.  If  a  man  don't  learn 
to  read  and  write  quite  so  cute,  he  finds  out  how 
to  meet,  and  how  to  deal  with  the  keen  chaps  that 
he  must  rub  against,  when  he  goes  out  into  the 
world. 

I  guess  now,  Squire,  that  when  you  come 
acrost  a  rale  smart  man,  you'll  find  his  honesty 
don't  keep  him  awake  nights.  He  always  keeps 
to  the  windard  of  the  law,  but  I  guess  he'll  sail 
plaguy  nigh  the  wind.  He  gives  his  conscience 
a  mighty  free  sheet,  I  tell  you,  but  keep  his  no- 
tions of  his  duties  to  the  world  and  his  neighbors, 
most  amazin'  close  hauled. 

There's  Jacob  B ,  the  financier  as  folks 

call  him  now-a-days,  was  called  a  most  astonish- 
ing cute  chap  when  he  lived  to  York;  and  "  cute," 
I  guess,  is  about  as  near  as  men  in  the  North  ever 


JACOB   AND  THE  BANK.  33 

come  to  bein'  smart,  though  I  tell  you,  some  of 
our  true  blue  Yankees  only  want  a  leetle  enlarge- 
ment of  idees,  and  a  leetle  opener  puss  and 
manners,  to  go  the  hull  figur'. 

Now,  as  I  was  a  sayin',  Jacob  was  called  most 
a  mighty  cute  chap  and  no  mistake,  when  to  York. 
He  knew  how  to  coax  a  pile  of  dollars  out  of 
your  pocket  into  his'n  most  amazin'  slick,  but  he 
couldn't  keep  quiet  about  it,  and  as  he  wasn't  the 
only  cute  chap  down  there  by  a  few  thousand, 
while  he  was  a  chucklin'  and  a  shakin'  his  fat 
sides  at  the  game  he'd  been  playing,  somebody 
else  of  his  own  breed  would  kinder  sneak  up,  and 
afore  you  could  say  Jack  Robinson,  be  off  with 
Jacob's  bone  in  his  own  mouth. 

When  I  was  a  boy  I  used  to  read  a  story  about 
a  fox,  and  a  crow  that  had  stole  a  piece  of  cheese. 
Well  I  guess  that  fable  was  consideble  like  the 
history  of  most  of  Jacob's  operations. 

They  do  say,  when  he  was  younger,  if  folks 
trusted  him  right  out,  that  he  did  first  rate  for  'em, 
but  if  they  didn't,  and  only  half  trusted  him,  and 
sorter  tried  to  hopple  him,  they'd  a  plaguy  sight 
best  let  him  alone,  I  cal'late — and  when  any  one 
tried  to  run  a  cross-cut  saw  on  him,  I  guess  they'd 
best  look  pretty  sharp  for  number  one. 

He  played  the  beatinest  kind  of  a  game  with 

the  old  Fulton  Bank,  down  to  York,  that  ever  you 
3 


34      THE  PEDLER  DI8COUESES  UPON   SMART  MEN. 

hearn  tell  on.  I  guess  it  all  come  straight's  a 
ram's  horn  in  the  eend,  though.  For  a  while  he 
knocked  the  stock  up  and  down,  banged  it  into 
one  corner  and  kicked  it  into  another ;  laughed  at 
the  bank,  set  other  folks  to  laughin1  too,  and 
poked  all  kinds  of  fun  at  it.  But  the  old  bank's 
a  standin  yet,  and  holds  up  its  head  among  the 
first  best,  whilst  Jacob  found  York  mostly  too 
*  warm  a  latitude,  years  and  years  ago.  One  day 
Jacob  sent  notice  to  the  bank  that  he  shtruld  want 
twenty-five  thousand  dollars  in  specie,  and  it  would 
be  called  for  at  two  o'clock.  Well,  he  did  it  just 
a  purpose  to  plague  the  bank,  and  the  clerks  all 
knew  it,  so  they  sent  round  to  the  other  banks 
borrowin'  all  the  small  change  they  could  get,  and 

when  Mr.  B called  with  his  porter  arter  the 

specie,  there  it  was,  all  in  a  row  of  little  bags,  all 
ready,  not  a  coin  bigger'n  a  quarter,  and  mostly 
in  ninepences,  and  fourpences,  and  dimes,  and 
half  dimes. 

Well,  when  the  check  was  gin  in,  and  his 
pile  pinted  out,  the  clerks  begin  to  snicker,  and 
they  expected  to  see  him  in  a  most  superfine  pas- 
sion, but  that  wasn't  his  game ;  he  was  jest  as 
polite  as  a  Frenchman,  and  as  mild  as  mothers' 
milk.  He  walks  up  to  the  bags,  onties  every  one, 
counts  'em,  figures  it  all  down,  and  then  he 
marches  up  to  the  receivin*  clerk,  lookin'  's  if 


SHARP  FINANCIERING.  35 

butter  wouldn't  melt  in  his  mouth,  and  says 
he:— 

"  Mister,  I  shan't  want  this  specie  arter  all.  I've 
took  a  leetle  but  will  deposit  the  rest,  and  I'll 
leave  my  man  here  while  you  jest  run  it  over,  and 
see  that  its  all  right. 

I  call'ate  if  any  man  ever  seen  a  sudden  change 
in  the  shape  of  folks'  mouths,  it  was  just  about 
then ;  it  was  most  a  superfine  cute  trick  in  Jake, 
and  no  mistake. 

Now,  when  he  got  to  Orleans,  I  guess  he  found 
himself  in  a  different  latitude,  and  I  cal'late  it's 
been  pretty  much  diamond  cut  diamond,  ever 
sense. 

Most  a  powerful  rough-lookin'  flat-boat  captain, 
sold  him  out  a  bargain,  and  cut  up  a  most  amazin' 
slick  curlecue  with  him,  I  guess.  It  was  about 
the  time  when  dimes  passed  for  goods,  eight  for 
a  dollar ;  but  arter  the  brokers  got  to  havin'  'em 
made  by  steam ;  and  the  up-country  folks  used  to 
sell  out  their  stuff  for  money,  take  the  money  and 
l)uy  dimes — and  then  take  the  dimes  and  buy 
coffee  and  sugar — it  was  a  mighty  cute  game 
while  it  lasted,  but  soon  run  out. 

Now,  what  sot  Captain  Broadhorn  on  Jacob,  's 
consideble  more  'n  I  kin  tell ;  maybe  he  'd  been 
shaved  so  clus  in  that  shop  that  the  blood  come, 
or  maybe  some  of  his  friends  had ;  any  how,  he 


36        THE  PEDLER  DISCOURSES  UPON  SMART  MEN. 

watched  his  chance  when  Jacob  was  alone  in  his 
office,  and  seemed  to  be  in  a  pesky  hurry  to  get 
away — for  he  was  a  runnin'  to  the  door  every 
minit,  to  see  if  some  one  wasn't  comin'  to  let  him 
off.  So  Captin  Broadhorn  seein7  the  sign  was 
right,  first  sent  a  man  in  with  a  thousand  dollar 
bill  on  the  Canal  Bank  to  get  changed,  and  then 
walked  in  himself,  and  asked  what  he  could  buy 
a  thousand  dollars  worth  of  dimes  at  ? 

"  Nine  and  a  half  to  the  dollar,"  said  Jacob. 

"  Got  'em  here  ?"  asked  the  captain. 

"  Not  this  minit,"  says  Jacob,  "  but  my  son  will 
be  here  in  a  jiffy,  and  he'll  get  'em  for  you." 

Well,  the  son  come  back,  and  was  sent  out  arter 
the  dimes,  and  the  minit  he  got  'em,  the  old  man 
told  him  to  count  out  to  the  stranger  what  he  want- 
ed ;  and  off  he  lined  it,  to  see  somebody  or  suthin' 
that  wanted  shaving  consideble  bad,  I  guess. 

Jacob  junior  counted  out  the  dimes,  and  Cap- 
tain Broadhorn  sacked  'em  putty  spry  in  his  puss, 
which  was  the  regular,  no  mistake,  fashionable 
Mississippi  pattern,  made  out  of  a  Saint  Louis 
shot  bag ;  and  when  he'd  got  it  sacked,  out  he  put 
for  the  street. 

"Hold  on,"  sings  out  Jacob  junior,  "I  guess 
I'll  take  the  thousand  dollars,  captin." 

"  Paid  the  old  man,"  says  Broadhorn ;    "  gin 


37 

him  a  thousand  dollar  bill,  Canawl  Bank ;  he  put 
it  in  that  dror." 

Well,  Junior  he  looks,  and  there  was  the  bill 
straight  as  a  shingle,  and  out  put  Broadhorn  in  a 
little  bigger  hurry  'n  old  Jake  was  himself. 

I  once  see  a  the-o-ter  play  down  tu  York,  and 
there  was  an  old  Jew  in  it,  and  there  was  a  fellow 
run  away  with  his  daughter  and  his  money  puss ; 
and  if  there  ever  was  a  critter  ravin',  tarrin'  mad, 
it  was  this  old  Mister  Shycock  or  Slycock,  or 
whatever  his  name  was.  I  never  see  such  work 
as  he  made  on  it ;  a  runnin'  up  and  down  the 
floor,  and  a  pullin'  at  his  wig,  and  frothin'  at  the 
mouth  like  a  hoss  with  the  blind  staggers.  Now, 
if  any  of  you  ever  see  it,  you  kin  git  a  pretty  fair 
idee  how  old  Jacob  went  on  when  he  found  how 
he  was  took  in  and  done  for,  and  what  a  complete 
rise  old  Broadhorn  had  took  out  of  him. 

The  police  was  sot  to  work,  and  sure  enough 
they  found  old  Broadhorn.  He  wan't  a  goin'  to 
cut  and  run,  not  he.  They  got  him  afore  the 
Recorder,  and  the  two  Jacobs  swore  like  blue 
blazes  agin  him,  but  the  captain  stuck  to  it,  he'd 
paid  the  thousand  dollar  bill.  Arter  they'd  got 
through,  pretty  nigh  all  the  flat-boatmen  in  Or- 
leens  come  up,  and  if  they  didn't  swear  strong 
about  Broadhorn's  character  I  guess  it's  a  pitty. 

According  to  them,  he  was  about  fifty  per  cent. 


38        THE  PEDLER  DISCOURSES  UPON  SMART  MEN. 

honester  than  any  other  man  in  Dlinoise,  and 
equal  to  about  four  preachers  and  a  half.  He 
could  drive  a  nail  at  sixty  yards,  drink  more  whis- 
key than  any  other  man  on  the  river,  and  be  so- 
berer arter  he'd  got  it  down  than  anybody  else 
that  never  see  a  drop  in  their  lives.  He  could 
out-fiddle  all  created  beins,  out-jump  a  wild-hoss, 
whip  seven  times  his  own  weight  in  any  kind  of 
animated  natur' ;  and  it  was  hard  to  find  what  he 
hadn't  done  or  couldn't  do,  exceptin'  to  take  dimes 
without  payin'  for  'em.  Well,  they  made  him 
out  to  be  a  most  superfine  kind  of  a  hard-fisted 
angel  without  wings. 

The  judge  said,  that  there  wasn't  much  testi- 
mony to  be  relied  on  ;  that  it  depended  more  on 
character  and  veracity;  that  the  stranger  had 
proven  his'n  pretty  clear;  that  Mr.  B.'s  was  well 
known,  and  didn't  want  provin' — (and  here,  I  tell 
you,  old  Baldwin,  he  was  recorder  then,  grinned) 
— and  that  he  rather  thought  he  must  give  it  agin 
Mister  B. 

I  guess  sometimes  'tain't  so  clever  to  have  a 
character  arter  all ;  and  I'm  consideble  certain 
that  there  is  such  a  thing  as  bein7  a  little  too 
amazin7  smart. 


CHAPTEE  IY. 

BARKING  UP  THE  WRONG  TREE — THE  WRONG  INN,  AND 
A  HARD  CUSTOMER. 

BUNCE  having,  at  this  period  of  his  discourse, 
paused  to  refresh  himself  with  a  moderate  glass  of 
the  "red-eye,"  and  after  his  thirst  was  allayed, 
producing  half  a  plug  of  cavendish,  and  proceed- 
ing to  slice  off  a  bit  as  large  as  a  hickory-nut,  for 
immediate  consumption,  Uncle  Billy  determined 
to  improve  the  opportunity,  and  make  an  attempt 
to  "  get  even,"  as  he  would  have  expressed  it. 

"Tell  ye  what,  gentlemm,  I  rayther  reckon 
"  Wooden  Nutmegs"  thar  ain't  shootin'  quite  so 
wide  of  the  centre,  in  his  preachment  about  smart 
men,  and  them  that's  too  consarned  smart. 

"  Bein*  too  smart's  a  kind  of  an  ailment,  and  I 
allow  we  must  all  on  us  catch  it  oncet,  just  like 
the  measles  or  the  chicken-pox.  Some  men  its 
constertutional  with,  and  them  it  sticks  to  like  a 
possum  to  a  persimmon  limb. 

Some  men  catches  it  from  thar  neighbors,  and 

39 


40  BARKING   UP   THE  WRONQ  TREE. 

it  mostly  wars  off,  arter  a  while ;  and  some  agin 
it  hangs  to  like  a  chinkapin  bur  to  a  she-nig- 
ger's wool. 

Now,  this  "  bein'  too  smart"  has  a  heap  of  rammi- 
fication — as  the  man  said  about  his  six-shooter — 
and  one  on  em,  and  the  biggest  chunk  of  a  hog  in 
the  hull  drove,  by  a  long  shot,  is  "  Parkin  up  the 
urong  tree"  leastways  that's  how  we  baptize  it. 
"  Nutmegs"  thar,  he'd  call  it  "  sliootiri  yer  granny" 
and  it's  pretty  much  knowed  in  the  white  settle- 
ments as  "finding  a  mar's  neest ;"  but  hit's  all  the 
same  I  reckon  in  the  long  run. 

Thar's  some  folks  now  that's  a  leetle  too  smart 
to  live  on  this  yearth — t'ain't  over  safe  to  let  'em 
go  round  alone,  and  I  allow  when  I  war  a'groin' 
up,  that  I  war  one  on  'em. 

Ivry  one  knows  me,  or  a  smart  chance  of  'em 
do — for  that  jofired  Stray  Yankee  went  and  put 
me  down  in  the  book,  he  writ,  name  and  all — just 
as  piert  as  a  puppy,  and  I  ain't  the  ondly  one, 
nither,  that  he  sarved  out ;  but,  as  I  wer  a  sayin', 
evry  one  knows  that  I  wer  raised  in  old  Tennessee, 
then  toted  off  to  Alabam,  and  settled  on  the 
Warrior,  and  then  put  out  for  Texas. 

Now,  when  I  moved  to  a  new  county  I  got  my 
consate  took  out  of  me,  I  tell  ye ;  but  somehow 
or  'nother,  I  sorter  fancied  a  piece  ago,  that 


UNCLE    BILLY  AT  WASHINGTON.  41 

notliin'  would  do  but  I  must  go  to  Washington, 
and  see  Mr.  Polk  augerated. 

I'd  made  a  big  crap  and  bed  a  smart  chance  of 
the  rocks  in  my  old  shot-bag,  and  I  hed  bisness 
to  see  too,  though  I  might  hev  got  that  put 
through  a  heap  cheaper  if  I'd  staid  on  the  plan- 
tation. 

Well,  one  fine  mornin'  my  bills  war  up  for  the 
white  settlements,  and  off  I  put ;  rid  down  to 
Houston ;  found  a  little  one-horse  boat  a  going  to 
the  Island,  and  then  took  the  shute  for  Orleans. 
So  on  I  went  to  Mobile,  up  the  Warrior  to  my 
old  stampin'  ground^  up  agin  to  the  old  State, 
and  arter  spendin'  a  week  or  so  among  my  kin, 
made  a  bee-line  for  Washington. 

Some  how,  when  I  come  to  get  back  agin 
among  white  folks,  and  to  see  thar  queer  waySj 
my  old  smartness  sorter  broke  out  agin. 

Well,  I  got  to  Washington  without  runnin' 
afoul  of  ary  snag,  and  me  and  a  friend  that  wer 
along,  set  out  to  find  a  place  whar  we  could  get 
to  stay. 

I  tell  you,  genilemen,  ef  the  city  warn't  bilin' 
over,  that's  no  mistake.  Ivry  hotel  war  full  of 
strangers,  and  it  took  so  long  to  hunt  up  a  roostin' 
place,  that  I'm  "dog  on"  ef  I  hadn't  half  a  mind 
to  try  campin'  out. 

Hows'ever  we  found  what  we  wanted  arter  a 


4:2  BARKING  UP  THE   WRONG  TREE. 

piece,  got  fed,  and  then  put  out  to  hunt  up  some 
men  that  we  reckoned  war  in  town. 

My  friend  wanted  to  pick  up  a  nigger  to  pilot 
us  about  the  streets,  but  I  was  too  jofired  smart 
for  that. 

Ses  I,  "  do  ye  think  a  feller  that  kin  find  his 
way  in  ary  timber  without  a  compass,  and  across 
the  perara,  without  ary  trail,  wants  a  man  to  show 
him  up  and  down  sech  trails  as  what  is  in  this 
settlement  ?  Jest  look  at  the  lamps ;  why  its  a 
rale  blazed  road  and  no  mistake. 

Out  we  put,  and  afore  long  fetched  up  to  a  big 
buildin'  that  had  a  place  down  stairs  with  a 
counter  in  it  like  a  hotel  bar.  In  we  went ;  my 
friend  walked  back  whar  some  men  war  standin', 
to  mquire,  and  I  took  hold  of  a  big  book  that  war 
layin'  on  the  counter,  and  turned  it  round  to  look 
at  the  boarders'  names. 

Jest  as  I  got  it  square  afore  me,  an  audacioua 
piert  lookin'  chap  that  wer  standin'  behind  the 
bar,  catches  hold  of  the  book  and  sings  out 
"  Hallo  !  who  the  blazes  are  ye,  and  what  are  ye 
doing  with  our  ledger  ?" 

"Ledger,"  says  I,  "  ain't  that  your  register?" 

"  Eegister !"  says  he,  "  whar  in  thunder  do  ye 
think  ye  are  ?" 

"  Are  ?"  say  I,  a  beginin'  to  feel  squally.  "  Are ! 
why  in  a  hotel,  to  be  shurd." 


IN  A  TIGHT  PLACE.  43 

"Hotel  be  derned!"  hollers  this  chap,  gettin' 
mad  and  lookin'  savage  as  a  meat-axe,  "  why  ye 
greenhorn  this  is  Corcoran  and  Riggs'  office,  and  I 
rayther  reckon  your  anxious  mother  don't  know 
ye'r  out." 

Gentlemen,  ef  any  of  ye  war  ever  catched 
stealin'  coppers  outen  them  preambulatin'  beggin' 
boxes  that  goes  round  the  meetins,  then  ye  can 
appreciate  my  feelins.  We  walked  out  quiet  and 
docious,  give  a  darkey  a  quarter  to  show  us 
home,  and  marvelled  off  with  our  tails  atween 
our  legs. 

But  I  rayther  reckon  that  this  warnt  the  fust 
ner  the  last  time  that  IVe-been  catched  a  barkin' 
up  the  wrong  tree. 

Thar  wer  a  chap  that  I  tried  to  run  a  saw  on 
here  in  Texas,  a  while  ago,  I  won't  forget  in  a 
hurry. 

I  war  a  travellin'  from  the  Brazos  to  the 
Trinity,  and  when  I  got  to  the  Atascasete  crossin', 
I  found  the  San  Jacinto  a  roarin'  and  a  hummin' 
it :  hit  was  a  comin'  it,  "  hark  from  the  tombs." 
Free  soil  movements  was  a  goin'  on,  and  trees  a 
tumblin'  in  all  along  the  banks. 

I  see  thar  wer  no  help  for  it,  so  I  took  my  feet 
outen  the  stirrups,  threw  my  saddle-bags  over  my 
shoulder,  and  in  me  and  the  mar  went. 

We  war  in  a  awful  tight  place  for  a  time,  but 


44:      THE  PEDLER   DISCOURSES   UPON   SMART  MEN. 

we  soon  landed  safe.  I'd  jest  got  my  critter 
tied  out,  and  a  fire  started  to  dry  myself  with — 
for  I  wer  powerful  skeart  about  the  fever — when 
I  see  a  chap  come  a  ridin'  up  the  hill  on  a  smart 
chunk  of  a  poney.  His  little  red  eyes  war  stuck 
in  his  head  like  a  pig's,  his  whiskers  wer  power- 
ful and  no  mistake,  for  ef  thar  hadn't  been  sile 
enough  in  his  fat  chops  to  hev  raised  the  crap, 
thar  wer  a  plenty  outside. 

A  little  red  nose  wer  jest  risin'  outen  the 
whiskers  like  a  bit  of  the  sun  in  a  fog,  or  a  red- 
bird  in  a  huckleberry  patch.  He  war  a  member 
of  the  no- comb  society,  and  belonged  to  the  anti- 
razor  'sociation,  and  ef  he  could  ondly  hev  swum 
the  river  with  his  head  in  the  water,  instead  of 
his  feet  it  would  hev  made  a  most  amazin'  im- 
provement in  his  personal  appearance.  Thar 
war  no  doubt  of  it,  he  war  one  of  'em. 

"  Hoopee  !  stranger" — sings  out  my  beauty — 
"  How  d'ye  ?  Kept  your  fireworks  dry,  eh  ?  How 
in  thunder  did  ye  get  over  ?" 

"Oh!"  says  I,  "mighty  easy.  Ye  see,  stran- 
ger, I'm  powerful  on  a  pirogue  ;  so  I  waited  'till  I 
see  a  big  log  a  driftin'  nigh  the  shore,  when  I  fas- 
ten'd  to  it,  set  my  critter  a  straddle  on  it,  got  into 
the  saddle,  paddled  over  with  the  saddle-bags,  and 
steered  with  the  mare's  tail." 


A  BIG-  DRINK.  45 

*  Ye  didn't,  though,  by  Ned !"  says  he,  "  did 

ye?" 

"Mighty  apt  to"  —  says  I  —  "but  arter  ye've 
sucked  all  that  in,  and  got  yer  breath  agin,  let's 
know  how  you  crossed  ?" 

"  Oh !"  says  he,  (settin7  his  pig's  eyes  on  me,) 
"  I've  been  a  ridin1  all  day  with  a  consarned  ager, 
and  orful  dry,  and  afeard  to  drink  at  the  prairie 
water  holes ;  so  when  I  got  to  the  river  I  jest 
went  in  for  a  big  drink,  swallered  hafe  a  mile  of 
water,  and  came  over  dry  shod." 

"  Stranger,"  says  I,  ye'r  just  one  huckle-berry 
above  my  persimmon ;  'light  and  take  some  c  red- 
eye.' 'I  thought  ye  looked  green,  but  I  wer 
"  barkin'  up  the  wrong  tree." 

But  them  consarned  paddyite  Irishers  is  the 
most  owdacious  critters.  Dog  on  my  cat,  ef  they 
ain't  a  hull  team,  and  a  big  dog  under  the  wag- 
gin,  ef  you'd  only  take  thar  say-soo  for  it ;  but 
when  you  cum  to  bring  ?em  down  to  thar  milk, 
they'll  turn  out  greener  than  Buffalo  Bayou  in 
September,  and  that's  so  powerful  green  that  all 
the  settlers  on  the  banks  skim  off  the  top,  and 
paint  their  cabins  with  it. 

I  war  at  New  Orleens  oncet,  setting  in  my 
marchant's  store,  when  he  called  out  fer  his  man. 

"  Teddy,"  says  he,  "  did  you  ever  tare  lard  V9 


46     THE  PEDLER  DISCOURSES   UPON   SMART  MEN. 

"  Indade  and  I've  done  that  same,  sir,  time  and 
agin,  sir,"  says  Teddy. 

"  Take  your  tools,  then,  and  what  help  you 
need,  down  on  the  Levee,  whar  the  Madison's  dis- 
charging, and  tare  ten  barrels  of  the  lot  marked 
"  M,"  says  the  merchant. 

Off  goes  Teddy,  as  piert  as  kin  be,  and  in  not 
more  nor  half  an  hour  back  he  comes,  and  pokes 
his  head  in  the  countin'  room. 

"Why,  Teddy,"  says  my  friend,  "I  sent  you 
down  to  tare  that  lard  half  an  hour  ago.  What  in 
thunder  sent  you  back  agin  ?" 

"  It's  done,  sir,"  says  Ted,  with  a  knowin* 
wink. 

"  Done  !  Ten  barrels  of  lard  tared  in  half  an 
hour.  What  do  you  mean,  you  scoundrel  ?"  says 
my  friend,  getting  his  back  up. 

"  Indade  and  indade  I  have  sir,"  says  Teddy. 
"  Sure,  and  didn't  I  borry  the  loan  av  Tim  Mul- 
lowny's  axe,  and  be  the  blissed  Vargin !  I've  tore 
'em  all  to  smithareens." 

Perhaps  the  marchant  didn't  pick  up  the  poker, 
and  dash  at  Ted  ;  but  Ted  sorter  smelt  a  bug,  par- 
tickler  when  he  see  the  poker  a  walkin'  his  way. 
So  he  took  the  shute — merchant  followed,  and 
away  they  broke  like  quarter  nags.  Ted  won  the 
race,  but  niver  come  back  to  claim  the  puss. 

When  my  friend  got  back,  and  sot  long  enough 


TALL   SWEARING.  47 

to  get  his  wind,  he  jest  went  in,  and  cussed  the 
Irishers  for  nigh  on  to  half  an  hour.  Geewhili- 
kins !  how  he  did  cuss ;  beat  all  the  tall  swearin' 
I  ever  heerd,  all  to  Gineral  Sam,  and  I  rayther 
reckon  he  kin  beat  the  old  sarpint,  when  he  goes 
at  it  in  good  arnest. 

When  he'd  sorter  pacified  his  feelins,  and  got 
more  docious,  he  turns  round  to  me,  and  says : 

"  What  do  you  suppose  I  discharged  my  last 
porter  fer,  Uncle  Billy  ?" 

"  I'd  be  barkin  on  a  powerful  blind  trail,  ef  I 
should  try  to  tree  that  coon,"  says  I. 

"  Well,"  says  he,  "  a  miller  at  Saint  Louis  sent 
me  down  a  hundred  barrels  of  a  new  brand  of 
flour — bang  up,  too — and  wanted  I  should  try  the 
market  with  it.  When  it  arrived,  the  weather 
was  very  bad,  and  I  got  it  in  the  store,  and  had 
it  hoisted  up  in  the  lofts.  The  next  day  I  called 
Pat. 

"  Where  did  you  put  that  new  brand  of  flour  ?" 
said  I. 

"  Third  flure,  Sir,"  answered  he. 

u  Send  down  fifty  barrels,  have  it  inspected  and 
then  send  it  back  again,"  said  I. 

"  I'll  do  that  same  1"  says  Pat — and  he  did. 

About  four  o'clock,  in  come  he  with  a  lot  of 
dray  receipts. 

"  IVe   got   it  aboord,"  says  he,  "  but  mighty 


4:8      THE   PEDLER   DISCOURSES  UPON   SMART   MEN. 

hard  worruk — they  took  in  the  plank  the  blessid 
minit  the  last  load  was  on ! — she's  off  now — don't 
ye  hear  her  a  puffin'  ?" 

"  Hear  what  a  puffing  ?"  asked  I. 

"  Why,  the  Scott,  to  be  sure — the  flour  came 
by  her,"  he  replied. 

"  Have  you  put  fifty  barrels  of  flour  on  board 
of  a  Saint  Louis  boat,  and  shipped  it  up  the 
river  again,  you  immortal  jackass?"  I  roared 
out. 

"Indade  and  I  have  sir — and  warn't  it  your- 
self that  tould  me  to  send  it  back  again?" 
answered  Pat  as  cool  as  a  cucumber. 

And  so  it  was. 

"Ef,"  concluded  uncle  Billy,  "a  medal  for 
over  smartness  is  ever  struck — I'm  for  givin'  it 
to  the  Irishers." 


CHAPTER  Y. 

SAM   SLICK    HAS    THE    FLOOR — SERVING    OUT    A    LAND- 
LORD— HOW  TO  MAKE  A  RAISE. 

WHETHER  Mr.  Eoberts  intended  to  put  a  period 
to  his  discourse  at  this  particular  moment,  or  not, 
as  an  accurate  historian  I  cannot  say ;  but  cer- 
tainly he  paused ;  and  Bunce,  who  had  evidently 
been  watching  for  an  opportunity,  seized  the 
innings — were  they  rightfully  his  own  or  not. 

Having,  as  usual,  cleared  the  ship  for  action,  he 
commenced. 

"  Now,  Uncle  Billy,  I  kinder  guess  if  you  was 
at  a  meetin7,  and  the  preacher  should  stop  to  take 
a  drink  of  water — I  won't  say  they  put  anything 
stronger  in — or  to  blow  his  nose,  or  to  wipe  his 
eyes,  ef  he's  considable  affected,  and's  a  preachin' 
a  wimmin's  sarmon,  I  cal'late  if  you  could  only 
see  sich  a  chance,  you'd  up  and  give  the  preacher 
and  the  meetiners  ginerally  your  idees  and  views 

on  the  subject. 

4   '  49 


50  SAM  SLICK  HAS  THE  FLOOR. 

You  see  I  only  held  up  a  minnit,  to  git  breath) 
and  in  you  broke,  jest 's  if  I'd  got  through  my 
stage  and  put  up  my  horses,  when  I  'd  only  stop- 
ped 'em  on  the  top  of  a  hill,  to  get  their  wind.  I 
havn't  got  anything  aginst  you,  Uncle  Billy  ;  me 
and  you's  the  best  kind  of  friends,  but  consarn  my 
pickter  if  you  didn't  choke  me  off,  in  a  leetle  the 
slickest  story — a  most  dreadful  funny  circum- 
stance— when  you  shoved  your  oar  in,  then  it's  no 
matter— that's  all." 

Here  the  pedler  evidently  had  the  old  man  at 
disadvantage,  for  the  latter  having  commenced 
operations  upon  an  inch  square  of  cavendish,  was 
so  particularly  occupied  in  reducing  it  to  a  proper 
consistence  for  easy  mastication,  that  speaking 
was  a  provisional  impossibility.  So  he  contented 
himself  with  shaking  his  fist  at  Bunce,  and  sha- 
ping his  mouth  as  near  the  fashion  of  a  grin  as 
its  peculiar  situation  would  authorize  with  safety, 
while  the  rest  of  us  begged  Mr.  Bunce  to  go  on 
with  his  yarn. 

"  Well,  gentlemen,"  continued  he,  "  I  hadn't 
half  got  through  with  my  smart  folks  yet,  when 
Uncle  Billy  jumps  up  with  his  amendment,  when 
I  had  the  floor."  (Another  fist  from  Uncle  Billy.) 
"I  was  jest  agoin'  to  tell  you  one  of  the  cutest 
dodges  that  I  ever  hearn  tell  on — for  it  didn't  hap- 
pen to  me,  but  I  hearn  or  read  on  it  somewhare. 


DONE  AND  DONE.  51 

I  guess  there  ain't  many  of  you  here  that's  trav- 
elled much  in  the  Southern  States,  but  what's  lit 
on  a  poor,  poverty-struck,  ager-shook,  tumble- 
down, head-over-heels,  goin'-to-the  d — 1-starn-f ore- 
most  place  called  Camden,  about  thirty  miles  from 
that  rale  scrumptious,  thrivin'  town,  Columby; 
and  if  any  of  you  ever  had  the  misfortin  to  stop 
at  a  tavern,  thinkin'  to  get  dinner — 'specially  in 
the  old  stagin'  times — or  tried  to  sleep  a  night 
thare,  I  guess  you'll  remember  it. 

There  was  a  stage  full  of  passengers  comin'  this 
way ;  and  some  one  of  'em  said  to  another,  that 
"  they  were  only  five  miles  from  Camden." 

"  Pesky  glad  to  hear  it,"  said  a  Yankee-lookin' 
chap ;  "  pesky  glad  to  hear  it ;  I'm  as  hungry  $s 
a  dog." 

"Sorry  for  you,  then" — says  the  man; — "so 
am  I ;  but  you  won't  get  three  mouthfulls  down, 
afore  up  comes  the  stage.  It's  an  old  trick  at 
the  house." 

"  Trick  or  no  trick,"  says  the  Yankee,  "  I'll  have 
a  hearty  dinner." 

"  If  you  do  you'll  lose  your  seat  in  the  stage," 
answered  the  other. 

"  I'll  bet  you  supper  for  the  hull  six  on  us," 
says  Yankee,  "  that  I  do  get  my  dinner,  and  that 
I  doribt  lose  my  seat." 

"  I'll  take  that  bet,"  says  t'other,  "  and  put  in 


52  SAM  SLICK  HAS  T^E  FLOOR. 

wine  and  cigars  too ;  for  we'll  be  at  Columby  to 
supper,  and  they  live  there." 

When  they  got  to  Camden,  the  dinner  wasn't 
ready,  and  when  it  was,  a  man  stood  at  the  room 
door,  and  taxed  'em  four  bits  apiece  when  they 
went  in;  but  they  didn't  get  four  bits  apiece 
down  their  throats  afore  in  comes  the  tavern- 
keeper,  and  tells  'em  the  stage  is  ready,  mail 
behind  time,  and  the  driver  wouldn't  wait  a  minit 
for  his  grandmother ;  and  sure  enough,  up  druv 
the  stage  right  aginst  the  window,  and  the  driver 
begun  blowin'  his  horn  a  plaguy  sight  harder  'n 
Joshua  blew  his  afore  Jericho. 

Away  went  the  travellers,  tight  as  they  could 
lick  it,  at  least  all  of  'em  but  the  Yankee ;  and 
there  he  sot,  peggin'  away  for  dear  life,  and  ma- 
kin'  the  vittles  walk  down  his  throat  most  amazin' 
fast. 

"You'll  lose  your  seat,  sir,"  said  the  tavern- 
keeper. 

"  Don't  keer  a  darn"  said  the  Yankee,  "  I  guess 
I  wont  my  dinner" 

So  he  sot  to  work  agin,  and  began  on  a  turkey 
that  no  one  had  time  to  touch,  but  he  got  four 
bits  worth  out  of  it  afore  you  could  say  Jack 
Kobinson. 

"  And  now  mister,"  says  he,  "  I  guess  Til  take 
a  bowl  of  bread  and  milk  to  top  off  with." 


A  BAD  SELL.  53 

The  man  went  out  of  the  room,  and  presently 
come  back  and  sot  the  bowl  of  milk  down  afore 
his  customer. 

"  Well,  mister,"  says  the  Yankee,  "I  guess  I'll 
take  a  spoon  to  eat  this  ere  truck  with ;  can't  eat 
bread  and  milk  with  my  fingers.'7 

"  Spoon,  sir !"  says  the  man — his  eyes  sticken 
out  of  his  head.  "  Spoon,  sir  !  There  was  a  dozen 
of  'em  on  the  table ;  rale  silver,  too." 

"  "Well,  s'posin'  there  was,"  replied  the  Yankee, 
"  You  don't  s'pose  them  chaps  was  agoin7  to  pay 
fifty  cents  ahead,  and  carry  nothin'  away  to  show 
for  it,  do  ye  ?" 

"  Thunder  and  lightning  !"  roared  out  the  man. 
"  If  I  don't  bring  the  whole  bilin'  of  'em  to  justice 
there's  no  snakes  in  Virginny." 

Half  an  hour  after,  up  come  the  same  stage, 
rattlety-bang,  and  in  jumped  the  Yankee  among 
the  passengers. 

"  Hold  on !  hold  on !  stranger,"  sung  out  the 
tavern-keeper — comin7  up  to  the  stage  with  the 
sheriff',  and  a  hull  crowd ;  some  to  help  take  the 
robbers,  and  some  to  see  the  fun.  "  Hold  on.  Now 
jest  pint  out  the  chaps  that  took  them  spoons, 
will  ye?" 

"  Well,  mister,7'  drawled  out  the  Yankee,  "  I 
guess  if  you'll  only  look  in  your  coffee-pot,  I  caP- 
late  you'll  find  your  spoons.  Good  bye,  mister ; 


54  SAM  SLICK  HAS  THE  FLOOR. 

got  my  fifty  cents  wuth  that  time.  Don't  be 
tellin'  this  story  to  the  next  stage-full." 

Away  druv  the  stage ;  the  driver  cussin',  the 
passengers  roarin'  with  laughter,  the  crowd  a 
yellin',  and  the  tavern-keeper  jest  jumpin'  right 
up  and  down,  as  mad's  a  hornet. 

"  Well,"  contiued  Bunce,  as  soon  as  our  laugh- 
ter had  subsided,  "  that  was  pretty  considerable 
cute,  a  most  a  powerful  smart  rise,  I  guess ;  but 
I'll  tell  you  about  a  man  who  was  so  monstrous 
smart  that  they  do  say  he  never  missed  fire,  ner 
had  the  wind  took  out  of  his  sails  in  his  life.  I 
guess  you've  all  on  ye  hearn  tell  of  old  Wade 
Hampton,  his  crowds  of  niggers,  hundreds  of  race- 
horses, and  hull  counties  of  land.  Well,  he  made 
every  dollar  of  it ;  wasn't  worth  a  Bungtown  cop- 
per when  he  set  up  for  himself,  and  most  all  his 
work  was  head-work ;  didn't  dirty  his  hands  much 
I  cal'late.  When  he  was  a  growin'  up,  he  saw  the 
chance  there  was  a  goin'  to  be  in  wild  land,  and 
'stead  of  makin'  a  lawyer  of  himself,  and  larnin' 
to  set  folks  by  the  ears,  or  studyin'  docterin',  and 
how  to  trot  his  saddle-bags  through  thar  bodies ; 
or  gettin'  made  a  preacher  of,  to  cobble  up  their 
souls,  practisin'  on  soft-sawder  and  human  natur, 
as  Cousin  Sam  tells  on — eatin'  fried  chickens,  and 
finally  marryin'  some  rich  man's  darter,  and  set- 
tlin'  down  to  roost — instead  of  any  of  these,  he 


A  SURVEY  AND  A  HALF.  55 

larnt  surveying  and  I  guess  he  must  have  took  a 
few  lessons  of  "  seven-up"  as  he  went  along,  for 
there  never  was  a  black-leg  on  the  Mississippi  that 
could  hold  a  candle  to  him,  nor  a  faro-bank  to 
Orleens  that  made  the  first  dollar  out  of  him. 

Well,  he  larnt  survey  in'  and  by  the  day  his 
time  was  out,  and  he  was  his  own  man,  his  sharp 
ways  has  caught  the  eyes  of  more  than  one,  who 
wanted  jest  such  tools  to  work  with.  One  day  a 
man  called  on  him  ;  he  and  others  with  him  owned 
a  most  am azin'  sight  of  wild  land — all  pine  bar- 
ren, not  worth  a  bad  fourpence  the  hull  on't ;  but 
he  wanted  Hampton  to  survey  it,  and  to  survey  it 
so  'twould  sell.  He  took  the  hint,  for  he'd  been 
promised  the  biggest  kind  of  wages  if  he  did  his 
work  up  right.  Well,  he  surveyed  the  hull  on't, 
cut  it  into  all  sorts  of  curus  shapes,  and  made  lots 
of  all  sizes,  but  always  managed  to  corner  on  a 
white-oak,  or  else  a  hickory  or  wild  peach — and 
never  said  pine  once  in  his  field  notes. 

The  owners  put  their  lands  in  the  market  for 
sale,  and  got  rid  of  'em  pretty  quick,  and  the  sur- 
veyor got  a  check  for  five  thousand,  with  the  ad- 
vice and  condition  that  he  should  cut  stick  directly, 
as  it  mightn't  have  been  good  for  his  constitution 
to  have  stayed  in  that  climit  arter  the  purchasers 
found  out  what  kind  of  surveys  he'd  been  a  ma- 
kin'.  So  Wade  come  south,  and  from  that  minit 


56  SAM  SLICK  fiAS  THE  FLOOR. 

never  made  a  miss  lick;  the  chips  was  sure  to 
come  when  Tie  put  his  axe  in. 

Once  he'd  been  to  the  Augusty  races ;  took  his 
horses  clear  on  there  with  him,  and  made  a  most 
astonishin'  heap  of  money ;  well,  when  he  got  to 
Montgomery,  on  the  way  home,  the  gamblers 
there  thought  he'd  got  more'n  his  share,  and  so 
picked  out  three  of  their  top  sawyers,  that  Wade 
didn't  know,  clubbed  together,  and  made  up  a 
puss  of  ten  thousand  dollars,  for  'em  to  go  down 
the  river  with  him,  and  get  a  game. 

Well,  they  got  a  game,  and  a  pretty  game  it 
was,  too.  I  guess  maybe  some  of  you've  hearn 
of  it — they  call  it  poker — and  they  played  it,  all 
three  goin'  agin  him  onderhanded ;  but  old  Wade 
had  the  rocks,  and  old  Wade  had  the  pluck  to 
back  'em  up  with  ;  and  when  the  four  gentlemen 
got  to  Mobile  there  wasn't  but  one  of  'em  had  a 
dollar  in  his  pocket,  and  that  was  Grinral  Hampton. 

When  they  parted,  says  he,  "  gentlemm,  here's 
a  small  roll  of  bills  to  pay  your  passage  up 
and  give  you  a  stake  ;  and  when  you  kin  raise  a 
puss  that's  an  object,  don't  be  modest,  but  let  me 
know,  and  I'll  give  you  a  chance  as  long  as  your 
rocks  hold  out ;  and  if  any  of  your  friends  here'd 
like  to  try,  I'm  goin'  over  the  lake  to-night,  and 
am  perfectly  open  for  a  game." 

But  the  gentlemen  had  got  quite  enough,  and 


GOING  IT  BLIND.  57 

went  off  home,  cussin'  their  luck,  but  swearin' 
that  old  Wade  was  a  trump  after  all. 

The  greatest  rise  I  ever  heard  of  the  old  Gin- 
ral's,  was  among  them  faro  banks  to  Orleens. 
Afore  the  lawr  took  hold  of  'em  they  played  for 
any  amount,  and  were  owned  by  the  richest  folks 
in  town.  The  Ginral  went  in  one  night  with  a 
shot-pouch  full  of  money  in  his  hand,  and  turns  to 
the  dealer. 

"  Kin  I  bet  this  jest  so  ?"  says  he — "  too  much 
trouble  to  count,  and  I  ain't  got  time  for  only 
one  lick." 

"  Certinly,  Ginral,  certainly.  Anything  you 
please." 

Down  went  the  shot-pouch  in  the  pot,  and  the 
next  turn,  up  come  a  Jack,  and  the  old  man  won. 

"  How  much,  Ginral  ?"  says  the  dealer.  "  Pour 
it  out,  and  let's  count  it." 

Hampton  takes  the  pouch  by  the  bottom,  and 
out  comes  a  pile  of  dollars — and  that  wasn't  all — 
there  was  a  small  roll  of  the  biggest  kind  of  bank- 
bills  come  out  too. 

"  How  much  ?"  says  the  dealer  to  one  of  his 
folks,  who  was  a  countin'  the  pile. 

"  Hundred  and  fifty  Mexicans,  three  thousand 
in  bills,"  says  he. 

The  dealer  looked  over,  never  said  a  word,  but 
he  gin  a  kind  of  look  out  of  the  corner  of  his  eye, 


58  SAM  SLICK  HAS  THE  FLOOR. 

as  much  as  to  say,  "  I  smell  suthin',  but  I  can't 
tell  what." 

These  bills  now  was  fasten'd  to  the  bag  by  a 
pin,  and  when  the  Ginral  shuk  out  the  Mexicans, 
he  pulled  out  the  pin,  and  down  they  all  come  in 
a  heap.  If  he'd  have  lost,  I  kinder  guess  the  dol- 
lars would  have  come  out  alone,  and  not  in  quite 
so  good  company. 

Now,  I  don't  know  as  I  ever  met  with,  or  knew 
of  any  one  as  smart  all  over,  as  the  old  Ginral ; 
but  there's  a  man  in  Texas — and  I  guess  he's 
mighty  nigh  top  of  the  heap,  as  far  as  property 
goes — that  would  have  made  a  mate  for  him,  if 
he'd  had  any  edication  to  have  started  on  ;  but  he 
hadn't.  Never  went  anywhere,  nor  larn't  any- 
thing but  horse  and  cow,  and  if  he  don't  know 
them  it's  a  pity.  I  wish  I  may  be  biled  for  a 
doughnut  if  they  don't  say  he  salts  away  his  do! 
lars  in  barrels,  and  plants  'em  in  the  ground. 
Guess  I  could  larn  him  how  to  make  'em  sprout 
and  bear  a  crop  without  that — couldn't  you  Uncle 
Billy?" 

"Well,  but  Mr.  Bunce,"  I  inquired,  "if  he 
buries  his  money  in  the  ground,  how  do  you 
know  so  much  about  the  extent  of  his  wealth?7' 

"  I  guess  there's  enough  left  outside  to  show. 
Why  I  cal'late  he's  more  stock  than  any  five  men 
in  the  'varsal  world  ;  a  heap  more  than  Job  ever 


STICK  TO  TOUR  OWN  TOBACCO.  59 

had  ;  though  I  guess  he  couldn't  shine  when  you 
come  to  count  up  the  camels.  Now  that's  jest  as 
certin  as  preaching  ain't  it  Uncle  Billy  ?" 

"  Shure  as  shootm',"  answered  Roberts. 

"Come,  Uncle  Billy,"  said  Bunce,  producing 
his  piece  of  cavendish,  "  IVe  got  suthin'  here 
bang  up,  A  number  one,  first  best,  I  tell  ye. 
Don't  be  so  darned  sot  up  about  your  tobacco ; 
try  mine,  and  pass  it  round." 

"  No,  sonny,"  answered  Roberts.  "  Mighty  apt 
to  be  good  ef  you  say  so ;  but  I'm  fer  allers  fol- 
lerin'  the  same  trail.  Mine's  good  enough  for 
rne ;  and  besides  I've  got  a  sorter  notion  that  it's 
allers  best  for  every  man  to  chaw  his  own  toback- 
Icer"  And  taking  this  for  a  text,  Uncle  Billy 
commenced  his  discourse. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

UNCLE  BILLY'S  DISCOURSE — EVERY  MAN  CHEW  HIS 
OWN  TOBACCO. 

"  EVRY  man  chaw  Ms  own  tobackker"  said 
Uncle  Billy,  removing  something  less  than  a 
quarter  of  a  pound  of  the  masticated  article  from 
his  mouth.  "  Every  man  chaw  his  own  toback- 
ker ;  that' s  my  sentiments ;  and  it  ain't  bad  ad- 
vice, ef  Uncle  Billy  does  give  it. 

I  larmV  suthin'  oncet,  from  a  new  settler,  who 
located  hisself  down  in  our  Neck-of-the-Woods. 
He  war  one  of  your  countrymen  "  Nutmegs,1'  but 
that  didn't  make  the  lesson  ary  bit  the  worse. 

T'want  nuthin'  new,  prehaps ;  mout  be  you've 
got  wind  of  it  afore ;  but  it  jest  fixed  my  frizen 
perzackly. 

I'd  asked  him  a  question  about  suthin'  that  con- 
sarned  him,  but  didn't  consarn  me  by  a  long  shot, 
and  the  answer  I  got,  I  ain't  forgot  yet. 

Ses  he,  "I  knowed  a  man  oncet  in  Bostin,  that 

made  a  fortin  by  mindin  his  own  bisniss ;  and 
60 


UNCLE  BILLY  SEEKS  INFORMATION.  61 

thar  used  to  be  another  thar  too,  IVe  hearn  my 
father  tell  on,  that  made  considible  propety  by 
lettin'  other  folks's  alone." 

I  war  up  to  Milledgville  oncet — up  in  Georgy 
State — and  I  war  expectin'  some  plunder  in  the 
waggons  from  Augusty ;  and  so  you  see  I  went 
into  a  grocery  to  wood  up  and  find  out  when  my 
traps  mout  be  looked  for. 

"Well,  thar  I  see  a  chap  a  makin7  hisself  mighty 
free,  a  setten  on  the  counter,  a  smokin'  a  s0-gar, 
and  a  kicken  with  his  heels ;  and  so  I  jest  up  and 
asked  him, 

"  Stranger,"  says  I,  "  kin  ye  tell  me  when  them 
allfired  Augusty  waggons  '11  fetch  up  here  ?" 

He  took  his  seg&r  outen  his  mouth,  squirted  a 
raft  of  ambeer  atwixt  his  teeth,  and  then  says  he — 

"  Stranger,  them  waggons  '11  be  here  to-mor- 
row, sure  as  shootin'.  What  mout  your  name 
be?" 

"  It  mout  be  Smith,"  says  I,  "  but  it  ain't  by  a 
big  heap  ;  it's  Roberts  —  Billy  Roberts — Uncle 
Billy  Roberts,  the  neighbors  call  me." 

"  Well,  Uncle  Billy,"  says  he,  "  let's  licker ;" 
and  we  did,  and  arter  we'd  swaller'd  and  choaked 
off,  says  I,  "  stranger,  IVe  allers  hearn  tell  down 
in  our  neck-of-the-woods,  that  the  Yankees  war 
the  jofiredest  fellers  agoin'  for  whittlin'  and  axin' 


62  UNCLE  BILLY'S  DISCOURSE. 

questions,  but  I  rayther  reckon  that  the  folks  in 
the  Georgy  settlements  is  some  too." 

"  Some  ?"  says  he.  "  Some !  I  reckon  they  ar. 
This  ere  grocery  's  my  propety,  and  all  the  dry- 
goods  in  it ;  and  my  customers  cuts  up  allers  four 
set  of  cheers  in  a/year,  and  one  counter,  that's  thar 
allowance,  and  ef  that  ain't  exercise  enough,  and 
they  does  more  damage,  why  they  club  together 
and  pay  for  it.  Yankees  indeed  !  Yankees  ain't 
no  whar." 

Now,  thar  war  Sime  Jorrocks3  that  kep  store 
and  grocery  down  to  Selma.  He  war  one  of  your 
helpin'  chaps,  allers  a  doin'  suthin  for  other  peo- 
ple and  a  lettin'  his  shop  keep  itself;  which — > 
seein's  the  biggest  eend  of  his  drygoods  war  red- 
eye and  old  peach,  didn't  more  nor  half  pay.  The 
climit  war  too  favorable  for  vaporation. 

T'wantlong  afore  he  got  a  shirtin'  out,  though, 
and  larnt  suthin  about  "  chawin  his  own  taback- 
ker." 

Mobile  wasn't  big  enough  for  him  to  buy  lick- 
ers  in  long,  and  so  he  must  take  the  shute  for 
Orleens,  just  to  see  what  the  settlers  war  a  doin' 
thar,  and  to  lay  in  a  raft  of  drinkables. 

A  night  or  so  arter  he  arriv,  he  war  a  standin* 
in  the  door  of  his  boardin'  house  in  Canal-street, 
when  a  chap  come  a  tarin'  outen  the  next  house 
with  his  arms  full  of  plunder,  and  a  hull  pack  of 


D — L  TAKE  THE  HINDERMOST.  63 

women  barkin'  right  sharp  on  his  trail,  and  a 
hoopin'  and  yellin'  "  stop  thief !  knock  him 
over !" 

"Hurray  !"  says  Sime,  "  here's  the  child  wat's 
arter  you  with  a  sharp  stick.  Here's  the  quarter 
horse  direck  from  Selma  'ginst  the  Orleens  poney. 
Hurray  ?  Hoopee ! — yi-i-i-i-i-p" — a  givin'  the  rale 
Ingin  whoop. 

Away  went  the  thief,  and  away  went  Sime ; 
and  I  tell  ye,  for  a  while  it  was  nip  and  tuck — 
titus  and  pop-corn — you'd  best  believe  it ;  but  the 
grand  villain,  a  findin  that  Siine  war  givin  him 
fits,  just  drapped  the  plunder,  and  Sime  picked  hit 
up  and  the  thief  too. 

Jist  then,  up  come  the  crowd ;  Sime  and  the 
thief  war  fastened  on  to  one  another;  and  the 
thief — he  war  some  punkins  that  feller — hollerd 
out  that  Sime  were  the  villain,  and  thar  he  war, 
the  plunder  a  hangin5  right  onter  his  arm  ;  so  the 
crowd  marched  him  off  to  the  calaboose,  and  he 
didn't  get  shut  of  it  tell  next  day. 

He  larnt  that  time  to  let  the  John  Darmes  hunt 
thar  own  varmint. 

Thar's  old  Bully  Wright,  that  uster  run  the 
"  Galveston" — he's  one  on  'em — ef  he  didn't  make 
the  passengers  on  his  flat  chaw  thar  own  toback- 
ker,  hit 's  no  matter ;  though  he  and  I  allers 


64:  UNCLE  BILLY'S  DISCOURSE. 

hitched  our  critters  together  mighty  fine,  and  the 
old  coon  never  cuts  any  of  his  rustics  about  me. 

Oncet,  when  I  war  a  crossin  the  Gulf  with  him, 
I  see  suthin'  he  war  a  thinkin'  on,  had  come 
across  him  mighty  quare ;  and  so  says  I,  "  old 
man,  what  trail 's  that  ye  're  a  barkin'  on  all  alone 
to  yourself?" 

"  Why,  Uncle  Billy T"  says  he,  "  suthin  sot  me 
to  thinkin'  of  a  chap  I  carried  over  to  Orleens 
l&yb  year,  that  come  up  with  me  a  few — I  tell 
you." 

Says  I,  "  old  man,  if  any  man  iver  got  the  lead 
of  you,  I  'm  powerful  curus  to  hear  all  about  it." 

"  Well,"  says  Cap.,  "  ye  see  this  chap  come  on 
at  Galveston,  and  he  wer  a  pokin'  all  over  the 
boat,  axin'  questions.  I  let  him  run  for  a  while, 
and  war  mighty  perlite  tell  we  got  shut  of  the 
harbor,  and  then,  thinks  I,  "old  hoss  look  out 
how  you  come  a  yippen  round  this  child." 

That  night  it  come  on  to  blow  like  blazes,  and 
I  war  a  standin'  at  the  pilot-house,  and  the  water 
every  minit  or  so  a  breakin'  over  the  harricane 
deck,  when  all  to  oncet  the  storm-staysel  broke 
loose,  and  afore  I  had  time  to  sing  out,  I  heerd  my . 
friend  a  hollerin' — 

"  Hallo,  thar,  captain,  don't  ye  see  that  ar  sail 
a  goin'  to  thunder  ?" 


BULLY  WRIGHT  DONE  BROWN.  65 

Ef\  warn't  mad.  "Mister,"  says  I,  "are  ye 
the  captin  ?" 

"  No  sir,"  says  he. 

'  AT  ye  the  mate  ?" 

"  No  sir." 

"  Then  what  under  the  heavens  are  ye  ?" 

"  Me  ?  why  I'm  a  passenger,"  says  he. 

"  Then,"  says  I,  "  do  ye  see  that  cabin  ?" 

"  I  do,"  says  he. 

"  Well,  now,"  says  I,  "  ef  you  only  dar  to  put 
yer  ugly  consated  mug  outside  of  it  agin,  afore 
we  get  to  Orleens,  I'll  clap  ye  in  the  hold,  by 
Ned  !  and  ye  may  swar  to  it." 

Off  he  went,  to  be  shure,  and  I  never  sot  eyes 
on  him  agin  tell  we  war  a  roundin'  the  Balize, 
and  goin'  in  beautiful ;  and  I  walked  into  the 
cabin,  feelin'  mighty  piert.  Thar  stood  my 
friend.  Now,  thinks  I,  old  feller,  I'll  make  it  up 
with  ye,  afore  we  get  ashore.  So  I  walked  up  to 
him,  and  says  I — 

"  Fine  mornin'  sir." 

" Yes  sir"  says  he,  " fine  mornin',  very  fine 
morninV 

"  Getting  along  as  fine  as  silk,  sir." 

"  Well,  we  ar." 

"•Had  a  pleasant  trip,  sir,  all  things  consid- 
ered." 

"  Well,  we  had,  but  I  sorter  disremember  seein7 
5 


66  TOCLE  BILLY'S  DISCOURSE. 

you  in  the  cabin  afore.  What's  the  number  of 
your  state-room  ?" 

"  Oh !  I  havn't  any  state-room,  leastways,  not 
here,  sir." 

"  Ain't  ye  a  cabin  passenger  ?" 

"  Oh  no,  sir." 

"  Are  ye  a  steerage  passenger?" 

"  No  sir." 

•c  Then  what  in  thunder  are  ye  ?" 

"  Why  don't  you  know,  sir?  I'm  captin  of  this 
ship.'7 

"  Then  Mister  '  Captin-of-this-ship,'  this  is  the 
cabin  ;  and  ye  don't  clar  out  of  it,  and  go  forard, 
and  tend  to  your  bisniss,  by  the  piper !  I'll  hev  ye 
tarred  and  feathered  when  we  get  to  Orleens,  and 
you  can  swar  to  that" 

"I  tell  ye,  Uncle  Billy,  I  walked  off;  and  I 
niver  see  that  chap  sence  but  what  I  give  him  an 
invite  to  fire  up. 

Now,  when  the  old  coon  told  me  that  story,  he 
war  in  a  mighty  good  humor — suthin'  more  nor 
common.  It  didn't  last  long.  We  war  jest  out- 
side of  Galveston,  the  water  as  smooth  as  a  pera- 
ra,  and  we  war  a  humpin1  it  like  a  quarter  hoss. 
Afore  night  a  norther  ris  up,  and  the  way  it  riled 
the  water  and  banged  us  about  war  a  caution  to 
shore-goin'  people. 

I  war  a  walkin'  the  hurricane  deck,  arter  sup- 


JOLLY  COMPANIONS,  VERY.  67 

per,  when  up  comes  the  old  man,  and  I  see  the  fat 
war  in  the  fire  some  how ;  so  I  jest  shet  pan ;  for 
I'd  no  idee  of  tappin'  his  ill-humor,  and  a  having 
it  bust  out  all  over  me.  I  walked  up  and  down 
the  deck  on  one  side,  and  he  on  t'other,  with  the 
water  breakin7  over  the  wheel-house  iv'ry  now 
and  agin ;  and  I  expected  iv'ry  minit  the  old  var- 
mint would  be  givin  me  a  free  pass  to  the  cabin, 
and  an  mvite  to  make  myself  at  home  thar  for 
the  rest  of  the  trip. 

At  last  he  crossed  over,  and  walked  alongside 
of  me  up  and  down,  quite  docius,  but  I  could  hear 
him  a  grumblin  away  to  hisself.  Finally,  says 
he,  "Uncle  Billy,  I'm  powerful  mad;  made  a 
dern  fool  of  myself,  and  rayther  reckon  we're 
mighty  apt  to  get  into  a  owdacious  bad  scrape. 

"  Don't  believe  it,"  says  I.  "  Til  go  it  blind  on 
your  luck  captin ;  bet  my  hull  pile  on  it,  every 
bit  as  sure  as  four  aces." 

"  Look  here  old  man,"  says  he  "  the  dern  no 
'count,  ornary  pups  hev  disremembered  to  coal 
at  Galveston,  and  we  didn't  take  in  more  at  Bra- 
sos  than  war  safe  to  carry  us  thar.  Ef  the  Gulf 
war  smooth,  and  no  wind,  prehaps  I  might  make 
the  Balize,  but  this  consarned  norther  ?11  give  us 
fits.  I  jest  found  it  out,  and  all  hands  is  a  sweepin* 
up  the  hold  and  cuttin'  up  every  bit  of  wood  and 
timber  aboard.  Thar's  but  one  way;  we  must 


68  UNCLE  BILLY'S  DISCOURSE. 

crack  on  tell  we  make  Ship  Island  Shoals,  and 
thar  we  must  lay  to,  tell  the  norther  breaks.  I 
tell  you  this,  Uncle  Billy,  but  mind,  shut  pan 
about  it  below ;  I  don't  want  a  pack  of  fools 
barkin'  round  me." 

Well,  some  time  afore  mornin'  the  old  pirogue 
war  anchored  sure  enough.  The  lower  cabin 
passengers  war  mostly  asleep,  and  didn't  get 
wind  of  it ;  but  the  upper  saloon  had  a  lot  of  Jews 
and  sich  chaps,  from  Houston  and  Galveston ; 
only  old  Gunnel  Fontleroy  camped  down  thar. 

Now  the  boat  hadn't  been  anchored, five  minits 
afore  thar  war_#  mighty  fus  ris  up.  They  war  up 
and  a  stirrin  I  tell  you ;  they  called  a  meetin',  and 
they  made  chairmin  and  secketaries,  and  passed 
resolutions,  and  made  pretickelar  Judies  of  they- 
selves  ginerally.  The  hull  thing  come  to  this, 
when  it  war  ciphered  up,  and  the  answer  sot 
down.  Two  weeks  afore  the  old  '  New  York'  got 
cotched  by  a  norther,  come  to  anchor  in  the  same 
place,  suthin  went  wrong,  and  the  next  day  down 
she  went,  drownin  a  raft  of  men ;  and  so  our 
meetiners  wanted  to  know  how  the  captin  dard 
to  foller  in  the  samje  track. 

Well,  the  resolutions  war  made,  and  carried, 
and  signed  ;  but  no  man  could  be  scared  up  to 
hand  'em  to  'the  captin.  Some  of  'em  knew  him, 
and  the  rest  of  the  drove  had  hearn  tell  of  his 


AN  AMIABLE  INDIVIDUAL.  69 

ways.  At  last  some  smart  chap  thought  of  the 
Gunnel,  and  so  a  committee  war  'pinted  to  wake 
him  up. 

Old  Fontleroy  war  on  his  way  home  from  San 
Antone,  whar  he'd  ben  sorter  dry-nursin'  Uncle 
Sam's  green  troops.  He  war  naterally,  good- 
humored  as  a  she  bar  when  her  cubs  is  meddled 
with;  but,  bein'  sent  out  among  the  fleas  and 
Mexicans,  and  gettin'  the  ager  so  powerful  that  it 
fairly  shuk  him  outen  the  country  at  last,  had 
improved  the  nateral  beauties  of  his  disposition 
powerfully. 

The  committee  havin'  tried  speakin5  without 
wakenin  him,  one  on  'em  jeest  shuk  him  a  mite, 
and  up  he  jumped,  and  with  a  shootinf  iron  in  his 
hand,  and  looked  round  the  crowd  to  "see  which 
one  he'd  best  drap  first.  The  committee  resigned 
in  a  hurry,  and  mixed  4heyselves  up  with  their 
feller  citizens  in  less  than  no  time,  thinkin'  they'd 
woke  up  a  uglier  customer  than  old  "Wright 
hisself. 

At  last  old  Fontleroy  thundered  out — 

"  Gentlemen,  what's  wrong,  and  why  am  I  dis- 
turbed in  this  manner  ?" 

"We've  been  havin'  a  meeting  and  a  passin1 
resolutions,  and  hev  'pinted  you  a  committee  to 
present  'em  to  Captin  Wright,  ef  you  please  sir," 
said  one  of  the  crowd. 


70  UNCLE  BILLY'S  DISCOUKSE. 

"  Meetin'  !  Resolutions  !  Captain  Wright ! 
Whar's  your  resolutions?"  roared  out  old  Fon- 
tleroy. 

Well,  he  took  'em  quite  docious,  read  'em  over 
slow  and  keerful,  and  then  straitened  hisself  up, 
as  if  he  war  a  goin'  to  make  a  speech. 

"Gentlemen/"  says  he,  "you  may  all  go  to 
h — •.  You'r  a  pack  of  d —  fools.  Old  Wright's 
got  more  sense  in  his  little  finger  than  thar  is  in 
all  your  no  'count  bodies ;  and  ef  any  of  ye  dors 
to  wake  me  agin,  I'll  drill  a  hole  through  him 
afore  he  kin  say  Jack  Robinson !  Good  night." 

Next  mornin'  the  Gunnel  told  Wright  all  about 
it,  but  the  old  man  didn't  let  on.  We  lay  at  an- 
chor tell  the  norther  had  blowed  itself  out ;  then 
got  under  way,  and  worked  along  slow,  with  a 
smart  chaince  of  sail  and  a  mighty  small  one  of 
steam. 

Three  days  arter,  just  about  daybreak  of  a  fine 
mornin',  the  Balize  light-house  war  in  sight,  nigh 
onto  eight  miles  off,  when  one  of  the  resolution 
fellers  come  out  on  the  harricane  deck,  whar  me 
and  the  captin  war  a  standin',  and  says  he — 

"  Fine  mornin'  sir.  Glad  to  see  we're  off  the 
Mississippi.  Be  inside  in  half  an  hour  I  reckon." 

"  Hope  you  won't  be  disappointed,  sir,"  an- 
swered old  Wright ;  "  but  as  you'r  here,  ef  you'll 


BREAKERS  AHEAD.  71 

keep  it  a  secret  from  all  on  board,  'ceptin'  your 
pretikeler  friends,  I'll  tell  ye  suthin." 

"  I  will  sir,  'pon  my  honor." 

"  Well,  then,  I  never  was  in  such  danger  all 
my  sea-goin',  as  I  am  now.  The  last  stick  of 
wood  7s  in  the  furnace  ;  steam  just  gin  out;  water 
and  pervisions  all  gone  ;  and  ef  the  stream  catches 
us  with  no  more  wind  than  there  is  now,  it'll 
carry  us  out  into  the  Gulf,  or  heave  us  up  on 
some  of  the  breakers  about  here.  Ef  we  don't  get 
a  change  of  wind  in  ten  minits,  I'm  goin'  to  take 
to  the  boats  ;  and  now  I  warn  ye,  not  to  tell  more 
nor  five  er  six,  for  the  boats  won't  take  more  'n 
that." 

Ef  ye  ever  see  a  chap  turn  blue  around  the 
gills,  that  saloon-chap  did  for  sartin.  In  five 
minits  he  and  his  cronies  war  onter  the  harricane 
deck,  with  life  preservers  around  them;  and  there 
they  stood  tell  we  rounded  the  Balize;  for  Wright 
told  'em  ef  they  dared  to  speak  to  him,  er  alarm 
any  one  else,  he'd  clap  'em  all  in  the  hold. 

By  the  time  we'd  rounded  the  Pint,  and  tied  up 
to  the  first  wood-yard,  our  customers  begin  to 
smell  a  bug,  and  sneaked  quietly  off.  But  they'd 
lamed  a  lesson  about  lettin'  oilier  folks  chaw  thar 
own  tobakker,  that  will  last,  I  reckon.'' 


CHAPTER  VII. 

THE  JUDGE'S  STORY. — THE  WRONG  BOTTLE — A  LEGEND 
OF  LITTLE  CREEK. 

"  I  SUPPOSE,  Mr.  Eoberts,"  said  Judge  Ricord, 
"  that  you  only  lay  that  down  as  a  general  princi- 
ple, and  would  scarcely  refuse  a  chew  from  a 
stranger,  if  you  needed  one.  I  know  you  would 
pull  out  your  own  tobacco-pouch  for  friend  or 
stranger  with  as  much  pleasure  as  for  yourself. 
Judging  from  these  premises,  I  presume  that  you 
refused  our  friend  Slick's  tobacco  for  no  other 
purpose  than  to  make  a  text,  with  which  both  to 
point  a  moral  and  adorn  a  series  of  tales,  for  which, 
by  the  way,  we  are  much  obliged  to  you." 

"  Novr  see  heah,  Judge,"  replied  Uncle  Billy, 
"  ye're  allers  judging  and  I  shouldn't  wonder  if 
you  presumed  a  smart  chaince  too — that's  your 
business.  I  wear  plain  home-made,  cut  to  keep 
my  legs  warm  ;  and,  when  I'm  on  the  plantation, 

a  huntin'  shirt ;  but  ve  never  catch  me  adornin' 

72 


FEED  KEISLER.  73 

my  tale,  as  ye  call  it ;  when  I  do,  and  git  on  one 
of  them  dern  fool,  no  'count,  sharp  pinted,  split 
up  behind  things,  that  you've  got  on  yer  back, 
ye  may  jest  advertise  that  yer  uncle's  done  sold 
his  senses  out,  and  that  thar's  a  head  to  be  let 
cheap. 

"  Pshaw,  Uncle  Billy,"  replied  the  Judge, 
"  you're  a  mighty  hard  nut  to  crack  a  joke  on.  I 
wanted  to  give  another  illustration  of  the  gene- 
ral principle  that  you  have  laid  down,  only  it 
would  be  a  little  more  apposite  perhaps,  to  alter 
it  to  "  let  every  man  drink  from  his  own  bottle." 

"  Uncle  Billy  seconds  the  'mendment,"  inter- 
rupted that  person. 

*•  Most  of  you,  I  believe,"  continued  the  Judge, 
"  know  Fred  Kreisler.  Years  since,  when  he 
came  here  from  the  army,  he  was  poorer  than  any 
church  mouse,  and  did  not  seem  to  have  the  least 
idea  of  taking  care  of  himself.  It  was  quite  evi- 
dent that  he  had  been  brought  up  as  a  gentleman, 
and  had  received  the  education  of  one.  So  a  few 
of  us  took  him  in  hand,  and  found  him  employ- 
ment in  the  County  Clerk's  office,  and  sometimes 
the  District  Clerk's.  Fred  was  honest  as  the  day, 
and  as  generous  as  the  sun ;  could  be  trusted  with 
anything  in  the  world  except  a  bottle  of  whiskey; 
but  that  was  his  stumbling-block.  In  fact,  he 
lived  altogether  too  near  the  grocery,  and  was, 


74:  THE  WRONG  BOTTLE. 

according  to  all  appearance,  going  to  the  deuce 
stern  foremost. 

In  the  very  nick  of  time,  an  old  Dutchman  who 
lived  on  the  little  prairie,  about  four  miles  from 
town,  took  it  into  his  head  to  die,  and  left  a  young 
wife  with  quite  a  respectable  property,  but  help- 
less as  a  child ;  for  the  poor  thing  couldn't  even 
speak  a  word  of  our  language. 

Now  you  will  perceive,  that  those  of  us  with 
any  charity  to  spare,  had  two  cases  on  hand  that 
called  for  our  immediate  attention — Fred  Kreis- 
ler  and  Hans  Strobel's  widow ;  and  after  duly  con- 
sidering the  premises,  we  concluded  that  it  would 
be  better  to  put  them  together,  and  make  but  one 
case  of  the  two.  The  widow  jumped  at  the 
chance  of  getting  a  smart  fellow,  who  would  make 
her  a  good  husband,  if  he  didn't  visit  town  too 
often  ;  and  Fred  was  glad  to  get  a  home,  a  good- 
natured  and  good-looking  vrow,  and  become,  as  it 
were,  a  man  of  some  property  and  consideration. 

Things  went  on  well  for  a  time  ;  but  Fred,  al- 
though anything  but  lazy,  could  not  and  would 
not  work  on  the  farm  ;  and  so,  for  the  sake  of  em- 
ployment, came  to  town  every  Saturday,  and  took 
out  work  enough  to  copy,  to  keep  him  busy  until 
Saturday  rolled  around  again. 

Saturday,  however,  was  the  very  worst  day  that 
poor  Fred  could  have  selected ;  for  you  all  know 


THE  TWO  BOTTLES.  75 

it  is  our  weekly  saturnalia,  when  all  the  idle 
fellows,  picayune  gamblers,,  petty  horse-jockeys, 
men  of  some  little  character,  and  men  of  none  at 
all,  in  this  part  of  the  country,  assemble,  fill  the 
groceries  and  empty  their  pockets.  Fred  was 
fond  of  any  kind  of  society ;  preferred  good  if  he 
could  get  it ;  but  was  not  very  squeamish,  so 
took  up  with  the  best  that  offered,  and  as  he  drew 
his  pay  for  writing  weekly,  found  no  trouble  in 
obtaining  companions  to  help  him  get  rid  of  it. 

We  talked  to  him  seriously,  and  at  last  told  him 
that  unless  he  went  home  sober,  we  could  not 
trust  him  with  important  papers  to  carry  off  with 
him. 

One  bitter  cold  day  Fred  came  to  town  full  of 
a  new-born  resolution.  H'e  did  not  intend  to  pass 
the  day  without  enjoying  himself,  but  he  did,  to 
carry  home  with  him  a  bottle  of  whiskey  so  well 
drugged  with  tartar-emetic  that  he  should  never 
want  to  see  a  glass  of  "  red-eye"  again.  He  got 
through  his  regular  business — a  part  of  which 
consisted  in  getting  pretty  thoroughly  fuddled — 
procured  a  bottle  of  whiskey,  pure,  and  a  second 
wofully  spiced;  managed  somehow  to  crawl  on 
the  back  of  his  old  mare,  and  set  forth — the  spi- 
ced bottle  of  whiskey  being  in  the  right  hand 
pocket  of  his  saddle-bags,  and  the  Simon  Pure  on 
the  left. 


76  THE  WRONG  BOTTLE. 

The  boys  about  had  noticed  this  arrangement, 
and  after  Fred  was  fairly  mounted,  some  of  them 
insisted  that  he  should  dismount  and  take  a  part- 
ing drink — an  invitation  it  was  not  in  his  nature 
to  refuse.  So  off  he  crawled,  and  while  in  the 
grocery,  some  one  shifted  the  saddlebags,  end  for 
end. 

Fred  got  under  way  again,  at  last,  and  seems  to 
have  met  with  no  accident  until  he  arrived  at  Lit- 
tle Creek,  about  a  mile  from  town,  on  his  home- 
ward route.  Now,  Little  Creek,  as  you  know, 
is  in  ordinary  times  a  small  shallow  stream  of 
clear  water,  with  a  monstrous  bed,  and  between 
high  banks ;  very  like  a  large  man  with  a  small 
soul.  On  special  occasions,  however,  it  can  get 
up  in  a  hurry,  and  fill  its  banks  to  overflowing. 

In  the  centre  of  the  stream,  at  the  crossing,  is 
a  large  log,  the  upper  surface  two  feet  at  least  out 
of  the  water  at  ordinary  times  ;  upon  which  it  is 
convenient  for  the  traveller  to  alight,  and  relieve 
his  horse  of  his  weight  while  the  animal  is 
drinking. 

It  was  Fred's  fortune,  on  descending  the  steep 
bank,  to  find  two  of  his  prairie  neighbors  standing 
on  this  log,  and  allowing  their  horses  to  rest  and 
quench  their  thirst. 

Of  course,  Fred's  horse  must  drink,  and  equally 
of  course  his  master  must  imitate  the  example, 


FEEE  PHTSIC.  77 

although  in  a  different  element.  So  Fred  alighted 
on  the  log,  and  pulling  out  the  bottle  from  the 
left  side  of  his  saddle-bags,  offered  it  to  his 
friends — who  took  a  right  hearty  swig — and  then 
drank  himself. 

Fred's  tongue  was  pretty  thoroughly  oiled,  and 
in  relating  the  news  he  had  picked  up  in  town, 
detained  his  friends  until  they  were  quite  ready 
for  another  dram.  Then  ensued  more  conversa- 
tion— for  it  is  a  serious  violation  of  country  eti- 
quette to  drink  and  run.  At  last  they  prepared 
for  a  start ;  but  now  nothing  would  serve  Fred 
except  a  parting  drink,  which  was  not  declined. 
By  this  time  the  bottle  was  half  gone,  and  Fred's 
friends  half  seas  over;  as  for  himself,  he  had 
crossed  the  line  long  ago. 

I  have  said  that  it  was  bitter  cold ;  in  fact,  the  se- 
cond day  of  a  norther.  "We  had  had  a  violent  rain 
during  part  of  the  previous  day  and  all  the  suc- 
ceeding night,  and  the  creek  was  on  the  rise. 
About  half  an  hour  after  sunset  I  was  at  old 
Webb's,  two  miles  beyond  the  creek,  and  about 
starting  for  town,  when  a  horse  that  had  been 
ridden  off  by  Webb's  son,  returned  without  a 
rider. 

The  old  man,  somewhat  alarmed,  mounted  the 
animal,  and  accompanied  me  towards  town. 

We  called  upon  his  nearest  neighbor  on  our 


78  THE  WRONG  BOTTLE. 

road,  and  learnt  that  he  had  accompanied  young 
Webb,  and  that  his  horse  also  had  just  returned 
riderless.  We  were  now  pretty  certain  that 
something  had  happened ;  and  on  arriving  at 
Ereisler's,  and  finding  his  old  mare  at  the  field 
fence,  roaming  about  and  feeding,  with  saddle  on, 
and  the  broken  reins  of  a  bridle  dangling  at  her 
feet,  I  must  confess  that  I  became  alarmed  my- 
self ;  and  causing  Fred's  negro  boy  to  mount  the 
mare,  we  sent  him  back  for  the  returned  horse,  at 
the  last  house,  and  ordered  him  to  lead  the  ani- 
mal,  and  follow  us  towards  town  as  soon  as  he 
could. 

We  met  no  one  upon  the  road,  and  neither 
heard  nor  saw  anything  of  the  missing  men  until 
we  arrived  at  the  creek  ;  but  when  we  rode  down 
the  bank,  there  sat  upon  the  old  log  our  three 
men ;  and  perhaps  the  most  pitiable  objects  that 
ever  yet  were  seen.  They  had  finished  the  bot- 
tle, and  it  is  a  wonder  that  it  had  not  finished 
them. 

The  water  had  mounted  up  to  their  waists,  and 
there  they  sat  astraddle  of  the  log,  helpless,  and 
making  the  most  woful  noises.  Intoxication  and 
nansea  had  come  on  together ;  and,  as  Webb 
afterwards  declared,  nothing  prevented  them  from 
throwing  up  their  boots,  *r>ut  the  fact  that  these 
articles  were  firmly  planted  in  the  mud. 


FIGHTS  "  CONSTANTLY  ON  HAND."  79 

We  dragged  the  poor  feliows  out,  helpless  and 
miserable,  placed  them  on  their  horses  like  so 
many  sacks,  and  walking  by  their  side,  managed 
to  hold  them  on  until  we  got  to  the  nearest  house ; 
then  had  them  put  into  a  warm  bed,  and  by  next 
morning  all  were  pretty  bright. 

The  story,  however,  soon  got  wind ;  but  in  the 
place  of  executing  summary  vengeance  upon  the 
grocery-man,  for  selling  bad  whiskey,  Kreisler's 
friends  transferred  their  threats  to  him,  and  for 
weeks  he  found  it  convenient  to  absent  himself. 
At  last,  mutual  friends  patched  the  matter  up. 

One  good  effect  was  produced,  the  trio  had 
quite  enough  of  whiskey  for  life;  and  one  tad  one, 
for  the  least  hint  about  the  affair,  in  the  presence 
of  either,  will  bring  on  a  fight  as  quick  as  you 
could  drop  your  hat. 

Now,  Uncle  Billy,  I  hope  the  moral  of  my  text 
is  sufficiently  apparent."  . 

"  Sartin,  clar  as  mud,"  said  Uncle  Billy. 
"  Don't  drink  every  man's  whiskey  you  meet  on 
the  road,  'specially  in  the  middle  of  a  risin' 
creek." 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

SAD  EFFECTS  OF  NUTMEG,  AND  A  WONDERFUL  GAME  OF 
POKER. 

"  BUT  I  tell  ye,  Judge,"  continued  Uncle  Billy, 
"  hit's  a  blessin'  them  chaps  knew  what  bit  'em  ; 
Jt  ain't  every  day  that  men's  so  wise. 

I  got  onto  a  boat  oncet  at  Nachitoches,  and  the 
first  man  I  sot  eyes  on  war  a  little,  long,  thin,  old, 
shrivel-face,  dried-up,  coast  Frenchman.  He  war 
a  settin'  in  the  social  hall  when  I  went  aboard, 
and  looked  just 's  if  he'd  swaller'd  a  rail,  and 
shrunk  to  it.  He  must  hev  had  a  holler  some- 
whar  in  his  legs  to  cache  all  the  pervisions  he  tuk 
in  ;  for  ef  you  could  ondly  hev  seed  him  at  the 
table,  you'd  hev  sot  him  down  fer  a  nateral  phe- 
losopher  a  tryin'  a  series  of  speriments,  to  find  out 
how  much  a  man  would  hold. 

Well,  as  I  war  sayin',  this  chap  war  the  first 
man  I  took  notice  on.     He  and  three  others  were  t 
a  playin'  uker,  and  a  goin'  it  in  on  the  groceries 

with  a  perfect  looseness. 
80 


FAVORABLE  OPERATION  OF  GROCERIES.  81 

Iv'ry  little  while  they'd  yell  out  "  uker,"  and 
then  all  hands  fired  up,  tell  afore  midnight  they 
war  all  rayther  above  par ;  and  I  reckon  when 
they  toted  the  old  one  off  to  bed  and  rolled  him 
in,  he  didn't  know  whether  he  war  in  his  berth  er 
in  his  infancy. 

I  war  a  stirrin'  mighty  soon  next  mornin',  and 
no  wonder,  fer  the  boat  war  so  full  that  I  had  to 
camp  down  on  the  biler  deck,  and  long  afore  sun- 
up I  see  old  Frenchy  a  thunderin'  round  to  get  the 
bar-keeper  started. 

Thinks  I,  "  old  stud,  ef  you'd  any  idee  last  night 
how  dry  you'd  a  been  this  mornin',  you'd  hev  tuk 
a  small  sprinklin'  more  afore  ye  vamosed." 

He  looked  mighty  like  the  gin-cocktail  the  bar- 
keeper mixed  up  fer  him,  and  that  war  down  in 
the  mouth,  in  three  shakes  of  a  dog's  tail,  by  the 
watch  ;  then  tuk  another  to  keep  that  straight, 
and  't  warn't  long  afore  the  groceries  begin  to 
oparate. 

"Musher  Barkeep,"  says  he,  "you  sail  hev  ze 
bontay  to  telle  me  vat  make  me  so  sou — no,  sow ; 
vat  you  call  heem — teps-up,  ear-a-sore,  how  you 
call  heem,  lass  night  ? — ah  ha  !" 

"  Well,  sir,  I  reckon  it  mought  be  the  brandy/' 

"  Sakray  !  no,  Musher,  I  vas  leeve  in  la  France, 
and  vas  drink  ze  brandy  every  day,  all  ze  time, 
6 


82  SAD  EFFECTS  OF  NUTMEG. 

and  it  nevair  make  me  teps-up — no,  nevair, 
Jamay." 

"  Oh,  ef  ifc  warn't  the  brandy  it  mought  hev 
been  the  sugar.  Sweetnin'  in  lickers  is  mighty 
onholsum." 

•*  Oh  no,  Musher ;  I  make  ze  sucre  mineself, 
and  it  not  tostify  pairsonnfe — no  nevair,  Jamay." 

"  Oh,  very  well  sir ;  you  know  best.  Suppose 
we  call  it  the  water,  then ;  hit's  oncommon  movin' 
to  strangers  in  these  parts." 

"  Va-at,  ze  watair  ?  No,  no,  NO,  Musher.  /  I  vas 
leeve  on  ze  Missipissi,  and  I  vas  drenk  ze  Missi- 
pissi  watair  avry  day — and  vas  leeve  on  ze  Kiv- 
aire  Rouge,  and  I  drink  zat  watair  avery  day,  and 
it's  entarema  empossibe  to  make  pairsonne  teps- 
up.  -  You  mus  make  fun  wiz  me." 

"  No  siree.  I  ain't  pokin'  fun  at  ye  ;  but  thar 
warn't  anythin'  else  in  your  licker,  ondly  the  nut- 
meg." 

"  Ah  ha  !  I  got  heem — ze  notmeeg — ze  sackray 
villain  notmeg.  Musher  Bar-keep  you  nevair  put 
him  in  my  likair  again ;  no,  nevair,  Jamay." 

Thinks  I,  "  old  stud  !  I  rayther  reckon  you're  a 
barkin'  up  the  wrong  tree  ;  hit  all  come  from  that 
consarned  uker."  And  I  tell  you.  Judge,  ef  thar 
warn't  no  sech  things  as  keerds,  thar  wouldn't  be 
a  quart  of  whiskey  drunk  in  this  Texas,  whar 
thar  is  a  barrel  now.  Bern  my  skin,  ef  they  ain't 


JACKS  VERSUS  ACES.         -  83 

at  the  bottom  of  mighty  nigh  all  the  mischief 
agoin'. 

Thar'd  be  a  heap  of  fun,  now  Judge,  in  playin' 
keerds,  ef  you  could  only  win  all  along ;  but  some- 
how a  nuther,  ef  ye  try  it,  ye're  pretty  sure  to  get 
yer  pile  raked  down  afore  ye  quit. 

Ef  ye're  a  fitin3  the  tiger,  ye  may  swar  ye'll  get 
scratched  tell  the  blood  comes ;  ef  ye  try  poker, 
?t  won't  be  long  afore  ye're  a  buttin7  yer  head 
agin  four  white  aces,  and  with  four  kings  in  yer 
own  hand,  prehaps ;  for  them  no  'count  chaps 
that  foller  poker  for  a  livin'  is  mighty  apt  to 
wring  in  a  cold  deck,  ef  they  can't  stock  the  one 
ye're  a  playin'  with ;  and  if  ye're  sot  down  to 
uker,  a  playin7  for  fun  and  whiskey,  all  hands  is 
mighty  apt  to  get  ukered  in  the  eend. 

Them  up-river  chaps,  now,  that's  fetched  up  on 
"seven-up"  and  "shoe-maker's  loo,"  ain't  a  bit 
fond  of  uker,  some  how  er  nuther  it  don't  set  well 
on  thar  stomachs  to  see  the  Jack  take  the  ace ; 
hit's  kind  of  onnateral,  and  they're  sorter  skear'd 
at  it. 

I  heer'd  one  of  'em  advisin'  his  son,  who  war 
bound  for  Orleens,  with  a  load  of  corn  and  taters, 
in  a  broadhorn. 

"  ]STow,  Ike,"  says  he,  "  what  iver  ye  do,  don't 
hev  nuthin'  to  say  to  that  new  game  they've  skeart 
up  down  thar,  whar  the  Jack  takes  the  ace ;  don't 


84  SAD  EFFECTS  OF  NUTMEG. 

ye  tech  it;  hit's  clear  agin  nater.  They  tried  me 
.  on  poker,  but  they  couldn't  shine ;  then  they 
fetched  on  loo,  but  I  war  thar  ;  arter  that  they  set 
out  to  get  me  under  at  old-sledge,  but  I  gin 
7em  fits  Erectly,  but  when  they  went  inter  that 
dern  mean,  no  'count  uker,  I  holler'd  pretty  spry, 
I  tell  you." 

I  see  a  mighty  funny  poker  game  oncet  on  the 
Massasip,  a  goin'  up  from  Orleens. 

Thar  war  four  old  coast  Frenchmen,  all  sugar- 
planters,  just  sold  thar  crap  and  got  thar  pockets 
full  of  rocks.  They  went  it  strong,  I  tell  ye. 
They'd  got  their  backs  and  tails  both  up.  Captain 
Whiskey  had  got  a  powerful  grip  on  'em,  and 
ef  they  warn't  a  humpin  it,  "  hark  from  the 
toombs." 

At  last  they  went  to  the  bar,  to  stretch  thar 
legs  and  wood-up ;  and  while  they  war  gone  I 
see  a  mischievious  lookin'  chap  a  changin'  thar 
papers. 

"Keep  shady,"  says  he,  a  winkin'  to  us  that 
were  standin'  round  the  table,  "  and  you'll  see  the 
old  boy  riz  Erectly." 

Back  come  the  old  chaps,  the  keerds  war  dealt 
round,  and  I  see  thar  eyes  a  snappin',  but  all  a 
tryin'  to  look  powerful  solemn. 

A  "  blind"  war  bet,  and  up  spoke  the  next 
hand. 


STRONG  HANDS.  85 

"  I  see  ze  blind  am  four  beets  bettair." 

"  I  see  zat  a  go  fife  dollar." 

"  Twenty  bettair  zan  you — ah  ha !" 

"  Sacray  toenails  !  von  hunder  bettair  zan 
you." 

Oh  ginger!  such  a  shellin*  out  as  thar  war  to  be 
shua ;  and  when  the  dimes  run  dry,  they  drawed 
drafts  on  Orleens,  and  give  notes  tell  they'd  bet 
all  they  war  worth,  and  when  the  hand  was  called, 
ivry  man  Jack  slaps  down  four  white  aces,  and 
dove  fer  the  pile ;  and  sech  a  yellin'  and  cursing 
and  sackrayin'  as  thar  war  when  they  diskivered 
how  they'd  been  sold. 

The  deck  on  the  table  were  all  aces,  and  as  it 
were  half  deck  poker  they  were  playin',  ivry  man 
got  five  aces,  and  thinkin7  another  ace  had  crawled 
into  the  pack  somehow,  they  all  cached  one,  and 
kept  the  others. 

One  run  fer  his  pistols,  another  pulls  out  his 
knife,  and  ef  they'd  ondly  diskivered  who  sarved 
'em  out,  thar'd  a  been  a  mighty  small  chaince  for 
him  ;  but  they  went  on  so  that  the  captin  had  to 
interfere,  and  shut  'em  up. 


CHAPTER  IX. 
THE  LAWYER'S  STORY — COLONIZING  DEAD  MAN'S 

ISLAND — A  TALE  OF  THE  MURRELL  TIMES. 

"  YOUR  story,  Mr.  Roberts,"  said  Milward, 
"  brings  to  my  mind  a  strange  transaction  that  I 
witnessed  upon  the  same  river.  It  was  not 
very  long  after  the  crusade  against  professional 
gamblers  had  been  prosecuted  so  vigorously 
in  all  the  lower  towns,  and  the  scamps  no  longer 
carried  so  high  a  hand  as  they  had  done.  It  was 
not  over  safe  to  attract  the  attention  of  officers  or 
passengers  by  plucking  their  pigeons  too  incau- 
tiously, except  perhaps  upon  such  boats  as  were 
owned  by  gamblers,  of  which  indeed  there  were 
more  than  one. 

I  was  descending  the  river  in  the  old  Thun-  ^ 
derer,  one  of  the  finest  boats  that  I  have  ever  . 
seen.  She  met  with  a  shocking  fate  the  next  I 

year,  being  destroyed  by  fire,  and  of  her  passen-  i 
86 

j 


UP  TO  TRAP.  87 

sengers,  numbering  nearly  three  hundred,  but 
few  escaped. 

My  room-mate  was  a  very  bright  young  fellow, 
a  New  Yorker,  out  upon  a  collecting  tour  for  his 
employers,  and,  as  a  game  of  uker,  that  I  played 
with  him  for  amusement  convinced  me,  a  very 
skilful  but  honorable  and  gentlemanly  player. 

He  was  returning  to  New  Orleans,  with  a  con- 
siderable sum  of  money  that  he  had  collected  for 
the  house  he  was  attached  to  in  New  York ;  and  I 
thought  it  proper  to  give  him  a  word  of  warning 
about  playing  for  money  at  all,  and  especially  with 
strangers  on  board  of  a  steamboat. 

He,  however,  laughed  at  my  caution  ;  said  that 
this  was  not  his  first  southern  trip  ;  that  when  last 
winter  he  went  up  the  river,  he  fell  in  with  a 
gambler  who  seemed  to  have  taken  a  fancy  to 
him,  and  who  appeared  to  know  all  the  principal 
tricks  and  marks  of  cards. 

He  added,  that  as  to  these  tricks,  he  had  not 
the  dexterity  required  to  play  them  off,  nor  would 
he  do  so  if  he  had,  but  yet  was  able  to  detect 
them  in  a  moment ;  and  that  playing  a  straight- 
forward open  game  himself,  with  plenty  of  money 
and  unflinching  nerve,  he  had  always  the  advan- 
tage of  gamblers — so  much  of  their  attention 
being  taken  up  by  stocking  the  cards,  and  when 


88  COLONIZING  DEAD  MAN'S  ISLAND. 

their  plans  were  defeated,  being  always  annoyed 
and  thrown  off  from  their  play. 

He  farther  said,  that  against  the  gamblers  he 
entertained  a  particular  spite,  as  his  brother  some 
years  since  had  been'  nearly  ruined  by  them,  when 
on  a  business  trip  similar  to  his  own;  and  that 
although  he  never  sought  a  game  of  poker,  he  also 
but  seldom  declined  it. 

I  still  urged  upon  him  the  great  danger  to 
which  he  exposed  himself,  but  he  laughed  at  my 
advice,  and  finally  called  my  attention  to  three 
persons  then  in  the  cabin,  who  he  said  he  was 
morally  certain  came  on  board  for  no  other  pur- 
pose than  to  bleed  him  ;  and,  added  he,  "  they 
shall  have  the  chance." 

Of  course  there  was  nothing  more  to  be  said  by 
me,  and  before  night  he  had  gently  slipped  into 
the  sporting  gentlemen's  net — as  they  supposed — 
and  was  playing  a  quiet  game,  with  moderate 
stakes. 

I  watched  the  game  very  closely.  It  was  evi- 
dent, that  although  apparently  playing  each  for 
himself,  it  was  a  joint  business  after  all  among 
the  chevaliers  d'industrie  ;  and  after  the  game  had 
lasted  for  a  couple  of  hours  or  so,  when  the  bet- 
ting ran  at  all  high,  there  was  but  one  hand  oppo- 
sed to  my  room-mate  in  any  one  deal,  and  that  one 
proved  invariably  the  strongest  of  the  three. 


NO,  YOU  DON  T.  89 

For  some  time  after  the  commencement  of  the 
play,  the  gamblers  evidently  intended  their  pigeon 
should  win,  but  they  need  not  have  taken  the 
trouble,  for  win  he  did  and  would.  As  he  had 
said,  he  had  nerve  enough  for  anything ;  plenty  of 
money,  knew  when  to  press  his  play,  and  when, 
from  the  run  of  the  cards  against  him,  to  keep  in 
shore. 

Presently  one  of  the  gamblers  proposed  to  go  to 
the  bar  and  procure  a  new  pack  of  cards. 

"  No  sir !"  replied  my  friend,  "  I  prefer  waiting 
until  some  one  comes  along  whom  we  can  send 
for  them." 

"  Do  you  suppose  that  I  am  going  to  run  any 
game  on  you,  sir  ?"  demanded  the  gambler,  in  the 
"  Ancient  Pistol"  style. 

"  No,"  was  the  quiet  reply ;  "  I  know  you  are 
not." 

After  this  there  were  no  more  attempts  at 
careless  playing.  The  three  did  their  best,  but 
continued  to  lose. 

Supper  time  drew  near,  and  the  game  was 
necessarily  discontinued  for  a  time.  The  three 
went  forward,  but  I  kept  my  eyes  upon  them,  and 
observed  the  party  assembled  on  the  hurricane 
deck,  at  the  stern  of  the  boat  evidently  enga- 
ged in  animated  conversation.  Of  this  I  informed 
my  friend,  and  advised  him  to  break  off  the  game 


90  COLONIZING  DEAD  MAN*S  ISLAND. 

where  it  was  ;  but  no,  he  would  not  hear  a  word 
of  quitting  them  or  frightening  them  off. 

After  supper  they  went  at  it  again  with  a  much 
higher  ante,  and  the  betting  proportionately 
increased.  Many  of  the  passengers  were  assem- 
bled around  the  table  watching  the  game  with 
interest,  and  evidently  to  the  great  annoyance  of 
the  sporting  gentlemen,  who  made  as  many 
remarks,  and  hinted  quite  as  broadly  as  they 
dared  about  intrusion ;  but  as  I  have  before 
remarked,  their  day  of  rule  was  over,  and  they 
dared  not,  upon  any  ordinary  occasion  exhibit 
that  insolence,  which,  backed  by  their  ever-ready 
weapons,  had  made  them  feared,  dreaded,  and  too 
often  submitted  to,  upon  the  river  boats. 

Among  the  spectators  was  a  tall,  portly  gentle- 
man, of  a  very  dignified  and  commanding  appear- 
ance ;  who,  after  intently  watching  the  game  for 
some  time,  gave  me  a  quiet  hint  that  he  had 
something  to  say  in  private;  and  then  walked  out 
upon  the  guards  of  the  boat. 

"  Is  that  young  man  a  friend  of  yours  ?"  asked 
he. 

I  told  him  all  that  I  knew  of  him  in  a  few 
words. 

"  Well,  sir,"  said  he,  "  it's  a  bad  business  that 
he  is  engaged  in  ;  yet  he  seems  to  be  a  fine,  hon- 
est fellow,  plays  fairly,  and  I  think  the  best  game 


MAKE  READY.  91 

of  poker  that  I  have  ever  seen,  but  he  is  playing 
with  three  of  the  greatest  scoundrels  unhung ;  they 
do  not  know  me  I  think,  but  I  do  them ;  and  it 
will  be  a  black  day  for  the  rascals,  when  I  find 
them  ashore  in  my  State.  They  will  play  him 
some  cantrip  yet,  mark  my  words ;  there  is  noth- 
ing that  they  are  not  up  to ;  and  even  if  his  purse 
escape  their  clutches  to-night,  and  there  is  no 
other  way  of  fingering  his  money,  they  will  rob 
him,  if  allowed  to  remain  on  board  the  boat ;  but 
that  I  will  see  to.  Have  you  enough  interest  in 
the  young  man  to  remain  by  the  table  with  me  as 
long  as  they  may  continue  to  play  ?" 

I  replied  that  I  had. 

"  Are  you  armed  ?"  asked  he. 

"  A  case  of  pistols  in  my  state-room,"  an- 
swered I. 

"  Get  them,  then,"  said  he,  "and  meet  me  at  the 
table  in  a  few  minutes.  I  wish  to  speak  to  the 
captain  and  clerk." 

For  half  an  hour  longer  this  game  went  on  as 
usual;  but  at  last,  one  of  the  gamblers,  whose 
turn  it  was  to  deal,  dropped  the  cards  upon  the 
floor  and,  I  was  very  sure,  changed  them  for 
another  pack,  probably  kept  ready  under  a  hand- 
kerchief which  was  in  his  lap.  My  dignified 
friend  gave  me  a  look,  and  then  placed  himself  in 
such  a  position  that  the  gambler  could  not  remove 


92  COLONIZING  DEAD  MANJS  ISLAND. 

or  conceal  the  first  pack  without  being  seen,  if  it 
were  indeed  beneath  the  handkerchief,  as  I  sup- 
posed. 

This  manoeuvre  had  not  escaped  the  notice  of 
my  acute  friend,  who  chose  to  let  it  pass  for  the 
moment,  not  intending  to  bet  on  any  hand,  how- 
ever good  it  might  be,  that  he  should  hold  this 
deal^as  he  afterwards  told  me  :  the  most  determi- 
ned man,  however,  cannot  always  resist  tempta- 
tion. 

As  he  took  up  his  cards  I  saw  them — he  had 
four  aces  (an  invincible)  dealt  to  him,  as  I 
thought  at  the  time,  by  mistake ;  but  the  after- 
betting  puzzled  me. 

They  had  been  playing  for  an  ante  of  ten  dol- 
lars, each  putting  up  the  whole  pool  in  turn  ;  the 
oldest  hand  had  put  up  a  "  blind"  of  fifty  dollars, 
arid  it  was  my  friend's  first  say.  He  "  saw"  the 
blind — that  is,  he  laid  down  one  hundred  dollars, 
and  then  bet  two  hundred  "  better" — a  capital  play, 
and  one  very  likely  to  be  mistaken  by  his  oppo- 
nents for  a  "  bluff."  The  next  hand  "  passed," 
and  then  drew  his  card ;  the  dealer  then  "  saw" 
the  bet,  and  also  bet  two  hundred  dollars  "  bet- 
ter." 

Now,  it  was  the  oldest  hand's  turn ;  he  had 
passed  the  first  "  say"  by  "  going  blind."  He  did 
not  "make  his  blind  good,"  but  threw  up  his 


A  STRONG  GAME.  93 

cards,  and  the  contest  was  between  the  New 
Yorker  and  the  Gambler.  At  this  juncture  you 
will  perceive  there  were  on  the  table  seven  hun- 
dred and  ten  dollars,  and  it  was  the  New  Yorker's 
turn.  He  appeared  in  deep  thought  for  a  mo- 
ment, examined  his  hand,  studied  it,  took  out  a 
pocket-book,  and  not  finding  what  he  wanted,  un- 
buttoned his  vest,  and  after  some  time,  pulled  out 
a  money-belt,  and  took  from  it  several  bills. 

"I  will  cover  your  bet,  and  bet  you  a  thousand 
and  forty-five  dollars  more,"  said  he  at  last,  as 
cool  as  a  cucumber. 

"And what's  the  forty-five  for?"  asked  "Legs." 

4 'If  you  'see'  my  bet,  it  will  make  even  mo- 
ney," answered  "  New  York." 

It  was  now  the  Gambler's  chance,  and  he 
seemed  very  much  excited,  and  his  companions 
particularly  fidgetty  ;  he  drew  a  roll  of  bills  from 
his  pocket,  then  asked  his  right  hand  man  for  the 
tobacco ;  it  was  handed  to  him  under  the  table, 
and  then  he  made  his  bet. 

"  I  believe  you're  bluffing  me,  hoss,  and  have  a 
good  mind  to  call  you,"  said  he,  "  but  I  won't, 
here ;  I'll  '  see'  your  bet,  and  go  five  hundred 
more." 

The  game  was  becoming  very  exciting,  and  at 
this  moment  I  saw  my  dignified  new  acquaintance 


94:  COLONIZING  DEAD  MAN7S  ISLAND. 

give  a  slight  nod  to  the  clerk  of  the  boat,  and  the 
latter  walked  out  upon  the  guards. 

"  New  York"  was  counting  his  money.  "  See 
your  five  hundred,  and  go  another  thousand,"  said 
he,  laying  down  three  bills  of  the  old  United 
States  Bank. 

"  Legs"  examined  the  money,  looked  very  criti- 
cally at  the  pile  of  bills  the  New  Yorker  had  by 
his  side,  which  were  seemingly  of  small  amount, 
took  a  critical  survey  of  the  money-belt,  consulted 
his  companion's  eyes,  and  then  said  with  a  hateful 
sneer— 

"  "Well,  sir,  here's  your  thousand,  and  that 
makes  six  thousand,  on  the  table.  Nice  little 
sum  ;  most  enough  to  open  a  snug,  quiet  bank  at 
Orleans ;  but  here's  five  thousand  better." 

"  Hold  on,  hold  on,  stranger,"  cried  "  New 
York,"  "  you  oversize  my  pile  ;  must  have  a  show 
for  my  money,  you  know." 

"  The  d— 1  you  must,"  retorted  "  Legs."  "  If  you 
back  down,  say  so  like  a  man,  and  then  if  you  are 
flat-footed,  I'd  lend  you  a  stake  to  start  on.  If 
you  don't  dare  to  call  me,  say  so,  and  don't  whine 
like  a  puppy  or  a  baby,  but  give  up  like  a  man," 

The  New  Yorker  turned  very  pale,  raised  his 
eyes  to  the  surrounding  crowd,  as  if  to  ask 
whether  they  deemed  this  fair  play;  then  pre- 


THE  SWEATING  COMMENCES.  95 

tended  to  examine  the  money  in  the  pool,  but  did 
not  reply. 

"  Quit  handlin'  them  shin-plasters,  hoss  ;  it's  no 
ways  likely  they'll  trouble  your  pockets;  and  just 
call  me,  or  I'll  rake  down  the  pile,"  growled  out 
"Legs,"  in  an  excessively  insolent  manner. 

"  One  moment,  sir,'7  interrupted  my  new  friend. 
"  Here,  sir,  (throwing  a  pocket-book  to  the  New 
Yorker,)  call  him,  if  you  wish." 

Up  jumped  the  three  gamblers,  pistol  in  hand ; 
but  before  either  could  grasp  the  money,  they 
were  seized  behind  by  three  stalwart  fellows,  and 
then  the  swearing  commenced. 

"  This  game  shall  be  played  out,  noise  or  no 
noise.  Open  my  pocket-book,  sir,  and  use  the 
money  as  you  please.  Mate,  gag  those  fellows  if 
they  swear  another  oath,"  said  the  portly  gentle- 
man, in  the  tone  of  one  born  to  command. 

New  York  opened  the  book,  found  the  requi- 
site amount,  placed  it  on  the  table,  and  then 
"called." 

"  Call  and  be ;  do  you  think  outsiders  can 

come  around,  lookin'  at  our  hands,  interfering 
with  my  game,  and  lending  money  ?  No  siree, 
hoss,"  yelled  out  the  gambler. 

"  Will  you  divide  the  money,  then  ?"  asked  the 
gentleman. 

"  Not  a  d—  bit  of  it.    It's  mine,  and  by  —  I'll 


96  COLONIZING  DEAD  MAN*S  ISLAND. 

have  every  red  cent  of  it  but  your  five  thousand," 
replied  "  Legs."  "  Say,  strangers,  (addressing  the 
spectators,)  can't  you  see  this  is  a  put  up  thing — 
and  these  two  gamblers  here  are  trying  to  rob  a 
gentleman  ?  Are  you  going  to  stand  it  ?" 

"  Turn  over  their  hands,"  said  the  gentleman, 
paying  no  attention  to  the  other's  words. 

The  cards  were  faced  ;  "  New  York"  had  four 
aces  ;  "  Legs,"  two  Jacks,  king,  queen  and  ten. 

"Pretty  hand  that  last  to  bet  eight  thousand 
on,"  remarked  the  gentleman. 

"  Bloody  robbery  by  — ,"  yelled  out  the  gam- 
bler; "  but  I'll  have  justice  when  I  get  to  Orleans, 
by  — ." 

"  You  shall,  sir,  and  before,  too  ;  and  when  you 
make  your  complaint,  tell  Mr.  Baldwin  that  you 
were  robbed  by  the  Governor  of  this  State,  sir ; 
and  if  I  had  you  ashore,  you  should  have  an  op- 
portunity of  complaining  that  you  expected  to  be 
murdered  also,  on  short  notice  ;  for  as  I  live,  if  I 
ever  do  catch  you  there,  you  will  be  handed  over 
to  the  Safety  Committee  before  you  can  turn  up 
a  Jack,  smart  as  you  are  at  it.  We  have  been 
looking  for  you  three  gentlemen  for  the  past  year, 
and  if  you  had  been  found  anywhere  on  the  left 
bank  of  the  river,  we  should  have  had  you  rotting 
in  prison  with  your  friend  Murrell  long  ere  this  ; 
or,  more  probably,  dangling  from  a  mulberry  or 


COLONIZING.  97 

black-jack,  with  your  cronies  Cotton  and  Saun- 
ders." 

"  Captain  C ,"  continued  he,  addressing  the 

commander  of  the  boat,  who  had  just  made  his 
appearance  on  the  scene— is  there  any  island 
about  here  that  it  would  pay  to  colonize  ?" 

"  Just  exactly  the  very  place,  sir,"  returned  the 
captain.  "  We're  right  above  Dead  Man's  Island 
— going  into  the  shute  now,  sir." 

"  No  inhabitants,  I  believe,"  demanded  the 
Governor. 

"None,  sir,  but  rattlesnakes,  moccasins,  and 
mosquitoes.  Shall  I  land  them  there,  sir?" 

"  Yes,  with  a  week's  supply  of  bread ;  not  one 
drop  of  liquor.  Take  their  weapons  away,  and 
any  tools  of  their  trade  that  they  may  have  about 
them  ;  and  if  they  have  any  letters  or  papers  on 
their  persons,  let  the  clerk  seal  them  up  and  deli- 
ver them  to  Mr.  Baldwin,  with  my  compliments. 
Adieu,  gentlemen— continued  he,  addressing  the 
gamblers,  as  the  mate  and  his  men  were  taking 
them  off,  gagged  and  bound-%ou  will  find  your 
baggage  and  traps  at  the  Recorder's  office,  when 
you  arrive  at  New  Orleans." 

"  And  now,  sir"— (to  the  New  Yorker)—"  you 

may  return  my  loan ;  and  if  I  might  advise,  I 

think  you  had  better  present  the  large  sum  you 

have  just  won  to  the  orphan  asylum,  when  you 

7 


98  COLONIZING  DEAD  MAN'S  ISLAND. 

arrive :  and  also,  if  you  will  excuse  friendly  ad- 
vice, let  cards  alone  for  the  future,  at  least  among 
strangers  and  steamboat  travellers." 

"  I  feel  truly  grateful  to  you,  sir,"  replied  my 
young  friend.  "  The  money  shall  be  disposed  of 
as  you  suggest,  and  I  have  done  with  games 
of  chance  for  life." 

And  now,  Uncle  Billy,  and  Mr.  Sam  Slick,  I 
should  like  to  ask,  if,  for  a  quiet  little  adventure, 
this  is  not  a  match  for  any  of  your  card-playing 
experiences  ?" 


CHAPTER  X. 

THE  TWO   DOCTORS  —  PETER   SHAM,    SHAM   PETER   AND 
SALT  PETER. 

"  WELL,  now  I  guess,  squire,"  said  Bunce,  "  it 
wasn't  card-playin'  alone  that  young  chap  wanted 
to  be  cured  on.  You  see  the  card-playin'  was 
nothing  but  one  of  the  fruits  of  the  tree,  but  the 
root  of  the  evil  was  consate.  If  he  hadn't  a  been 
a  most  a  mighty  self-consated  critter,  he  never  'd 
have  slighted  your  advice.  Ask  Uncle  Billy, 
now,  and  he'll  tell  you  it's  only  another  shape  of 
bein'  too  smart.  Ask  my  cousin  Sam,  and  he  '11 
say  it's  all  human  natur' ;  but  I  cal'late  it's  all 
consate ;  and  I  guess  they're  all  pups  of  pretty 
much  the  same  litter. 

In  some  folks  you  can  see  the  consate  stickin' 
out  a  feet ;  in  others  agin  it  strikes  in.  It  makes 
the  first  bold  and  pushin',  and  sassy  as  pison,  and 
the  others  shy,  and  proud,  and  clus-mouthed. 

Folks  call  the  one  brass  and  the  other  resarve ; 

99 


100  PETER  SHAM,  SHAM  PETER,  AND  SALT  PETER, 

but,  squire,  now  it's  jest  the  same  complaint,  I 
guess.  I  cal'late  now  its  pesky  like  havin'  the 
measles  or  small-pox ;  if  it  breaks  out,  it's  worse 
for  other  folks ;  if  it  strikes  in,  its  worse  for  your- 
self. When  it's  all  over  yer  face$  you  ain't  over 
and  above  agreeable  to  look  at ;  other  folks  don't 
admire  you  much,  but  they'll  give  you  the  track, 
and  putty  spry  too.  But  when  it  hides  away  in 
your  stumik,  er  yer  dyin'  frame,  as  the  doctor's  call 
it,  it's  a  pesky  hard  chance  for  you. 

Father — and  he  had  a  most  amazin'  gift  of 
tellin'  stories,  that  had  plagy  sharp  pints  to  'em, 
and  it's  a  sorter  family  failin',  too  ;  there's  Cousin 
Sam's  got  the  disease  dreadful — Father  used  to 
say,  "  ther's  two  kinds  of  consate,  that  ain't  no  kin 
in  the  world  to  each  other.  One  kind  of  consate 
sets  you  to  swallerin'  hull,  all  sorts  of  stuff  that 
you  hear,  and  believin'  it  equal  to  scripter.  The 
other — and  that's  self-consate — won't  let  ye  be- 
lieve nothin'."  And  then  he'd  up  and  tell  about 
the  two  young  doctors,  that  sot  out  to  be  suthin' 
a  good  deal  above  par,  and  nothin'  would  sarve 
'em  but  they  must  go  on  to  France  and  England 
to  get  the  finish  put  on.  "When  the  first  one  had 
sarved  his  time  out,  the  old  doctor  he'd  been  a 
sarvin'  under  said  to  him,  "  Now,  Eph,  you've 
been  three  years  with  me,  and  I  guess  have  read 
most  all  the  docter  books  through  that's  worth 


SHEEPSKIN  AND  9AIR.  ,  101 

readin'.  IVe  let  you  inter '  all  the  regular  secrets 
of  the  trade,  but  there's  one  tlinig  I  havn't;  it 
ain't  printed  in  any  of  'em,  but  is  kept  among  the 
old  stagers,  just  like  the  mason's  keep  their  secrets. 
Young  doctors  stick  to  their  books,  and  sometimes 
never  find  it  out  all  their  lives ;  but  I've  took  a 
considerable  wonderful  shine  to  you,  and  you 
shall  have  it  cheap ;  and  between  you  and  me  and 
the  bed-post,  I've  made  my  forten  by  it. 

Well,  Eph  wanted  the  secret  right  off;  but  the 
old  doctor  wouldn't  let  him  have  it  only  on  two 
conditions.  The  first  was  five  hundred  dollars 
right  down  on  the  nail ;  the  other,  that  it  should 
be  put  in  writin'  in  a  letter,  and  it  wasn't  to  be 
opened  till  the  young  feller'd  been  to  sea  a  week. 

Well,  they  traded,  and  when  the  time  cum, 
Ephraim  opened  the  vallable  paper,  and  all  the 
writin'  on  it  was,  "  Consate  will  "kill  a  mem,  and 
consate  will  cure  a  ma/n" 

I  guess  tain't  every  day  you  see  a  chap  so  riley 
as  the  young  man  was ;  but  it  couldn't  be  helped 
— no  use  cryin'  for  spilt  milk,  and  so  he  had  to 
grin  and  bear  it ;  but  it  kept  in  his  mind,  and  he 
turned  it  over  and  over,  till  he  see  there  was 
suthin'  in  it  arter  all. 

When  he'd  got  his  foreign  sheepskin  and  a  pair 
of  mustashers,  he  come  home  and  sot  up  away  off 
from  where  he  was  raised ;  and  he  worked  the  old 


102  PETER  SHAM,  .SHAM  PETER,  AND  SALT  PETER. 

docter's,  j-esstte  till  it  was  equil  to  a  Californy  gold 
kniin<3 ;  bat 'for 'all 'that,  the  five  hundred  dollars 
stuck  in  his  crop,  and  he  was  detarmined  to  be 
even  with  the  critter  before  he  died. 

At  last,  the  old  doctor  took  a  kinder  notion  to 
go  out  West,  and  one  night  he  happened  to  stop 
at  the  very  hotel  where  the  other  stayed.  Arter 
supper  he  went  into  the  bar-room,  and  there  was 
the  young  one  a  talkin'  away  about  some  new 
kink  that  had  jest  turned  up,  when  he  spied  his 
old  friend,  and  knew  him  right  off  the  reel,  and 
settled  in  his  mind  how  he'd  sarve  him  out.  So 
he  went  on  with  his  talkin',  only  shiftin'  himself 
round,  so's  to  be  nigh  where  the  old  man  was  a 
settin. 

Says  he,  "  There  ain't  no  mistake  in  it ;  by  this 
new  way  that's  been  just  found  out,  the  medical 
man  kin  see  the  disease  in  the  patient's  face  long 
afore  it's  known  to  the  patient ;  and  here,  (pintin' 
to  the  doctor,)  here's  a  case  in  pint.  He  looks 
hearty  now  don't  he  ?  Well,  I  tell  you  he  hasn't 
more'n  three  days  to  live,  without  suthin  more'n 
common's  done  for  him.  There  ain't  but  one  man 
this  side  of  the  Atlantic  can  cure  him,  and  that's 
me." 

The  old  man  jumped  up  mad  as  a  hornet,  and 
went  off  to  bed ;  but  he  couldn't  sleep  a  wink,  for 


IN  A  BAD  WAY.  103 

thinkin'  of  what  he'd  heard ;  it  made  him  so  ama- 
zin'  mad. 

Next  mornin',  as  he  hadn't  slept  none,  he 
couldn't  eat,  didn't  feel  well  enough  to  go  in  the 
stage,  and  went  up  to  his  room  and  laid  down. 
But  he  grew  worse  and  worse,  had  a  high  fe  ver 
that  night  and  no  sleep ;  couldn't  eat  next  day. 
The  tavern-keeper  wanted  he  should  call  in  that 
amazin'  smart  docter  that  boarded  with  him  ;  but 
he  said  he  was  a  darn'd  humbug,  and  wouldn't. 

"When  night  come,  he'd  about  made  up  his 
mind  that  he  was  done  for,  and  did  send  for  the 
doctor. 

Well,  he  come,  looked  at  him,  and  says  he,  "  If 
you  had  treated  me  like  a  gentleman,  I'd  have  re- 
moved the  cause  of  the  disease  at  once,  and  with- 
out taxin'  you ;  for  I  see  ye're  a  docter  too ;  but 
you've  called  me  a  humbug.  If  I  don't  save  you 
to-night  you're  a  dead  man;  to-morrow  will  be  too 
late.  You  wouldn't  trust  me,  and  I  shan't  trust 
you^  but  if  you  valley  your  life  at  five  hundred 
dollars,  send  me  the  money  or  a  draft  for  it,  and 
I'll  send  you  a  perscription  that'll  set  you  up 
agin." 

Afore  long  the  money  come,  and  the  young 
man  sot  down  and  wrote,  "  Consate  will  Jcill  and 
consate  will  cure  a  man"  on  a  sheet  of  paper, 
sealed  it  up,  and  sent  it  to  the  sick  man's  room. 


104  PETER  SHAM,  SHAM  PETER,  AND  SALT  PETER. 

The  old  doctor  took  it,  and  jest  could  get  it 
open,  he  was  so  pesky  weak ;  but  the  minit  he 
read  it,  up  he  jumped  as  well  as  ever;  singin'  out, 
"it's  that  consarned  Eph;  I  thought  I  know'd 
him ;"  ordered  a  beef-steak,  slept  sound  upon  it, 
and  was  off  bright  and  arly  next  mornin' — per- 
fectly satisfied  that  his  perscription  was  correct, 
for  it  had  been  tried  on  himself. 

ISTow  for  t'other  kind. 

The  other  docter  went  to  Paris,  and  afore  long 
consated  that  he  could  beat  all  created  natur'  a 
docterin',  so  he  sot  out  for  London,  on  his  way 
home.  When  he  got  to  Calais,  he  found  an  Eng- 
lishman layin'  there,  plaguy  nigh  doctered  to 
death.  He'd  had  a  leetle  fever,  but  that  had  been 
physick'd  and  starved  out  of  him,  and  he  was  een 
a  most  gone  for  want  of  suthin'  to  eat. 

When  he  heard  another  doctor  was  in  the 
house,  and  that  he  wasn't  a  Frenchman,  he  had 
him  brought  up  to  his  room  straight  off,  and  beg- 
ged him  for  suthin'  nice  to  eat,  like  roast  beef  and 
plum  puddin'.  The  young  man  seem'  he  was  jest 
agoin,'  with  not  more'n  six  hours  life  in  him,  went 
down,  told  the  landlord  to  give  him  whatever  he 
asked  for,  and  in  three  days  John  Bull  was  able 
to  kick  his  French  doctors  out  of  the  room  when 
they  called  to  see  him,  and  to  hand  over  a  plaguy 
fat  fee  to  the  Yankee. 


A  NEW  CUKE.  105 

The  young  doctor's  eyes  stuck  out  at  the  cure, 
and  he  consated  he'd  made  a  diskivery  that  beat 
Christopher  Columbus  all  to  nothin'.  And  so  he 
wrote  down  in  his  note  book,  "  Roast  fieef  and 
plum-puddiri  a  sure  cure  for  intermittent  fever" 

Over  the  creek  goes  the  docter,  and  when  he 
gets  to  Dover,  there  he  finds  a  poor  Frenchman  in 
his  tavern,  down  with  a  fever  too.  So  he  went  to 
braggin'  how  monstrous  cute  he  was  in  them  kind 
of  complaints,  and  he  got  the  job.  Roast  beef 
and  plum-puddin'  was  ordered,  and  stuffed  down 
the  poor  feller's  throat,  and  in  twelve  hours  he'd 
quit  this  country  for  the  Frenchman's  Paradise — 
though  where  that  is,  I  guess  I  couldn't  tell.  Well, 
this  didn't  change  the  doctor's  idees  of  his  import- 
ant diskivery,  only  he'd  made  a  new  one. 

He  scratched  out  the  first  entry,  and  then  wrote 
down — 

"  FOB  INTERMITTENT  FEVER. — Roast  Beef  and 
Plum-puddings  sure  cure  for  an  Englishman  and 
sartin  death  for  a  Frenchman" 

This  chap,  ye  see,  had  got  the  other  sort  of  con- 
sate  so  strong  on  him  that  it  was  sartin  to  mark 
him  for  life.  I  ain't  a  tellin'  these  stories  as  any- 
thing bran  new,  but  they  're  what  father  used  to 
tell  me  years  ago. 

When  I  fust  come  to  the  South,  I  went  down  to 


106   PETER  SHAM,  SHAM  PETER,  AND  SALT  PETER. 

York,  and  got  a  passage  in  the  old  La  Fayette  to 
Charleston. 

In  them  days  folks  used  to  go  by  sailin'  vessels ; 
there  was  a  steamboat  or  two  a  runnin',  but 
'twarn't  long  after  the  Pulaski  and  the  Home  had 
made  a  most  amazin'  awful  piece  of  bisnis,  and 
folks  kinder  thought  sails  was  safest  arter  all;  and 
to  tell  you  a  secret,  I  ain't  fairly  got  over  that  old 
fogy  notion  yet. 

We  had  forty  passengers  in  the  cabin,  and  some 
plaguy  queer  fish  amongst  7em.  There  was  a 
young  chap  that  'tracted  a  good  deal  of  notice 
right  off.  Soon's  he  come  aboard,  he  pulls  off  his 
boots  and  puts  on  sailor  pumps,  takes  off  his  over- 
coat, and  gets  into  a  rough  petersham  pea-jacket ; 
then  he  begins  long  yarns  about  what  in  amazin* 
grand  sailor  he  was,  and  how  much  he'd  been  to 
sea,  and  afore  we'd  got  away  from  the  dock,  he 
was  a  runnin'  up  one  of  the  shrouds  and  down 
another ;  but  I  took  notice  that  he  was  partickler 
to  crawl  through  the  lubber-hole. 

Now,  the  critter  had  never  been  to  sea  in  all  his 
born  days,  but  was  one  of  them  York  boys  that 
loaf  round  the  dock,  a  hangin'  about  vessels,  and 
a  climbing  all  over  'em,  when  the  old  folks  think 
they're  safe  at  school. 

We  hadn't  got  hauled  out  inter  the  stream  afore 
the  rest  on  us  got  a  handle  fixed  to  his  axe,  and  it 


SHAM  PETER.  107 

was  "  Petersham ;"  and  most  a  grand  name  it  was ; 
it  was  named  after  his  coat,  and  it  could  be  turned 
like  a  coat,  and  altered  like  a  coat.  Arter  a 
while,  when  we  found  what  kind  of  a  sailor  he 
was,  we  turned  it,  and  called  him  "  Sham-Peter;" 
and  then  afore  long,  for  pertickeler  reasons,  we 
cut  off  the  tail  intirely,  makin'  a  round-jacket  on 
it,  and  givin'  it  a  new  collar — that  is,  we  called 
him  «  Salt-Peter." 

While  we  was  a  runnin'  down  the  bay,  Peter 
was  everywhere  and  inter  everything.  I  could  see 
the  captin's  eyes  was  sot  on  him,  and  he  was  a  cus- 
sin'  him  all  alone  to  himself,  but  there  was  ladies 
on  deck,  and  we  warn't  in  blue  water  yet ;  and 
so  the  old.  man  was  on  his  best  superfine  manners. 
Every  thing  was  in  a  snarl,  as  it  always  is  in  a 
ship  just  gittin'  to  sea  ;  and  any  way  she  was  the 
most  lumbered  up  ship  I  ever  see.  As  for  Peter, 
he  was  a  helpin'  everybody.  When  we  cast  off 
the  tow-boat,  Peter  was  a  standin'  right  on  a  coil 
of  rope  that  was  a  goin7  to  be  run  out.  The  mate 
spied  him,  and  sung  out — 

"  Hallo !  you,  stand  clear  of  yer  legs  there." 

"  And  how  can  I  do  that,  sir  ?"  asked  Peter,  as 
innocent  as  a  nussin'  lamb. 

He  hadn't  got  the  words  fairly  out,  ^vhen  whiz 
goes  the  cable,  up  goes  Peter,  jerked  right  a-top 
of  a  great  hawser,  coiled  up,  turns  a  fair  summer- 


108   PETEKSHAM,   SHAM-PETEK,   AND   SALT-PETEK. 

set,  and  pitches  slap  down  off  the  quarter-deck 
head  first  into  a  slush-bucket.  The  men  run  to 
him,  and  picked  him  up  ;  and  sich  a  lookin'  crit- 
ter, with  a  new-fashioned  wodden'  hat  on,  and  the 
slush  a  runnin'  down  his  face  and  all  over  his 
clothes. 

"When  he  got  clear  of  the  bucket,  he  sneaked 
off  below,  feelin'  plaguy  cheap,  and  lookin'  dread- 
ful nasty  ;  but  when  the  bell  rung  for  lunch,  the 
first  man  on  the  docket  was  Peter,  in  a  span  new 
rig ;  his  hair,  though,  didn't  want  any  top-dressin* 
or  hair-ile  for  the  next  six  months. 

For  two  days,  the  first  man  at  the  first  table  was 
Peter ;  but  on  the  third  mornin'  he  was  down  as 
common  to  breakfast,  but  afore  he'd  got  a  mouth- 
ful swaller'd,  suthin'  come  acrost  him  ;  he  turned 
blue  about  the  gills,  and  crawled  up  the  conx 
panion  ladder. 

The  main  deck  was  awful  lumbered  up ;  there 
was  two  tier  of  barrels,  and  on  them  the  big- 
gest pile  of  cabbages  I  ever  see ;  and  when  we 
come  up  from  breakfast,  there  was  Peter  mounted 
up  a-top  of  'em,  to  get  all  the  fresh  air  he  could  ; 
and  a  most  dreadful  misfortinit  lookin'  critter  he 
was,  too  ;  and  to  make  it  worse,  the  boys  begin  a 
pokin'  fun  at  him. 

"  Peter,"  says  one,  "  I  guess  you'll  lose  your 


SALT  PETER.  109 

breakfast,  if  you  don't  stir  up  your  shanks  and 
make  tracks  below." 

"  I  kinder  cal'late  he's  lost  it  already,"  says 
another. 

"  I'm  dreadful  afear'd  Peter's  got  the  cholery," 
says  number  three.  "  Can't  be  sea  sick,  he's  such 
an  old  salt ;  Tm  pesky  fear'd  it's  cholery." 

"  Have  the  captin  called  right  straight  off," 
says  four,  "  and  if  he  has  got  it,  I  guess  it  '11  be 
best  for  him  and  all  on  us  to  have  him  chucked 
overboard  quick 's  possible.  It  '11  be  easier  fer 
him,  and  we  musn't  have  the  complaint  a  spread- 
in'  amongst  the  rest  on  us." 

But  Peter  didn't  pay  one  mite  of  attention,  and 
there  he  stuck.  By  Jemimy  !  how  the  wind  did 
blow.  It  begun  in  the  mornin',  and  by  noon  it 
was  a  reg'lar  harricane ;  but  there  sot  Peter — the 
wind  all  the  time  getting  no  better  very  fast 
indeed — and  we  was  afeard  the  poor  forlorn  crit- 
ter would  get  blowed  over. 

We  tried  to  coax  him,  and  skear  him  down,  but 
it  wasn't  one  mite  of  use.  He'd  mounted  up 
there  afore  eight  o'clock,  and  there  he  sot  at  half 
past  two  ;  and  I  guess  he'd  be  settin'  there  yet,  if 
there  hadn't  come  along  a  rale  rip-snorter  of  a 
sea,  that  took  us  quarterin'  and  broke  right  over 
the  ship. 

Down  come  Peter,  and  down  come  his  friends 


110    PETERSHAM,  SHAM-PETER,  AND  SALT-PETER. 

the  cabbages  ;  and  away  went  he  and  about  fifty 
on  'em,  with  several  hogsheads  of  salt-water,  down 
the  companion-way — lucky  'twasn't  overboard. 

Well,  well — there  was  some  plaguy  queer  chaps 
on  that  same  ship,  and  some  amazin'  funny 
things  ;  but  I  'm  dry  's  a  powder-horn,  and  Uncle 
Billy's  a  settin'  on  nettles,  a  waitin'  a  chance ; 
so  I  guess  I'd  best  reel  in. 


CHAPTEE  XL 

THE   WBONG  PEW — ME.    BUNCE   PAYS    AN   EAKLY   AND 
UNEXPECTED  YISIT  TO  THE  LADIES*  CABIN. 

"  OH,  Nutmegs !  Now,  you  desateful  var- 
mint," said  Uncle  Billy.  "  You've  talked  yerself 
dry,  and  want  to  relieve  yer  feelins  with  a  cud 
besides;  and  you're  powerful  afeard  I'll  break 
into  yer  Chapter  of  *  Consate?  " 

"  No  no,  sonny,  yer  a  hull  chapter  yerself;  and 
as  long  the  hunder  and  nineteenth  psalm  besides. 
I'll  begin  to  believe — like  the  old  Frenchman  I 
war  a  tellin'  on — that  nutmegs  is  mighty  onsartin. 
No  no,  sonny,  go  on  with  your  chapter." 

"  Well,  if  I  must,"  Bunce  continued — who,  as 
Uncle  Billy  said,  had  relieved  his  feelings — here 
goes. 

"Peter  was  picked  up,  dried  off,  and  put  to 
bed,  and  wasn't  seen  outside  of  his  berth  but 
once — that,  I'm  a  goin'  to  tell  you  of — not  fer  a 
week. 

The  weather  was  gettin'  worse  and  worse,  and 

111 


112  THE  WKONG  PEW. 

the  ship  was  stripped  all  to  a  storm  staysail,  as  big 
may  be  as  a  small  table-cloth.  It's  a  sartin  sign 
of  foul  weather  when  a  ship's  under  bare  poles, 
and  you  may  be  sure  of  it  when  you  see  them 
pesky  little  critters,  Mother  Carey's  chickens,  a 
fly  in'  round  the  starn,  and  when  the  steward 
can't  set  the  table,  and  you  kin  hear  the  crockery 
a  srnashin'  in  the  cubberd  ;  but  when  you  find 
all  the  women  folks  a  leavin'  their  own  diggins, 
and  gittin'  into  the  main  cabin  fer  consolation, 
you  may  know  that  the  very  old  boy 's  to  pay. 

Now,  our  women  folks  was  under  the  captin's 
charge  every  one  on  'em.  They  didn't  know  any 
of  the  men  aboard,  and  stuck  up  their  noses  so 
mighty  high  at  us,  that  I  was  dreadful  afeard 
some  on  'em  would  tumble  over  backards ;  but 
when  the  harricane  come  on,  goodness  sakes ! 
how  they  huddled  in  amongst  us,  and  sot  up  so 
close  ;  and  when  the  ship  creen'd  over,  they'd 
give  leetle  squeaks,  and  catch  hold  of  our  arms, 
and  maybe  round  our  necks,  or  anywhere  handy; 
and  when  the  staysail  went  all  to  bits,  with  a  che- 
barig  !  like  a  cannon,  there  was  a  young  heifer,  and 
not  a  bad  lookin'  one  either,  jumped  right  at  me, 
and  got  her  arms  round  me,  and  hung  on  like  grim 
death,  and  begged  me  to  save  her. 

The  climit  was  a  gittin'  a  leetle  too  warm  for 
me,  and  up  on  deck  I  went ;  and  there  things  was 


ON  OUR  BEAM-ENDS.  113 

improvin'  for  the  worse,  and  putty  fast  too.  After 
the  staysail  was  tore  to  pieces  we  hadn't  a  rag  left 
to  steer  by,  and  the  officers  held  a  council  of  war; 
for  the  mountaneous  waves  was  a  rollin',  and  wind 
a  blowin'  us  onto  the  shore,  and  the  captin  said 
we'd  get  there  too,  in  two  or  three  hours. 

Our  captin  got  most  awful  skeart,  and  I  do  raly 
believe  if  it  hadn't  a  been  for  another  sea  captin 
aboard,  we'd  all  been  in  glory  or  some  other  Chris- 
tian country  afore  mornin'.  He  said  the  ship 
must  carry  sail  whether  she  could  or  not,  and  so 
they  got  on  the  topsails  close  reefed,  and  she  stood 
it  pretty  well. 

About  six  o'clock  I  was  up  above  when  they 
called  all  hands  on  deck  to  wear  ship,  and  I  rather 
guessed  I'd  best  be  down  in  the  cabin;  more  out 
of  the  way  sorter. 

I'd  just  got  my  hand  on  the  side  of  the  com- 
panion hatch,  when  the  ship  give  a  lurch  over  to 
larberd,  and  in  a  minit  up  she  come  agin,  and 
slap  she  goes  t'other  way,  and  on  her  beam  ends, 
afore  you  could  say  Jack  Robinson.  I  hung  on 
with  my  hands  like  all  creation,  and  my  legs  was 
swept  down  the  stairs  by  a  great  swash  of  water. 
Away  went  cabbages  and  deck  load,  and  away 
went  starboard  bulwerks,  but  the  ship  righted  in 
a  minit ;  if  she  hadn't,  she'd  never  a  held  up  her 
head  agin. 
8 


114:  THE  WRONG  PEW. 

When  the  trouble  come,  I  was  a  standin'  jest 
where  I  could  see  the  hull  cabin.  The  steward 
had  put  on  the  vittles  on  the  table  in  tin  pans, 
and  the  folks  was  a  settin'  on  the  settees  aginst 
the  berths,  holdin'  onto  their  cups  and  sassers. 
When  the  ship  lurched  to  port,  she  threw  the 
hull  display  of  vittles  off  the  table  onto  the  folks 
— they  were  all  a  settin'  on  the  port  side,  on  a 
double  row  of  settees — and  when  she  come  back 
in  such  a  plaguy  hurry,  away  went  the  hull  bilin', 
men,  wimmen,  vittles,  cups,  sassers  and  settees, 
slam-bang  under  the  table,  jest  as  slick  as  grease  ; 
and  the  ship  righten  agin,  the  table,  which  was  a 
swingin'  one,  swung  back  and  shot  right  down 
on  'em. 

I  never  see  such  a  sight  in  all  iny  born  days, 
and  if  the  ship  had  sunk  then,  I'd  have  gone  down 
a  laughin',  and  mouth  wide  open.  Peter  was  in 
his  berth,  with  nothin'  on  but  his  shirt.  He  was 
landed  right  a  top  of  the  table ;  one  chap  was  lyin* 
pesky  sick  near  the  companion  hatch,  and  he  shot 
over  across  like  a  sky-racket,  and  plumped  into  a 
berth,  right  a  top  of  a  fat  old  man,  that  had  gin 
in  long  ago. 

And  under  the  table — such  a  sight — such  a  dis- 
play of  legs,  dishes,  stockins,  garters,  and  boots, 
and  all  a  soakin'  in  salt  water ;  I  swan  to  man  ef  it 


TETER  SERVED  UP.  115 

>- 

didn't  take  the  rag  off  of  any  picter  in  creation  I 
ever  see. 

Down  the  steps  I  run,  and  commenced  pullin' 
away  at  the  legs  ;  and,  with  the  steward's  help, 
we  got  'em  out — clothes  half  stripped  off,  wet  all 
over,  and  in  a  most  dreadful  pickle  ginrally. 
Now,  you'd  cal'late  the  wimmin  would  turn  red, 
and  feel  amazin'  streaked,  wouldn't  you  ?  Not  a 
bit  of  it ;  they  was  so  plaguy  skeared  that  they 
didn't  keer  for  nuthin'  else ;  and  I  rally  guess 
they'd  a  staid  all  night  there  if  the  captin  hadn't 
sent  in  the  stewardess,  and  made  'em  march  into 
their  own  cabin,  strip  off  their  wet  rags,  and  go 
to  bed ;  and  all  night  long,  every  time  the  ship 
give  a  histe,  one  or  more  on  'em  would  come  a 
runnin'  in  our  cabin,  a  screamin'  and  a  yellin',  to 
know  what's  the  matter  ;  and  they  hadn't  stopped 
for  any  extra  do  thin'  either. 

Now,  there  was  poor  Peter  on  the  table,  with 
nothin'  on  but  his  shirt — and  that  too  of  a  plaguy 
scant  pattern — sick  as  death,  and  stunned  and  sore 
with  the  awful  tumble  he'd  jest  got,  to  say  nothin' 
of  that  when  he  was  onshipped  from  the  cabbages 
— he  rubbed  his  eyes  a  minnit,  to  find  out  where  he 
was,  and  the  poor  forlorn  critter  scrabbled  for  the 
table-cloth,  that  hadn't  gone  with  the  dishes,  and 
drawed  it  all  over  him,  head  and  all ;  and  there 
he  lay,  a  groanin'  and  a  beggin'  for  help ;  but 


116  THE  WRONG  PEW. 

when  we  picked  him  up,  he  hung  on  to  his  table- 
cloth like  all-possessed. 

This  sot  me  to  thinkin',  that  the  dear  little  crit- 
ters don't  have  all  the  modesty  there  is  a  goin', 
although  they'd  like  to  make  us  men  folks  believe 
so  ;  and  it  sorter  minded  me  of  bein3  made  a  most 
a  grand  fool  of,  and  gettin'  into  a  most  shockin' 
nasty  scrape  when  I  was  a  boy. 

When  I  was  may  be  fourteen  year  old,  suthin' 
took  Father  down  to  York,  and  I'd  heard  so  many 
despert  stories  about  the  place,  that  I  sot  in  strong 
as  pison  to  go  long;  and  mother  she  took  my  part, 
and  said  it  would  be  a  most  dreadful  pity  not  to 
give  me  a  chance  to  see  suthin'  of  the  world,  spe- 
cially as  they  was  a  goin'  to  give  me  a  liberal  edi- 
cation,  and  make  a  larned  man  of  me — that  was 
mother's  notion,  although  father  went  agin  it, 
tooth  and  toe-nail.  But  she  always  would  have  it 
that  I  was  a  master  hand  for  larnin' — a  rale,  first- 
rate  nat'ral  genius,  and  would  be  an  honor  to  the 
family,  and  no  mistake.  Well,  as  I  was  sayin', 
mother  sot  in  so  strong  that  father  had  to  give  in. 

Well,  we  went  in  a  steamboat,  not  one  of  them 
bustin'  great  double-deckers,  with  cabins  and  state- 
rooms all  over,  that  they  have  now-a-days,  but  a 
plaguy  little  narrer-contracted  critter — though  I 
guess  she  looked  as  big  to  me  as  all  out  a  doors — 
cabins  all  down  below,  and  divided  in  two  parts. 


STEWARD  IN  DEMAND.  117 

I  was  drest  up  to  kill ;  long  napped  fur  hat ; 
new  cow-hide  boots,  greased  and  blackballed  'till 
they  looked  like  a  nigger's  face  in  cotton  scrapin' 
time  ;  coat  and  breeches  of  store  cloth,  and  shi- 
nin'  like  a  glass-bottle. 

When  bed-time  come,  I  turned  in  all  standing 
except  coat  and  boots,  and  them  I  put  under  my 
pillow. 

In  the  mornin'  my  new  clothes  looked  jest's  if 
I'd  been  to  work  in  a  cotton  factory ;  and  father, 
he  started  me  right  off  to  find  the  steward,  and  get 
'era  brushed  ;  for  he  said  he  wouldn't  go  about 
the  streets  in  York  with  no  such  a  linty  lookin' 
critter  as  me. 

I  hadn't  any  sort  of  an  idee  what  kind  of  a 
lookin'  thing  a  steward  was ;  so  up  on  deck  I 
went,  and  looked  to  see  if  I  could  see  anything 
that  seemed  like  it ;  but  I  examined  the  boat  from 
stem  to  stern,  and  had  to  give  in.  Down  I 
went  to  father,  and  told  him  I  couldn't  find  any 
steward. 

"  Where  have  you  looked  ?"  says  he. 

"  Everywhere,'1  says  I ;  "  I've  been  up  where 
the  man's  a  steerin',  and  all  about  the  bilers,  and 
looked  in  the  boat  that 's  a  hangin'  down  behind ; 
but  I  can't  see  anythin'." 

"  You  etarnal  created  goose,"  says  father,  mad 
as  darnation,  "  where  did  you  expect  to  find  him? 


118  THE  WRONG  PEW. 

Ask  every  one  you  see  where  the  steward's  room 
is,  and  when  you  find  it,  go  in  and  get  your 
clothes  cleaned;  and  see  here,  Jed,  if  ye  come 
back  with  a  pesky  long  face,  and  a  dirty  look, 
I'll  give  you  a  rale,  fust  rate,  A  number  one 
quiltin',  to  begin  yer  visit  with.  I  can't  see  what 
the  goodness  gracious  got  into  the  old  woman's 
head  to  saddle  me  with  such  a  pesky  greenhorn, 
to  lose  in  York,  like's  not." 

Off  I  set,  and  the  first  man  I  see  was  a  real 
scrumptious  dressed,  good-natur'd  lookin'  critter, 
with  snappin'  black  eyes.  So  I  made  my  man- 
ners, and  says  I, 

"  Please  sir,  can  ye  show  me  whareabouts  they 
keep  the  steward  ?" 

"  Oh,  sartinly,  with  pleasure,"  says  he.  "  What 
a  graceful  bow  you  do  make.  May  I  inquire,  if  this 
is  your  first  voyage,  sir?" 

"  Never  away  from  hum  afore,  sir ;  and  I  wish 
to  gracious  I  was  there  now,"  says  I. 

"  Well,  come  along,  anyhow,"  says  he,  "  and 
I'll  show  you  the  steward's  room;  but  you  mus'n't 
be  frightened  at  anything  you  see." 

"  Catch  me  at  that,"  says  I.  "  All  I'm  afear'd 
of  is,  takin'  a  quiltin'  if  I  don't  find  the  stew- 
ard." 

"  Well,  sir,"  says  he — layin'  his  hand  on  a  door- 
knob— "  here's  the  steward's  room ;  and  mind  you 


BUSTCE  PUTS  HIS  FOOT  IN  IT.  119 

insist  on  seein'  him,  if  you  don't  stick  to  it  they 
won't  trot  him  out." 

"  Let  me  alone  for  that,"  says  I ;  and  I'd  hardly 
said  it,  afore  he  opens  the  door  and  shoves  me  in  ; 
and  the  merciful  gracious !  I  swan  to  man,  I 
never  see  such  a  sight  afore  ner  sence;  and  I 
never  was  so  skeart  in  my  life. 

It  was  where  the  wimin'  folks  stopt,  and  there 
was  more'n  fifty  on  'em.  Some  getten'  down  out 
of  the  top  berth  ;  some  puttin'  on  their  stockin's ; 
borne  a  cordin'  themselves  up ;  some  with  a  few 
clothes  on,  and  some  with  none  at  all. 

By  Jemimy,  didn't  they  squeel  ?  If  I'd  a  been 
a  wild  varmint,  lookin'  for  my  breakfast,  and  all 
ready  to  gobble  'em  down,  they  couldn't  have 
made  more  noise. 

Some  crawled  back  into  the  berths  ;  some  stop- 
ped a  drawin'  on  their  stockin's,  and  some  yelled 
out  "get  out!" 

"  I  can't  get  out,"  I  holler'd — and  I  bohoed 
right  out — "  some  feller's  a  holdin'  the  door,  and 
won't  let  me." 

"  What  do  you  want?  "Who  sent  you  here? 
What  are  you  after  ?"  they  holler'd. 

"  I'm  after  the  steward,  and  I  want  to  get  my 
clothes  dusted,"  1  cried. 

"  Jest  then,  a  great  greasy  old  she  nigger, 
dressed  up  to  kill,  come  a  tarin'  in  another  door, 


120  THE  WRONG  PEW. 

and  catchin'  me  by  the  collar — "I'll  dust  your 
clothes  for  you,"  says  she.  "  I'll  larn  you  where 
the  steward's  room  is."  And  with  that  she  open'd 
the  door,  and  give  me  a  kick  on  the  starn-post, 
that  sent  me  a  tumblin'  and  a  howlin'  half  the 
length  of  the  cabin. 

I  was  dreadful  small  of  my  age,  and  I  guess 
wasn't  quite  dangerous  enough  to  make  such  a 
rumpus  about. 

I  wish  the  old  Judge — when  he  and  Cousin 
Sam  lay  their  heads  together  agin — instead  of  hu- 
man natur,  would  jest  give  us  a  book  about  female 
natur,  all  alone.  Sam  knows  suthin'  about  it,  I 
guess. 

I've  got  an  idee,  and  it's  this.  There  ain't  but 
jest  so  much  modesty  in  the  world  ;  the  men  folks 
has  got  most  on  it,  and  the  women  folks  plaguy 
leetle,  and  that  ain't  divided  fair;  some's  got 
more'n  their  sheer,  and  a  nation  sight's  got  none 
at  all.  Now,  the  men's  ashamed  of  havin'  too 
much,  and  the  women  of  havin'  too  leetle  ;  so  the 
men  puts  it  off  and  the  women  puts  it  on ;  only 
they  lay  it  on  so  pesky  thick  that  any  one  with 
half  an  eye  kin  see  ?t  aint  the  rale  genuine  article, 
pure  as  imported. 

forward  with  anxiety  for  its  accomplishment  at  an 
by  our  two  worthies  will  not  so  overpower  him 
that  he  will  abandon  his  project,  as  we  shall  look 


CHAPTER  XIL 

STOCKINGS  A1TDGARTEKS. — WIGS  AND  BAKE  POLLS. 

"  Now,"  continued  Bunce,  "  its  a  fact,  and  one 
of  the  darndest  funny  facts,  too,  I  ever  see,  that 
three  of  the  biggest  kind  of  sparkin'  matches 
growed  out  of  this  ere  capsize.  Afore  the  storm, 
there's  no  tellin'  how  dreadful  high  the  wimmin 
folks  did  carry  their  heads,  but  the  storm  brought 
'em  down  to  their  bearin's  pretty  spry. 

I  tell  ye  what 't  is,  men,  sea-sickness  and  fear 
brings  us  all  down  to  a  level,  pretty  nigh  the  same 
as  if  the  bony  old  skilleten,  that  used  to  be  in  the 
front  part  of  our  old  catechise,  with  a  dreadful 
long  scythe  in  his  hand,  and  these  lines  under  his 
feet — 

"  Death  cuts  down  all, 
Both  great  and  small," 

had  got  his  grip  fastened  onto  their  coat-tails  and 
petticoats. 

Maybe  they  got  to  likin'  one  another  better,  for 

scrapin'  acquaintance  under  the  table,  may-be  the 

121 


122  STOCKINGS   AND  GARTEES. 

wimmin  cal'lated  it  wouldn't  pay  to  show  their 
ankles,  knees,  and  sech  like  nateral  gifts,  free 
gratis  for  nothin' !  And  then,  agin,  may-be  it 
was  the  stocking  and  garters,  and  the  et  ceteries, 
sot  the  men  agoin'.  How  it  was,  I  can't  say  for 
sartin,  but  it's  an  undeniable  fact,  that  six  on  'em 
was  took  with  the  disease  all  of  a  suddent ;  sot  in 
for  the  hardest  kind  of  sparkin',  and  kep  it  up, 
too ;  and  one  of  the  cases  came  to  a  fatal  eend  ; 
and  it  wouldn't  surprise  me  the  least  mite,  if  all 
the  rest  did,  too. 

There  was  an  old,  long-legged  down-easter 
aboard,  that  kep'  store  down  to  Selmy,  in  Ala- 
bamy,  with  a  reg'lar  hatchet  face,  and  putty 
much  the  same  kind  of  a  complexion  as  a  dried 
codfish.  He  must  a  been  hard  onto  sixty  year 
old,  as  nigh  as  we  could  make  out,  but  jumped 
about  as  spry  as  a  kitten,  and  wanted  to  pass  him- 
self off  among  the  boys,  as  one  of  'em.  The  old 
critter's  hair  looked  so  dreadful  slick  and  shiny, 
that  putty  much  all  on  us  came  to  the  conclusion 
that  he  didn't  wear  his  own — not  onless  he'd 
paid  for  it.  Well,  we  didn't  let  on,  and  he  figu- 
red about,  without  havin'  any  carlicues  cut  up 
with  him,  'till  after  our  capsize ;  but  when  he  got 
to  steppin'  up  to  a  most  amazin'  scrumptious  kind 
of  a  gal,  e'en  about  the  pick  of  the  lot — they'd 
been  neighbors  under  the  table,  and  may-be  that 


MAJOR  ROGERS.  123 

was  her  excuse — I  tell  you,  if  we  didn't  open  on 
him  ;  and  old  Pond — that  was  his  name — catched 
it  pretty  much  all  over. 

We  detarmined  to  catch  the  feller  with  his  wig 
off,  and  took  turns  settin'  up,  so's  to  see  him  when 
he  took  it  off;  but  't  wouldn't  do:  for  the  first 
night  we  tried  it,  he  set  up  tell  mornin' ;  and  the 
next,  the  consarned  critter  went  to  bed  with  his 
hair  on  ;  and  when  one  of  us  made  a  mistake  on  a 
purpose,  and  drawed  his  curtins,  there  was  old 
Pond,  a  snorin'  haleluya,  with  his  head  tied  up  in 
a  old  red  silk  handkercher,  big  enough  for  a  gal- 
lant-sail. 

We  had  another  old  chap  on  board,  Majer  Ro- 
gers ;  and  though  he  wasn't  a  Georgy  Majer,  he 
was  jolly  enough  for  one,  and  e'en-a-most  up  to 
anything  a  goin'.  He  'd  been  a  watchin'  us,  with- 
out lettin'  on,  for  some  time  ;  and  one  night,  when 
we  boys  had  got  together,  out  in  the  ship's  bows, 
long  he  comes,  and  says  he — 

"  Boys,  ye  think  ye're  plaguy  sly ;  but  I  know 
what  ye're  at ;  ye're  conspirin'  agin  old  Squire 
Pond's  gray  hairs  ;  Now,  ain't  ye  kinder  ashamed 
of  yerselves  ?" 

"  Why,  Majer/7  says  I,  "  't  ain't  his  grey  hairs 
we're  a  conspirin'  agin,  by  'a  jug-full ;  it's  his 
black  ones,  or  somebody  else's ;  for  he  never 
raised  that  crop,  and  Pll  be  qualified  to  that  on  a 


124:  STOCKINGS  AND  GARTERS. 

stack  of  bibles,  as  big  as  a  meetin1  house.  If  he's 
got  grey  hairs,  let  him  show  'em,  and  not  be 
a  sailin'  under  false  cullers,  and  a  deceivin'  that 
A  No.  1  little  clipper." 

"  Who  do  ye  mean?"  asked  the  Majer. 

"  Why,  that  most  amazin'  likely  young  heifer, 
that  he's  been  a  settin'  up  to  ever  sence  the  table- 
scrape,"  says  I. 

"  Do  ye  mean  Miss  James  ?"  says  he. 

"I  cal'late  I  do,"  says  I. 

"  Oh  sho !  says  he,  "  I  guess  't  ain't  nothin'  but 
a  kinder  fatherly  feelin'.  Why,  he's  got  forty 
year  the  advantage  of  her,  to  say  the  least  on  't." 

"  Fatherly  feelin'  be  darned  !"  says  I.  "  Why, 
Majer,  I  see  the  old  goat  a  huggin'  and  a  kissin' 
her  on  the  companion  way,  when  he  thought  no 
one  wasn't  a  lookin'  at  him." 

"Then,  boys,"  says  the  Majer,  "I'm  with  ye; 
and  I  kinder  guess  we'll  make  him  show  his  grey 
hairs,  or  where  they  oughter  be,  afore  we  show 
the  respect  that  oughter  be  paid  7em." 

"Give  us  yer  hand,  Majer,"  says  I;  "ye'rea 
trump,  and  allers  was ;  but 't  ain't  no  use,  least- 
ways not  by  fair  means;  and  I  cal'late  it  wouldn't 
hardly  pay  to  go  at  him  by  foul  ones ;  and  so,  if 
we  can't  get  that  consarned  wig  off  his  sculp  with- 
out his  'spectin'  what  it  was  did  for,  why  I  guess 


"  AT  STAKE" — A  WARM  GAME.  125 

we'd  a  consid'able  best  wait;  and  may-be  it'll 
come  off  itself  one  of  these  fine  days." 

"  Let  me  alone,  and  obey  orders,"  says  the  Ma- 
jer,  "  and  if  I  don't  show  ye  his  bare  sculp  afore 
mornin'  then  I  ain't  a  namesake  of  that  unfortnet 
critter  that  got  himself  made  a  martyr  on,  and 
was  cooked  alive,  leavin'  thirteen  children,  and 
one  at  the  breast ;  and  whose  picter  can  be  found 
in  the  New  England  Primmer,  if  ye'll  take  the 
trouble  to  look  for't — with  a  strikin'  likeness  of 
the  very  sticks  of  wood  that  they  roasted  him 
with." 

"  But  when,  and  how  will  you  do  it  ?"  says  I. 

"  As  to  when  I'll  do  it,  that  depends  pretty 
much  on  what  time  the  second-mate's  watch 
ends  to-night.  As  to  how  it'll  be  done,  I  guess  that 
won't  consarn  you  much,  as  long  as  it's  done  up 
brown.  You  jest  hold  on  a  minnit,  and  let  me 
have  a  leetle  talk  with  the  mate,  and  then  I'll  tell 
ye  more." 

"  Well,  the  Majer  went  off  to  where  Scott,  the 
second-mate  was  a  standin',  and  there  was  putty 
consid'able  whisperin'  agoin  on  betwixt  'em  for  a 
few  minits ;  and  at  last,  we  saw  Scott  bust  out 
a'laffin  ;  and  then  the  Majer  comes  back,  and  says 
he— 

"  Boys>  Scott's  watch  is  out  at  midnight,  and  I 
invite  ye  all  to  be  at  the  companion-hatch  at  that 


126  STOCKINGS  AND  GABTERS. 

hour ;  and  be  plaguy  certin  to  keep  dark  about  it, 
and  not  go  to  blabbin'  out  about  the  ship.  And 
mind  you,  be  jest  as  quiet  as  lambs  when  the  time 
comes." 

Well,  we  promised,  and  what's  more,  we  kept 
our  promises  ;  and  may-be,  when  midnight  come, 
we  wasn't  at  the  companion-hatch. 

The  cabin  was  all  still  3s  a  quaker  meetin'  when 
the  speret  don't  move,  all  exceptin'  the  music  of 
the  reg'lar  band — and  they  was  in  full  blast, 
playin'  old  hundred,  sawin'  wood  and  snortin'  like 
troopers'  horses,  and  old  Pond's  nose  a  leadin'  the 
orkestry. 

Scott  walks  down,  opens  the  curtins  of  his 
berth,  and  givin'  him  a  shake  to  wake  him  up, 
says  in  a  kinder  rough  whisper — 

"  Hurray,  matey !  for  the  massy  sake  turn  out 
quick,  and  get  on  deck — we're  goin'  down  in  five 
minits  1" 

Old  Pond  open'd  his  eyes,  see  the  mate  over 
him,  with  the  big  lantern  a  flashin'  in  his  face, 
and  catched  enough  of  his  words  to  skear  him  into 
chicken  fits. 

Out  he  tumbled,  a  yellin'  "  The  ship's  a  sinkin' ! 
the  ship's  a  sinkin' !"  made  three  jumps  to  the 
companion-way,  and  up  stairs  he  bust,  as  if  the 
old  sarpint  was  arter  him  and  spurrin'  him  on 
with  his  forked  tail ;  but,  spry  as  he  pulled  foot, 


LIGHT  RIGGING.  127 

the  Major  was  right  behind ;  and  just  as  Pond 
touched  the  deck,  the  Major  made  a  grab  at 
Pond's  head-riggin',  and  away  went  the  Major 
and  Pond's  bandanna  down  stairs,  kolumpus,  inter 
the  cabin  ;  and  there  stood  Pond  in  his  shirt  tail, 
and  the  wind  a  floppin'  'that  about  putty  consid'- 
able,  the  moon  shinin'  bright  on  his  bare  sculp, 
and  he  a  yellin'  "  Help !  Help !  Save  me. 
Where's  the  boat?  Take  me  in.  Don't  leave 
me,  for  massy's  sake !" 

Up  come  captin  and  mates,  and  men  and 
women,  a  rollin'  up  the  companion-way,  without 
a  rag  too  much  on  any  one  on  7em ;  some  yellin' 
and  shriekin',  and  some  a  cussin' ;  and  I  cal'late, 
for  a  minit  or  two  there  was  as  pretty  a  muss  as 
ever  you'd  wish  to  see. 

"  "What's  this  all  about,  and  what's  the  mat- 
ter ?"  roared  out  the  captin. 

"  Oh  we're  a  sinkin',  and  we'll  all  be  drown'd," 
says  Pond.  "  Where's  the  boats  ?  Oh  !  Captin, 
save  my  life,  and  I'll  give  you  a  thousand  dollars, 
in  store  pay." 

"  Why,  you  darn'd  fool,"  yelled  out  the  captin, 
"  are  ye  drunk  or  crazy  ?  Can't  ye  see  there's 
nothin'  under  the  sun  the  matter  ?  Go  down  be- 
low, sir,  mighty  spry,  or  I'll  have  ye  tied  neck  and 
heels,  and  stowed  where  I  guess  ye'll  be  quiet  till 


128  STOCKIN'S  AND  GAKTERS. 

"  Some  one  woke  me  up,  sir,  and  told  me  the 
ship  was  sinkm',"  says  Pond,  a  shiverin'  and  a 
shakin'. 

•'  No  such  thing,  sir,"  says  Scott.  "  My  watch 
was  putty  nigh  up,  and  I  went  down  to  call  the 
first  mate ;  and  I  went  to  the  wrong  berth ;  that's 
all,  sir." 

"  Didn't  ye  tell  me  the  ship  would  sink  in  five 
minits  ?"  asked  Pond. 

"  'No  sir"  answered  Scott.  "  I  told  you  we  was 
a  goin'  down  in  five  minutes — and  so  we  be — 
cause  our  watch 's  up,  d'  ye  see." 

"  What  an  immortal  jackass  you  must  be,  Mis- 
ter Pond,"  says  the  captin,  "  to  make  all  this  row 
about  nothin'  at  all ;  it's  my  guess  that  you  won't 
hear  the  eend  of  this  for  a  while.'* 

By  this  time  Pond  come  a  leetle  to  his  right 
senses  ;  and  feelin'  pesky  cold  about  the  head,  he 
claps  his  hand  up  to  his  sculp — if  every  hair  on  it 
was  turned  to  a  spear  of  mint,  there  wouldn't  a 
been  enough  for  a  julip — and  when  he  see  what  a 
perdickemint  he  was  in,  darn  my  picter  if  the  crit- 
ter didn't  grab  hold  of  the  hind  part  of  his  shirt, 
draw  it  over  his  bare  head,  and  bust  through  the 
crowd  and  inter  the  cabin,  afore  I  could  have 
swaller'd  this  glass  of  whiskey."  And  Bunco 
poured  out  and  drank  down  a  pretty  stiff  glass,  by 
way,  I  imagined,  of  illustrating  his  text. 


A  "  FINE"  BUSINESS.  129 

"Well,  Sam,"  demanded  Milward,  "what  effect 
did  this  exposition  have  upon  his  lady-love,  and 
on  the  other  ladies  ?" 

"  None  at  all,  squire,"  replied  the  pedler ; 
"they  was  all  so  most  amazin'  skeart,  that  they 
didn't  know  whether  his  sculp  was  bare  or 
whether  it  had  a  ton  weight  of  hair." 

"  But  the  other  passengers  must  have  noticed 
it,"  inquired  I. 

"  Nary  one,"  he  answered,  "  but  what  was  in 
the  play;  and  so  we  let  the  thing  work,  and  didnt 
meddle  for  a  while  ;  but  I  tell  you,  he  had  a  putty 
warm  time  of  it  with  the  captin  and  some  of 
'em,  about  the  skear  he  gin  'em  all ;  and  what 
he  minded  wus  ner  all,  they  tried  him  next  day, 
for  creatin'  disturbance  and  alarm  'board  ship, 
and  fined  him  champaign  for  the  hull  crowd,  and 
he  had  to  stand  it." 

"  But  the  wig/*  asked  I,  "  was  that  the  end  of  it, 
and  didn't  the  girl  find  out  that  he  wore  one,  after 
all?" 

"  May-be  she  did'nt,"  said  he.     "  I  cal'late  we 
hadn't  done  with  him  yet  by  a  plaguy  sight." 
9 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

BUSTLES  AND  BREAST- WOKKS — A  BOW   ON  BOARD  SHIP. 

"  I  SAID" — continued  Bunce — "  that  none  of  the 
passengers  but  us  boys  see  old  Pond's  bare  sculp ; 
but  I  kinder  guess  I  was  a  leetle  wide  of  the 
mark. 

There  wasn't  none  of  the  cabin  folks  noticed  it, 
but  a  steerage  feller  did,  and  a  consideble  cute 
chap  he  was,  too. 

The  next  morning  the  captin  give  out  that  he'd 
land  the  hull  bilin'  of  us  in  Charleston  afore 
night ;  and  the  mighty !  what  a  brushin'  up  ther^ 
was  a  goin'  on,  from  stem  to  stern  of  the  old  ship. 
Razors  come  out,  and  so  did  shirt  collars.  Clean 
shirts  wan't  a  curiosity  no  longer,  and  we  ketched 
one  feller  a  blacknin'  his  boots.  The  wimmin 
folks  come  out  pesky  strong — the  young  heifers  in 
pertickler.  They  had  streamers  before  and  be- 
hind, and  all  sorts  of  fixins  and  riggins,  though 
they'd  kept  themselves  putty  scrumptious,  and 
there  wa'nt  half  the  difference  in  their  looks  that 
there  was  in  the  old  wimmen's. 

But  the  nation  !  jest  to  see  the  old  critters.     If 
130 


NEW  DEVELOPMENTS.  131 

you  ever  see  an  old  cow  fed  on  bog  hay  and 
milked  all  winter,  go  farrer  about  June,  and  be 
turned  out  to  grass,  in  a  rale,  fust  rate,  bunkum 
white  clover  paster — goin'  to  grass,  nothin'  but 
a  bag  of  skin  and  bones,  with  the  hair  all  rubbed 
off,  and  lookin'  jest  's  if  she  was  goin'  to  grass  in 
rale  good  arnest — and  comin'  out,  arter  a  month 
or  so,  another  guess  sorter  critter,  with  a  new 
coat — maybe  I  oughter  say  petticoat,  seein's  it's  a 
she  I'm  talkin'  on — shinin'  all  over  like  a  glass 
bottle,  and  jest  as  fat  as  butter ;  then,  maybe,  you 
could  get  an  idee  of  the  difference  there  was  in 
the  wimmen  folks  in  their  sea-sick  riggin' — their 
dis-ables,  as  they  call'd  'em — and  when  they  were 
all  spunked  up  in  their  shore  things. 

Fust  of  all,  they'd  raised  a  most  amazin'  crop  of 
curls  in  the  night — I'd  like  to  know  what  kinder 
top-dressin'  they  put  on ;  I'd  make  a  fortin  out 
on't  a  leetle  the  quickest;  get  Barnum  to  go 
halves,  and  shell  out  the  pewter  for  advertisin' ; 
call  it  "  Sam  Slick's  universal,  instantaneous  hair 
restorer  for  the  fair  seek."  Then  they'd  got  the 
biggest  kind  of  cotton  breast-works  on,  like  old 
Ginral  Jackson  to  Orleens ;  and  besides,  they  had 
some  how  'nother  raised  at  the  shortest  kind  of 
notice  what  the  doctor  here'd  call  most  astonishin' 
fundamental  developments,  and  stuck  out  in  that 
direction  fully  equal  to  a  Hottentot  beauty,  who 


132  BUSTLES   AND  BREAST-WOKK8. 

can  carry  a  pail  of  water  on  her  hump,  and  run  up 
hill  without  spillin'  a  drop. 

Well,  I  looked  at  'em  all  over,  and  they  put 
me  in  mind  of  the  starved-to-death  calves,  that 
butchers  blow  up  with  a  quill.  I  didn't  think 
they'd  taller  any  better,  for  all  they  looked  in  such 
a  most  ainazin'  fine  condition. 

There  now,  I've  been  a  runnin'  on  about  the 
women  folks,  and  forgettin'  all  about  old  Pond 
and  his  wig ;  but  it's  a  nateral  failin'  in  all  the 
Sli  ck  family — and  the  Bunces  ain't  a  bit  better — 
when  we  get  'longside  a  petticoat  we're  putty  cer- 
tin  to  stick. 

The  steerage  folks — there  warn't  but  few,  and 
they'd  been  awful  civil  and  quiet — had  got  slick'd 
up  too,  and  amongst  'em  was  a  little  old  Frencher, 
that  I  don't  raaly  think  had  spoke  three  words  the 
hull  vyage  ;  but  when  I  come  on  deck,  there  was 
the  old  chap  a  standin'  by  the  foremast,  rigged 
out  in  a  bran  new  suit,  and  a  smokin'  away  at  a 
segar,  most  as  big  as  he  was. 

I  wanted  a  light,  and  so  jest  walked  forrard 
and  asked  for  one,  and  it's  monstrous  curus  to 
think  how  any  created  critter  could  put  so  much 
manners  into  the  leetle  room  there  is  for't,  in 
takin'  a  segar  out  a  man's  mouth  and  handin'  it 
to  another  chap. 

Well,  I  ain't  to  be  beat  easy,  when  perliteness 


A  NEW  FEIEND.  133 

is  a  goin'  on,  and  so  when  he  scraped,  I  scraped. 
When  he  made  his  manners,  I  made  mine ;  and 
when  his  hat  come  off,  mine  vamosed  the  ranch 
about  the  quickest. 

I  see  by  the  snapping  of  his  eyes  that  he  was 
full  of  talk.  It  had  been  bottled  up  all  the  vyage, 
and  was  e'enamost  ready  to  bust  the  bottle,  or 
blow  the  cork  out — and  so  I  thought  I'd  jest  tap 
the  critter,  and  see  what  I  could  draw  out. 

"Well,  I  tried  it,  and  it  did  come,  I  tell  ye,  fully 
equal  to  a  spirt  of  molasses  out  of  a  hogsit,  when 
it's  been  shuk  up  on  a  York  cart,  and  laid  in  the 
sun  the  hull  of  a  July  day. 

In  five  minits  we  was  the  best  friends  in  tho 
world. 

You  never  kin  tell  anything  about  a  Trencher 
by  his  looks.  Some  on  'em's  dressed  to  kill,  with- 
out the  valley  of  a  Bungtown  copper  in  their 
breeches  pockets,  and  some  on  'em  goes  around 
lookin'  so  seedy  that  you  wonder  their  friends 
don't  think  harvest  time's  come,  and  it's  high  time 
to  cut  'em — and  the  chance  is,  they're  wallerin'  in 
the  dimes  jest  like  a  pig  in  a  clover-patch. 

My  new  friend  give  me  his  hull  history,  inclu- 
din'  that  of  his  lady — a  pertickler  account  of  all 
his  children — a  statement  of  his  present  bizness, 
and  futur'  prospecks  in  trade — all  done  up  in  a 


134  BUSTLES   AND   BREAST-WORKS. 

sort  of  half  nateralized  lingo,  and  in  less  than  ten 
minits. 

He  was  one  of  them  short  breed  critters  that 
come  down  from  the  French  backwoods,  that 
allers  go  to  Payris  to  be  made  chimbley-sweep- 
ers  on." 

"  A  Savoyard,  probably,"  interrupted  the 
Doctor. 

"  Ya-a-as,"  drawled  out  Bunce,  "  that's  jest  the 
ticket.  "Well,  he  and  his  lady  had  scraped  some 
pewter  together,  come  over  to  Char-less-tone,  as 
he  called  it ;  set  up  a  'boo-teek — which  I  guess  is 
nigh  of  the  same  litter  as  what  the  Yankees  call 
a  shop  ;  traded  consideble  ;  made  the  dimes,  and 
saved  'em ;  bimeby  got  fur  enuf  ahead  to  go  to 
Pay-ris  for  his  traps — allers  goin'  and  comin'  in 
the  steerage,  and  making  his  own  quezene,  (and 
that  means,  I  guess,  when  it's  biled  down  into 
American,  that  he  done  up  his  own  chores  and 
cooked  his  own  vittles,)  and  so  working  his  ingine 
slow  and  keerful,  and  never  lettin7  the  water  get 
low,  ner  the  steam  high ;  nevei  busten  up  ner  col- 
lapsin'  a  flue,  nor  lettin'  the  machinery  rust,  nor 
runnin'  aground,  he'd  plaguy  near  finished  his 
vyage  to  the  city  of  Independence ;  and  when  he 
arrived,  cal'lated  to  sell  off  lock,  stock  and  barrel, 
and  lay  up  for  life. 

Arter  he'd  spun  all  this  yarn,  he  give  me  a 


THE   LITTLE  FRENCHMAN.  135 

kind  of  knowin'  look  outer  the  corner  of  his  bright 
eyes,  and  ses  he — 

"  Monsheer,  I  vas  on  dake  lass  night." 

"  The  nation  you  was,"  ses  I,  "  and  what  did 
you  see,  monsheer  ?" 

"  Avery  sing.  I  see  ze  ole  gentilhome  viz  a 
veeg,  vizout  any  veeg — aha  !  You  movay  sujay. 
You  kaatch  heem,  aha !"  ses  he. 

"You  did,  did  you?"  ses  I.  Then  you  see 
more'n  the  wimmen  did,  and  that's  putty  nigh  all 
we  sot  the  trap  fer." 

"  Nevair  mind,  mounsheer,  nevair  mind,"  ses 
he;  "  we  all  be  in  Char  less-tone  one  of  zese  fine 
day.  You  will  go  avry  one  to  ze  Plantare's  Ho- 
tale,  and  zen  you  will  antrapey  heem,  I  know. 
Great  place  Char-less-tone ;  plenty  fun  zere,  plenty 
boys  for  help.  You  mos  come  see  me  ze  nex  day 
you  shall  arrive,  aha !" 

"  Well,  I  promised  I  would,  and  then  some  of 
the  boys  come  up,  and  I  give  'em  a  sorter  intro- 
duce. They  took  to  the  old  man  mightily,  and  all 
agreed  to  give  him  a  call,  if  we  ever  got  a  chance 
to  set  foot  in  town,  which  didn't  look  half  so 
likely  I  guess,  as  it  had  at  day-break. 

In  the  first  place,  the  wind  got  tired  of  doing 
bisnis  in  the  same  line,  and  shut  up  shop.  Bimeby 
it  open'd  agin,  and  begun  drivin'  a  dredful  stiif 
trade  in  another  quarter,  then  the  captin  had  all 


136  BUSTLES   AND   BEE  AST- WORKS. 

the  light  sails  in,  and  tried  to  stand  off  and  on, 
under  jib  and  topsels,  and  not  loose  more  ground 
than  we  could  help ;  then  it  come  on  to  blow  so 
amazin'  sharp,  that  we  had  to  scud  under  close- 
reefed  fore-topsel  and  jib  ;  then  the  wimmin  folks 
followed  suit ;  scud  inter  their  own  quarters,  took 
in  their  light  sails,  and  got  foul-weather  riggin' 
on.  Then  the  men  folks  did  the  same,  and  finally 
all  hands  give  up  Charleston,  and  everyone  board 
ship  looked  blue  as  blazes — all  but  the  cook,  who, 
seein's  turnin'  blue  wasn't  in  his  line,  no  how, 
looked  blacker  than  a  thunder-squall  off  Hat- 
teras. 

A  pesky  dirty- weather,  mean  day  we  had  of  it, 
and  long  towards  night  some  on  us  had  just  got 
quietly  settled  down  to  a  little  game  of  curds, 
when  down  come  the  captin  a  blazin'. 

"  Now  jest  look  here,"  says  he,  "  I  ain't  a  goin' 
to  stand  this  no  longer,  nor  the  men  neither.  You 
plaid  curds  tell  you  plaid  us  inter  a  hurricane,  and 
the  minit  that  held  up,  at  it  you  went  agin,  and 
played  us  inter  this  consarned  blow,  and  now  you 
ain't  content  yet,  but  must  make  it  worse.  Give 
them  curds  up  to  oncet,  and  if  I  ketch  a  soul  of 
you  playin7  again,  I'll  clap  him  in  irons." 

"The  captain  had  been  dredful  grumpy  ever 
since  the  wimmin  had  scraped  our  acquaintance  ; 
he  was  an  awful  prejudiced  man  besides;  had 


NO,  YOU  DON7T.  137 

been  grumblin'  at  our  playin',  all  the  vyage,  and 
swore  it  would  bring  on  a  gale ;  but  this  last  shift 
of  wind  jest  did  the  bisnis,  and  upset  him — 
throwed  him  on  his  beam-ends  like — and  when 
the  sailors  come  and  told  him  we  were  inakin' 
more  wind  down  in  the  cabin  with  a  pack  of 
curds,  he  was  a  plaguy  sight  nearer  a  crazy  man 
than  a  fool,  which  was  his  nateral  condition. 

Up  jumped  a  chap  from  Orleens,  that  was  a 
playin7  with  us,  sprung  between  the  companion 
way  and  the  cap  tin,  and  jerkin'  out  a  pistil,  he 
cocks  it,  and  aims  right  at  cantankerous  critter's 
head. 

"  Now,"  says  he,  "  you  no  'count  whelp,  take 
back  every  word  of  saas  you've  give  us,  or  I'm 
blest  (I  guess  it  wasn't  "  blest"  he  said  either,)  if 
I  don't  see  if  there's  any  brains  in  that  numskull 
of  yours.  Put  us  in  irons,  indeed  !" 

The  captin  turned  white  as  a  sheet,  but  before 
he  could  get  a  word  out  of  his  head  old  Major 
Rogers  clapped  in  his  oar. 

"No,  Mr.  Dunbar,"  ses  he,  "that's  not  the 
way  to  treat  this  matter ;  put  up  your  weapon. 
And  you,  sir,  (to  the  captain)  on  this  vyage,  have 
showed  yourself  neither  sailor  nor  gentlemen.  If 
Captin  Brewer  hadn't  been  aboard,  your  coward- 
ice would  have  lost  the  ship  ;  and  now,  if  you  do 
not  make  an  ample  apology  before  you  leave  this 


138  BUSTLES   AND   BKE  AST- WORKS. 

cabin,  we  shall  make  such  representations  of  your 
conduct  to  both  owners  and  underwriters,  that  if 
you  keep  this  ship,  or  get  another,  I'm  much  mis- 
taken." 

The  poor,  mean  feller  looked  jest  like  a  dog 
ketched  sheep-stealin',  hung  his  head,  said  some- 
thing about  beggin'  pardon,  and  gittin'  riley  on 
account  of  the  bad  weather,  then  sneaked  off, 
feelin'  cheap  enough. 

If  the  curds  had  anything  to  do  with  the  wind, 
it  was  for  the  best,  for  it  kept  blowin'  till  sundown, 
and  then  come  up  from  t'other  quarter,  and  by 
noon  next  day  all  the  passengers  were  ashore  in 
Charleston,  anchored  at  the  Planter's  Hotel — old 
Miss  Calder's  house  they  called  it  then — and  a 
leetle  grain  ahead  of  any  house  I  over  stopped  at, 
for  good  livin'." 

"  Now,  sonny," — interrupted  Uncle  Billy — 
"  you've  got  your  ship's  wind,  all  right,  and  when 
you  get  your  own,  jest  bark  away  right  piert  on 
the  trail  of  that  wig,  for  dog-on-my-cat !  ef  I  aint 
a  grown  right  smartly  worn  out  with  the  story." 

"  Well,"  says  Bunce,  "  I  guess  you're  more  than 
half  right.  I'll  choke  it  off  in  a  few  minits." 

Having  taken  the  usual  method  to  recover  his 
wind,  our  conteur  set  forth,  as  shall  appear  in  the 
next  chapter. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

THE  FATAL  MILK  BOTTLE — TWO  TRUTHS  TO  ONE  LIE. 

"  THE  first  night  we  was  in  Charleston,  all  the 
men  of  our  party  exceptin'  old  Pond,  met  in  the 
bar-room,  and  was  a  smokin'  away,  and  takin' 
comfort " 

"  Wer  that  ar  red-eye,  or  old  peach  ?"  inter- 
rupted Uncle  Billy. 

"  Neither  one  ner  tother,  and  don't  you  go  to 
runnin'  any  of  yer  rigs,  nor  pokin'  fun  at  me,  ma- 
jer,  if  ye  want  this  yarn  spun  out  to-night. 

As  I  was  sayin',  Pond  wasn't  there,  and  we 
missed  him  mighty  quick. 

"  "Where  on  earth's  Pond  ?"  asked  Rogers. 

"  Bet  a  horse  he's  in  Miss  James'  room,"  ses  I. 

"  Bet  drinks,"  ses  the  major,  "  he  ain't." 

"  Done,"  ses  he — and  done  it  was,  and  he  was, 
too,  as  it  turned  out. 

"Here,  boy,"  ses  I,  to  a  culled  individial,  "jest 
take  up  this  newspaper  to  Miss  Jemes's  room,  with 
my  compliments ;  and,  say,  you  !  jest  take  a 

squint  inside,  and  see  who's  with  her. 

139 


140  THE  FATAL  MILK  BOTTLE. 

In  less  than  no  time  back  comes  the  boy,  a 
grinnin'  like  a  chesse-cat. 

"  I  done,  done  it,  mossa,"  ses  he.  "  She's  dret- 
ful  'bilged,  and  da's  no  body  da,  only  de  ole 
gempleman  who  da  come  down  to  de  table  wid 
her." 

"  And  what  on  airth  are  they  doin'  up  there  ?" 
I  asked. 

"  Well,  I  dunno  zackly,"  ses  the  boy.  "  'spec 
dey  was  sparkin'  a  little,  das  all." 

"  What  makes  you  guess  so  ?"  ses  I. 

"  Why  you  see,  mossa," — -ses  he,  a  grinnin7,  and 
a  scratchin'  among  the  wool, — "  da  was  only  one 
chear  a  standin'  out  in  de  room,  and  dey  bofe 
turned  mighty  red  when  I  poke  my  head  in  da." 

"  Well,"  ses  I,  "  there's  a  quarter ;  now  travel, 
and  jest  shut  up  shop  about  this." 

The  major  paid  up  like  a  man,  and  we  sot  in  to 
layin'  plans,  and  at  last  I  hatched  one  out,  that 
they  give  in  was  first  chop — A.  ~No.  1 — if  we 
could  only  find  out  the  right  man  to  work  it. 

"  Old  Frenchy  '11  fix  us  out,  I  know,"  ses  I ; 
"  and  I  motion,  we  visit  him  to-morrow  evenin', 
accordin'  to  his  invite." 

They  all  agreed ;  and  the  next  day,  arter  din- 
ner, we  all  sot  out  to  find  his  shop.  That  wasn't 
much  trouble,  but  finding  him  was ;  for  the  old 
woman — a  little  apple-dumplin'  of  a  body,  just 


SENSIBLE  TO  THE  LAST.  141 

like  him — told  us  he'd  gone  out  to  a  garden,  to 
make  a  fate  with  his  friends,  and  celebrate  his 
return. 

Arter  walkin,  and  huntin'  and  askin',  for  nigh 
onto  an  hour,  we  found  it,  and  we  found  him,  and 
we  found  a  lot  of  Crapo's  with  him. 

They'd  been  at  their  high  strikes,  and  was  putty 
well  up  in  the  picters.  The  empty  bottles  was 
layin'  around  putty  thick,  and  the  company  gin- 
rally  was  a  howlin'  out  French  songs — evry  man 
on  his  own  hook. 

The  old  man,  though,  was  sensible  to  the  last, 
and  could  listen  to  bisnis,  but  not  till  he'd  hugged 
us  all  round,  and  druv  a  bottle  of  most  amazin' 
sour  wine  down  every  one's  throat. 

When  I  got  him  to  listen  to  reason,  I  told  him 
jest  what  we  wanted — a  barber,  who  was  smart 
enough  to  play  out  the  play  we'd  fixed  up  for 
him. 

"  I  got  ze  vary  man  here,"  says  he — "Monsher 
Auguste,  my  moss  eentemate  friend — he  is  freezer 
like  to  no  body  in  all  Char-less-tone." 

"  Freezer  !  You  punkin-head" —  interrupted 
Allen — "friseur  you  mean,  I  suppose." 

"Well,  I  guess" — continued  Bunce — "they're 
putty  much  the  same  when  they're  biled.  I  don't 
understand  much  forrin  lingo,  and  tell  you  what 


14:2  THE  FATAL  MILK  BOTTLE. 

he  told  me ;  and  don't  you  bother  me  no  more, 
if  you  want  my  story  told  out." 

"  Agreed,"  said  the  Doctor ;  "  go  ahead." 

"  I  will,"  replied  Bunce,  "  but  for  the  gracious 
sakes  don't  bother  any  more.  Well,  you  see,  I 
felt  dreadful  uncertin  about  any  man  in  that  com- 
pany being  sober  enough  to  carry  out  the  joke, 
but  I  didn't  like  to  give  offence ;  and  so,  ses  I — 

"  But,  monsheer,  havn't  your  friends  been  en- 
jien'  themselves  rather  too  much  to  carry  this 
thing  out  straight  as  a  ramrod  ?" 

"  Not  one  beet,"  ses  he,  "  Auguste  shall  do 
avry  sing  juste  so  you  tell  heem.  Monsheer 
Auguste,  you  please  come  zis  way  one  menute." 

Monsheer  Auguste  come  out,  and  considerin' 
what  kind  of  red  flannel  he'd  lined  his  jacket 
with,  got  hold  of  my  idees  amazin1  quick. 

We  had  consideble  diffikelty  in  gittin'  away 
from  the  company,  but  made  out  at  last,  and  got 
back  to  our  hotel  afore  supper-time. 

We  all  got  supper,  and  kinder  sot  round  the 
bar-room,  a  smokin'  and  a  talkin',  and  a  guessin' 
how  it  would  all  turn  out,  when,  after  an  hour  or 
so,  a  waiter  come  in,  and  told  me  that  some  one 
wanted  to  see  me. 

Out  I  went,  and  there,  sure  enough,  was  mon- 
sheer Auguste,  in  full  dress  barber  rig — white 
apron,  tin  box,  and  all  complete  and  bang  up. 


SYMPTOMS  OF  A  BOW.  143 

I  called  the  boys,  and  up  stairs  we  went,  awful 
still  and  quiet.  When  we  got  near  the  room,  we 
stuck  ourselves  agin  the  wall,  so's  to  be  out  of 
sight,  but  hear  the  fun. 

The  barber  goes  to  the  door,  and  taps  plaguy 
soft ;  no  one  conies.  Then  harder ;  no  one  yet. 
Then  a  regular  rat-tat-too. 

Then  the  door  opens,  and  a  gal's  voice  asks, 

"  Who's  there  ?    What  do  you  want  2" 

"  Ees  Monsheer  Pond  een  ?"  asks  the  barber — • 
taking  off  his  hat  dredf  ul  perlite. 

"  Ye-e  s,"  drawled  out  the  gal,  considable  asha- 
med like. 

"  I  moss  see  him  emajatlee,  vary  particulear," 
answers  Auguste. 

"  The  door  opens,  we  hear  Pond  walkin7  towards 
it,  and  Auguste  walks  in. 

"  What  in  thunder  do  you  want  with  me  ?  who 
are  you  ?  and  who  sent  you  here  ?'*  growled  out 
Pond,  as  cross  as  a  bear  with  a  sore  head. 

"  I  come  to  ze  hotel,"  says  Auguste,  "  I  go  to 
ze  bar-keep,  I  ask  for  Monsheer  Pond,  and  ze  bar- 
keep  tell  ze  boy,  *  you  shall  show  zis  gentilman  to 
Monsheer  Pond.  You  weel  find  heem  in  zat 
ladese  room  where  he  always  stay7 — and  so  he 
show  me  op." 

Jest  then  I  happened  to  see  the  door  opposite 
Miss  Jemeses  was  partly  open,  so  I  kinder  slipt  in 


144         THE  FATAL  MILK  BOTTLE. 

•without  makin'  any  fuss — they  was  too  busy  to 
take  notice  of  me — pushed  my  door  clean  open, 
and  stood  in  the  dark  to  see  the  fun. 

When  Pond  heard  the  monsheer's  account  of 
his  "  gittin7  up  stairs,"  he  blew  out  like  a  house 
a'fire. 

"  Confound  the  bar-keeper ;  and  confound  his 
impidence  ;  and  confound  this  house ;  and  darn 
me  if  ever  I  set  foot  in't  agin.  And  as  for  you, 
mister,  now  you  have  found  me,  what  in  creation 
do  you  want  ?" 

"  I  am  Monsheer  Auguste,  ze  freezer,  zat  you 
send  for,"  ses  the  barber. 

"  1  sent  for,"  ses  Pond.  "  And  what  should  1 
send  for  you  for  ?" 

"  You  moss  have  vare  bad  memry,  monsheer ; 
you  have  send  fore  me  fore  dress  your  veeg"  an- 
swers barber. 

"  My  veeg  !  you  impartinent  jackanapes.  I 
ain't  got  no  wig;  I  don't  wear  no  wig,"  roared  out 
Pond. 

"  Pardon,  monsheer,  I  am  not  jack-and-ape, 
and  you  do  vare  a  veeg.  I  can  see  him  now  juste 
so  plain  as  noting  at  all." 

"  You  lie,  you  French  scoundrel.  You've  been 
sent  to  insult  me,  Pve  got  no  wig." 

"  Ensulte  you  ?  You  ensulte  me.  I  am  gen  til- 
home;  artiste;  you  shall  fight  wiz  me.  Sakray 


"  SUCH  A  GETTING  DOWN  STAIRS."  145 

blue !  Ma'msel,  I  call  you  for  weetnase ;  he  got 
no  veeg,  aha !  Zen  zis  not  his  propaty — [here  he 
made  a  dash  at  Pond,  and  snatched  the  disputed 
article  off  his  head] — and  out  he  go — pouff !" 

And  out  it  went  for  sartin ;  the  winder  was 
open,  and  the  wig  was  in  the  street  afore  you 
could  say  Jack  Kobinson.  The  barber  had  got  a 
leetle  too  much  excited,  and  played  a  plaguy  sight 
stronger  game  than  we'd  chalked  out  for  him. 

The  gal  squealed  right  out.  Pond  was  dum- 
struck  for  a  minit,  then  made  a  dive  for  the  bar- 
ber— barber  made  a  dive  for  the  door;  through 
the  passage  both  went,  tarin'  like  mad.  Jest  as 
barber  got  to  the  stair-head  Pond  grabbed  him, 
and  away  they  went,  head  over  heels,  rolling 
down.  Barber's  box  flew  open,  and  the  powder 
flew  out,  coverin'  both  of  'em  all  over,  and  pla- 
guy nigh  chokin'  'em  to  death. 

They  landed  in  the  next  passage,  and  was 
picked  up  by  some  of  the  crowd  the  rumpus  had 
raised.  Barber  coughs  awful,  slaps  his  hat  on  his 
head  with  a  dredful  savage  air,  shakes  his  fist  at 
Pond,  and  marches  out.  Pond  stands  a  minit,  all 
struck  up,  coughs  too,  and  tries  to  clear  his  mouth 
of  the  powder,  then  claps  his  hand  to  his  head,  and 
scuds  for  his  room  under  bare  poles. 

Well,  boys,  the  eend  of  the  matter  was,  that  the 
wig  was  found  in  the  gutter,  in  a  dredful  nasty  fix. 
10 


146  THE  FATAL  MILK  BOTTLE. 

Pond  lay  a  bed  next  day,  while  it  was  docterM  up, 
and  Miss  Jemes  was  off  in  the  first  train  for  Ham- 
burg next  mornin'." 

"  And  so  ends  the  episode  of  Pond's  wig,"  said 
Milward.  "  But  Sam,  don't  you  think  you  acted 
very  wrong,  in  breaking  up  a  match,  that  might 
have  resulted  in  happiness  to  both  parties,  even  if 
one  did  wear  a  wig." 

"  Don't  know  about  the  happiness  part  of  the 
bisniss,"  answered  Bunce ;  "  think  it  most  amazin' 
unsartin,  and  didn't  break  off  the  match  nither." 

"  How  do  you  know  ?"  asked  the  Judge. 

"  Why,"  aswered  Bunce,  "  I'll  tell  you.  About 
two  years  after  I  was  to  Milledgeville,  awaitin' 
the  stage  for  Augusty,  and  when  it  come  in,  it 
come  sorter  double-barrell'd — the  reglar  stage  was 
jam  full,  and  there  was  an  extra  put  on,  and  that 
was  jam  full  too,  and  a  leetle  more.  Well,  I  got 
in ;  I  sot  on  the  front  seat,  and  there  was  a  man 
and  his  wife  and  baby  on  it  besides,  and  a  leetle 
she  darkey — sorter  nuss  like — curled  up  in  the 
stage  bottom,  top  of  our  feet. 

There's  no  tellin'  what  an  amazin'  awful  fix  the 
roads  was  in.  It  had  been  astonishing  wet  and 
muddy,  and  then  jest  turned  cold,  and  froze  up 
the  ruts  jest  as  they  was. 

Well,  away  we  went,  rumpity  bump — our  dri- 
ver keeping  up  with  the  mail,  and  makin'  out  to 


UPS  AND  DOWNS.  14:7 

get  to  the  next  stage-house  without  upsetting 
though  I  guess  if  the  Fejees  hadketched  us  they'd 
have  found  some  mighty  tender  steaks  among  the 
party. 

At  this  house  our  driver  quit,  and  went  back  on 
a  return  stage,  and  the  old  boy  was  to  pay. 
There  was  a  piece  of  road  ahead  so  awful  bad  that 
the  stage  must  go  through  the  woods  to  get  round 
it ;  and  that  wasn't  the  worst  nither,  for  they  put 
a  chap  on  our  stage  that  never  drove  on  the  line 
afore,  and  ordered  him  to  keep  up  with  the  mail, 
whatever  happened. 

Now  it  was  between  midnight  and  day-break, 
cold  as  blue  blazes,  and  dark  as  a  pocket  in  a 
shirt,  and  the  mail  couldn't  be  seen  only  by  keepin* 
right  slap  agin  it. 

By  mighty !  didn't  we  catch  it  though ;  the 
mail  driver  knew  all  the  bad  spots,  and  druv 
round  'em  or  went  over  'em  easy,  but  our  chap 
had  to  go  right  straight  on  through  everything 
and  over  everything — every  once  in  a  while  run- 
ning slap  into  the  mail,  and  bringing  up  with  a 
jerk  that  sent  us  sky  high. 

One  minit  we'd  be  a  mashin'  our  hats  and  a 
poundin'  our  heads  agin  the  top  of  the  stage,  and 
in  half  a  shake  reducin'  t'other  extremity  to  a  hu- 
man jelly. 

That  unfortunit  baby,  what  a  churnin'  up  it  got. 


148          THE  FATAJ,  MILK  BOTTLE. 

[  expected  every  minit  its  nateral  food  would  be 
turned  into  butter,  go  agin  its  stomach,  and  per- 
duce  the  nateral  consequences;  and  when  the 
poor  critter  was  shifted  over  to  my  side  of  the 
house,  I  screwed  up  my  courage,  and  prepared 
for  the  worst. 

We  come  at  last  to  a  long  hill ;  down  we  went 
on  a  dead  run.  At  the  bottom  was  a  Georgy  rail- 
road, and  an  astonishing  bad  mud-hole.  The  na- 
tion !  when  we  struck  it,  up  we  all  went  like  so 
many  sky-rackets,  and  down  we  come  like  a  thou- 
sand of  brick.  The  darkey  got  wedged  in,  and 
couldn't  get  down  agin,  and  when  we  touched  bot- 
tom, there  she  lay  full  length  across  our  laps ;  but 
that  wasn't  all — the  man  next  me  give  a  most  un- 
arthly  yell,  and  holler'd  out — 

«  Oh  !  I'm  dead  !  I  m  killed  !  I'm  ruinated  ! 
Oh,  the  massy!  Stop  the  stage,  for  the  good- 
ness sakes." 

"  What  on  earth's  the  matter  ?"  squalls  out  his 
wife. 

"  Oh  !  that  bottle  broke,  and  cut  me  all  to  pie- 
ces ;  blood's  a  runnin' ;  I'm  a  soakin'  in  it.  I'm 
faintin'.  I'm  a  goin'  fast.  Oh,  stop  the  stage, 
and  take  the  baby." 

There  was  a  dredf ul  row ;  everybody  hollerin' ; 
wife,  she-darky,  and  baby  squallin',  and  wounded 
man  a  groanin',  and  sayin'  his  prayers. 


BOTTOMRY  SURVEY.  149 

"Well,  we  got  the  stage  stopped  at  last,  both 
lamps  off  the  box,  man  out  on  the  ground,  and 
commenced  surveyin'  the  damages.  There  wasn't 
cut,  ner  scratch,  ner  bruise,  only  what  was  the 
nateral  result  of  the  bumpin' ;  but  his  breeches 
was  soaked  through  with  milk,  and  one  of  his  coat- 
tail  pockets  full  of  broken  glass.  The  poor  fright- 
ened critter  had  come  down  kolumpus  on  a  quart 
bottle  of  milk— baby  stores — made  an  everlastin' 
smash  of  it,  and  the  warm  milk  he'd  mistook  for 
blood. 

But  that  wasn't  all ;  for  when  we'd  done  our 
survey,  I  raised  the  lamp,  and  if  it  wasn't  old 
Pond  and  his  wife — Miss  Jemes  that  had  been — 
I'd  been  a  ridin'  long  side  of,  I  wish  I  may  be 
chissel'd.  I  was  most  amazin  perlite  the  rest  of 
the  way,  and  took  turns  holdin'  the  baby;  but 
don't  ye  think,  they  never  give  me  an  invite  to 
come  and  stop  with  'em,  when  I  went  to  Selmy, 
though  I  told  'em  I  was  expectin'  to  be  there  afore 
spring."  • 

(At  this  moment  a  peculiar  sound  like  the  rend- 
ing asunder  of  a  strong  piece  of  cotton  cloth  was 
heard  in  the  room,  although  no  one  appeared  to 
notice  it  but  myself.) 

"  Sam,"  asked  the  Judge,  "  do  you  expect  us  to 
take  all  your  stories  for  gospel  1" 

"  Well,  I  don't  know,"  he  replied,  "  that  de- 


150  THE  FATAL  MILK  BOTTLE. 

pends  mostly  upon  yourselves.  Folks  that's  givin' 
to  makin'  things  outer  whole  cloth  ain't  over  apt 
to  swaller  all  they  hear." 

"  Why,  you  impertinent" — began  the  Judge. 

"  Oh,  never  mind,"  interrupted  Bunce ;  "  didn't 
mean  nothin',  but  rather  guess  I'd  best  tell  you  a 
short  story;  't  ain't  very  new,  but  it  comes  putty 
much  to  the  pint. 

An  Indian  once  went  into  a  trader's  store  down 
to  Maine,  and  offered  to  sell  a  deer  for  a  quart  of 
rum. 

"  Where's  your  deer  ?"  asked  the  trader. 

"  You  know  great  bend  in  brook — mile— so  ?" 

"Yes." 

"  You  know  great  tree,  most  on  bank  ?" 

"Yes." 

"  You  go  to  brook,  you  go  to  tree,  you  find  'em 
deer  hangin'  on  'em  tree." 

The  trader  measured  out  his  rum,  and  sent  after 
the  deer,  but  that  was  among  the  missin?. 

A  week  or  so  afterwards  the  trader  see  the 
Indian  in  the  street,  and  stopped  him. 

"  You  rascal,"  says  he,  "  where's  the  deer  I  tra- 
ded for  t'other  day  ?" 

"  You  no  find  'em  brook?"  asked  red  skin. 

"Yes." 

"  You  no  find  'em  tree  ?" 
,     "Yes." 


A  MOKAL  MAN.  151 

"Ugh!  two  truths  for  one  lie,  good  for  Indian." 

"  Well,"  said  the  Judge,  "  I  accept  the  point, 
and  shall  enter  a  rule,  that  in  future  it  shall  apply 
to  your  yarns,  Sam ;  but  as  you  are  decidedly  a 
moral  man,  let's  know  what  moral  you  deduce 
from  all  this." 

"  A  grist  of  'em,"  replied  Bunce.  "  Never 
judge  of  a  man's  age  by  his  hair,  ner  a  woman's, 
by  her  curls,  ner  of  nither  as  you  would  a  horse 
— by  the  teeth.  All  is  n't  gold  that's  shiney.  Don't 
carry  milk-bottles  in  your  coat  tails  in  stages  over 
bad  roads;  and  above  all,  if  you  get  two  truths 
for  one  lie,  as  you  go  along  through  the  world,  be 
satisfied ;  you've  done  better  'n  the  average." 

[Here  I  again  heard  a  riri-i-ip^  louder  and  more 
prolonged  than  the  former.] 

"  Well,"  said  Bunce,  "  I  shouldn't  wonder  if 
some  one'd  got  a  consideble  turkey  on." 


CHAPTER  XV. 

GETTING  A  TURKEY  ON — A  "GENERAL"  HUNT." 

"  TURKEY,  yourself,  you  desateful  varmint," 
exclaimed  Uncle  Billy— jumping  up,  and  trying 
to  look  excessively  wide  awake  ;  in  fact,  as  if  he 
had  not  been  asleep  for  six  months.  Turkey 
yerself,  ye  owdacious  rebel.  I  were  ondly  givin' 
a  satisfied  grunt,  that  your  jo-fired,  long,  dry  story 
wer  done  told.  Now,  look  heah,  Nutmegs,  Sam 
Slick,  Jed  Bunce,  er  whatsomever  name  ye  like, 
ye  don't  know  what c  gittin'  a  turkey  on7  means, 
ner  whar  it  come  from,  nor  how  it  got  thar  ;  Pm 
dog-on  ef  ye  do." 

"  Well,  well,"  said  Allen,  "  Uncle  Billy,  that's 
rather  rich,  considering  how  many  turkeys  Sam 
has  shouldered  in  his  time,  and  how  distressingly  , 
fat  some  of  them  were." 

"There,  Doctor,  that'll  do,"  returned  Bunce. 
"  You're  a  helpin'  my  case  amazinly,  and  a  makin' 
it  a  nation  sight  better.  Pve  heard  of  darnation 
good-natur'd  friends,  and  kinder  guess  you  belong 
to  that  litter  ;  but  you're  "  barkin'  up  the  wrong 
152 


A  DRY  RIDE.  153 

tree,"  as  Uncle  Billy  ses.  He  only  put  that  out 
for  a  kinder  wheel,  to  spin  a  yarn  on ;  and  I 
shouldn't  wonder  a  mite  if  the  old  man  was  right. 
I'll  say  for  certin  1  never  had  any  idee  where  the 
sayin'  come  from,  nor  how  it  got  the  meanin' 
tacked  to  it." 

"  Eight  as  usual,  Sam,"  said  Milward ;  "  that's 
just  it.  Now,  Mr.  Roberts,  you  might  as  well  out 
with  it.  Where  did  that  saying  come  from  ?'J 

"  Well,  boys,"  commenced  Uncle  Billy,  "I'm  in 
for't,  that's  a  fact,  and  I  wish  I  had  let  it  alone. 
I'm  willin'  to  talk  all  the  rest  of  the  night,  and 
hit's  half  gone  aready ;  but  dern  my  skin  ef  this 
is  any  too  safe  a  critter  to  ride.  Why,  if  half  the 
men  in  this  settlement  knew  what  I  wer'  a  tellin', 
I'm  dog-on  ef  they  wouldn't  rout  out  and  give 
your  Uncle  Billy  a  dry  ride.  You'd  see  me,  in 
consideble  less  than  no  time,  cavortin'  around 
town — dern  putty  town,  ain't  it  ? — mounted  on  a 
wooden  poney,  and  the  biggest  eend  of  t'other 
half  would  be  a  laughin'  at  the  fun. 

I  don't  mind  you,  boys,  but  rayther  reckon  it 
ain't  safe  to  name  names,  and  so  I'll  jest  say  I 
allow  most  on  ye  know  a  certin  man,  a  most  aston- 
ishin'  big  catfish,  that  I'll  call  the  Ginral.  I 
reckon  ye'll  be  mighty  apt  to  tell  who  I  mean." 

We  assured  him  that  it  was  not  over  difficult  to 
know  who  was  intended. 


154     GETTING  A  TURKEY  ON — A  "  GENERAL3'  HUNT. 

"  Well,  boys,  I  reckoned  so,"  resumed  Eoberts. 
"  I  reckoned  so.  Now  I'll  tell  ye  one  or  two  rale 
curus  things  about  the  Ginral ;  but  mind,  you're 
bound  to  keep  shady,  and  not  git  me  inter  a  diffi- 
kilty.  Some  years  ago,  and,  come  to  think  on't, 
a  smart  time  it  is — much's  seven  er  eight — the 
Ginral  had  his  bills  up  for  a  high  office,  and  it 
wer  allowed  putty  much  all  over  that  he'd  get  it, 
too.  One  part  of  the  settlers  hated  him  worse  'n 
pison,  and  one  part  wer  ready  to  fall  down  on 
thar  bare  knees  to  him  ;  and  one  chap — old  Cunle 
Black — it  war  univarsally  allowed  expected  to  go 
the  Ginral,  when  he  died. 

The  settlers  wer  putty  much  split  in  two  about 
him — part  fer,  and  part  aginst;  and  about  the 
same  number  both  sides.  Hit  were  mighty  clar 
that  his  election  depended  upon  two  other  sort  of 
people. 

Fust,  thar  wer  all  the  rowdies,  and  blacklegs,  and 
horse-jockies,  that  hung  around  the  towns — they 
wer  bound  to  vote  fer  him  ;  but  there  wer  a  great 
many  quiet,  docious  new  comers — merchants,  doc- 
tors, lawyers,  preachers,  and  teachers,  and  land- 
hunters.  "Well,  these  new  settlers  wer  mostly 
from  the  Yankee  settlements,  and  didn't  believe 
much  in  keerds,  nor  whiskey,  nor  rowdyism ;  and 
the  Ginral's  enemies  rayther  reckon'd  ef  they  could 


A  HALF-BREED  TAYERN.  155 

show  him  up  to  them,  they  could  lick  him  up  like 
salt. 

Now  Houston,  whar  the  capitel  wer  then,  wer 
fairly  runnin'  over  with  these  new  comers ;  and 
the  Ginral's  friends  tried  to  keep  him  out  of  thar 
way,  but  t'warnt  no  sorter  use.  Up  to  town  he 
would  go>  and  when  he  got  thar  he  kept  on  goin', 
tell  he  got  as  high  as  ninety. 

Some  of  the  other  party  got  scent  of  this,  and 
sot  out  to  find  him,  and  trot  him  around  town ; 
but  the  Ginral,  fur  gone  as  he  was,  reckon'd  he'd 
best  go  a  heap  further,  and  get  clar  outer  the 
way. 

Thar  wer  an  old  Madam  Mars,  or  some  setch 
name,  that  hed  been  a  leetle  given  to  pisonin'  and 
setch  like  amusements,  and  the  Ginral  hed  saved 
her  neck  from  bein'  lengthened  out ;  so  they  wer 
the  greatest  kind  of  friends.  The  Ginral  made  fer 
her  cabin,  and  lucky  he  did,  fer  the  party  wer 
barkin3  right  piert  on  his  trail. 

The  old  woman  sighted  'em,  and  told  the  Ginral 
to  get  under  the  bed  dfo'-rectly. 

Now,  Madam  Mars  kep  a  kinder  half  breed 
tavern,  part  way  betwixt  an  eatin'  house  and  a 
boardin'  house.  Thar  wer  a  smart  chaince  of 
eatin'  and  some  little  sleepin'  done  in  it,  and  thar 
wer  spread  out  on  a  table  a  big  roast  turkey  and 
all  sorts  of  fixins.  The  Ginral  sot  eyes  on  the 


156    GETTING  A  TUKKEY  ON — A  "  GENERAL7'  HUNT. 

turkey,  grabbed  it,  and  ducked  under  the  bed  jest 
as  the  men  come  in. 

"  Is  the  Ginral  heah,  madam?"  asked  one  of  the 
men. 

"Passed  through  jest  this  minit,"  says  she. 
"  Went  out  the  back  door  into  the  lot.  I  couldn't 
think  what  made  him  in  setch  a  hurry." 

To  the  back  door  they  went,  and  found  a  man 
they'd  been  smart  enough  to  send  round  that  way. 
So  seem'  the  Madam  hed  been  stockin7  the  keerds 
on  7em,  they  begin  to  smell  a  bug. 

"  Let's  go  in  and  hev  dinner,'7  ses  one,  and  in 
they  went. 

The  Madam  tried  hard  to  get  shut  of  'em,  but 
'twouldn't  do.  She  told  'em  there'd  been  a  fine 
fat  turkey  on  the  table,  but  a  dog  come  in,  stole 
it,  and  run  off. 

"  Tears  to  me,  madam,"  ses  one ;  "  'pears  to  me 
I  kin  hear  him  now  under  the  bed,  a  growlin'  and 
a  crackin'  the  bones." 

"  Oh  no,  sir,'7  ses  she,  "•!  swept  the  room,  under 
the  bed  and  all,  the  minit  afore  you  come  in." 

I  reckon  you  know,  boys,  what  a  powerful  big 
bump  of  vanity  the  Ginral's  got.  I've  hearn  how 
many  horse  power  it  wer  equal  to,  but  sort  of  dis- 
remember ;  though  they  do  say  he's  got  enough 
to  stock  seventeen  gals,  nine  madams,  seven  grass 


THE  ORIGINAL  TURKEY.  157 

widers,  and  five  real  ones.  The  boys  that  were 
arter  him  knew  it,  too. 

"  He's  heah,"  whispers  one  on  'em  ;  "  how  '11  we 
manage  to  trot  him  out  ?" 

"  His  bump  of  vanity's  big  as  a  base  drum," 
ses  another ;  "  let's  play  on  it." 

And  so  they  did.  One  said  he  wouldn't  dar  to 
go  home  to  his  old  woman,  without  seein'  the 
great  Ginral  that  allers  licked  the  Mexikins  to  get 
an  appetite  fer  breakfast.  Another,  that  he'd 
come  clar  from  Maine  to  see  him.  A  third  said 
that  he  wer  bound  to  be  next  President  of  the 
United  States  ;  that  the  people  would  declare  war 
on  Texas,  ef  she  wouldn't  give  him  up  to  'em ;  and 
at  last  a  man  said,  you  might  put  "Washington, 
and  Ginral  Jackson,  and  Boneyparty,  and  Docter 
Franklin,  and  Thomas  Jefferson  into  a  kittle,  and 
bile  'em  down,  and  they  all  wouldn't  make  a  man 
like  the  Ginral. 

The  Ginral  couldn't  stand  it  no  longer,  and  out 
he  crawls,  and  a  most  powerful  putty  figger  he 
cut.  He  stuck  to  his  turkey,  and  gnawed  away 
at  it  like  a  dog,  holdin7  it  by  the  neck  in  one  hand 
and  the  drumsticks  in  t'other ;  and  without  stop- 
pin'  his  eatin',  ses  he, 

"  Gelmen — fu  wa  see  the  Genl,  he-is."  They 
wer  powerful  glad  to  see  him,  and  wanted  to  shake 
hands ;  but  no,  he  wouldn't  leave  his  turkey  ;  then 


158  GETTING  A  TURKEY  ON — A  "  GENERAL,"  HUNT. 

they  give  him  an  invite  to  go  out  and  licker ;  and 
out  he'd  hev  gone,  ondly  the  madam  declared 
war,  and  with  a  knife  in  one  hand  and  broom- 
stick in  t'other,  druv  the  strangers  out. 

When  they  got  back  to  the  tavern,  every  one 
got  round  'em,  asking  about  the  Ginral. 

"Wharishe?"  "  Hev  you  seen  him  ?"  "Why 
didn't  you  trot  him  out  ?" 

"Gentle-ra^,"  ses  one  on  'em,  "we  hev  seen 
the  Gineral,  and  he's  got  a  most  owdacious  lig  tur- 
key on. 

Ef  they  didn't  trot  the  Ginral  out  they  trotted 
the  story  round,  mighty  apt  I  tell  ye.  It  did  a 
smart  chaince  of  damage,  but  didn't  do  quite 
enough." 

"  Mr.  Koberts,"  asked  Judge  Kicord,  "  did  you 
ever  hear  the  gentleman  swear  ?" 

"  Well,  Judge,"  replied  Eoberts,  "  I  couldn't 
justly  say  I  ivir  did  ;  prehaps  I  ain't  a  good  judge 
of  the  article — seein's  I  hevn't  done  much  at  it 
sense  I  got  religion — but  I  hev  heard  him  cuss  tell 
iv'ry  thing  turned  blue.  Ef  hit  wer  plain  swearin' 
I  niver  heard  none  afore,  and  ef  it  wer  cussin' — 
which  I  recon's  about  a  huckleberry  above  swear- 
in's  pesimmon — I  niver  want  to  agin." 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

THE  BIG  BTJCKSKIK  BREECHES   AND   THE  LITTLE  DUTCH 
TAILOE. 

"I  BELIEVE  you  are  right,  Mr.  Roberts,"  said 
Ricord,  "  I  don't  think  his  equal  in  that  line  was 
ever  born.  Three  legged  Willie  could  outswear 
all  the  Mississippi  steamboat  mates  £ut  together, 
but  in  his  wildest  fits  was  never  a  priming  to  the 
General.  The  first  time  that  I  ever  heard  him, 
the  whole  affair  was  so  excessively  ludicrous  and 
so  extremely  horrible  that  I  shall  never  forget  it. 

It  was  in  this  very  room,  and  thus  it  came 
about. 

He  had  been  sent  for,  to  lead  in  the  most  im- 
portant case  that  ever  was  brought  before  our  Dis- 
trict Court,  or  probably  that  ever  will  be.  Half 
the  negroes  in  this  county  had  been  run  off  from 
Alabama,  and  I  have  never  blamed  their  owners 
for  it.  The  bank  made  loans  right  and  left,  filled 
their  hands  with  rag  currency,  and  then  shut 

159 


160  THE  BIG  BUCKSKIN  BKEECHES. 

down  upon  them,  failed,  seized  upon  everything 
that  they  could,  and  sold  it  off  at  auction  for  a 
song,  so  that  a  planter  not  in  debt  over  twenty 
per  cent,  of  his  property  would  have  been  abso- 
lutely ruined  if  he  had  submitted  to  an  action. 

After  the  affair  lay  dormant  some  years,  the 
bank  began  to  stir  in  it ;  sent  an  agent  over  to 
procure  counsel,  which  he  did  with  much  diffi- 
culty— although  at  a  distance  from  here — and  the 
next  term  the  suit  came  on.  The  papers  and 
record  testimony  had  been  prepared  with  the 
utmost  care,  and  by  the  ablest  counsel  in  Ala- 
bama ;  their  counsel  here  were  superior  to  those 
first  engaged  on  the  plaintiff's  side ;  and  although 
only  one  suit*  was  brought,  yet  being  a  test  ques- 
tion— involving  perhaps  a  quarter  of  a  million — 
the  county  was  stirred  up,  and  the  settlers  buzzed 
about,  held  meetings,  made  speeches,  published 
threatening  circulars,  and  in  fact  put  me  in  mind 
of  the  amiable  denizens  of  a  hornet's  nest,  when 
their  homestead  has  had  a  writ  of  ejectment 
served  upon  it  in  the  shape  of  a  long  pole  with  a 
boy  at  the  end. 

Well,  our  people  being  very  patriotic,  the  Gen- 
eral was  to  lead,  and  his  juniors  were  all  gentle- 
men who  had  figured  at  some  time  in  our  army 
list.  There  was  one  colonel  in  the  lot,  but  although 


CHANGING  E^taT.  161 


worth  all  the  rest  put  together,  he  was  deemed  a 
mere  nobody. 

The  General's  practice  had  laid  dormant  so  long 
that  no  one  knew  much  about  his  legal  abilities, 
but  he  was  the  General,  and  that  was  enough  for 
his  clients.  The  case  came  on,  and  in  fifteen 
minutes  after  he  commenced  speaking,  the  Gene- 
ral had  nearly  ruined  the  cause.  His  coadjutors 
saw  that  something  must  be  done,  and  managed 
to  choke  him  off — how  I  never  knew.  Then 
another  General  arose,  but  he  was  completely  in 
the  fog — this  not  being  his  part — and  he  dawdled 
on  until  the  court  adjourned  for  dinner. 

At  that  time  I  occupied  the  small  house  on  the 
other  side  of  the  yard.  One  or  two  of  the  junior 
counsel  for  the  defendant  came  in,  and  with  them 
Judge  Franklin,  the  shrewdest  and  quickest  wit- 
ted,  if  not  the  deepest  lawyer  in  Texas.  He  amu- 
sed himself  first  by  proving  how  their  cause  could 
be  defended  to  a  certainty.  His  hearers  drank 
it  all  in  with  thirsty  ears,  believed  it  all,  and  evi- 
dently intended  to  take  the  course  laid  down. 
Then  Franklin  changed  front,  undermined  his 
own  arguments,  and  showed  very  conclusively 
that  there  was  not  the  slightest  chance  for  the  de- 
fence. Their  countenances  went  down  to  zero  in 
double-quick  time. 
11 


162        THE  BIG  BUCKSKIN  BREECHES. 

After  looking  at  them  a  moment.  Franklin 
burst  into  a  loud  laugh,  and  said — 

"  Boys,  if  you  had  relied  on  yourselves,  and  not 
on  the  old  grannies  who  lead  you,  you  might  have 
done  something.  I  can  throw  that  case  out  of 
court  in  fifteen  minutes." 

The  council  had  been  fairly  dazzled  and  bewil- 
dered by  the  brilliance  of  his  rhetoric;  they 
believed  him  immediately ;  left,  had  a  consulta- 
tion with  their  seniors  and  the  committee — who 
by  this  time  had  discovered  that  the  defence 
would  be  safer  in  the  hands  of  great  lawyers, 
than  in  those  of  great  generals — and  the  conse- 
quence was  that  Franklin  received  an  invitation 
to  lead. 

He  consented,  on  the  condition  that  he  should 
not  be  tramelled  or  interfered  with.  This  was  a 
great  triumph  for  him,  as  he  was  anything  but 
popular  with  the  bar,  from  his  habit  of  completely 
identifying  himself  with  his  client's  cause  ;  grasp- 
ing at  every  legal  advantage,  holding  on  to  every 
inch  gained,  and  never  showing  mercy  to  dilatory 
or  careless  opponents. 

He  was  as  good  as  his  word.  He  calmly  asked 
the  court  for  a  non-suit,  upon  the  ground  that  the 
suit  was  brought  by  a  nullity,  said  to  be  a  corpo- 
ration existing  at  one  time  in  Alabama,  but  of 
whose  existence  or  legal  corporate  powers  not  a 


,cr  ^ 


AFANOlB)  163 

shadow  of  proof  was  furnished.  The  opposite 
counsel  squabbled  awhile,  but  were  so  taken 
aback  by  this  sudden  squall,  that  their  craft 
became  unmanageable — in  fact  they  began  to 
deem  it  unseaworthy.  They  boxed  the  compass 
without  making  a  point,  and  Judge  Norton  sus- 
tained the  non-suit. 

The  case  was  afterwards  carried  up  to  the  Su- 
preme Bench,  and  they  sustained  the  decision  of 
the  lower  court.  So  ended  the  Bank  war. 

Now  all  this  was  not  exactly  nuts  to  the  old 
General ;  and  he  would  have  been  in  a  horrid  hu- 
mor, but  for  one  consolation,  which  was  neither 
more  nor  less  than  a  prospect  of  the  speedy  com- 
pletion of  two  pairs  of  magnificent  buckskin 
breeches. 

You  probably  all  know  his  peculiar  style  of  rig 
— very  heavy,  old-fashioned,  military  jack-boots, 
yellow  buckskin  breeches,  buff  vest ;  coat,  long 
tailed  blue,  with  gilt  buttons,  huge  white  beaver, 
and  an  exceedingly  fancy  Mexican  blanket,  made 
to  assume  a  different  position  at  least  once  in  five 
minutes.  Of  all  this  dress,  an  immaculate  pair  of 
buckskins  called  for  his  principal  attention,  and 
were  the  pride  of  his  heart. 

Now,  the  very  day  of  his  arrival,  he  had  disco- 
vered in  a  certain  store  some  fine  yellow  buck- 
skins, very  heavy,  of  superior  quality,  and  admi- 


164:  THE  BIG-  BUCKSKIN  BREECHES. 


rably  dressed.  He  bought  them  instantly,  and  in 
a  few  minutes  the  crowd  in  the  street  were  treated 
to  a  rare  sight,  the  great  general — at  least  six  feet 
and  a  half  in  height — walking  arm-in-arm,  and 
conversing  in  his  most  mellifluous  style,  with  a 
poor  little  duck-legged  Dutch  tailor,  almost  a 
dwarf,  who  might  with  very  high-heeled  boots 
have  stood  somewhere  near  four  feet  ten. 

What  object  the  General  had  in  his  selection  of 
this  poor  specimen  of  humanity  I  know  not,  unless 
he  thought  that  such  a  display  of  urbanity  would 
pay  the  bill. 

As  for  the  little  Dutchman,  he  appeared  to  be 
fairly  overwhelmed  and  desperately  frightened,  as 
well  as  excessively  proud  of  the  honor,  and  evi- 
dently seemed  to  think  that  his  fortune  was  made, 
or  if  not,  that  after  this  there  was  nothing  more 
left  to  live  for. 

The  General  escorted  him  down  to  the  store, 
was  there  measured,  and  then  escorted  him  back 
again,  saw  him  mounted  for  home,  shook  hands 
warmly,  and  gave  him  a  parting  bow. 

The  night  after  the  upset  of  the  great  Bank 
case,  I  slept  in  that  corner  bed — having  resigned 
iny  own  room  temporarily — and  the  General  occu- 
pied one  in  the  opposite  corner.  During  the  eve- 
ning he  had  been  very  good  humored  and  talka- 
tive ;  but  at  its  close,  a  long-legged,  half-witted 


A  TIGHT  FIT.  165 


Alabamian  had  called  in,  and  annoyed  him  ex- 
ceedingly with  some  very  pertinent  and  imperti- 
nent questions,  a  true  solution  of  one  of  which  the 
English  and  French  Ministers  in  Mexico,  and  the 
invincible  Santa  Anna  himself  would  have  come 
down'very  heavy  indeed  to  have  obtained. 

In  fact,  he  was  regularly  put  through  a  new 
kind  of  catechism,  and  was  asked,  among  other 
things,  whether  he  had  "  got  religion"  and  joined 
the  Methodists  ;  whether  he  had  stopped  drinking 
entirely ;  and  last  of  all,  whether  he  was  in  favor 
of  annexation. 

I  did  not  much  wonder  at  his  rising  on  the  next 
morning  with  a  clouded  brow.  His  servant,  who 
came  in  to  dress  him,  met  with  more  curses  than 
coppers,  but  the  storm  did  not  fairly  burst,  until 
when  at  least  two-thirds  dressed,  he  discovered 
the  new  buckskins  laying  across  the  foot  of  his 
bed.  Then  he  thundered  in  good  earnest,  and 
hurled  all  the  expletives  in  the  language,  as  I  then 
supposed,  at  the  poor  boy's  head,  winding  up  with 
a  six-shooter  of  an  oath  and  an  order  to  quit  the 
room. 

Off  went  vest  and  off  went  pantaloons.  He 
seized  the  buckskins  with  both  hands,  inserted  his 
feet  in  the  waistbands,  and  gave  a  gigantic  tug. 
Alas !  and  alack-a-day !  I  don't  think  they  were 
large  enough  for  even  the  little  tailor  himself. 


166        THE  BIG-  BUCKSKIN  BREECHES. 

- 

They  had  been  stretched  to  their  utmost  limits  by 
his  violent  pull ;  and  there  they  were,  half  way 
on,  and  refusing  to  move  an  inch  up  or  down ; 
clinging  in  fact  to  his  limbs  with  the  tenacity  of 
the  Python  to  Laocoon.  He  tried  to  move,  and 
fell  sprawling  on  the  bed ;  then  he  raised  his  voice 
aloud  for  his  boy,  and  with  his  assistance  was 
Boon  seated  in  a  chair. 

The  servant  grasped  the  bottom  of  the  breeches, 
and  exerted  his  utmost  strength;  the  breeches 
would  not  give  an  inch. 

"  Stop,  sir" — thundered  out  the  General.  "  Do 
you  go  and  stand  there,  sir — there,  directly  in 
front  of  me,  while  I  curse  you,  sir." 

Such  a  torrent  of  imprecations  as  poured  forth 
from  his  lips  I  have  never  heard  before  nor  since, 
and  never  do  I  wish  to,  again.  When  he  had 
fairly  exhausted  himself  and  his  oaths,  he  wound 
up  the  performance  with  a  prayer. 

"  And  now,  sir,"  said  he,  "  1  pray  to  G—  that 
he  will  convert  you  into  a  living  statue ;  and  be- 
ginning at  your  feet,  with  living  fire  will  burn 
you  up  to  the  crown  of  your  head,  G —  d —  you, 
sir.  Now  pull  my  breeches  off,  sir." 

Having  treated  us  to  the  disgusting  and  horri- 
ble, down  town  he  marched,  after  breakfast,  to 
give  the  crowd  there  a  display  of  the  ludicrous 
and  ridiculous. 


SHAKE,  QTJAVER,  AND  BUN.  167 

The  street  was  fall,  and  a  particularly  large 
number  clustered  around  the  court-house.  Among 
them  the  General  looked  for  his  quarry.  Pre- 
sently he  espied  his  little  Dutch  friend,  and  his 
little  Dutch  friend  espied  him.  Now  the  Dutch- 
man, who  expected  nothing  less  than  a  league  of 
land,  as  a  present  and  reward  from  his  noble 
patron,  in  order  to  be  enabled  to  converse  with, 
and  conduct  himself  properly  towards  him,  and 
moreover,  to  conquer  the  mauvais  honte  which 
so  much  afflicted  him  before,  had  taken  occasion  to 
introduce  into  his  system  an  unusually  large  quan- 
tity of  Dutch  courage,  and  was  now  prepared  to 
meet  the  General  upon  equal  terms.  He  ad- 
vanced with  cordial  smile  and  extended  hand. 
The  General's  hand  was  extended  also,  and  you 
can  imagine  the  poor  tailor's  feelings  and  fright, 
when,  instead  of  a  friendly  greeting,  the  said  hand 
grasped  his  collar,  and  nearly  shook  his  soul  out, 
and  its  proprietor  poured  down  a  perfect  ava- 
lanche of  curses  upon  his  devoted  head. 

The  grasp  was  relaxed,  and  the  little  Dutch- 
man had  started  to  run  for  his  life,  when  the  Gen- 
eral roared  out — 

"  Stop,  sir !  I've  not  done  with  you,  sir.  I'm 
going  to  have  you  hung,  sir — higher  than  Haman, 
sir." 

Down  dropped  the  tailor  on  his  knees — he  had 


168  THE  BIG  BUCKSKIN  BREECBOES. 

no  doubt  about  the  hanging — and  begged  for  his 
life  like  a  good  fellow. 

"  Life !" — thundered  the  General — "  how  dare 
you  ask  for  your  life,  when  you've  spoiled  two  such 
pairs  of  buckskin  breeches.  Get  up,  sir  ;  go  in- 
stantly for  the  wretched  abortions,  sir;  then  march 
down  to  the  store,  sir,  and  pay  for  the  skins  you 
have  ruined,  sir.  I'll  give  you  ten  minutes  to  do 
it  in ;  and  if  I  ever  catch  you  in  this  town  again 
you  shall  be  hung,  sir,  before  you've  time  to  say 
your  prayers,  sir." 

Away  ran  the  tailor,  amid  a  running  accompa- 
niment of  laughter  from  the  crowd.  He  carried 
off  the  breeches,  but — probably  being  pressed  for 
time — did  not  pay  for  the  skins  ;  which  debt  the 
General  had  the  satisfaction  of  settling. 

The  poor  tailor  was  never  seen  in  this  town 
after  that  very  night.  He  decamped,  bag  and 
baggage — the  latter  including  his  vrow — for  the 
west." 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

THE  BRIDGE  ABRIDGED — AND  THE  PONS  ASINORUM. 

"  COME,  boys,"  exclaimed  Uncle  Billy,  "  I 
reckon  we've  had  a  right  smart  dose  of  this.  I 
opened  on  the  trail,  but  I'm  done  tired  out,  a 
hearin'  the  Ginral  cussed  and  dis-cussed.  I've 
hearn  that  he'd  got  religion,  and  come  out  straight 
as  a  rifle-barrel.1' 

"Agreed,"  said  Milward.  "And  now,  friend 
Sam,  you  gave  us  an  idea  that  you  were  originally 
intended  for  some  higher  career  than  peddling  and 
trading,  and  I  must  confess  it  surprises  me  that  a 
man  of  your  original  genius,  brilliant  capacities 
and " 

"  Oh,  psho !  You  git  out,  Milward,"  inter- 
rupted Bunce.  "  None  of  your  poking  fun  at  me. 
If  you  want  to  know  why  I  didn't  git  a  liberal  ed- 
ication,  and  piece  of  sheepskin,  givin'  me  the 
right  to  breed  fusses  amongst  my  neighbors  gin- 
rally,  HI  tell  ye. 

My  good  old  mother  was  the  Christopher  Co- 
lumbus that  first  discovered  my  wonderful  genus. 

169 


170  THE  BRIDGE  ABRIDGED. 

She  was  for  makin'  a  preacher  of  me  right  off. 
Father  wanted  me  to  stick  to  the  farm,  and  said 
edication  would  jest  be  ruination  ;  but  mother 
hung  on  so  like  all  possessed  that  he  had  to  give 
in  about  the  schooling  though  he  wouldn't  about 
my  bein'  made  a  preacher  on.  There  ain't  no 
priest-timber  in  him,  ses  he.  He's  got  a  nation 
sight  too  much  devilment  in  his  hide  for  either  min- 
ister or  doctor,  but  it  don't  take  much  stuff  to  make 
a  lawyer  on,  and  if  it's  rufage,  or  shaky,  or  a 
Bcant  pattern,  it  '11  do  to  get  some  kind  of  squire 
out  on." 

And  I  guess  the  old  man  was  more  '11  half 
right.  Take  the  lawyers  all  together,  and  they 
put  me  amazinly  in  mind  of  a  rail-road  : — First, 
there's  the  sleepers,  lazy  fellers,  allers  a  grovellin' 
in  the  dirt,  and  doin'  the  meanest  work,  and  flat 

down  on  their stomiks  ;  and  there  they  lie  till 

they  git  rottin'  and  then  they're  kicked  out,  and 
pitched  over  mighty  spry.  Then  come  the  string 
pieces — a  peg  above  the  sleepers — don't  do  quite 
so  much  dirty  work,  made  of  better  timber,  and  a 
little  more  keerful  dressed,  but  allers  held  down  in 
their  places  by  their  superiors.  Then  comes  the 
rails ;  there's  good  metal  in  them,  they're  the  lar, 
do  a  mighty  sight  of  work,  and  are  kept  amazin' 
bright  ginrally,  though  now  and  then  they  get 
rusty,  when  there  ain't  enough  bisness  doin' ;  and 


POLITICS  AND  PLATFOKM8  171 

sometimes  turn  ugly,  and  rise  up  snakes'  heads, 
and  play  thunder  with  lives  and  propety  trusted 
to  'em.  Last  of  all  is  the  great  iron  horse ;  he's 
the  big  bug — the  Judge  may-be — has  a  tender  to 
help  him,  that's  the  clerk;  allers  carries  weight; 
is  sure  to  have  a  great  crowd  of  folks  that  foller 
arter,  and  depend  on  him,  and  hangs  on  to  lots  of 
propety.  When  he  runs  off  the  track,  or  bursts 
up,  the  whole  people  know  it,  and  it's  in  all  the 
papers." 

"  A  fair  illustration,  Sam,"  interrupted  Mil- 
ward,  "but  what  do  you  do  with  switches  and 
switch  tenders,  engineers,  and  brakemen,  and 
id  omne  genus  ?" 

"  Why,  them  switches,  squire,  I  take  to  be  po- 
litikle  ingines,  and  the  tenders  is  the  wire-pullers. 
The  ingineers  and  brakemen,  they're  the  great 
people,  that  fire  up  the  ingine  when  it's  goin'  too 
slow,  and  hold  it  in  when  it's  goin'  too  fast.  Last 
of  all,  there's  the  platforms,  allers  a  gittin'  old  and 
rotten,  and  wantin7  new  planks  !  Some  folks  get 
out  on  one,  and  some  on  another,  and  some  make 
it  a  pint  to  try  evry  platform  on  the  hull  road,  ef 
they  kin  git  a  chance. 

Well,  this  isn't  gittin'  ahead  with  my  story,  not 
by  a  jug-full ;  so  here  goes. 

I  was  sent  to  Primville  academy — they  didn't 
have  institutes  in  them  days — and  as  there  wasn't 


172  THE  BRIDGE  ABRIDGED. 

any  boardin'  house  to  it,  the  boys  was  scattered 
putty  much  all  over  town.  I  stopped  with  Doc- 
tor Lovejoy,  though  father  wanted  to  get  me  in  at 
the  principal's,  but  he  was  full. 

"Now,  Jed,"  says  he,  when  he  left  me,  "you'll 
be  mixed  up  with  all  kinds  of  boys ;  try  and  pick 
out  good  companions ;  don't  be  mean,  but  don't 
throw  your  money  away ;"  (he  had  been  liberal 
to  me,  that's  a  fact,)  "  hold  yer  head  up  with  the 
best  of  'em ;  and  though  I  ain't  much  faith  in  yer 
bein'  a  genus,  try  yer  best,  and  may-be  ye'll  dis- 
tinguish yerself — who  knows  ?" 

I  did — I  distinguished  myself  afore  the  week 
was  out,  and  had  did  consideble  towards  it  the 
first  day.  The  boys  had  just  lost  their  leader; 
he'd  distinguished  himself \  and  got  leave  to  stay 
to  hum  at  the  eend  of  the  last  term.  Now  I  do 
cal'late  I  was  jest  about  as  full  of  it  when  I  was  a 
boy,  as  the  next  one  anywhere,  and  though  green 
as  a  punkin,  yet  the  others  was  city  raised,  and 
not  quite  up  to  country  tricks,  and  somehow  I 
stepped  right  into  the  leader's  empty  shoes  as 
slick  as  grease.  < 

There  was -a  good  many  apples  missin'  in  the 
principal's  orchard,  and  quite  a  pile  stowed  away 
in  the  Doctor's  garret,  the  first  night.  The  next, 
I  diskivered  a  way  of  gettin'  out  of  our  room  win- 
der onto  the  shed,  and  then  crawlin'  into  the  but- 


"  SUMMARY"  PROCEEDINGS  OF  MRS.  "  WINTER."  173 

tery.  There  wasn't  as  many  punkin  pies,  by  two, 
found  next  mornin',  and  a  plate  of  doughnuts  was 
among  the  missin'. 

The  Doctor's  folks  didn't  say  nothin',  but  there 
was  a  curus  piece  of  slit-work  nailed  up  to  the 
buttery  winder  next  day,  and  the  supply  of  pies 
and  doughnuts  was  cut  off. 

I  found  the  boys  was  dredful  ignorant ;  didn't 
know  nothin'  about  rabbit  twich-ups,  nor  pat- 
ridge  snares.  So  I  took  up  teaching  and  it's  asto- 
nishin'  how  quick  they  larnt.  The  swamp  was 
a  full  mile  off,  and  as  we  had  to  take  a  squint  at 
our  snares  right  after  breakfast,  consequence  was, 
when  the  bell  rung  not  half  the  boys  was  in  the 
academy.  'Twasn't  long  afore  they  found  out 
who  showed  the  boys  how  to  set  snares  ;  then  my 
troubles  begun,  and  the  boys  who  wasn't  in  their 
seats  at  the  right  time  was  put  through  a  certin 
exercise,  that  made  settin'  down  plaguy  uneasy  the 
rest  of  the  day. 

I'd  had  some  consideble  practice  in  smokin' 
native  segars,  so  I  interduced  the  fashion,  and  it 
spread  amazinly.  One  night  the  Docter's  boys 
went  over  to  see  Winter's  boys.  Winter  was  the 
principal.  I  treated  to  segars,  and  we  was  a  puf- 
fin' away  like  steam-ingins.  when  the  door  opens, 
and  in  come  Miss  Winter.  She  was  a  regler  vine- 
gar bottle,  the  boys  was  feared  to  death  on  her. 


174  THE  BRIDGE  ABRIDGED. 

Ses  she,  "Young  gentleman,  smokin'  is  not 
allowed  here,  but  when  you  want  to  smoke  please 
to  walk  down  in  my  parler,  you  and  your  friends." 
And  out  she  went. 

It  was  prayer-meetin'  night,  and  the  folks  allers 
attended.  So  I  cut  out,  and  traded  for  a  big  lot 
of  segars,  down  we  went  inter  the  parler — that 
never  saw  light  onst  a  month — and  we  soon  had 
it  so  full  of  smoke  you  could'nt  see  acrost  the 
room. 

Bimeby  the  folks  got  back,  and  as  Miss  Winter 
passed  the  door,  I  could  hear  her  snuff  her  nose, 
and  say, 

"  Smoke  for  certin.  Them  wretches  has  been 
at  it  agin."  And  up  stairs  she  bolted,  but  there 
wasn't  any  smoke  there.  Over  the  house  she 
went,  inter  every  room  but  ours  ;  then  down  cel- 
lar. At  last  our  door  opened  ;  and  the  nation  !  if 
I  ever  saw  a  woman  bilin'  over,  it  was  her.  She 
ketched  up  a  shovel  and  fetched  one  of  the  boys 
a  "  spang"  with  the  flat  of  it,  and  laid  him  out 
putty  straight.  The  old  man  run  in  badly  scared, 
catched  hold  on  her,  jerk'd  the  shovel  away,  and 
picked  up  the  boy,  who  wasn't  hurt  much  arter 
all,  but  was  smart  enough  to  play  possum ;  and 
when  he  got  ready,  come  to,  and  grunted  and 
groaned  dreadful. 

"  Now  *bat  the  boy  has  recovered,  and  there's 


MISCHIEF  AFOOT.  175 

no  serus  mischief  done,"  ses  Winter,  "  I'd  jest  like 
to  know  what  possess'd  you  to  come  into  my  best 
room  and  defile  it  with  filthy  smoke." 

"  /  told  the  rascals  to,"  ses  his  wife,  "  but 
hadn't  any  idee  they'd  have  impedence  enough  to 
do  it." 

"This  is  a  bad  business,"  ses  he,  "but  under  the 
circumstances  I  shall  pass  it  over,  and  let  his  pun- 
ishment— pintin'  to  the  boy  with  his  head  broke 
— answer  for  all.  I  hope  you'll  take  warnin'  by 
this,  of  the  danger  of  such  pranks  ;  and  now,  you 
that  belong  here  retire  to  your  rooms,  and  you 
that  do  not,  to  your  respective  homes." 

If  it  hadn't  been  for  that  lick  with  the  shovel 
wouldn't  we  have  ketch'd  it,  though. 

There  was  two  depity  masters,  one  of  'em  a 
rale  bunkum  chap,  that  the  boys  all  liked  and 
minded,  and  t'other  a  cross-grained,  ugly  critter, 
that  was  allers  a  pickin'  a  hole  in  the  boy's  coats. 
We'd  kept  a  sharp  look  out  for  a  chance'  to  pay 
him  off,  and  at  last  it  come. 

There  was  a  law  that  no  teacher  ner  boy  should 
go  more'n  a  mile  from  the  academy  without 
informin'  the  principal,  exceptin'  on  our  two  half 
holidays.  Now,  some  on  us  found  out  that  Dolit- 
tle — that  was  the  cross  one — used  to  go  off  a 
sparkin'  most  every  night,  and  sneak  off  through 
the  fields,  arter  dark. 


176  THE  BRIDGE  ABRIDGED. 

On  this  track  he  had  to  cross  a  wide  and  awful 
muddy  brook,  and  there  we  sat  our  trap. 

One  chilly  night,  arter  dark,  a  boy  saw  him 
inakin7  a  straight  coat-tail  for  the  brook,  and  we 
got  all  ready  for  him. 

Ten  o'clock  come,  and  four  on  us  sneaked  out, 
pesky  quiet,  and  lined  it  for  the  bridge.  The 
time  was  beautiful  for  our  fun  and  no  mistake ; 
the  sky  had  all  clouded  over,  and  one  of  them 
nasty  Scotch  mists  was  a  fallin'. 

We  took  off  four  of  the  middle  planks  of  the 
bridge,  and  then  hid  away  in  the  bushes  by  the 
brook,  and  it  wasn't  long  afore  we  heard  his  long 
legs  and  big  feet  a  comin'. 

Tramp,  tramp,  tramp — and  then  kersouse  he 
went  into  the  mud  and  water.  Didn't  he  holler  ? 
and  when  he  crawled  out,  maybe  he  didn't  swear 
like  a  trooper.  We  kept  monstrous  still,  for  the 
only  danger  we  was  in  was  of  gettin'  a  lickin7  on 
the  spot.  We  knew  the  critter  dasent  make  any 
fuss  in  school  about  it.  I  tell  ye  we  give  him  a 
wide  berth  and  a  chance  to  get  most  hum,  afore 
we  started  off  another  way,  got  to  our  house, 
and  crawled  onto  the  shed  and  inter  the  winder. 

Didn't  we  laugh  then  though — woke  up  the 
hull  house,  and  the  Docter  came  up  to  see  what 
was  to  pay;  but  he  found  us  all  asleep  and  a 


THE  FAT  IN  THE  FIEE.  177 

Next  day  Dolittle  looked  as  good-natur'd  as  a 
bear  with  a  sore  head,  watched  all  the  boys  sharp 
as  a  needle,  and  would  have  paddled  the  hull 
bilin'  if  he'  a  dared  to. 

He  suspicioned  me  from  the  first,  and  plagued 
me  most  to  death  with  his  lessons.  I  was  dread- 
ful backward,  couldn't  make  head  ner  tail  of 
grammar,  and  didn't  take  to  nothin'  but  'rithme- 
tic,  and  so,  to  bother  me  about  ciphering  the 
skunk  set  me  to  work  on  algebry — there  I  got 
stalled  right  off. 

One  day  ses  he  to  me,  right  loud,  too,  afore  the 
hull  school — 

"  You're  a  putty  feller  to  train  for  college,  Jed- 
ediah — can't  do  a  sum  in  algebry,  not  in  simple 
addition;  what '11  you  do  in  joinetry?  Do  you 
ever  think  you'll  get  over  the  asses  bridge  ?" 

I  blazed  right  out,  and  ses  I,  "not  if  you  was  to 
take  off  the  middle  planks,  mister?' 

The  fat  was  all  in  the  fire,  and  I'd  made  an 
inimy  for  life,  and  't  wasn't  long  afore  I  felt  him 
too ;  for  Mr.  Winter  was  took  sick,  and  went  to 
the  shore,  and  Dolittle  was  left  head  master. 

The  term  was  most  done,  and  I  went  so  mighty 
straight  that  he  couldn't  get  ary  hold  on  me ;  but 
•when  the  last  night  come,  the  boys  that  wasn't 
comin7  back  set  out  to  do  a  leetle  job  they'd  plan- 
ned long  ago — to  give  the  tithing  man  a  benefit — • 
12 


178  THE  BRIDGE  ABRIDGED. 

and  the  old  Kick  put  it  into  my  head  to  go  'long 
with  'em. 

"We  raised  a  bang  up  tin-kettle  and  cow-horn 
band,  and  played  away  beautiful.  That  didn't 
seem  to  worry  him  ;  and  as  there  was  a  big  stun 
heap  clus  by,  we  thought  we'd  jest  try  what  virtu 
was  in  'em, — as  the  spellin'-book  says.  Bang  went 
one  volley  agin  the  winders.  There  was  a  stirrin' 
in  the  house  then,  I  guess ;  and  jest  as  bang  went 
number  two,  a  winder  was  jerked  up  and  whang 
went  an  old  musket  slap  at  us,  and  we  peeled  it 
for  hum  as  if  the  old  sarpent  was  behind.  Next 
mornin'  we  was  all  ready  for  the  stages,  when 
long  comes  a  constable  and  takes  us  all  up,  and  if 
we  didn't  feel  mean  it's  a  pity. 

Old  Squire  Middleton,  a  lawyer,  heard  of  it, 

and  come  right  over  to  the  Justice's,  and  bailed 

us  all  out.     Then  he  took  the  biggest  boy  with 

him,  and  tellin'  us  to  keep  together,  and  not  go 

away  fur  off,  they  two  went  together. 

In  half  an  hour  back  they  come,  and  the  squire 

went  up  to  the  justice  as  bold  as  a  lion,  and  called 

for  our  discharge. 

"  On  what  grounds,  Mr.  Middleton?"  asked  the 

justice. 

"  Because,  sir,  this  young  gentleman  has  settled 

with  the  complainant,  which  clears  the  hull  party. 

Here  is  the  resate,  yer  honor,"  answered  the  squire. 


SAM  RECEIVES  A  "  QUILTING."  179 

"  And  for  nine  shillins!"  said  the  justice,  lookin' 
at  the  resate.  "What  an  ass!  Sarves  him  jest 
right,  too.  Boys,  you're  discharged,  and  don't  let 
me  ketch  you  here  agin.37 

I  went  hum  in  the  stage  that  day,  and  had  a 
feller  passenger  I  didn't  know  on — a  letter  to  my 
father  from  Dolittle — and  in  it  was  a  full  and  per- 
tickler  account — as  the  papers  say — of  all  my 
scrapes,  and  a  good  many  more  I'd  never  thought 
on. 

Father  never  let  on  till  next  day;  and  then 
invited  me  to  the  barn ;  and  when  we  was  fairly 
inside,  he  pulls  out  the  letter,  and  ses  he,  , 

"  My  son,  the  teacher  writes  thai  your  head's 
too  thick  to  hold  anythin7  but  mischief,  and 
is  not  impressible.  Now  I'm  goin'  to  try  whether 
t'other  eend  is  er  not." 

He  give  me  the  awfullest  quiltin'  I  ever  had  in 
my  born  days. 

And  that's  the  way,  Mr.  Milward,  that  I  lost 
my  liberal  edication." 

"But  the  moral,  Sam,  the  moral,"  said  Mil- 
ward.  "  Your  stories  are  like  wasps — the  sting  is 
always  in  the  tail." 

"  I'm  afear'd,  squire,"  replied  Bunce — "  I'm 
afear'd  there  ain't  much  moral  to  it,  but  rayther 
t'other  way.  If  there's  any,  it  shows  that  it  won't 
do  to  make  too  free  on  a  ginral  invite ;  and  it 


180  THE  BRIDGE  ABRIDGED. 

ain't  over  safe  to  throw  stuns  at  winders  when 
there's  a  loaded  musket  on  t'other  side  of  the 
panes,  ner  to  cut  up  shines  with  folks  in  au- 
thority. 

"  It's  mighty  dry  talkin'  so  long,  squire  ;  and  I 
guess  my  time's  out  for  a  while.  And,  as  the 
majer's  either  stupid  or  half  asleep,  I'd  like  to 
know  what  sent  a  quiet,  peaceable  man  like  you 
to  Texas." 


CHAPTER  xyni. 

'36  AND  '42 — AN  INVITATION  TO  A  FEOLIO. 

"  As  our  friend,  Sam  Slick,  here,"  commenced 
Milward,  "  has  been  so  free  with  his  experience,  I 
feel  it  rather  a  duty  to  impart  a  few  of  my  confes- 
sions, for  his  benefit  and  that  of  the  company. 

My  first  appearance  in  New  Orleans  was  in  the 
early  part  of  '36,  and  just  after  the  news  of  the 
fall  of  the  Alamo  reached  that  city.  New  Or- 
leans was  never  particularly  noted  for  the  equable 
temperance  of  its  inhabitants  ;  and  this  news  fol- 
lowing close  upon  the  heels  of  the  infamous  mas- 
sacre of  Fannin'  and  his  men,  and  Santa  Anna's 
bombastic  and  exceedingly  Mexican  proclamation, 
in  which  he  announced  that  "  he  was  on  his  way 
to  exterminate  every  Texan,  and  that  he  would 
carry  his  victorious  flag  across  the  Sabine,  and 
plant  it  in  Washington/' — made  the  inhabitants 
about  as  amiable  and  peaceably  inclined  as  a  she 
bear,  who  has  just  lost  her  cubs. 

Meetings  were  held,  men  raised  and  armed,  ves. 
sels  fitted  out,  money  subscribed  and  collected — 

181 


182     '36  AND  '42 — AN  INVITATION  TO  A  FROLIC. 

all  done  openly  and  above  board.  "No  talk  of 
"filibustering"  then,  or  of  stopping  recruits,  but  the 
meetings  were  held  in  the  most  public  places,  and 
the  calls  for  men  were  posted  in  flaming  handbills 
all  over  the  city. 

To  cap  the  climax,  poor  old  General  Gaines 
took  fire  in  a  moment,  and  without  waiting  for 
any  orders  from  head-quarters,  drew  off  the  Uni- 
ted States  troops  from  New  Orleans  and  Baton 
Rouge;  put  up  his  handbills  calling  for  volun- 
teers, and  with  all  the  men  at  hand,  off  he  started 
for  Texas — leaving  orders  for  the  volunteers  to 
follow — steamed  it  up  the  Red  River,  and  not 
only  marched  his  little  army  to  the  frontier,  but 
absolutely  crossed  it,  and  advanced  an  hundred 
miles  into  the  Mexican  territory,  to  meet  the  inso- 
lent foe. 

For  all  this,  I  believe  he  did  not  receive  even  a 
reprimand.  Those  days — as  you  are  aware — were 
very  different  from  the  present  times  of  quick 
communication  ;  there  was  no  telegraph  at  work, 
and  if  there  had  been  I  do  not  believe  that  it 
would  have  made  any  difference  in  the  old  war- 
rior's movements. 

If  there  ever  was  a  truly  chivalrous  officer  in 
our  army ;  if  there  ever  was  a  man  perfectly  idol- 
ized by  the  South,  it  was  he.  At  this  time  he 
had  just  returned  from  his  most  disastrous  cam- 


INDEPENDENT  VOLUNTEEKS.  183 

paign  in  Florida,  and  we  would  have  supposed 
that  the  results  of  flying  directly  in  the  face  and 
eyes  of  all  authority,  would  have  satisfied  him  for 
a  while,  but  before  he  had  time  even  to  receive  an 
official  rap  on  the  knuckles  for  one  escapade,  off 
he  bolts  upon  another." 

"What  previous  affair  do  you  refer  to,  Mr.  Mil- 
ward  ?"  interrupted  Dr.  Allen. 

"  To  his  scrape,"  continued  Milward,  "  in  the 
late  Seminole  war.  When  it  was  found  that  the 
Indians  were  not  to  be  subdued  by  any  such  force 
as  could  be  raised  on  the  spot,  the  government 
despatched  General  Scott  to  collect  an  army  of 
volunteers  in  South  Carolina,  Georgia,  Alabama 
and  Louisiana.  The  general  went  in  person  to 
Charleston,  Savannah,  Augusta,  Milledgeville  and 
Macon,  to  superintend  the  embarkation  of  the 
troops;  but  the  Alabama  men  rendezvoused  at 
Mobile,  and  both  they  and  the  New  Orleans  vol- 
unteers refused  to  move  a  peg  under  any  other 
commander  than  Gaines,  whose  command  truly 
covered  the  seat  of  war  and  the  States  where  the 
army  was  raised,  and  he  at  that  time  was  Scott's 
senior  officer. 

Gaines,  terribly  irritated  at  being  superseded 
as  it  were,  by  Scott,  did  not  require  much  persua- 
sion to  take  the  command.     The  troops  were  but 
volunteers,  after  all,  and  could  not  be  forced  to 


184      '36  AND  42 — AN  INVITATION  TO  A  FROLIC. 

leave  their  own  State  and  wage  war  upon  the  soil 
of  any  other;  so  that  the  general  had  at  least 
some  show  of  reason  for  his  conduct ;  but,  as  the 
result  proved,  it  would  have  been  infinitely  wiser 
to  have  disbanded  these  men,  and  sent  them 
home. 

Gaines  marched  his  small  force  as  far  as  the 
Withlacooche,  and  there  the  Indians  met  and  sur- 
rounded him.  He  was  forced  to  camp,  build  a 
fort,  and  lay  still,  and  at  last — the  worst  and  un- 
kindest  cut  of  all  to  the  poor  general — he  had  to 
despatch  a  messenger  to  Scott,  to  hasten  to  his 
aid ;  and  Scott,  abandoning  his  plan  of  the  cam- 
paign, returned  to  help  him  out  of  the  scrape. 

In  this  manner  the  whole  campaign  was  in  fact 
frustrated,  and  rendered  worse  than  useless;  it 
injured  the  morale  of  our  men,  and  gave  the  sava- 
ges encouragement  to  protract  the  war,  as  they 
did  for  three  years  ;  and  I  believe  upon  my  word, 
if  Colonel  Harney  had  not  adopted  the  very  hu- 
mane plan  of  hanging  every  Indian  that  he  could 
lay  hands  upon,  they  would  be  at  it  yet." 

"  Something  similar,"  said  I,  "  to  Colonel 
Wood's  plan  for  terminating  the  Mexican  war. 
After  the  taking  of  Monterey  he  returned  to 
Houston,  and  there,  in  compliance  with  the 
request  of  the  citizens,  delivered  a  lecture  upon 
the  Mexican  war  ;  in  which,  after  describing  the 


NEWS  OF  VICTOEY.  185 

very  charitable  system  adopted  with  regard  to  our 
enemies,  said  there  was  but  one  practicable  way 
to  terminate  the  war,  and  that  was,  whenever  you 
saw  a  Mexican  to  shoot  him.  Harney,  whenever 
he  caught  an  Indian,  hung  him — a  plan,  however 
objectionable  on  the  score  of  humanity,  that  pro- 
ved remarkably  successful  in  its  results." 

"  The  entire  southwest,"  continued  Milward, 
"  was  up  and  arming.  I  left  New  Orleans  on  the 
morning  the  report  of  San  Jacinto  fight  had  been 
received.  I  was  bound  for  Port  Gibson,  and 
chanced  to  be  the  first  who  carried  the  joyful 
news  to  that  place.  I  arrived  just  at  the  close  of 
a  meeting  of  planters  and  merchants,  who  had 
instantly  raised  the  necessary  funds  for  sending  a 
full  company  of  volunteers  for  Texas,  and  the 
ranks  had  been  filled  up  in  half  an  hour.  I  told 
them  that  they  were  too  late,  the  thing  was  done, 
the  child  born  and  christened — and  his  name  was 
Sam,  I  might  have  added ;  although,  when  I 
think  of  it,  it  was  called  "  Kusk"  in  those  days — 
that  the  fight  was  fought  and  the  battle  won, 
Santa  Anna  and  Cos  prisoners,  and  Texas  free. 

Of  course  there  was  an  universal  shout  at  the 
news ;  but  to  have  looked  at  the  volunteers,  you 
would  have  supposed  that  some  terrible  disaster 
had  befallen  the  Texan  arms,  instead  of  the 
achievement  of  a  great  victory.  They  were — as 


186     '36  AND  '42 — AN  INVITATION  TO  A  FROLIC. 

they  termed  it — fairly  froze  for  a  fight ;  and  one 
poor  fellow  sat  down,  and  cried  like  a  child. 
Many  refused  to  believe  it,  and  I  was  certainly 
the  most  unpopular  man  in  town. 

The  enthusiasm  of  these  fire-eaters  was  infec- 
tious, and  then  I  experienced  the  first  symptoms 
of  the  Texas  fever. 

The  next  spring  another  grand  invasion  was 
threaten'd,  and  another  call  for  volunteers  went 
forth.  Things  did  not  work  so  easily,  however ; 
money  and  men  came  in  sparingly.  New  Orleans 
was  flooded  with  recruiting  officers,  and  I  obtained 
a  commission  and  went  to  work.  Before  our 
respective  corps  were  completed,  the  affair  was 
over ;  there  was  to  be  no  fighting  after  all. 

The  men  and  most  of  the  officers  went  on.  I 
did  not.  A  campaign  was  what  I  wanted,  not  the 
routine  of  camp  duty — living  on  prairie  beef  with- 
out salt,  with  no  amusement,  save  the  quarrels  of 
the  men  over  a  game  of  poker,  or  the  duels  of  the 
officers,  founded  upon  some  point  of  precedence, 
or  imaginary  honor.  So  I  resigned,  and  staid  at 
home. 

In  the  spring  of  '42  I  had  another,  and  perhaps 
I  might  say  a  fatal  attack  of  the  disease.  It  cer- 
tainly carried  the  patient  off.  Sam  Houston,  in  a 
flaming  proclamation  to  all  the  world  and  the  rest 
of  mankind,  declared  his  intention  of  revelling  in 


THE  COW  DRIVERS.  187 

the  halls  of  the  Montezumas;  and  those  who  knew 
him  had  no  doubt  of  the  'revelling'  part  of  the 
business,  if  he  could  only  once  get  in.  He  very 
hospitably  invited  ten  thousand  gentlemen  from 
the  States  to  join  in  the  frolic. 

Whether  or  not,  the  distinguished  General  was 
revelling  himself  at  the  time  of  this  liberal  issue 
of  cards  for  a  select  party,  is  yet  a  mooted 
point. 

Perhaps  he  only  wanted  to  create  a  sensation, 
and  to  allay  the  Western  irritation  caused  by  his 
suppression  of  the  "  Cow-drivers,"  who  would 
certainly  have  conquered  Mexico,  if  let  alone. 

The  border  foragers  in  the  good  old  times  of 
English  and  Scottish  warfare  were  nothing  to 
these  men. 

They  formed  in  companies,  rendezvoused  at 
Bexar,  crossed  the  Bio  Grande,  and  drove  off 
every  hoof  they  met  with.  Every  man  was  pro- 
vided with  rifle,  bowie  knife,  a  belt  full  of  pistols 
and  a  spare  horse  or  two.  If  the  party  was  small, 
a  caviarde  of  horses  would  be  staked  out  and  left 
perhaps  sixty  miles  from  the  field  of  their  intended 
operations;  another,  some  thirty  miles  further  on, 
and  a  man  dropped  to  look  after  each  drove.  This 
was  done,  so  that  if  sharply  pursued,  they  might 
have  fresh  horses  at  hand  to  escape — with  their 
booty,  if  they  could  ;  without  it,  if  they  must. 


188      '36  AND  '42 — AN  INVITATION  TO  A  FROLIC. 

They  carried  things  at  last  very  far  indeed — in 
fact  as  far  as  Metamoras,  and  a  large  and  daring 
company  of  men  absolutely  drove  off  a  caviarde 
of  horses,  in  sight  of  the  eyes  and  under  the  noses 
of  their  cowardly  foes. 

Arriving  at  Bexar,  the  men  usually  quarter'd 
in  the  old  church  of  the  Alamo,  sent  for  a  barrel 
of  whiskey,  knocked  the  head  in,  built  a  camp  fire 
on  the  stone  floor,  and  kept  open  house  while  the 
whiskey  lasted,  which  was  usually  until  near 
morning.  The  next  day  their  booty  was  disposed 
of,  generally  at  auction  ;  all  the  fine  horses  bring- 
ing large  prices. 

A  few  days  of  frolic  by  day,  and  poker  and 
fandango  by  night — with  depleted  pockets,  and 
their  old  thirst  for  adventure  urging  them  on — off 
they  would  go  on  a  new  expedition,  generally 
with  recruited  numbers. 

This  system  worked  admirably,  and  while  it 
lasted  San  Antonio  de  Bexar  was  decidedly  the 
greatest  place  out  of  jail.  The  speculators  and 
merchants  bought  the  cattle  and  horses  for  money, 
which  was  sure  to  be  left  in  town,  all  ready  for 
the  next  drove. 

The  Cow-drivers  increased  rapidly,  in  numbers, 
skill,  and  daring.  Banded  together,  they  could 
have  swept  the  valley  of  the  Rio  Grande.  From 
being  a  great  annoyance  to  the  enemy,  they  had 


ARRIVAL  OF  THE  GUESTS.  189 

grown  into  an  imminent  danger.  There  was  no 
telling  how  soon  they  might  take  it  into  their  au- 
dacious heads  to  combine  and  sack  Mier  or  even 
Metamoras ;  and  so,  according  to  Houston's  policy, 
they  must  be  suppressed. 

What  this  policy  was,  it  is  difficult  to  deter- 
mine ;  the  result  was  easy  to  be  seen — the  depopu- 
lation and  ruin  of  the  West.  The  cause  was  the 
difficulty,  and  the  people  were  divided  in  their 
opinion,  some  supposing  that  he  acted  under  the 
golden  rule,  of '  returning  good  for  evil,  and  ab- 
stained carefully  from  inflicting  any  injury  upon 
our  enemies ;  others  asserting  that  he  feared  some 
military  exploit  might  obscure  the  glory  of  the 
one  of  San  Jacinto. 

I  will  return  to  his  proclamation.  Probably  to 
his  surprise,  the  guests  began  to  arrive  in  rather 
troublesome  numbers.  No  less  a  personage  than 
an  ex-governor  of  a  leading  southern  State  turned 
out,  and  raised  a  regiment;  Congress  met,  gave 
Houston  full  powers  to  push  on  the  invasion, 
opened  their  treasury,  which  didn't  amount  to 
much,  and  granted  ten  millions  of  acres  of  land, 
which  amounted  to  more. 

For  the  system  of  fighting  pursued  by  the  Tex- 
ans  however,  but  little  was  required.  The  men 
simply  wanted  ammunition,  provisions,  and  a 
chance  to  fight.  If  necessary,  they  could  and 


190      '36  AND  '42 — AN  INVITATION  TO  A  FKOLIO. 

generally  did  find  these  themselves  ;  carrying 
their  own  powder  and  ball;  fighting  with  their 
own  rifles,  and  riding  their  own  horses ;  and  for 
food,  prairie  beef,  to  which  they  helped  them- 
selves. 

As  for  artillery,  every  attempt  made  with  it 
proved  its  inutility,  and  the  certainty  of  its  impe- 
ding operations. 

What  then  prevented  a  campaign,  at  least  to 
sweep  the  valley  of  the  Bio  Grande  ?  It  could 
have  been  conducted  without  one  dollar,  if  ne- 
cessary. What  then  prevented  it  ?  Houston's 
policy. 

The  guests  arrived  ;  the  war-spirit  of  the  whole 
republic  was  aroused.  Congress  urged  on  the 
measure,  and — Houston  vetoed  the  bill. 

He  fired  the  train,  and  then  threw  a  bucket  of 
cold  water  upon  it.  In  fact,  acted  like  a  boy, 
who,  stumbling  upon  some  book  of  Gramarye, 
has,  to  his  utter  amazement  raised  the  devil,  and 
don't  know  how  the  deuce  to  lay  him.  Sam's 
devil  has  not  been  laid  yet ;  during  the  fall  of  J42 
he  raged  so  fiercely  in  the  West  that  an  universal 
execration  went  forth,  coupled  with  threats,  which 
were  certainly  in  bad  taste,  and  doubtless  would 
not  have  been  carried  into  effect  even  had 
the  opportunity  offered,  although  Houston  once 


191 

deemed  it  expedient  to  evacuate  Galveston  in  a 
hurry. 

As  I  was  saying,  in  the  spring  of  this  said  year 
I  took  the  fever ;  in  the  early  part  of  summer  it 
carried  me  off.  A  large  number  of  volunteers  lay 
in  New  Orleans,  and  the  only  practicable  mode  of 
transportation  was  the  steamer  "  Zavalla."  After, 
waiting  a  month,  she  took  off  half  our  company. 
The  officers  remained  with  the  other  half.  As  the 
steamer  was  to  undergo  repairs,  it  would  certainly 
be  another  month  before  we  could  be  removed. 
Something  must  be  done.  Our  military  chest  was 
nonest — the  men  wearing  out  their  clothes  and 
getting  into  all  sorts  of  scrapes.  Such  a  set  of 
rapscallions  no  mortal  hath  seen  before ;  soldiers 
every  man  of  them,  and  most  of  them  had  seen 
service. 

No  company  had  hitherto  marched  across  coun- 
try to  Houston,  but  some  one  must  be  the  first  in 
doing  everything,  and  we  determined  to  try  it." 

"Texas  mout  hev  gone  to  thunder,  afore  I'd 
hev  did  it,"  interrupted  Uncle  Billy,  whose  sleepy 
fit  had  left  him,  and  who  had  been  paying  great 
attention  to  Milward's  story. 


CHAPTER  XIX. 

THE  FAN-TAILED  STEAMEK — A  FAST  CRAB. 

"!N  full  sight  of  all  who  walked  upon  the 
Levee,"  resumed  Milward,  "  lay  the  Texan  fleet, 
thoroughly  repaired,  armed,  manned  and  equip- 
ped ;  two  vessels — the  sloop  of  war  Austin  and 
gun-brig  Wharton.  They  could  have  carried 
every  volunteer  over  with  perfect  ease ;  but  the 
fleet  under  the  command  of  Commodore  More — 
a  better  and  braver  sailor  than  whom  never 
walked  the  quarter  deck — was  the  very  thorniest 
of  all  thorns  in  the  Mexican  sides. 

Houston  could  not  keep  More  from  fighting, 
whenever  there  was  a  chance,  and  so  it  was  part 
of  Houston's  policy  to  destroy  the  fleet.  His  plan 
to  do  this  was  good,  decidedly ;  but  More  was  one 
too  many  for  him,  and  some  more  to  boot.  Hous- 
ton sent  the  fleet  to  New  Orleans  for  repairs,  and 
having  run  them  in  debt,  no  money  was  forth- 
coming to  release  them  from  it.  The  fleet  was 
represented  to  Congress  as  a  great  and  useless 
192 


PROSPECTS  OF  A  FIGHT.  193 

expense,  and  just  after  the  time  that  Mexico  de- 
clared all  the  ports  of  Texas  nnder  blockade,  three 
commissioners  were  sent  to  New  Orleans  to  sell 
the  fleet. 

More  had  friends  in  camp,  and  got  wind  of  the 
matter ;  but  before  this  occurred,  the  Yucatan 
troubles  had  culminated.  Houston's  friend,  Santa 
Anna,  determined  that  free  they  should  not  be, 
any  how,  and  so  sent  an  army — respectable  as  far 
as  numbers  went — to  invest  the  capital  by  land, 
and  a  fleet,  comprising  two  large  war  steamers, 
the  "  Montezuma"  and  the  "  Guadaloupe" — fur- 
nished by  John  Bull  on  credit,  intended  for  our 
benefit,  and  partly  officered  by  Englishmen — and 
several  sailing  vessels,  to  assail  it  by  sea. 

Lorenzo  de  Zavalla,  the  son  of  our  first  Vice 
President,  and  the  son-in-law  of  the  Governor  of 
Yucatan,  hastened  to  New  Orleans  with  a  long 
purse.  He  offered  to  pay  all  bills  already  incur- 
red, and  furnish  all  necessary  funds,  if  More  would 
go  down  the  coast  and  treat  the  new  frigates  and 
the  fleet  generally  to  a  little  Yankee  thunder. 

More  jumped  at  the  offer  ;  it  suited  him  exactly, 
and  was  perfectly  in  his  line  of  duty.  All  neces- 
sary preparations  were  hurried  up,  and  the  fleet 
on  the  eve  of  sailing,  when  the  commissioners 
came. 

The  board  arrived  ;  the  chairman,  Colonel  Mor- 
13 


194:      THE  FAN-TAILED  STEAMER — A  FAST  CRAB. 

gan,  of  New  Washington,  took  boat,  and  boarded 
the  Austin,  where  More  was  walking  the  deck 
and  looking  out  for  him.  Morgan  was  invited 
into  the  cabin,  and  there  More  immediately  told 
him  that  he  knew  his  purpose,  but  requested  if  he 
had  any  papers  in  his  pocket  that  he  would  keep 
them  there  for  the  present.  He  represented  the 
disgrace  that  would  inevitably  fall  upon  Texas 
should  the  compact  with  her  ally,  Yucatan,  not  be 
fulfilled ;  that  a  fortnight  would  be  sufficient  for 
its  performance ;  that  Texas  would  reap  a  pecu- 
niary benefit  from  it,  arid  that  finally  Morgan 
should  accompany  him,  share  the  glory,  and  as 
soon  as  the  affair  was  over,  the  vessels  should  be 
delivered  up.  To  all  this  Colonel  Morgan  agreed. 
The  fleet  sailed  immediately,  and  on  their  voy- 
age an  episode  occurred,  which  is  well  worthy 
of  being  mentioned.  While  laying  at  New  Or- 
leans, More  discovered  that  a  mutiny  and  plan  for 
the  seizure  of  his  ship  was  on  foot.  Before  the 
vessels  reached  the  Balize  six  ringleaders  were 
tried,  condemned,  and,  as  soon  as  the  "  Austin" 
was  fairly  at  sea,  hung  from  the  yard-arm.  This 
was  at  the  very  time  of  the  attempted  mutinies  on 
the  United  States  brig  "  Somers"  and  the  sloop  of 
war  "  John  Adams."  The  Texan  armed  schooner 
" San  Antonio,"  then  at  sea,  was  nevermore  heard 
from,  and  I  have  not  the  least  doubt  of  the  exist- 


THE  MEXICANS  OATOH  IT.  195 

ence  of  a  deep-laid  plan  for  the  seizure  of  enough 
armed  vessels  to  form  a  formidable  piratical 
fleet. 

More  went  to  Yucatan,  sought  the  acquaintance 
of  the  Mexican  frigates,  and  an  introduction  to 
their  heavy  Paixhan  guns.  An  interview  was 
speedily  granted.  It  did  not  prove  satisfactory  to 
the  Mexicans,  who,  after  being  wofully  banged 
about  for  an  hour  or  two — the  wind  dying  away — 
made  their  escape,  frigates,  brigs,  and  all,  and 
were  not  to  be  seen  again  upon  any  terms,  while 
More  was  about. 

On  land  the  Mexicans  were  even  more  unfortu- 
nate. The  Yucatanese  Indians  had  promised 
their  assistance,  if  the  Mexicans  should  invade  the 
State. 

One  fine  morning  a  body  of  a  thousand  arrived. 
The  chief  called  upon  the  governor,  merely  to 
inquire  where  the  Mexicans  could  be  found.  The 
governor  requested  them  to  take  one  day  to 
recruit,  and  then  join  his  forces  in  a  pitched 
battle. 

Now,  the  chief  would  not  hear  of  recruiting. 
They  had  left  home  to  be  absent  three  days.  One 
day  to  come,  one  day  to  whip  the  Mexicans,  and 
one  day  to  return  ;  and  they  had  taken  but  three 
days'  provisions. 

What  number  of  men  should  he  send  with 


196      THE  FAN-TAILED  STEAMER — A  FAST  CRAB. 

them,  and  what  arms  and  ammunition  did  they 
require  ? 

None  ;  nothing ;  they  would  fight  alone  and  in 
their  own  way.  Each  man  had  his  own  large 
cane-knife,  and  wanted  nothing  else,  except  to 
know  where  the  Mexicans  were. 

These  last-mentioned  heroes  lay  at  a  little  town 
some  three  miles  distant,  and  were  not  expecting 
so  unceremonious  a  morning  call. 

To  their  camp  the  governor  politely  convoyed 
the  Indians,  and  the  latter  incontinently  f  pitched 
in' — as  the  New  York  boys  say — and  in  a  very 
few  minutes  the  braves  of  the  central  government 
— over  three  thousand  in  number — were  com- 
pletely used  up,  cannon  taken,  and  everything 
else  that  they  could  not  carry  off  in  their  hasty 
flight. 

Put  your  Mexican  on  horseback,  and  he  will 
cavort  with  the  best,  become  quite  troublesome 
with  his  ugly  lance,  even  blaze  away  considerably 
with  his  escopete — at  least  until  some  one  drops — 
and  then  he's  off!  Plant  him  behind  a  safe  wall, 
and  he  will  shoot  you  a  cannon  as  well  as  the  next 
man  ;  but  never  trust  him  at  close  quarters,  where 
bayonets  and  bowie  knives  are  in  fashion.  He 
can't  stand  it,  and  will  not.  Perhaps,  like  the 
Frenchman,  he  may  be  ticklish,  and  does  not  like 
to  have  sharp  things  pointed  at  him. 


WOKKING  OUR  PASSAGE.  197 

"Well,  well,  this  will  not  do ;  if  I  can't  rein  in 
my  horses,  I  shall  never  get  to  Texas,  to  say  noth- 
ing of  my  telling  you  old  news,  and  not  so  very 
old  either,  but  that  you  must  be  all  pretty  well 
acquainted  with  it." 

"  No,  no,"  interrupted  Roberts,  "  talk  it  right 
out  my  son.  Uncle  Billy  likes  it.  We're  most 
on  us  knowin'  to  part  on't,  but  there's  a  heap 
that's  new.  Don't  go  to  holdin'  in  your  critters 
on  our  account." 

"  The  Red  River,"  continued  Milward,  "  at  this 
time  was  exceedingly  low,  and  there  was  scarcely 
any  water  on  the  falls  at  Alexandria.  The  steam- 
boats up  for  that  river  were  consequently  few  and 
far  between.  Some  one,  however,  bought  one  of 
those  queer  up-river  boats,  apparently  built  to  run 
across  country  on  a  heavy  dew — drawing  seven  or 
eight  inches  light,  and  eighteen  to  twenty-four 
when  loaded — and  put  up  bills  for  the  upper  Red 
River  ports,  promising  to  work  up  to  Caddo  Prai- 
rie. The  owner  went  as  captain.  The  price  of 
freight  was  enormous — three  or  four  dollars  per 
barrel. 

On  this  craft  we  shipped.  We  were  to  work 
our  passage ;  the  officers  assisting  as  clerks ;  the 
men  as  deck  hands  and  firemen.  Our  intention 
was  to  run  up  to  Natchitoches — where  1  expected 
to  receive  quite  a  sum  of  money,  due  me  from 


198      THE  FAN-TAILED  STEAMER — A  FAST  CKAB. 

one  of  the  regular  boats — to  buy  baggage  horses, 
or  pack  mules,  and  to  set  out  on  foot  for  the  ren- 
dezvous at  Austin,  via  Nacogdoches. 

Before  starting,  we  took  an  account  of  stock. 
All  told,  it  amounted  to  one  captain,  Prime ;  two 
lieutenants,  Higgins  and  myself ;  twenty- one  rank 
and  file  ;  three  dollars  in  actual  cash ;  two  barrels 
of  smoked  shoulders ;  two  ditto  pilot  bread ;  a 
limited  quantity  of  coffee,  sugar  and  tobacco,  and 
two  sacks  of  Liverpool  salt — the  last  being  a  pur- 
chase of  our  captain's,  who  began  thus  early  to 
show  his  fitness  for  leading  a  body  of  men  on  a 
long  foot  march  of  nearly  a  thousand  miles. 

Our  funds  were  dissipated  before  we  had  fairly 
lost  sight  of  the  city.  I  had  gone  on  board  with 
the  men,  and  was  so  busy  with  my  assumed  duties 
of  clerk,  that  when  we  left  I  had  not  noticed  the 
absence  of  Captain  Prime  and  Lieutenant  Hig- 
gins. Absent,  however,  they  were,  and  at  that 
very  moment  figuring  away  at  the  St.  Charles, 
participating  in  a  small  revel,  probably  anticipa- 
tory of  the  extensive  one  they  were  to  enjoy  when 
their  feet  should  be  once  fairly  within  the  doors, 
and  their  legs  under  the  mahogany  of  the  halls  of 
the  Montezumas. 

Our  boat  was  built  rather  for  service  than 
either  beauty  or  speed.  Scow-bottomed,  stern- 
wheeled,  two-boilered,  with  an  engine  of,  I  should 


A  BACK — LEGS  VS.  PADDLES.  199 

think,  near  the  power  of  nine  horses  and  one 
yearling  colt,  it  was  at  first  rather  a  mooted  point 
whether  the  boat  would  take  us  up  the  Missis- 
sippi, or  the  Mississippi  should  take  us  down  to 
the  Balize.  Our  engineer  was,  however,  a  deter- 
mined man.  He  ordered  half  a  pound  of  rosin 
and  a  small  pine  knot  to  be  thrown  into  each  fur- 
nace. We  began  to  propel  and  soon  gained  a 
speed  of  two  or  three  miles  an  hour.  We  had 
wriggled  along  a  little  above  Carrolton,  and  the 
shades  of  night  were  closing  around,  when  a  shout 
from  the  bank  called  our  attention  to  two  bodies, 
two  pairs  of  swiftly  moving  legs,  and  four  arms 
extended  aloft,  waving  two  hats  that  evidently 
belonged  to  the  heads  attached  to  the  aforesaid 
bodies.  We  neared  the  bank,  and  were  hailed  by 
our  two  delinquents. 

"  Mechanic  ahoy  !    Take  us  aboard." 

"Can't  stop,"  replies  captain.  "Push  along, 
keep  movin? ;  we'll  wood  afore  midnight,  and  per- 
haps it  mout  be  on  your  side  the  drink." 

Our  foot  passengers  begged  hard,  and  promised 
sums  of  money,  utterly  impossible — to  them — but 
the  captain  determined  to  make  them  sweat  for 
their  negligence;  and  on  we  went  for  half  an 
hour  longer. 

Our  men,  who  enjoyed  the  fun  at  first,  began  to 
be  surly,  for  they  knew  that  Prime  had  important 


200      THE  FAN-TAILED  STEAMER — 1  FAST  CRAB. 

letters  to  Houston,  and  that  the  manner  of  our 
reception  would  depend  very  much  upon  them. 
So  the  captain  deemed  it  safest  to  stop  and  pick 
up  our  two  estrays.  Those  two  gentlemen  had 
emptied  our  military  chest,  in  paying  a  cabman  to 
take  them  up  the  Levee,  in  pursuit  of  the  boat. 
For  the  three  dollars,  he  drove  them  at  full  speed 
as  far  as  Carrolton,  but  would  not  go  a  step  fur- 
ther; so  discharging  his  cargo,  left  them  to  follow 
the  boat  on  their  own  legs  if  they  chose. 

Having  taken  them  on  board,  we  again  wriggled 
on  our  way  rejoicing.  After  a  due  time — say  ten 
days  or  a  fortnight — we  arrived  at  Alexandria; 
and  here  nothing  but  bad  news  met  us.  The  boat 
that  was  indebted  to  me  was  reported  to  be  sunk 
in  the  Bon  Dieu,  or  Bonjee,  as  they  called  it ;  the 
water  on  the  falls  would  not  have  floated  a  skiff, 
and  we  were  forced  to  change  somewhat  the  order 
of  our  going — in  fact,  instead  of  the  Nacogdoches 
road,  to  take  the  route  to  the  second  ferry  on  the 
Sabine ;  and  then,  via  Jasper,  Bevilport,  and 
Swartwout,  to  Houston. 

We  first  marched  to  the  Market-place,  but 
evacuated  it,  on  finding  one  of  the  meat  tables — 
the  market  was  over  for  the  day — occupied  by 
rather  a  rough  customer,  who  had  just  been  dis- 
charged from  a  steamer,  under  the  idea  that  his 
general  health  was  not  good,  and  that  he  was 


QUITE  CUT  UP.  201 

slightly  troubled  with  the  yellow  fever.  So  the 
boatman  took  up  his  bed  and  board — made  of 
three-inch  plank — at  the  Market  Hotel.  He 
wanted  no  help,  did  not  feel  much  sick,  and  ex- 
pected to  get  over  it  by  night.  He  did  get 
entirely  over  it ;  in  four  hours  had  quit  this  trou- 
blesome sphere,  and  was  neatly  dissected  where 
he  lay ;  most  of  our  privates  witnessing  the  ope- 
ration. 

We  camped  down  a  short  distance  from  town  ; 
and  here  five  of  our  men  left  us — to  rendezvous  at 
Houston — under  the  idea  that  the  company  was 
too  large,  and  the  prospect  of  feeding  it  too  small. 
We  could  exert  no  authority  over  them,  and  it 
proved  in  the  end  that  they  were  right  about  the 
commissariat. 

Next  morning  we  converted  our  two  bags  of 
salt  into  money,  divided  the  remainder  of  our  ba- 
con, biscuits,  coffee,  sugar,  and  tobacco  impar- 
tially; hired  two  negroes,  who  were  driving  re- 
turning cotton  wagons,  to  carry  our  baggage  and 
arms,  some  thirty  miles  on  our  route — for  which 
service  a  pair  of  old  breeches  was  transferred  to 
our  sable  Jehus.  At  noon  we  took  up  our  line  of 
march,  travelled  fifteen  miles,  and  camped.  We 
were  now  on  the  immense  unbroken  forest,  that 
stretches  from  the  Ked  Eiver  to  some  distance  on 
this  side  of  the  Trinity.  We  entered  it  immedi- 


202      THE  FAN-TAILED  STEAMER — A  FAST  CBAB. 

ately  after  leaving  Alexandria,  and  did  not  emerge 
from  it  until  some  twenty  days  after. 

All  hands  evidently  enjoyed  our  first  night  in 
the  wilderness.  We  had  enough  provisions  for 
that  night  and  the  next  day,  and  trusted  to  luck 
for  the  future.  We  fried  our  bacon,  made  our 
coffee — each  in  his  own  tin  cup — piled  the  logs 
upon  our  camp-fire,  and  supper  over,  smoked  our 
pipes  in  peace  and  happiness,  while  our  orderly 
gave  us  a  number  of  excellent  songs.  In  fact,  his 
repertoire  was  highly  respectable ;  he  had  picked 
it  up  when  he  trod  the  Arch-street  boards  as 
walking  gentleman. 

We  turned  in,  all  but  the  guard,  as  contented 
as  men  can  be,  far  away  from  friends  and  home, 
bound  upon  a  desperate  wild-goose  chase,  and 
camped  in  a  wild  forest. 

In  spite  of  this,  we  had  before  morning  a  most 
precious  row." 

"  Hold  up  a  minit,"  said  Eoberts  ;  "  hold  up  a 
minit,  and  get  your  wind,  afore  you  norate  that. 
I'm  bound  to  hev  it  all  talked  out  straight." 


CHAPTER  XX. 

DEBIL  IN  DE  CORN  FIELD — RUN  BOYS,  RUN. 

OUR  captain  was  naturally  as  good  a  fellow  as 
ever  breathed,  but  his  knowledge  of  a  new  coun- 
try, and  of  the  way  to  manage  volunteers  was  ex- 
tremely limited.  He  was  a  capital  drill-officer, 
and  would  have  made  a  regular  Martinet,  if  the 
men  had  permitted  it.  He  had  also,  what  was 
rather  singular  for  a  man  of  undoubted  courage,  a 
nervous  dread  for  "  varmints"  of  all  kinds,  from 
the  spiteful  wild-cat  to  the  prowling  panther; 
wolves  were  his  abomination,  and  alligators  his 
especial  dread. 

"  Lieutenant  Higgins" — said  he,  after  supper — 
"  you  will  be  officer  of  the  night ;  detail  four  of 
the  men  ;  two  to  mount  guard  now,  to  be  relieved 
at  one  o'clock  by  the  others." 

Lieutenant  Higgins  touched  his  cap,  and  sub- 
mitted, as  usual.  He  was  in  fact  the  captain's 
shadow,  and  about  as  well  fitted  for  a  command 
of  volunteers. 

"What  under  Heaven  do  you  want  to  set  a 
guard  for,  captain  ?"  I  asked. 

203 


204:      DEBIL  IN  DE  CORN  FIELD— BUN  BOYS,  RUN. 

"Why,  sir,  there  may  be  Indians  prowling 
about." 

"  Indians !  Indians  trouble  us  within  fifteen 
miles  of  Alexandria  ?" 

"Well,  there  may  be  negroes  in  the  woods, 
who  knows?" 

"Not  a  plantation  in  three  miles,  the  drivers 
told  me.  And  much  they'd  rob  us  of,  even  if 
they  could  find  us  all  asleep." 

"  The  wolves,  sir,  are  numerous  in  these  forests, 
and  sure  to  be  attracted  by  our  camp  fires." 

"  Sure  to  give  them  a  wide  berth  ;  and  if  they 
didn't,  a  southern  wolf  is  as  harmless  to  man  as  a 
cosset  lamb." 

"  Camp  duty,  sir,  must  be  learned,  and  there  is 
no  better  time  than  now." 

Upon  that  ground  I  could  say  nothing,  but  ad- 
vised him  to  be  very  cautious  how  he  gave  orders 
that  would  annoy  the  men,  for  we  held  them  by  a 
very  uncertain  tenure,  and  also  to  be  firm  in 
insisting  upon  their  execution,  when  once  given. 

I  threw  myself,  wrapped  in  my  blanket,  on  the 
ground,  but  did  not  sleep ;  and  it  was  not  long 
before  I  noticed  that  something  was  going  on 
among  a  part  of  our  squad. 

It  was  near  midnight  when  I  observed  some  five 
or  six  quietly  steal  into  the  bush,  but  it  was  none 
of  my  business,  and  so  I  said  nothing.  Soon  after 


A  ROW  IN  THE  CAMP.  205 

this  I  fell  asleep,  and  must  have  remained  so  for 
an  hour  or  more,  when  I  was  suddenly  aroused  by 
some  one  shaking  me. 

I  jumped  up,  and  there  were  the  captain  and 
Higgins. 

"  What's  the  matter  ?"  I  asked. 

"  Matter  !"  replied  the  captain,  "  here  are  four 
of  our  fellows  have  got  drunk  on  whiskey,  bought 
somehow  from  the  negroes,  and  are  in  an  awful 
fight.  Some  have  drawn  their  knives,  and  we 
shall  have  all  the  rest  up  and  into  it,  and  half  of 
them  cut  to  pieces  before  we  know  it." 

I  listened,  and  if  noise  and  swearing  be  any 
criterion,  there  was  a  row  on  foot  in  earnest. 

"  Order  them  to  their  quarters,"  said  I. 

"  Order  be  hung,"  answered  the  captain ;  "  I 
did  order  them,  and  they  laughed  at  me." 

"And  at  me,  too,"  chimed  in  Higgins. 

"  What  do  you  want  me  to  do  ?"  asked  I. 

"  Stop  them  if  you  can  !"  answered  Prime, 

"  I  will  try  it,"  said  I,  "  if  you  will  remain 
here." 

I  instantly  aroused  four  of  our  best  men,  bade 
them  take  musket  and  cartridge  box  and  follow 
me. 

In  the  middle  of  the  road,  a  short  distance  from 
camp,  were  the  gentlemen  ;  two  of  them  clenched, 
and  two  standing  facing  each  other,  with  flashing 


206      DEBIL  IN  DE  CORN  FIELD — KUN  BOYS,  BUN. 

eyes  and  drawn  knives  gleaming  in  the  bright 
moon-beams. 

"  They  did  not  notice  us,  so  I  walked  close  up 
to  them,  and  roared  out  in  a  voice  that  a  bull  of 
Bashan  might  have  envied  : 

"  Back  to  your  quarters  this  instant,  you  scoun- 
drels." 

The  two  who  were  engaged  in  pulling  hair 
gave  up  in  a  moment ;  the  knife  gentlemen  sim- 
ply stood  where  they  were,  made  no  demonstra- 
tion upon  each  other,  and  pretended  to  pay  no 
attention  to  us. 

"  Boys,"  said  I,  "  we  have  risked  everything 
upon  this  expedition ;  it  shall  not  be  broken  up. 
Be  it  in  Texas,  or  be  it  in  Louisiana,  this  sort  of 
thing  shall  be  stopped ;  and  if  you  must  needs 
throw  away  your  lives,  so  be  it." 

I  formed  my  small  squad,  made  them  load  by 
the  twelve  commands,  winding  up  by,  Shoulder 
arms !  Present !  Eeady !  Aim  ! 

"  Now,"  said  I  "  I  shall  count  three,  and  then 
fire.  If  you  choose  to  throw  down  your  weapons 
in  time,  well  and  good ;  if  not,  you  are  dead 
men." 

"  I  drew  my  pistol,  cocked  and  presented  it, 
then  counted  one  !  two  !  three  ! 

Down  went  the  knives,  and  forward  came  the 
men.  The  bright  musket  barrels,  and  the  matter 


TIED  NECK  AND  HEELS.  207 

of  fact  way  in  which  the  men  went  through  their 
manoeuvres,  proved  too  much  for  their  nerves. 

We  marched  them  to  the  camp,  and  bound 
them  hand  and  foot.  As  for  the  two  who  first 
submitted,  their  hands  alone  were  secured.  Hav- 
ing set  a  guard  over  them,  I  again  went  to  my 
blanket,  and  slept  until  morning.  After  this,  du- 
ring our  entire  march,  I  never  had  the  least  diffi- 
culty with  a  private ;  in  no  instance  did  they  ever 
refuse  to  obey  my  orders,  which  were  few  and 
necessary ;  and  in  no  instance  did  they  ever  obey 
the  captain  or  Higgins,  unless  it  perfectly  suited 
them  to  do  so. 

Our  next  night  was  marked  by  a  singular 
adventure.  We  had  camped  near  an  immense 
corn-field.  Our  provisions  were  running  short, 
and  the  men  plainly  announced  their  intention  of 
helping  themselves. 

The  corn  crops  of  this  part  of  Louisiana  are 
very  poor,  and  few  families  raise  as  much  as  they 
really  need  for  bread.  The  natural  result  of  this 
is,  that  before  the  corn  is  fairly  blistered,  the  old 
stock  is  gone,  and  the  field  is  searched  for  ears 
that  are  anything  near  fit  for  the  table. 

Those  who  have  a  little  old  corn  are  as  chary 
of  it  as  if  it  were  gold  ;  and  at  the  time  of  which 
I  am  speaking,  although  corn  was  selling  in  New 
Orleans  at  twenty-nine  cents  per  bushel,  here  the 


208     DEBIL  IN  DE  COKN  FIELD — KUN  BOYS,  BUN. 

price,  when  any  could  be  obtained,  was  three 
dollars. 

I  knew  perfectly  well  that  our  men — promise 
as  they  might — would  most  of  them  find  their 
way  into  the  field  before  morning ;  that  as  but 
few  ears  were  fit  to  be  eaten,  hundreds  would  be 
wantonly  destroyed;  and,  after  counselling  with 
the  officers,  I  offered  to  the  men,  to  take  Higgins 
with  me,  find  the  proprietor  of  the  field  if  possi- 
ble and  obtain  a  supply ;  if  not,  that  we  would 
have  it  anyhow,  taking  the  risk  upon  ourselves. 
All  this,  upon  the  condition  that  they  themselves 
should  in  no  manner  molest  the  field. 

To  this  they  agreed,  and  Higgins  and  I  set 
forth.  By  the  side  of  the  field  we  walked  until 
we  were  tired.  No  end  appeared  to  it,  and  no 
house  could  we  see ;  it  must  have  been  miles 
around,  and  have  belonged  to  some  wealthy 
planter. 

There  was  nothing  left  but  for  us  to  help  our- 
selves. 

We  returned,  and  jumping  over  a  very  deep 
ditch,  and  climbing  up  a  six-feet  fence  near  our 
camp,  we  were  among  the  corn. 

It  took  us  a  long  time  to  select  enough  ears,  fit 
to  be  eaten,  to  fill  our  bags,  and  I  was  walking 
along  slowly,  feeling  for  them,  when  I  came  upon 
an  open  space.  In  the  middle  was  a  stump,  on 


UP  A  STUMP. 

the  stump  sat  a  man,  and  in  his  hands  was  a 
double-barrel. 

I  thought  a  good  deal,  and  thought  it  pretty 
fast  too.  Instantly  I  hailed  : 

"  Lieutenant  Higgins,  let  your  men  surround 
this  spot ;  here  is  the  deserter." 

The  ±  roprietor  of  the  gun  was  now  quite  as 
much  taken  aback  as  I ;  and  immediately  step- 
ping back  among  the  corn,  I  met  Higgins,  and 
told  him  to  follow  quickly.  I  walked  a  short  dis- 
tance, and  then  set  off  on  a  run — Higgins  keeping 
up,  and  wanting  to  know  what  was  the  matter; 
but  as  he  was  rather  deaf,  it  was  a  difficult  matter, 
running  as  we  were,  to  make  him  hear.  Besides, 
he  was  quite  as  deaf  in  his  ideas  as  he  was  in  his 
ears,  and  after  anything  forced  it^  way  through 
these  important  orifices,  it  was  a  long  time  indeed 
before  it  was  properly  lodged  in  the  brain. 

Under  these  circumstances,  I  could  think  of 
nothing  better  than  to  recite  the  negro  chant — 

"  Debil  in  de  corn  field, 
"  Run  boys,  run  boys  ; 
"  Debil  in  de  corn  field, 
"  Run  boys,  run. 

We  reached  the  fence  and  I  had  just  put  one 
foot  over  it,  when  the  idea  that  had  been  knock- 
ing for  some  time  at  the  portals  of  Higgins'  brain, 
suddenly  and  unexpectedly  obtained  admittance, 
*  U 


210     DEBIL  IN  DE  COKN  FIELD — KTJN  BOYS,  BUN. 

and  struck  him  with  such  force  that  it  nearly 
knocked  him  over. 

En  revanche,  he  jumped  at  the  fence,  struck 
me,  and  QUITE  knocked  me  over. 

Down  from  the  top  I  toppled,  and  fell,  corn  and 
all,  full  twelve  feet  into  the  bottom  of  the  ditch, 
accompanied  in  my  fall  by  Higgins,  who  landed 
directly  on  me. 

With  a  violent  effort  I  sprang  up,  pitching  him 
over  on  his  back ;  but  he  was  up  in  an  instant, 
out  of  the  ditch,  running  at  top  speed  for  camp, 
and  yelling  for  help  like  a  good  fellow. 

Before  I  could  throw  the  corn  out — which  we 
had  disseminated  very  thoroughly  in  the  ditch — 
all  the  boys  were  on  hand,  and  we  returned  in  tri- 
umph, bearing  our  cereal  treasures,  which  I  divi- 
ded among  the  men.  That  night  we  mounted 
guard  in  earnest,  turned  out  by  day-break,  and 
put  fifteen  miles  between  us  and  the  corn  fields 
before  we  halted  for  breakfast. 

We  were  in  danger,  and  knew  it.  There  was, 
and  is  yet,  a  bitter  feeling  of  hatred  between  the 
settlers  on  either  side  of  the  Sabine,  extending 
back  from  the  river  many  a  good  mile.  When  a 
rascal  in  either  the  States  or  Texas  had  fairly  arri- 
ved at  the  end  of  his  rope,  and  could  speculate 
with  some  probability  as  to  his  soon  getting  at  the 


HUNTING  BUT  NOT  FINDING.  211 

end  of  Judge  Lynch's,  he  crossed  the  river,  and 
was  safe  from  legal  consequences. 

Forays  were  often  made  from  either  side,  in 
pursuit  of  runaway  scamps  or  stolen  negroes  and 
horses.  Conflicts  often  occurred,  and  take  it  alto- 
gether, the  Sabine  was  in  a  fair  way  of  becoming 
another  Sol  way. 

We  breakfasted,  which  was  the  last  meal  that 
we  had  for  nearly  three  days.  One  of  our  men 
was  here  taken  with  the  ague  ;  captain  tired  with 
his  early  march ;  provisions  out ;  consequence 
was,  we  pretty  much  all  went  a  hunting ;  and  as 
every  man  went  where  he  pleased,  and  as  far  as 
he  pleased,  the  sun  had  passed  his  meridian,  and 
was  well  started  on  his  down  trip,  before  all  hands 
returned ;  and  when  they  did,  not  a  soul  had 
either  feather,  fur,  or  fin  to  exhibit. 

We  picked  up  our  plunder,  and  moved  on. 
After  marching  six  or  eight  miles,  we  came  to  an 
excellent  place  to  camp  again.  Captain  ordered 
a  halt ;  men  grumbled,  but  submitted.  No  sup- 
per but  coffee  and  a  pipe.  According  to  my  road- 
book— for  it  was  my  duty  to  act  as  pilot — we  were 
to  reach  the  Calcasio  next  day,  and  then  have 
nothing  but  cow-trails  and  blazes  for  most  of  the 
remainder  of  our  route. 

Our  captain's  favorite  song  and  motto  was — 

"  Up  in  the  mornin's  no'  for  me, 
"  Up  in  the  mornin'  early." 


212     DEBIL  IN  DE  CORN  FIELD — KUN  BOYS,  BUN. 

but  next  morning  he  was  about  and  a  doing  as 
early  as  any.  Hunger  was  beating  a  rat-a-plan 
upon  his  empty  stomach,  and  starvation  fairly 
kicked  Morpheus  out  of  doors. 

We  was  up  and  astir,  by  day-break  again ; 
breakfast  of  coffee  and  pipes ;  and  off  we  went 
this  time  in  good  spirits  for  the  banks  of  the 
Calcasio,  which  had  been  represented  to  us  as 
a  capital  hunting  ground,  and  its  waters  a  well- 
stocked  fish-pond ;  in  fact,  this  was  to  be  the  first 
oasis  in  our  desert  inarch. 

Well,  we  reached  it  at  last,  and  in  place  of  a 
sparkling  river,  with  green  banks  and  water  sing- 
ing blithely,  as  it  tripped  along  and  rippled  over 
a  clear  pebbly  bottom,  we  found  a — stream  it 
was  not — but  long,  vile  mud-hole,  without  life  or 
motion ;  low  sunken  between  lofty  banks  of  bar- 
ren sand,  without  a  sign  of  vegetation  or  spear  of 
grass,  and  overhung  by  the  gaunt  cypress,  or 
spectral  looking  oaks,  that  extended  their  leaf- 
less arms,  draped  with  funereal  moss  to  the  sky, 
as  if  to  call  down  a  curse  from  Heaven  on  the 
Dead  Sea  beneath. 

I  never  could  look  upon  a  scene  like  this — 
giant  trees,  so  conquered  by  this  miasma-fed 
parasite  as  to  appear  dead,  and  lifeless,  and  grey, 
and  hovering  over  some  black  tarn  or  muddy  lake, 
like  to  the  vile  buzzard  floating  over  a  carcase — 


HEAD  AND  TAIL.  213 

without  a  shudder.  However,  the  bayou  was  not 
probably  made  to  please  us,  and  fish  there  might 
be  in  spite  of  mud ;  and  game  in  the  swamps 
there  doubtless  was. 

Among  our  men  we  had  a  capital  woodsman 
and  "  anter,  whose  match  with  a  rifle  I  have  never 
yet  seen.  This  man,  and  also  another  very  decent 
fellow,  ready  to  do  anything  for  the  officers,  the 
captain  had  taken  into  our  mess.  His  idea  was, 
evidently,  that  Cooper  was  to  hunt  for  us,  and 
Carpenter  cook  and  wash  the  dishes. 

Now,  Cooper's  first  duty  was  to  his  mess  ;  their 
wants  supplied,  the  company  was  to  come  in  for  a 
chance  at  the  sports  of  Nimrod.  So  the  captain 
and  Higgins  stretched  themselves  comfortably  on 
the  ground ;  Cooper  shouldered  his  rifle,  and  took 
to  the  swamp  ;  I  cut  a  cane,  and  waded  into  the 
bayou,  and  the  men  separated ;  one,  one  way,  and 
another,  another. 

Prime  and  Higgins  made  some  remarks  about 
the  dubious  appearance  of  the  stream,  and  decli- 
ned fishing,  from  a  slight  prejudice  against  alliga- 
tors. They  did  not  like  the  reptile's  mouth,  but 
were  rather  desirous  to  try  the  tail,  which  they 
had  been  told  was  really  high-flavored  and 
gamey. 

I  was  fishing  in  a  broad,  deep  part  of  the 
bayou,  and  one  of  the  men  was  by  my  side.  Pre- 


214:     DEBIL  IN  DE  CORN  FIELD — KUN  BOYS,  ETTN. 

sently  a  very  small  twig  fell  into  the  water  near 
us,  then  another ;  then  a  small  bough.  I  looked 
up.  Not  one  breath  of  air  disturbed  the  branches 
or  waved  the  moss.  I  turned  to  my  neighbor. 

"  Jarboe,"  said  I,  "look  up  quick,  and  see  if 
there  is  a  squirrel  in  that  large  tree  right  over  us. 
I  can  see  none." 

" Nor  I  neither,  leftenant,"  said  he,  "but  'pearg 
to  me  I  kin  hear  a  chipperin'  like." 

At  this  moment  down  come  a  large  branch 
right  between  us. 

"  Good  Heavens,  man  !"  I  shouted,  "  out  of  the 
water,  quick,  for  your  life.  Not  that  way,  but 
this — to  the  right." 

Away  went  hook  and  line,  and  away  we  sped. 
It  was  high  time.  In  a  moment  after,  down 
rushed  a  monarch  of  the  woods,  seeming  fairly  to 
spring  from  the  lofty  bank, 

And  rushing  from  his  mountain  height, 
Came  crashing,  thundering  down." 

As  a  promising  young  poet,*  yet  unknown   to 
fame,  has  since  written. 

An  instant's  more  delay,  and  we  had  been 
crushed  to  death.  I  had  had  some  previous  expe- 
rience in  this  line,  and  knew  the  symptoms  of  ap- 
proaching dissolution  among  these  old  giants  of 
the  forest,  who,  singular  and  unaccountable  as  it 

*  George  Blanchard,  of  Fryburg,  Maine. 


MJR.  BUNCE'S  OPINION.  215 

/ 

may  seem,  appear  always  to  choose  a  day,  when 
earth  and  air  and  sky  are  wrapped  in  a  myste- 
rious silence,  and  not  the  breath  of  a  zephyr  stirs 
leaf  or  bough :  as  if  that  their  expiring  moan 
might  be  hear,',  far  and  near. 

I  looked  up  and  down  the  stream,  and  on  both 
sides  cypress,  oak,  and  pine,  were  waving  their 
moss-clad  boughs,  in  sad  farewell  to  their  departed 
chief. 

I  knew  that  the  rush  of  air,  caused  by  the  fall, 
was  the  reason  of  this,  but  yet  the  sight  chilled 
my  very  blood,  so  melancholy  and  supernatural 
did  it  appear." 

"  Well,  well,  squire/'  said  Roberts,  "  don't 
blame  you  a  bit.  Many  sech  a  sight  hev  I  seen  ; 
and  when  the  twigs  come  tumbling  down  around 
me  in  a  still  day,  dog  on  ef  I  ain't  fer  makin' 
tracks  outer  the  tall  timber  right  piert." 

"  Darn  the  rotten  old  tree,"  exclaimed  Bunce, 
"I'm  for  hearin'  how  your  folks  made  out  a 
huntin'.  That  tree  wasn't  worth  half  the  fuss 
youVe  made  on't.  I've  come  as  nigh  as  that  to 
ketchin  it  a  hundred  times.'7 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

THE    BEWILDERED    CORPORAL    AND    THE    GALLANT 
VOLUNTEER. 

"  AFTER  noon,"  said  Milward,  "  the  men  began 
to  drop  in,  but  no  game  had  they  found  except 
one  squirrel,  which  was  divided  among  the  fortu- 
nate mess  to  which  the  successful  hunter  belonged. 
So,  we  had  the  old  story,  coffee  and  pipes  for  din- 
ner. About  two  we  resumed  our  march,  and  stri- 
king off  from  the  main  road,  took  a  left  hand 
trail.  Before  night  it  come  on  to  rain,  which 
improved  matters  very  much.  However,  we 
made  the  best  of  it,  lit  with  much  difficulty  a 
huge  camp-fire,  rigged  up  a  few  rude  wigwams 
with  bark  and  brush  ;  then  followed  our  usual 
substitute  for  a  supper,  and  then  to  our  blankets 
with  what  appetite  we  might. 

Our  reveille  was  of  the  latest.     Spite  of  the 

consolations  of  coffee  and  tobacco,  hunger  was 

beginning  to  tell  upon  our  small  corps.     Why  it 

waa  that  no  game  could  be  found  I  can  hardly 

216 


WATERMELONS  IN  PROSPECTIVE.  217 

say,  but  only  know  that  it  never  is,  when  bodies 
of  men  are  moving,  except  indeed  on  the  buffalo 
grounds.  "We  had  at  least  some  good  hunters,  one 
of  them  thorough  bred,  but  so  far  their  efforts  had 
been  all  in  vain. 

A  man  on  horseback  rode  up  soon  after  we  had 
started ;  and  from  him  I  obtained  all  necessary 
information  as  to  the  trail  which  we  were  now  fol- 
lowing, and  also  that  our  prospects  of  finding  any- 
thing in  the  shape  of  food  that  morning  were  very 
slim.  Some  ten  miles  further  on  was  a  settler's 
cabin,  but  the  family  were  under  short  allowance, 
and  had  no  corn  but  what  they  brought  from  a 
mill  that  was  miles  away. 

"  There's  no  use  to  try  to  buy  nor  to  beg,"  said 
he,  "  but,  tell  you  what,  boys,  afore  you  get  there, 
there's  the  biggest  kind  of  a  field.  The  corn's 
very  late,  and  ain't  no  account  yet,  but  there's 
watermelons  by  the  cart-load.  You'd  best  dive 
in  and  help  yourselves. 

"  Three  miles  further  on,  you'll  find  a  trail  goin' 
off  to  the  left ;  a  mile  will  bring  you  to  another 
settler's.  He's  got  some  corn,  and  a  raft  of  hogs 
runnin'  in  the  woods ;  and  when  you  leave  there 
you'll  find  another  trail  that  '11  bring  you  back  to 
your  own  road  without  losin'  much  time." 

"We  thanked  hiir     he  rode  on,  and  we  walked 


218  THE  BEWILDERED  CORPORAL. 

on.  Cooper  went  ahead ;  the  men  straggling  ev- 
erywhere. 

About  noon,  we  saw  a  tiny  column  of  blue 
smoke  peacefully  wending  its  way  upward,  in  the 
open  woods ;  and  arriving,  lo  and  behold,  there 
was  Cooper  with  one  grey  squirrel,  already  broiled, 
and  waiting  for  us. 

Talk  of  honor  among  thieves  or  any  class  else. 
Here  was  a  man  on  the  confines  of  starvation,  that 
had  been  half  an  hour  tantalized  with  the  delicious 
odors  of  a  broiling  squirrel,  and  waiting  to  di- 
vide it  among  five. 

We  made  short  work  of  it,  and  then  waited 
until  our  men  came  up.  Presently  we  came  to  a 
spot  in  the  forest,  where  our  trail  was  entirely 
obscured  by  fallen  timber.  There  was  an  open 
space  before  us  of  at  least  fifty  rods,  the  over- 
thrown trees  all  lying  towards  the  northeast. 

We  were  slowly  crawling  over  it,  when  Cooper 
called  to  us. 

"  I  know  this  well,"  said  he ;  "  this  is  the  trail 
of  the  Natchez  hurricane,  and  I  have  crossed  it 
more  than  two  hundred  miles  west  of  this.  A 
short  distance  further  on,  we  shall  find  another, 
running  side  by  side  with  this,  but  only  about 
half  as  wide." 

This  we  found  to  be  true,  and  the  twain  pre- 
sented the  most  singular  sight  that  I  had  ever 


DEPLORABLE  IGNORANCE  OF  PUMPKINS.         219 

seen.  Two  immense  avenues  cut  directly  through 
the  heart  of  the  forest,  more  straight  than  line  or 
plumet  and  the  hand  of  man  could  have  made 
them,  extending  from  beyond  Natchez  to  the 
Kocky  Mountains,  walled  in  on  either  side  by 
immense  trees,  shorn  of  those  branches  that  had 
obstructed  the  path  of  the  hurricane  ;  great  masses 
of  fallen  timber,  piled  up,  ten,  fifteen,  and  some- 
times twenty  feet,  without  a  green  bough,  or  leaf, 
or  twig,  but  marked  by  desolation  for  a  thousand 
miles.  It  was  something  well  worthy  of  being 
seen  and  remembered. 

Soon  after  this  we  came  to  the  field,  and  there 
was  a  regular  stampede.  Cooper  and  I  tried  the 
melons  as  to  their  ripeness,  before  picking,  car- 
ried off  two  apiece  over  the  fence,  and  into  the 
timber  we  then  plunged,  and  there  a  queer  sight 
met  our  eyes. 

A  pile  of  green  pumpkins,  with  here  and  there 
a  melon,  lay  on  the  ground.  Prime  and  Higgins 
were  busy  dissecting  them  with  their  swords ; 
some  of  the  men  were  spluttering  out  oaths  and 
raw  pumpkin  from  their  mouths,  and  others  were 
enjoying  the  fun  and  eating  their  melons.  It  was 
a  fact,  that  neither  of  the  two  officers  nor  one  half 
of  the  men  could  distinguish  a  green  pumpkin 
from  a  round  watermelon. 

However,  they  soon  learned,  and  it  required 


220  THE  BEWILDERED  CORPORAL. 

persuasion,  entreaty,  and  almost  the  exhibition  of 
force,  to  check  some  of  the  hungry  crew  in  their 
savage  eagerness  for  this  most  unsuitable  food. 

As  to  the  green  pumpkins,  1  made  the  men  cut 
them  in  slices  and  stow  them  away  in  their  knap- 
sacks. We  now  formed,  and  marched  on,  passing 
the  house  in  as  martial  array  as  possible,  for  very 
obvious  reasons. 

Presently  we  found  the  left  hand  trail,  and  be- 
fore long,  a  piece  of  clearing,  on  the  other  side  of 
which  appeared  a  cabin  and  field. 

Leaving  the  men  in  the  timber,  Prime,  Higgins 
and  I  went  into  the  cabin  ;  but  nothing  was  to  be 
had.  They  declared  that  they  had  not  yet  break- 
fasted, nor  could  they  until  a  man  who  had  been 
dispatched  to  a  mill  ten  miles  off  should  return ; 
that  they  had  neither  hogs  nor  cattle. 

Nothing  was  to  be  done  then  but  to  move  on. 
"We  inquired  for  the  other  trail,  to  return  to  our 
road.  It  led  off  to  the  left  of  the  house,  through 
the  same  clearing  and  a  young  peach  orchard. 
On  we  went,  firing  off  a  pistol  and  shouting  to  our 
men  to  come  down  along  the  fence.  To  our  sur- 
prise, we  heard  the  crack  of  a  musket  immedi- 
ately ahead.  They  had  then  found  the  trail  be- 
fore us,  as  it  would  appear. 

They  had,  and  something  beside.  Among  our 
number  was  a  young  Frenchman,  one  of  six  men 


PIG  HUNTING.  221 

•whom  we  had  picked  ir>  at  New  Orleans,  re- 
turned Santa  Fe  prisoners.  Charley  had  two 
leading  characteristics  —  a  lightning-like  quick- 
ness of  thought  and  action,  and  a  great  fondness 
of  good  eating,  and  plenty  of  it. 

The  men  had  started  to  look  for  the  new  trail, 
when  a  drove  of  hogs  ran  snorting  by.  One  man 
fired  at  them  but  missed.  Charley,  however,  ran 
up  to  the  captain  of  the  host,  delivered  the  but  of 
his  musket  in  an  effective  way  upon  the  animal's 
snout,  who  immediately  succumbed,  and  inconti- 
nently had  his  throat  cut. 

Our  captain  was  in  great  trouble,  at  the  neces- 
sity of  hot  water  for  dressing  the  hog,  but  Charley 
was  up  to  everything.  He  skinned  the  beast  in 
five  minutes,  cut  it  in  pieces,  and  distributed  them 
among  the  men.  It  was  then  high  time  to  be 
a  going.  We  pushed  on,  found  our  old  trail, 
travelled  a  couple  of  miles,  until  we  came  to  a 
small  branch  of  clear  running  water,  then  made 
a  fire,  and  soon  devoured  every  morsel  of  our  prey. 

That  night  we  camped  near  the  house  of  a  com- 
paratively wealthy  planter,  a  Frenchman,  who 
was  extremely  polite,  made  us  free  of  his  corn- 
crib,  if  we  would  grind  the  grain  in  his  steel  mill, 
and  told  us  to  take  enough  to  last  until  we  should 
reach  the  Sabine,  on  the  condition  that  our  men 
should  be  kept  out  of  his  field. 


222  THE  BEWILDERED  COEPOKAL. 

He  also  sent  a  pair  of  large  tame  ducks, 
for  the  officers,  a  bag  of  Irish  potatoes  for  the 
men,  and  a  large  pot  to  boil  them  in  ;  also,  quite 
a  piece  of  salt  pork.  With  this  material,  and  our 
slices  of  green  pumpkin,  we  made  a  noble  stew 
for  all  hands. 

Next  morning  down  came  a  large  supply  of 
green  figs,  and  an  invitation  for  the  officers  to  call 
upon  the  ladies.  We  did  so,  and  though  the  call 
was  of  short  duration,  were  most  hospitably  re- 
ceived. We  took  leave  of  our  generous  host,  and 
went  on  our  way  rejoicing,  provided  with  provi- 
sions enough  to  last  until  the  Sabine  should  be 
passed,  and  ourselves  fairly  upon  the  soil  of 
Texas. 

In  two  days  we  were  encamped  upon  the  shores 
of  that  celebrated  stream,  whose  yellow  waters 
are  said  by  historians  to  possess  some  of  the  quali- 
ties of  the  ancient  Lethe,  and  to  completely  oblite- 
rate in  the  minds  of  those  who  drink  or  bathe  in 
their  yellow  current,  all  usually  received  ideas 
of  the  correct  distinctions  between  meum  and 
teum. 

The  effect  upon  our  men  was  different;  per- 
haps on  a  similar  principle  to  that  which  makes 
two  negatives  equal  an  affirmative;  perhaps  be- 
cause we  were  cordially  welcomed  and  hospitably 
entertained,  when  once  fairly  in  Texas. 


THE  WASHING  BRIGADE.  223 

From  a  set  of  vagabonds,  laying  their  hands  on 
every  thing  that  came  in  their  way,  they  became 
orderly,  seemingly  honest,  and  obedient  to  orders. 

At  the  ferry  we  lay  one  entire  day,  converting 
the  river  into  an  extempore  and  al  fresco  wash- 
tub,  and  a  company  of  volunteers  into  a  washing 
brigade.  The  ferry  people  were  extremely  civil, 
and  evidently  anxious  to  get  rid  of  us ;  for  the  pre- 
sence of  nineteen  or  twenty  men,  well  armed, 
upon  the  very  border  of  another  country,  where 
they  could  retreat  in  five  minutes,  was  an  occur- 
rence more  uncommon  than  desirable ;  and  when 
coupled  with  the  fact  that  the  said  men  were 
almost  destitute  of  everything  save  arms  and  am- 
munition, that  the  proprietor  of  the  ferry  kept  a 
small  store  hard  by,  and  that  the  entire  popula- 
tion of  the  settlement  did  not  exceed  three  or  four 
families,  it  was  no  wonder  that  they  wished  us 
further. 

Our  washing  and  drying  completed — we  gene- 
rally took  to  the  river  during  the  latter  operation, 
and  disdained  either  starching  or  ironing — on  the 
next  day  we  crossed  the  stream,  and  for  the  first 
time  set  foot  upon  the  very  free  soil  of  Texas. 
Our  first  nignt  we  passed  in  Jasper,  not  a  very 
large  city.  We  were  inducted  into  an  unoccupied 
house,  and  furnished  with  green  corn  ad  lil).,  and 
dry  corn,  exhibited  in  a  liquid  form,  quant,  suff. 


• 

224:  THE  BEWILDERED  COKPOBAL. 

We  were  visited  by  a  young  gentleman,  evi- 
dently overflowing  with  patriotic  and  poetic  fire. 
He  had  composed  a  warlike  song,  and  was  indu- 
ced, after  two  or  three  critical  examinations  of 
our  canteens,  to  favor  us  with  it. 

The  air  was  Bruce's  Address  ;  as  for  the  words, 
the  first  verse  alone  remains  embalmed  in  my 
memory,  and  ran  as  follows  : — 

•'  Men  who  have  with  Houston  bled  ; 
"  Men  whom  Kusk  has  often  led, 
"  Welcome  to  your  gory  bed, 
"  Or  to  victory." 

Having  heard  this,  Prime  drew  me  one  side, 
and,  with  an  air  of  caution  and  secresy,  produced 
from  some  secret  recess  about  his  person  a  soiled 
and  somewhat  tatter'd  paper.  It  proved  to  be 
also  an  original  poem,  embodying  in  a  different 
form  the  same  sanguinary  ideas  as  those  of  our 
young  friend,  and  also  hospitably  invited  "  all 
whom  it  might  concern"  to  take  a  friendly  bed  on 
the  battle-field,  if  they  couldn't  give  the  enemy 
fits. 

This,  the  captain  informed  me,  I  had  his  full 
permission  to  impart  to  our  new  friend  in  private. 
I  was  not  to  inform  him  of  the  author's  name,  but 
might  hint  that  it  was  composed  by  one  of  the 
officers,  although  neither  Lieutenant  Higgins  nor 
I  claimed  it.  Upon  hearing  this  brilliant  produc- 


THE  VOLUNTEER'S  SPEECH.  225 

tion,  our  young  friend  embraced  the  captain, 
called  him  his  brother  in  arms,  and  swore  an  eter- 
nal friendship ;  ran  off  up  street,  and  soon  re- 
turned with  another  bottle  of  the  amber-colored 
nectar  in  general  use  here,  and  having  assisted  in 
draining  it,  announced  his  intention  of  marching 
along  with  us,  and  assisting  at  our  proposed  revel 
in  the  halls  of  the  Montezumas. 

A  corporal,  moved  by  whiskey  and  admiration, 
resigned  in  his  favor,  and  the  new  incumbent  was 
duly  installed  in  his  place. 

Standing  in  the  midst,  he  now  delivered  a  glow- 
ing speech,  in  which  he  expressed  a  canabalistic 
desire  or  a  slice  of  Santa  Anna's  heart,  and  a  san- 
guinar/  wish  for  a  draught  of  his  blood;  also  re- 
peatedly requested  us  to  follow  him  to  glory  ;  con- 
veyed several  commands  relative  to  charging  the 
enemy,  and  concluded  with  a  recitation  of  his  ode, 
which  was  sung  by  the  whole  company  plena  ore, 
being  lined  off  by  the  author. 

It  was  quite  late,  and  after  embracing  us  all 
around,  and  shedding  a  copious  flood  of  tears,  he 
bade  us  adieu  for  the  night,  and  went  home  to 
prepare  himself  for  the  march. 

Alas!  we  never  saw  the  gallant  youth  after; 

whether  the  two  potent  nectar  confined  him  to  his 

couch,  or  cruel  parents  checked  his  warlike  aspi- 

rntions,  is  a  matter  forever  hidden  from  my  know- 

15 


226  THE  BEWILDERED  CORPORAL. 

ledge,  and  I  but  know  that  on  calling  the  roll 
next  morning  both  the  old  corporal  and  the  new 
incumbent  were  reported  as  missing. 

About  noon  our  original  corporal,  Peter  An- 
thony Jarboe,  hove  in  sight.  His  account  of  his 
adventures  was  somewhat  vague  and  desultory, 
owing  probably  to  the  lingering  mistiness  of  his 
brain. 

It  appears  that  the  gallant  youth  of  last  eve- 
ning, finding  that  the  contents  of  his  whiskey  bot- 
tle had  entirely  evaporated,  dispatched  Corporal 
Peter  Anthony  with  two  canteens,  and  a  verbal 
order  on  the  grocery,  to  have  them  filled,  and 
charged  to  his — the  youth's — account. 

Mr.  Jarboe's  remembrance  of  the  occurrences  at 
said  grocery  was  exceedingly  indistinct.  A  crowd 
of  men — two  tallow  candles — an  invitation  to 
drink  from  two  men,  seemingly  united  Siamese- 
twin  fashion — two  bar-keepers  filling  four  tum- 
blers from  two  bottles — a  strange  confusion  of 
ideas — a  general  pirouette  of  room,  company,  bar- 
keepers, bottles  and  glasses,  and  a  deep  reverie, 
made  up  the  unsatisfactory  detail. 

Whether  the  canteens  were  filled  or  not  he 
could  not  say.  Upon  an  examination  of  the  arti- 
cles in  question,  it  appeared,  that  not  satisfied 
with  his  blunders  of  the  preceding  evening,  he 
had  deliberately  made  a  '  bull'  in  the  canteens,  as 


MK.  JARBOE  W  .KES  A  CALL.  227 

the  few  drops  of  slightly  discolored  water  that 
they  contained,  proved. 

It  would  appear  that  Mr.  Jarboe  was  aroused 
from  his  reverie  on  the  closing  of  the  grocery — 
grocery  means  whiskey  in  Texas — which  occur- 
rence— according  to  Mr.  J.  —  took  place  some 
time  between  midnight  and  the  fourth  of  July. 

Mr.  Jarboe  thinks  that  the  city  of  Jasper  must 
have  suffered  a  civil  revolution  during  the  night ; 
perhaps  engaged  in  a  contra  dance ;  been  down 
in  the  middle,  up  again  and  cast  off. 

Our  barracks  could  not  be  found  in  the  general 
confusion,  and  so  the  corporal  knocked  at  a 
convenient  door  to  inquire.  A  gentleman,  arm- 
ed with  a  pair  of  revolvers  and  bowie  knife, 
opened  it,  and  after  hearing  Mr.  Jarboe's  busi- 
ness, informed  him  that  the  company  of  volun- 
teers had  left  at  midnight ;  and  for  fear  of  mis- 
takes, he  was  kind  enough  to  put  on  his  boots  and 
accompany  the  lost  one  some  little  distance  upon 
the  road. 

Peter  Anthony  set  forth  upon  a  run,  held  it 
as  long  as  he  could,  then  subsided  into  a  fast 
walk ;  and  just  as  it  was  fairly  day-break,  found 
himself  on  the  ,banks  of  the  Sabine,  at  the  very 
spot  where  he  had  crossed  the  preceding  morning. 

Evidently  something  was  wrong,  so  without 
stopping  to  rest,  back  he  posted  to  Jasper,  to 


228  THE  BEWILDEBED  CORPORAL. 

inquire  ;  and  met  his  obliging  friend,  who  recog- 
nized him,  immediately  asked  him  to  drink,  and 
informed  him  that  about  midnight  a  drove  of 
jackasses  had  passed  through  town,  and  was  by 
him  mistaken  for  a  company  of  Texan  volun- 
teers. In  three  hours  after,  the  poor  fellow 
caught  up  with  us,  having  travelled  twenty  miles 
upon  a  fool's  errand,  and  fifteen  more  since  he 
had  left  Jasper." 

"I  reckon  now,  Milward,"  said  Uncle  Billy, 
"that  corporal  must  hev  been  right  smart  of  a 
fool,  or  else  most  owdaciously  whiskey'd." 

"  Both  your  conclusions,  Major,"  replied  Mil- 
ward,  "  are  clearly  correct,  and  indisputable." 


CHAPTEE  XXIL 

CORPORAL    JARBOE    AND    THE  -BLOOD-HOUND — THE 
PIONEEKS   TREED. 

"  As  we  were  travelling  on,"  resumed  Mil- 
ward,  "  about  five  o'clock,  a  jovial  looking  man, 
mounte--  upon  what  Uncle  Billy  would  classify 
as  a  smart  chunk  of  a  poney,  rode  up,  and  finding 
out  who  we  were,  immediately  insisted  upon  the 
men's  camping  near  his  house,  and  the  officers 
spending  the  night  within  it.  We  were  served 
with  the  best  he  had,  and  Prime  and  Higgins 
slept  on  a  bed  for  the  first  time  since  leaving 
New  Orleans.  As  for  me,  I  preferred  to  spend 
the  night  with  the  men,  and  to  see  that  they  did 
not  get  into  mischief.  The  latter  were  provided 
with  corn  bread  and  bacon  in  abundance,  and 
better  still,  great  calabashes  of  new  milk. 

In  the  morning,  after  an  excellent  breakfast,  our 
host  supplied  us  with  provisions,  and  telling  us  to 
be  sure  and  call  upon  his  father-in-law — who  lived 

five  miles  further  upon  the  road,  and  had  an  im- 
229 


230  CORPOBAL  JARBOE  AND  THE  BLOOD-HOUND. 

mense  peach  orchard — shook  us  heartily  by  the 
hand,  and  we  parted. 

We  called  upon  the  old  gentleman,  who  imme- 
diately insisted  upon  our  resting  all  day  and  re- 
cruiting. This  we  at  first  declined  doing. 

"  Now  look  here,  boys,"  said  he,  "  I'll  tell  you 
what  it  is.  You'll  do  well  enough  till  you  cross 
the  Trinity ;  and  when  you  get  shut  of  the  tim- 
ber and  strike  into  the  perara,  there's  a  house ; 
but  there's  ony  two  more  on  your  road  afore  ye 
get  to  Houston,  and  they  both  together — one  at 
the  Attascasete  crossing  of  the  San  Jacinto,  and 
the  other  a  piece  on,  in  the  timber  t'other  side. 
There's  a  small  settlement  way  off  in  a  bay  to  the 
right  of  your  trail,  but  you've  travellin'  enough  to 
do  without  walkin'  six  or  eight  miles  for  a  break- 
fast. You  stay  here  to-day,  and  straighten  up  a 
little ;  to-morrow's  Friday,  and  if  you  make  tracks 
then  you'll  get  to  Dunn's,  this  side  of  the  Trinity, 
Monday  night.  I'll  go  on  to  Dunn's,  and  have 
him  kill  a  beef,  and  there  you  can  stay  a  day  and 
dry  it,  and  then  you'll  be  ready  for  the  peraras." 

This  embodiment  of  good  sense  and  genuine 
hospitality  overruled  our  anxiety  to  hurry  on,  and 
so  we  remained.  A  long  table  was  immediately 
set,  and  a  meal  prepared  for  all  hands— our  host 
insisting  that  after  our  long  semi-starvation  we 
should  be  always  ready  to  eat ;  and  that  soldiers, 


COKPORAL  PETER  ON  THE  FENCE.       231 

like  camels,  always  laid  in  a  stock  at  every  oppor- 
tunity, and  against  time  of  need.  "While  the  meal 
was  preparing,  negro  boys  brought  in  great  bas- 
kets filled  with  huge  watermelons  and  ruddy- 
cheeked  peaches.  After  converting  us  into  human 
sausages,  and  stuffing  us  until  the  skin  would  hold 
no  more,  our  entertainer  made  us  free  of  peach- 
orchard  and  melon-patch,  told  us  that  dinner 
would  be  on  the  table  at  one  precisely,  and  that 
we  must  enicy  ourselves  as  we  pleased. 

We  had  <aost  of  us  taken  our  pipes,  and  thrown 
ourselves  down  upon  our  blankets,  under  the 
shade  of  a  friendly  porch — I  for  one  was  about 
invading  the  Land  of  Nod — when  a  terrific  mix- 
ture of  howl,  yell,  and  shriek  called  our  attention 
towards  the  bars  through  which  we  had  entered 
the  enclosure,  and  there  on  the  inner  side  was  our 
unfortunate  Corporal,  Peter  Anthony  Jarboe,  his 
feet  on  the  second  bar  from  the  ground,  endeavor- 
ing to  reach  the  latter ;  while  on  the  outer,  hung 
a  huge  blood-hound,  maintaining  his  hold  upon 
the  vestments  that  covered  the  rearmost  division 
of  the  corporal's  nether  man. 

The  whole  thing  put  me  in  mind  of  two  bull- 
dogs hung  across  a  line. 

A  yell  of  laughter  burst  from  the  entire  com- 
pany, and  it  was  some  time  before  our  host  could 
command  sufficient  control  of  the  Queen's  Eng- 


232  THE  BEWILDERED  CORPORAL, 

lish  to  call  the  dog  off.  He  then  warned  us  about 
quitting  or  returning  to  the  enclosure  unless  con- 
voyed by  some  one  of  his  numerous  family,  black 
or  white. 

Corporal  Peter,  whose  performance  with  fire- 
arms was  a  standing  joke — in  fact,  he  could  not 
have  hit  a  barn-door  but  by  accident,  and  closing 
his  eyes  ere  he  pulled  trigger — had,  it  seems,  em- 
braced the  opportunity  to  go  a  hunting  all  alone 
by  himself,  determined  to  astonish  and  excite  the 
admiration  of  the  company  generally,  and  of  our 
host  in  particular,  with  his  exploits.  He  had 
clambered  over  the  bars,  but  hardly  had  he 
touched  'bottom  on  the  other  side,  when  a  fero- 
cious dog  sprang  out  from  the  bushes,  and  per- 
formed the  same  operation  on  him,  as  he  wheeled 
and  was  marching  off  for  camp  in  the  fastest  kind 
of  double-quick. 

Corporal  Jarboe's  naturally  expressive  counte- 
nance bore  for  a  while  a  stern  look,  and  he  inti- 
mated an  intention  of  settling  arrears  with  the 
dog,  but  the  rents  behind  being  skilfully  collected 
by  a  negress,  and  the  tenant  proving  uninjured,  it 
at  last  subsided  into  the  usual  calm,  satisfied,  and 
slightly  stupid  expression. 

No  other  adventure  marked  the  day,  and  on  the 
morrow,  after  a  capital  breakfast,  we  were  hur- 
ried off  bv  our  kind  friend,  who  warned  us  to  be 


BLAZES  AND  COW  TRAILS.  233 

sure  and  let  no  grass  grow  under  our  feet  until 
we  had  forded  the  Angelina  and  been  ferried 
over  the  Neches,  since  the  trail  between  the  two 
rivers  had  but  just  been  blazed,  was  through  bush 
and  briar,  and  could  scarcely  be  followed  in  broad 
day.  So  that  if  we  were  overtaken  by  night  be- 
fore we  had  completed  our  intended  distance,  we 
had  better  call  a  halt,  and  camp  down,  or  worse 
might  come  of  it. 

We  left,  and  hurried  on  ;  but  camping  for  din- 
ner, and  a  proti  .cted  call  upon  a  certain  Captain 
Blank — including  a  visit  to  his  peach  orchard — 
made  it  quite  late  ere  we  reached  Bevilport, 
rather  a  small  town,  and  containing  either  one  or 
two  houses — I  forget  which. 

We  had  now  to  ford  the  Angelina,  and  so  much 
time  was  consumed  in  finding  the  ford  and  get- 
ting over,  that  it  was  sundown  when  we  were 
fairly  landed  on  the  other  side. 

Before  us  was  five  miles  of  blazed  road,  through 
anything  but  a  "sporting"  country,  and  almost 
without  sign  of  trail ;  at  least  the  trails  made  by 
deer  and  wild  animals  generally,  were  so  much 
more  distinct  than  the  slight  trace  which  we  were 
to  follow,  that  we  had  T>een  strongly  cautioned  to 
stick  to  the  blazes,  and  pay  no  attention  to  any- 
thing else. 

A  council  of  war  was  held.    To  reach  Swart- 


234:  THE  BEWILDERED  CORPORAL. 

wont,  on  the  Trinity — or  rather  Captain  Dunn's 
plantation — we  had  before  us  three  very  severe 
days'  journey,  one  of  them  forty  miles.  Should 
we  risk  a  night  march  through  bottom  and  brake, 
or  put  another  five  miles  upon  the  next  day's 
work? 

We  put  it  to  vote.  There  were  three  modes 
proposed  :  To  camp  where  we  were — to  reach  the 
Neches  at  any  rate,  if  we  could — or  to  send  Cooper 
and  me  ahead,  (who  always  acted  as  pioneers  in 
cases  of  emergency,)  to  follow  the  trail  and  blaze 
as  long  as  practical  and  expedient,  and  when  we 
could  go  no  further  with  safety,  then  to  camp. 
Our  position  to  be  made  known  by  the  discharge 
of  a  pistol  at  least  once  in  ten  minutes. 

Corporal  Peter  Anthony,  and  a  sleepy-headed 
chap  from  Indiana,  supported  the  first  plan ;  the 
captain  and  Higgins,  the  second ;  all  the  others 
the  third  and  last.  So  Cooper  and  I  went  on. 
For  a  short  distance,  we  found  it  plain  sailing 
enough,  then  our  trail  disappeared,  and  We  had  to 
look  sharp  for  the  blazes ;  then  we  found  the  trail 
again,  and  it  was  not  long  ere  four  of  the  more 
impatient  of  our  men  caught  up  with  us — the 
others  being  reported  as  quite  a  distance  behind. 

At  last  we  came  to  a  spot  where  our  trace 
diverged  slightly  to  the  left,  and  at  this  moment, 
the  moon  most  mischievously  bobbed  behind  a 


ALL  HANDS  TREED.  235 

cloud,  so  that  we  could  not  see  which  way  the 
blazes  pointed  out,  nor  could  we  find  any  by 
feeling. 

We  at  last  followed  the  trail,  which  was  soon 
joined  by  two  others,  and  at  last  led  us  to  the  but 
of  a  huge  tree,  apparently  laying  down  on  the 
ground.  The  trail  turned  neither  to  the  right  nor 
to  the  left,  but  stopped  square  against  the  tree. 

"  A  bridge,  for  sartin,"  said  Cooper.  "  I  wonder 
they'd  hadn't  told  us  about  it :  I  reckon  we'd  best 
hold  on." 

He  had  not  finished,  however,  before  our  four 
men  had  clambered  upon  the  trunk,  and  were  on 
their  way  over.  I  listened — could  hear  nothing 
like  the  sound  of  water — and,  remarking,  that  it 
must  be  over  a  gulley,  for  there  seemed  to  be  no 
probability  of  finding  a  still  bayou  so  near  two 
swiftly  running  rivers  ;  and  a  branch  beneath  us, 
there  certainly  was  not.  I  mounted  upon  the  tree 
and  prepared  to  follow  the  men.  Cooper  imitated 
my  example. 

For  at  least  sixty  feet  we  walked  on  without 
finding  a  limb ;  we  then  found  enough  of  them, 
and  troublesome  they  were ;  at  last  our  men  cried 
out  that  they  were  as  far  in  the  top  as  they  dared 
go,  and  there  seemed  to  be  no  landing-place. 

At  this  moment  the  moon  peeped  out,  brightly, 
as  if  to  enjoy  the  fun  ;  and  lo  and  behold,  there 


236  THE  BEWILDERED  COBPOBAL. 

we  were,  in  a  tree-top,  almost  half-way  across  an 
immense  gulley,  and  at  least  sixty  feet  from  the 
bottom.  Having  enjoyed  the  sight,  Madam  Luna 
went  in  again  under  the  cover  of  a  black  cloud, 
and  we  were  once  more  in  the  dark, 

It  is  astonishing  what  a  difference  it  makes 
when  you  are  walking  upon  a  log,  whether  it  rests 
upon  the  ground,  or  hangs  over  a  precipice.  The 
men  who  enjoyed  the  fun  of  walking  out  and 
making  their  way  through  the  crowded  limbs  of 
the  top,  were  now  thoroughly  frightened,  and 
called  to  me  to  fire  my  pistol,  to  attract  the  atten- 
tion of  the  company,  at  the  same  time  floundering 
about  in  their  attempts  to  get  back. 

"  Keep  perfect  silence,"  said  I,  "  and  remain 
where  you  are  until  the  company  come  up.  1 
shall  not  fire  my  pistol,  or  make  any  noise,  to  at- 
tract them  to  us  and  out  of  their  right  path.  When 
they  reach  the  spot  where  we  turned  off,  they  will 
halt  and  wait  to  hear  from  us.  As  for  you  four 
in  the  top,  remain  where  you  are,  until  the  moon 
comes  out  again,  or  we  can  light  a  fire,  if  you  do 
not  want  to  get  your  necks  broken.  Don't  move 
until  you  are  ordered,  and  then  not  until  your 
names  are  called.  Who  is  furthest  out? 

"  Corporal  Jarboe." 

"Who  next?" 

"  Sergeant  Osborue." 


PETER  PUTS  HIS  FOOT  IN  IT.  237 

"  And  then  2" 

"  Me,  sir  ;  Private  Maryatt." 

"  Better  be  thinking  of  your  sins,  Charley,  inclu- 
ding the  pig  you  stole  and  skinned  'tother  day. 
Are  you  the  nearest,  Carpenter  ? 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"  Then  stay  where  you  are,  and  hang  on  for 
life." 

At  this  moment,;  Cooper  bade  me  listen,  and 
presently  I  heard  tho  tramp  of  our  men.  They 
soon  reached  the  place  where  we  lost  the  trail, 
halted,  and  fired  a  pistol. 

We  called  to  them  to  stay  where  they  were.  I 
sent  Cooper  "off  to  explain  matters,  and  in  a  few 
minutes  he  returned  with  several  of  the  men  who 
came  out  to  have  some  fun  with  our  treed  coons. 

The  first  thing  to  be  done  was,  to  make  a  fire, 
and  we  sent  back  to  the  forks,  where  one  was 
already  started,  for  a  light.  Before  it  arrived, 
however,  the  moon  again  appeared ;  and  I  called, 
first,  Carpenter — then  Maryatt — then  Osborne — 
and,  lastly,  our  friend,  Peter  Anthony. 

His  luck  did  not  desert  him,  for  before  he  got 
fairly  out  of  the  top  and  on  the  body,  in  went  the 
moon.  He,  however,  made  his  way  along  towards 
the  end,  and  when  opposite  us  jumped  off  to  the 
right,  and  in  a  moment  was  heard  yelling  out — 


238  THE  BEWILDERED  COKPOBAL. 

"  Oh,  lordy,  massy !  help !  murder !  I'm  a  goner, 
stop  me,  some  one." 

These  words  seemed  to  be  jerked  out  of  him  as 
he  rolled  over  and  over  down  the  'steep  sides  of 
the  ravine,  a  small  spur  of  which  ran  up  to  the 
very  stump  of  the  tree  upon  one  side  of  it,  and 
Mr.  Jarboe,  to  save  a  few  feet  upon  the  log, 
jumped  off,  and  right  into  it. 

Had  we  known  that  every  bone  in  the  man's 
body  was  broken,  it  would  not  have  made  the 
least  difference.  A  most  unsympathetic  roar  of 
laughter  made  the  welkin  ring,  and  called  up  the 
rest  of  the  men. 

As  soon  as  I  could  find  my  voice,  I  went  to  the 
edge  of  the  ravine,  now  plainly  distinguishable 
by  the  fire-light,  and  called — 

"  Jarboe,  hallo !  are  you  hurt  ?" 

No  answer. 

I  called  again.  "  If  youVe  any  life  left,  say  so ; 
if  not,  we  are  very  hungry,  and  must  get  supper." 
A  grumbling  was  heard  below,  and  words  and 
parts  of  sentences  came  up. 

"  Laugh  at  a  feller  —  don't  keer  ;  laughin's 
ketchin — lick  some  one." 

"  Hold  on,"  said  I ;  "we  will  build  a  fire  on  the 
edge  of  the  gully." 

The  fire  was  built  upon  the  very  edge,  and  in  a 
few  minutes  Corporal  Peter  Anthony  hove  in 


THE  CORPORAL'S  SECOND  DISAPPEARANCE.     239 

sight— musket  and  all — covered  with  mud  and 
water,  for,  as  a  Milesian  would  say,  he  had  landed 
in  a  water  hole  at  the  bottom. 

When  fairly  on  the  bank,  he  shook  his  fist  at  us 
generally,  then  shook  himself  off  like  a  lion  in  his 
wrath,  and  then  looking  around  for  Maryatt — the 
smallest  man  in  the  company — and  not  finding 
him  at  hand,  jumped  att^c  next  smallest  who  was 
convenient — Sergeant  G  ~borne. 

Now,  the  race  is  not  always  to  the  swift,  nor 
the  battle  to  the  slow — no,  that's  not  right ;  in 
fact,  about  as  bad  as  Governor  Bell's  quotation 
the  other  day — the  battle  is  not  always  to  the  big- 
gest, is  what  I  mean. 

Peter  Anthony  weighed  two  hundred  and 
thirty — a  giant,  and  a  mad  giant  at  that — Osborne 
not  more  than  one  hundred  and  fifty ;  but  the  lat- 
ter eying  the  former,  as  he  struck  out  awkwardly, 
warded  the  blow,  and  planted  one,  two,  so  cor- 
rectly that  Mr.  Jarboe  instantly  disappeared,  and 
was  next  heard  of  from  his  old  mud-hole,  in  the 
bottom  of  the  ravine,  and  from  it  he  was  not 
allowed  to  emerge,  until  he  had  pledged  his  word 
to  behave  himself  in  future." 

"  Didn't  that  are  chap  work  out  somewhare  on 
Buffalo  Bayou  ?"  interrupted  Bunce. 

"  I  think  he  did,"  replied  Milward. 

"  Well,"  said  Bunce,  "he  was  the  darndest  big- 


240  THE  BEWILDERED  CORPORAL. 

gest  created  goose  I  ever  see.  I  traded  him  a  sil- 
ver watch  onst  for  a  horse ;  watch  didn't  go  much 
not  unless  he  carried  it ;  so  he  tarred  the  wheels, 
and  when  that  didn't  pay,  he  took  off  the  case 
and  face,  and  biled  the  works,  to  get  Jem  clean 
agin." 


CHAPTER  XXHI. 

A  NIGHT  WITH  THE  RA1  fLESNAKES — CORPORAL  JAEBOE 
GETS  A  BF  J. 

SHORTLY  after  sunrise  the  next  morning  we 
were  at  the  Neches,  exerting  our  lungs  and  firing 
off  muskets,  to  arouse  the  ferry-man — who  turned 
out  to  be  a  boy  after  all.  At  last  he  came,  and 
his  only  means  of  conveyance  was  a  pirogue,  or 
canoe.  The  captain  was  about  stepping  in,  when 
I  stopped  him,  with — 

"  One  moment,  captain.  Have  you  ever  pad- 
dled a  canoe  ?" 

"  No,  sir,"  said  he— «  but  why  ?" 

"  Because  you  would  be  in  the  water  in  a  mo- 
ment, which  would  not  hurt  you,  perhaps,  but 
you  might  loose  your  arms." 

The  captain  drew  back,  and  I  ordered  the  men 
to  give  the  boy  the  arms  to  deposite  in  the  boat. 
They  were  to  be  taken  over  first,  then  the  bag- 
gage, and  last  of  all  the  living  freight. 

"  Who  understands  a  pirogue  ?"  I  asked.     "  I 

want  some  one  to  help  the  boy  paddle." 
16  241 


242  A  NIGHT  WITH  THE  RATTLESNAKES. 

"  I  kin  row  er  paddle — steer  er  sail,"  said  Cor- 
poral Peter  Anthony. 

"  I  can  manage  a  dug-out,  sir,"  said  Osborne. 

"  Well,"  said  I  "  rank  takes  the  precedence  of 
beauty  always ;  you  shall  cross  first,  and  then 
we'll  try  Corporal  Jarboe's  skill.  You  need  not 
bring  the  boy  back  again.  We  can  manage  it 
ourselves." 

Across  they  went,  and  having  landed  the  arms, 
Osborne  paddled  safely  back. 

"Now  ashore  with  you,  Osborne,"  said  I,  "and 
bring  the  paddles.  Corporal  Jarboe,  jump  in,  and 
prepare  to  receive  the  baggage." 

Jarboe  put  in  one  foot  very  cautiously,  tried  to 
balance  himself ;  drew  in  the  other ;  pirogue  tip- 
ped one  side,  Jarboe  leaned  the  other;  pirogue 
followed  suit  in  an  instant,  and  over  went  Peter 
Anthony,  waving  his  arms  wildly  in  all  possible 
directions,  until  they  struck  the  water. 

Coming  up,  he  made  for  the  other  shore,  and 
being  a  strong  swimmer,  reached  it  without  dif- 
ficulty. 

With  some  trouble,  but  without  any  accidents, 
we  reached  the  other  shore. 

The  day  passed  by  without  any  incident  worth 
recording,  and  so  with  the  next,  until  thje  after- 
noon, when  there  burst  upon  us  as  terrific  a  storm 
as  I  have  ever  witnessed.  We  were  drenched  in 


THE  INDIAN  CAMP.  243 

to  instant,  and  on  we  must  go.  There  was  no 
shelter  nearer  than  the  old  Cherokee  Peach-tree 
Village,  some  time  since  abandoned  by  the  tribe, 
and  now  occupied  by  a  family  of  settlers. 

The  road  that  we  journey 'd  over  was  turned 
into  a  stream,  but  through  it  we  waded  and 
plunged,  and  night  fell  just  as  we  reached  the 
old  Indian  camp.  There  we  found  a  man  and  his 
wife,  the  sole  occupants.  They  evidently  were 
poor,  although  we  were  treated  in  the  most  hospi- 
table manner. 

We  were  served  with  fried  venison  and  bacon, 
corn  bread  and  coffee — the  latter  articles  being 
bought  in,  and  brought  from  New  Orleans.  A 
large  fire  was  built  in  an  adjoining  cabin,  and 
finding  it  impossible  to  dry  our  saturated  clothes, 
we  spread  our  blankets,  and  soon  were  fast  asleep. 
In  the  morning,  we  had  an  excellent  breakfast, 
with  figs  and  peaches — Indian  relics  these — for 
dessert;  and  at  parting,  gave  the  man  our  long 
treasured  three  dollars — the  proceeds  of  the  salt. 
At  first  he  refused  it,  but  we  forced  it  on  him. 
He  divided  a  number  of  pounds  of  dried  venison 
among  us,  and  we  departed.  We  had  not  been 
more  than  an  hour  upon  our  route,  when  our  old 
friend,  at  whose  house  we  had  spent  the  previous 
Thursday,  rode  up,  shook  us  each  by  the  hand, 


A  NIGHT  WITH  THE  RATTLESNAKES. 

and  trotted  off ;  being  bound — as  he  said — to  have 
the  beef  all  ready  for  us. 

This  was  a  severe  day  for  all.  Forty  miles 
over  a  heavy  road,  often  through  deep^  mud,  with 
the  thermometer  above  one  hundred,  and  a  heavy 
knapsack,  with  musket  or  side-arms,  was  no  joke. 

We  managed  to  muster  for  dinner,  but  after 
that  were  widely  separated — Cooper  and  I  far  in 
advance;  Prime,  Higgins,  and  Carpenter  bring- 
ing up  the  extreme  rear. 

It  was  eight  P.  M.  when  we  reached  Captain 
Dunn's  plantation,  and  the  owner  and  our  old 
friend  met  us,  a  full  half  mile  this  side. 

In  front  of  the  cabins  fires  were  burning,  meat 
cooking  and  drying,  negroes  flitting  to  and  fro 
before  the  lights,  and  quite  an  animated  scene 
presented  itself. 

A  plentiful  supper  was  provided  for  us,  and 
down  we  sat — the  men  continuing  to  drop  in  for 
two  hours,  at  which  time  all  had  arrived,  save  the 
captain,  Higgins,  and  Carpenter.  They  camped 
some  eight  miles  off — the  first  two  used  up  by  fa- 
tigue, the  latter  by  the  ague.  They  arrived  in 
time  for  breakfast  next  morning.  After  the  sun 
had  passed  the  meridian  heavy  clouds  began  to 
gather,  and  portend  another  violent  storm.  Fear- 
ing that  the  ford  at  Swartwout  might  be  rendered 


BLUE  BLAZES.  245 

impassable,  we  packed  up  our  half-dried  beef  in 
haste,  and  took  the  route. 

Dunn  mounted  his  horse  and  left  for  Swart- 
wont,  promising  to  meet  us  on  his  return — which 
he  did — gave  every  man  a  pound  of  tobacco, 
made  a  warlike  speech,  and  bade  us  adieu. 

We  were  not  destined  to  see  the  Trinity  that 
night.  Dunn  had  hardly  clapped  spurs  to  his 
horse,  and  dashed  off,  when  a  heavy  peal  of  thun- 
der rolled,  echoing  through  the  forest;  brilliant 
flashes  of  lightning  darted  to  and  fro,  a  hurricane 
swept  the  wood,  old  pines  came  topling  down, 
and  the  storm,  in  terrific  grandeur  burst  upon  us. 
"We  found  a  temporary  shelter  under  a  large,  low, 
leafy  tree;  but  peal  after  peal,  and  flash  after 
flash  succeeded ;  the  air  was  full  of  electricity, 
and  a  lambent  tongue  of  blue  flame  played  around 
the  muskets  of  the  men,  and  even  the  hilts  of  our 
swords.  In  a  moment,  our  arms  were  stacked 
against  the  body  of  the  tree,  and  each  one  sought 
shelter  under  the  nearest  bush. 

When  the  storm  ceased,  night  was  upon  us,  and 
we  were  forced  to  camp  where  we  were. 

The  next  morning  we  arrived  at  Swartwout,  a 
town  then  consisting  of  one  small  store  and  one 
or  two  houses — named  after  the  distinguished  lead- 
er of  that  band  of  modern  financiers  who  mistake 
peculation  for  speculation — who  here  expended 


246  A  NIGHT  WITH  THE  RATTLESNAKES. 

most  of  that  money  which   was   missing  from 
Uncle  Sam's  coffers. 

We  forded  the  Trinity  without  accident,  save 
that  Corporal  Jarboe — professing  to  be  experi- 
enced in  fords,  and  not  liking  the  course  pointed 
out  to  us — took  one  of  his  own,  speedily  suc- 
ceeded in  finding  a  hole,  disappeared,  and  came 
very  near  losing  his  life,  in  his  endeavors  to  save 
his  musket. 

On  the  opposite  bank  was  the  Coshattee  vil- 
lage, where  lived  the  remains  of  the  noblest 
tribe — the  cr&me  de  la  creme — of  all  southern 
Indians. 

When  the  Creeks  submitted,  the  Ouches  moved 
further  south,  and  continued  to  maintain  their 
independence.  When  they  were  conquered,  their 
fiercest  tribe — the  Seininoles — took  refuge  in  Flo- 
rida. When  they  were  forced  to  yield,  the  Co- 
shattees,  the  royal  blood  of  the  tribe,  abandoned 
the  Everglades,  and  found  a  new  hunting-ground 
in  the  interior  of  Texas. 

During  the  late  Seminole  war,  all  the  warriors 
of  this  tribe  disappeared,  and  were  not  seen  again 
until  its  termination.  No  white  man  saw  them 
on  their  war  path ;  they  went  and  came  like 
shadows.  At  least  fifty  warriors  crossed  and  re- 
crossed  half  of  Texas,  the  whole  of  Louisiana, 
Mississippi,  Alabama,  and  part  of  Florida,  with- 


PRETTY  SQUAWS  AND  SPANISH  KETTLES.      24:7 

out  being  seen  by  mortal  eye,  save  that  of  their 
own  caste. 

For  the  first  time  I  now  saw  squaws,  that  might, 
in  the  strictest  sense  of  the  word,  be  called  beau- 
tiful, though  the  few  men  that  we  saw  were  of  a 
truly  noble  mien. 

Their  dwellings,  which  were  neat  cabins,  were 
well  arranged  and  comfortable.  An  immense 
corn-field,  in  the  midst  of  which  their  village 
stood,  was  exceedingly  well  tilled,  and  bore  a 
heavy  crop  of  corn  and  pumpkins.  Before  every 
door  were  one  or  more  of  those  singular  old 
Spanish  pots,  that  are  no  longer  to  be  met  with 
but  in  pictures.  Who  knows  but  that  De  Soto 
may  have  eaten  soup  prepared  in  one  of  them? 

"We  called  upon  old  Collete,  the  sachem  of  the 
tribe,  and  found  him  seated,  cross-legged,  upon 
the  raised  platform  of  cane,  that  answers  for  set- 
tee and  bed.  He  was  plainly,  but  richly  dressed, 
and  received  us  with  as  much  dignity  as  if  he  had 
been  every  inch  a  king. 

When  we  took  leave,  he  sent  his  daughter,  a 
beautiful  girl  of  nineteen,  and  no  darker  than  a 
rich  brunette,  to  show  us  through  the  village  and 
to  our  road. 

After  leaving  the  Trinity,  the  first  settlement, 
then,  was  on  the  prairie,  twenty-four  miles  from 
the  river ;  but  ten  miles  on,  stood  a  deserted  cabin, 


24:8  A  NIGHT  WITH  THE  RATTLESNAKES. 

and  there  we  were  advised  to  lodge,  build  a  huge 
fire,  and  if  possible,  escape  the  torments  of  that 
curse  of  the  Trinity  river,  the  buffalo  knat. 

At  last,  we  arrived  at  a  spot,  where,  evidently, 
a  clearing  had  been  made,  but  so  rank  was  the 
growth  of  the  weeds,  that  the  cabin  was  entirely 
hidden  from  our  view  ;  nevertheless,  there  it  was, 
when  we  penetrated  the  weeds  for  a  few  rods,  and 
in  pretty  good  order  too.  The  door  had  dropped 
off,  and  was  lost  in  a  rank  growth  of  grass,  the 
hearth  was  full  of  cracks,  and  the  old  puncheon 
floor  gaped  widely,  but  still  it  was  a  shelter,  and 
at  least  promised  protection  in  case  of  rain.  We 
congratulated  ourselves  upon  so  good  a  camping- 
place. 

Wood  was  brought  to  cook  our  supper ;  Osborne 
brought  one  pail  of  water  from  a  branch  hard  by, 
and  Corporal  Peter  Anthony  promised  to  bring 
the  other  after  supper,  since  as  it  would  be  only 
required  for  drinking,  it  would  be  the  cooler  the 
later  it  was  obtained.  As  it  was  warm,  and  as  we 
were  not  particularly  hungry,  we  determined  to  put 
off  fire-lighting  and  supper  as  long  as  possible,  and 
so  lighting  our  pipes,  sat  down  to  rest  and  chat. 

Supper-time  came  at  last.  One  of  the  men  com- 
menced making  the  fire,  but  not  in  manner  to 
please  Mr.  Jarboe,  who,  jumping  up  in  haste,  to 
arrange  matters  to  his  satisfaction,  fell  sprawling 


PETER'S  BUMBLE-BEES'  NEST.  249 

over  the  pail  of  water,  upsetting  it,  and  receiving 
a  large  share  of  its  contents  on  his  own  person. 
For  this  exploit  he  was  rewarded  with  a  peremp- 
tory order  to  take  both  pails  and  fill  them  imme- 
diately. The  old  house  stood  upon  piles,  some 
three  feet  high,  and  was,  as  usual,  open  under- 
neath. The  step  was  gone,  and  so  Corporal  Jarboe 
sprang  down,  but  in  an  instant  bounded  back 
again,  pale  as  a  sheet,  declaring  as  soon  as  fear 
loosed  his  tongue,  that  he  had  jumped  on  a  rattle- 
snake as  large  as  his  arm. 

"  Humbug,"  exclaimed  Osborne,  seizing  the 
pails,  and  making  for  the  den. 

"  Hold  your  horses,  Osborne,"  said  Cooper ; 
"  might  be — looks  like  no  fool  of  a  place  for  'em." 

Cooper  seized  a  long  stick,  and  going  to  the  den, 
swept  the  tops  of  the  rank  weeds  with  it,  and 
poked  about  on  the  ground. 

*'  Come  here,  and  listen,"  said  he. 

"  Bumbly  bees  nest,'  said  Jarboe  ;  "  and  'pears 
to  me  I  kin  smell  cowcumbers." 

"  Bumble  bees  and  cucumbers !  you  immortal 
jackass,"  exclaimed  Cooper ;  "  why,  man,  if  there's 
one  rattlesnake  within  reach  of  this  pole,  there's 
a  dozen.  Light  that  fire,  Osborne,  and  you'll  hear 
fun." 

The  moment  that  the  flame  seized  upon  the  dry 
sticks,  illuminating  the  room,  and  shining  through 


250  A  NIGHT  WITH  THE  RATTLESNAKES. 

the  crevices  of  the  floor  npon  the  ground  under- 
neath, we  were  saluted  with  a  burst  of  rattlesnake 
music,  from  countless  performers  beneath  us,  and 
not  more  than  three  feet  beneath  us,  either. 

We  were  evidently  in  a  snake  den,  and  prison- 
ers for  the  night,  without  a  drop  of  water  or  half 
a  supply  of  wood.  From  one  corner  of  the  roof 
we  tore  down  some  boards,  to  lay  over  the  crevi- 
ces in  the  floor,  and  also  for  fuel ;  and  while  so 
doing,  something  fell  from  above  and  landed  at 
Corporal  Peter  Anthony's  feet. 

"  Well,"  exclaimed  that  worthy,  "  dern  my  skin, 
ef  you  ain't  the  funniest  beggar  I  ever  see.  Why 
you're  a  heap  curioser  than  them  horn-toads  they 
tell  on.  I'm  bound  to  carry  you  to  Houston,  alive, 
that's  a  fact." 

And  so  he  started  to  pick  his  curiosity  up. 

"Let  be!"  roared  out  Cooper.  "Why,  man, 
that's  a  centepede,  a  heap  worse  than  rattlesnake 
or  moccasin." 

Peter  Anthony  betook  himself  incontinently  to 
the  furthest  corner  of  the  cabin,  and  the  cente- 
pede was  immediately  killed  and  thrust  into  the 
fire. 

That  most  wretched  night  I  shall  never  forget. 
Driven  to  frenzy  by  the  gnats ;  sweltering  at 
times,  with  our  heads  under  our  blankets  as  long 
as  we  could  bear  it;  tormented  with  thirst — with 


CORPOKAL  PETEK'S  LAST.  251 

rattlesnakes  beneath  and  centepedes  and  scor- 
pions above — oh !  it  makes  my  flesh  creep  now  to 
think  of  it. 

How  we  left  the  spot  as  early  as  possible  ;  how 
we  camped  at  the  next  settlement  ;  how  we 
marched  fourteen  miles,  under  an  August  sun, 
without  water,  and  when  we  reached  Luce  Bayou, 
found  it  dry  except  in  one  small  mud-hole,  that 
was  fairly  alive  with  moccasin  and  water-rattle- 
snakes ;  how  we  were  forced  to  dip  up  the  nau- 
seous compound,  and  after  mixing  it  with  ashes, 
let  it  settle,  and  use  it ;  how  Cooper  and  I  had- 
called  two  fine  does  out  of  a  thicket,  and  were 
just  about  firing  from  a  snug  hiding-place,  when 
Jarboe,  who  had  been  expressly  ordered  to  remain 
in  camp,  blazed  away  at  them,  and  but  just  missed 
us  /  how  we  were  routed  from  our  camp  that 
night  by  mosquitoes  ;  how  we  lost  our  track,  and 
got  into  the  Hoffman  settlement ;  how  well  we 
were  treated,  even  to  the  furnishing  of  a  team  to 
take  our  baggage  to  Houston ;  how,  when  we  arri- 
ved, we  found  the  Revel  was  adjourned  sine 
die — I  want  both  time  and  patience  to  relate ; 
but  will  conclude  with  the  corporal's  last  ad- 
venture. 

We  were  camped  at  the  Atascasete  ford  of  the 
San  Jacinto.  Our  fires  were  built  on  a  glistening 
shingle,  and  before  us  rolled  a  river,  whose  cold, 


252  A  NIGHT  WITH  THE  RATTLESNAKES. 

pellucid  waves  brought  to  our  minds  the  pure 
streams  of  our  fatherland. 

A  brilliant  sunset  had  set  its  seal  upon  a  day  of 
extreme  warmth,  and  the  glowing  hues  that  gilded 
the  evanescent  twilight  of  this  semi-tropical  re- 
gion, were  fast  deepening  into  night.  The  feath- 
ered tenants  of  wood  and  plain,  that  from  the  lofty 
tree  top,  or  the  lowly  shrub — perched  upon  some 
leafless  branch,  or  floating  suspended  in  the  clear 
blue  ether,  had  poured  forth  their  very  souls  in 
glorious  melody,  had  ceased,  and  their  evening 
%hymn  was  sung. 

The  amphibia  of  river  and  swamp,  had  com- 
menced their  contra-basso  serenade,  aided  with 
an  occasional  solitary  note  from  crane,  heron,  or 
water-turkey. 

In  fact,  it  was  night,  and  the  monstrous  bull- 
frogs in  the  adjacent  cypress  brakes,  and  sundry 
and  divers  other  abominable  reptiles  were  making 
an  abominable  row. 

We  were  all  preparing  to  bathe,  or  else  already 
splashing  in  the  river,  when  Captain  Prime, 
struck  with  the  loud  swelling  bull-frog  chorus, 
asked  the  corporal  "  what  it  was  that  made  that 
horrid  noise  ?"  and  received  in  reply,  that  "  it  was 
nothing  but  alligators." 

Prime  did  not  bathe,  but  contented  himself 
with  a  modest  ablution  in  very  shallow  water. 


BULLFKOGS  AND  ALLIGATORS.  253 

"Jarboe,"  said  I,  when  out  of  the  captain's 
hearing,  "  did  you  think  you  were  playing  off  a 
capital  joke  on  the  captain,  about  the  alligators  ?" 

"  Why,  sir,  he's  so  amazin'  green  about  some 
things,  I  can't  help  havin'  a  leetle  fun  some- 
times." 

"  Well,  only  look  out  yourself,  that's  all ;  there's 
a  proverb  about  going  out  after  wool,  and  coming 
home  shorn.  I  can  but  tell  you  one  thing — 
there  is  not  a  stream  in  Texas  so  noted  for  alliga- 
tors as  this  same  San  Jacinto ;  they  all  come  up 
from  the  bay  to  summer  in  Its  cold  waters." 

The  corporal  was  half  frightened,  and  for  a  time 
stuck  to  the  shallow  current  of  the  ford,  but  the 
sight  of  the  others  splashing  and  swimming  in 
deeper  water  below,  proved  too  great  a  tempta- 
tion for  him. 

I  gave  our  mischievous  Frenchman  a  hint,  and 
he  proceeded  to  act  upon  it.  Charley  swam  like 
a  duck — on  the  water  or  under,  it  was  pretty 
much  the  same  to  him. 

Peter  Anthony  was  standing  up  to  his  neck  in 
water ;  he  had  just  looked  up  stream,  to  be  very 
sure  that  no  alligator  was  behind  him,  and  seeing 
nothing  but  Charley,  some  four  rods  off,  turned 
round  again,  spread  out  his  arms,  and  proceeded 
in  his  usually  slow  and  majestic  manner,  to  swim. 
The  moment  that  he  turned,  Charley — who  was 


254:  A  NIGHT  WITH  THE  RATTLESNAKES. 

standing  upon  the  bar — plunged  into  the  deeper 
water,  and  pulled,  entirely  submerged,  for  the 
corporal. 

Peter  heard  the  splash,  partly  turned  around, 
could  see  nothing  but  the  disturbed  water,  and 
being  pretty  thoroughly  alarmed,  struck  out  for 
the  shore,  just  as  Charley,  under  water,  seized 
both  legs  with  his  hands,  his  long  sharp  nails  cut- 
ting through  the  epidermis. 

The  bellow  of  a  mad  bull  was  eolian  melody 
compared  to  that  of  Peter  Anthony. 

"HELP!  HE-E-E-ELP!"  he  reared.  "  Oh  the 
Gorry  Mighty!  ALLIGATOR!  ALLIGATOR!!  ALLI- 
GA-A-A-TOR  !!!  Oh,  boys  !  Oh!  OH,  pull  me  out !" 

Three  or  four  seized  him — Charley  keeping  his 
hold  until  the  corporal  was  drawn  ashore,  in  a 
condition  as  near  fainting  as  a  man  of  his  nature 
could  be. 

A  word  and  a  wink  to  the  men  was  enough ; 
and  to  this  day  the  ci-devant  corporal  believes 
firmly  in  his  miraculous  escape  from  the  alligators 
of  the  San  Jacinto  ;  and  during  the  short  time  he 
remained  with  us,  certainly  did  not  wash  either 
face  or  hands  ;  which  we  attributed  to  his  newly 
acquired  horror  of  the  water. 

The  last  authentic  information  that  I  received 
of  Mr.  Jarboe  was  from  a  distinguished  naturalist, 
who  narrated  to  me  the  extraordinary  escape  from 


THE  CAPTAIN.  255 

an  alligator,  of  a  man  who  lived  then  upon  Buf- 
falo Bayou.  He  had  seen  the  scars  left  by  the 
animal's  claws,  and  much  wondered  at  the  rep- 
tile's mode  of  seizure." 

"  But,  'pears  to  me,  Milward,"  said  Uncle  Billy, 
"  that  ar  wer  a  great  sorter  captin  your  company 
hed." 

"  Granted — for  volunteers,"  replied  Milward. 
"  He  was  an  excellent  drill  officer,  a  gentleman  of 
birth  and  education,  but  possessed  of,  or  rather  "by 
certain  high  toned  chivalrous  notions,  that  did 
not  accord  with  a  command  of  volunteers — and  of 
such  volunteers.  His  pride,  and  their  independ- 
ence ;  his  chivalrous  ideas,  and  their  general  want 
of  principle^  clashed  continually.  He  was  as 
brave  a  man  as  ever  lived,  and  I  have  seen  him 
tried.  He  would  have  led  a  company  of  regulars 
with  honor  to  himself  and  them — but  could  not 
get  on  with  New  Orleans  volunteers.  Among 
them  were  a  few  good  men,  but  the  rest  of  them 
were  certainly  only  food  for  powder.  I  had  some 
of  them  with  me  in  our  race  after  Wool,  but 
after  that  time,  lost  entire  track  of  every  one  ex- 
cept of  our  friend  Corporal  Peter  Anthony  Jar- 
boe — who  has  succeeded  much  better  in  raising 
corn  and  potatoes,  upon  shares,  than  he  ever 
would  have  done  in  fighting  the  Mexicans." 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 

DIAMOND  CUT  DIAMOND— A  HOKSE  TRADE  AND  A  HALF. 

"  Now  Sammy,  my  son,"  said  Uncle  Billy, 
"  what  on  airth  wer  you  a  bariin'  arter,  the  time 
when  me  and  Milward  and  mighty  nigh  the  hull 
raft  on  us,  wer  getting  ready  for  that  jofired  revel 
we'd  had  an  invite  to  ?" 

"  Well,  Uncle  Billy,"  replied  Bunce,  "  the  fall 
before,  I  got  putty  much  out  of  notions,  and  so  I 
went  down  east,  to  see  my  folks,  and  pick  up  a 
few  things  that  would  be  liable  to  suit  this  wooden 
country.  And  there  was  one  little  sarcumstance 
that,  happened  that  I  won't  forget  easy,  nor  Joe 
Hopkins  neither,  I  guess. 

You  see  it  was  plaguy  nigh  winter  when  I 
come,  and  I  stayed  on  till  it  was  so  pesky  cold,  1 
had  to  up  killick,  and  steer  for  a  warmer  cliinit. 

This  Joe  Hopkins  and  me,  when  I  lived  up 
there,  had  made  many  a  trade,  but  I  was  sort  of 
afeard  of  him  now,  that's  a  fact.  I'd  been  down 

here  so  long,  where  tradin'  was  as  easy  as  an  old 
256 


BAM  STANDS  ON  HIS  DIGNITY.  257 

shoe,  and  he'd  been  a  sharpnin'  his  wits  agin  all 
the  grinstun's  in  the  State.  Now  I  never  see  him 
but  he  was  a  tryin'  it  on  for  a  trade  ;  so  I  kinder 
put  on  my  dignity,  and  ses  I — 

"Joe,  I'm  a  man  of  propitynow;  own  more 
head  of  cattle  than  the  hull  town,  and  more  land 
than  there's  in  it,  and  't  ain't  the  right  thing  for 
me  to  be  seen  a  tradin'  jack-knives  and  a  swop- 
pin'  watches." 

"  Oh  psho !"  ses  he,  I've  hearn  you  talk  afore. 
You're  afeard  of  me,  that's  what  it  is ;  but  you 
can't  keep  from  tradin',  and  I'll  make  a  dicker 
with  ye  afore  you've  quit  these  parts,  I'll  bet  a 
leather  ninepence  against  a  Bungtown  copper." 

"  Joe,"  ses  I,  "  I've  been  a  livin'  amongst  honest 
folks,  that  trades  fair,  and  I've  larnt  new  ways  of 
dickerin',  while  you've  been  a  hoss-jockeyin'  all 
over  created  nater,  plaguy  nigh.  Now  see  here, 
Joe,  I  may  make  a  trade  with  you ;  it's  in  my 
blood,  and  I  can't  help  it,  but  I  give  you  fair 
warnin7  Joe,  that  I  never  will,  unless  I'm  morally 
certin  I  cut  through  hair  and  hide  clean  into  the 
quick." 

Joe  laughed  at  me,  and  said  he'd  keep  his  eyes 
wide  open.  Afore  the  week  went  by,  he'd  chiz- 
zled  my  younger  brother  George,  awful,  in  a  hoss 
trade,  and  thinks  I,  c  my  fine  feller,  if  that  chance 
does  turn  up,  maybe  you  won't  ketch  it.' 
11 


258  DIAMOND  CUT  DIAMOND. 

Now  the  boss  he'd  traded  to  George  was  nat'- 
rally  a  dreadful  fast  crittur,  full  blood,  and  not 
more'n  nine  year  old,  but  so  awful  bad  foundered 
that  she  wasn't  worth  the  price  of  her  keep  to  no 
created  bein'.  About  two  mile  off,  down  to 
Squashtown,  old  Deacon  Solomon  Squash  had  a 
eight  year  old  mare,  almost  the  very  picter  of 
George's  hard  bargain,  only  she  was  sound  all 
over — mane  hogged,  tail-bobbed,  and  a  white 
star  in  her  forred.  When  I'd  studied  it  all  over, 
I  got  an  idee  into  my  head,  made  George  shut  up 
the  mare,  and  put  the  oil  cake  and  the  oats  into 
her  by  the  bushel.  She  was  blanketed,  and 
cleaned,  and  rubbed  down,  and  her  feet  docter'd, 
and  for  a  month  wasn't  put  to  no  work — neither 
saddle,  nor  waggon,  nor  team.  That  wasn't  all ; 
I  hogged  her  mane,  and  bobbed  her  tail,  and  when 
her  coat  got  into  order,  and  shone  like  a  glass 
bottle,  you  couldn't  have  told  her  from  the  Dea- 
con's mare — to  look  at  her — all  but  that  plaguy 
white  star. 

There  come  a  snow  bimeby,  and  a  deep  one. 
There  hadn't  been  much  for  two  or  three  years 
afore — and  there  wasn't  a  sleigh  in  order  no  where 
around ;  but  a  neighbor  soon  rigged  up  a  sizeablo 
drygoods  box  on  a  pair  of  hoop-poles,  and  shaved 
the  poles  where  they  showed,  and  painted  7em, 
and  when  a  big  buffalo  skin  was  thrown  clean 


JOE  "  FOUND  OUT."  259 

over  the  box,  the  hull  concern  looked  amazin' 
fine,  and  run  slick  as  grease.  When  it  was  all 
done,  I  painted  a  beautiful  white  star  in  the 
mare's  forred,  borrer'd  the  pung,  and  jest  about 
dark  took  in  George,  and  off  we  slid  for  Squash- 
town.  "Now  Uncle  Slick's  grandmother's  dater, 
by  her  first  husband,  had  married  an  own  cousin 
of  Deacon  Squash's  lady's  aunt,  and  so  we  allers 
was  looked  on  by  the  deacon  as  being  putty  nigh 
related,  and  he  was  allers  plaguy  obligin'  to  us 
boys — so  I  knew  he'd  help  us  in  this  hoss  bisniss, 
and  not  tax  onreasonable. 

We  druv  over  to  his  house,  and  fixed  up  things, 
and  then,  leavin7  George,  I  pulled  rein  for  the 
tavern,  and  went  by  it  like  a  streak,  round  in  the 
yard,  put  my  mare  under  the  shed,  blanketed  her, 
went  into  the  tavern,  and  asked  for  Joe  Hopkins. 

"Oh,  he's  jest  gone  up  to  Dolittleville,"  says  the 
tavern-keeper,  "  for  a  ride,  with  a  lot  of  the  boys. 
They're  comin'  back,  to  most  a  bang  up  supper,  at 
nine.  Won't  you  jine  in,  Cunnle  ?" 

"  Don't  keer  if  I  do,"  ses  I,  "  and  I  kinder  guess 
I'll  drive  over  to  Dolittleville  myself — 't  aint  but 
three  miles.  Where  will  they  put  up  at?" 

"At  Deacon  Dolittle's,  for  certin,"  says  he. 
"  Our  boys  allers  duz." 

"  Hold  your  bosses  one  minit,  Nutmegs,"  inter- 


260  DIAMOND  CUT  DIAMOND. 

rupted  Uncle  Billy.  "  What  did  that  man  call 
you  Cunnle  for  ?" 

"  Why,  ye  see,  Pd  jest  cum  from  Texas,"  re- 
plied Bunce  ;  "  and  as  there  ain't  never  anything 
lower  than  Gunnies  comes  from  there,  so  the  folks 
couldn't  do  less  than  make  one  of  me.  I  didn't 
like  it  at  first,  but  kinder  got  used,  and  let  it  go." 

Uncle  Billy  simply  whistled. 

"  Well,"  resumed  Bunce,  "  I  druv  over  slow — 
jest  so's  to  keep  the  mare  warm,  and  not  fret  her, 
and  took  pesky  good  care  not  to  go  nigh  Dolit- 
tle  tavern,  but  put  up  at  Elder  Lovejoys,  who 
wer  a  clean  opposition  to  the  deacon.  He  was  a 
hard-shell  baptist,  and  the  deacon  an  old-fashioned 
presbyterian,  blue  as  an  indigo  bag. 

I  watched  t'other  tavern  pretty  clus,  and  bime- 
by  our  boys  cum  out,  and  off  they  cut  full  chizzle, 
all  on  a  dead  race  for  home. 

Out  come  my  mare,  and  in  a  couple  of  shakes 
of  a  sheep's  tail  we  was  a  doin'  our  three  minits 
jest  as  fine  as  silk.  Joe  was  on  the  lead,  a  goin' 
like  mad,  but  tell  ye  what,  Uncle  Billy,  with  the 
soft  snow  under  her,  my  mare  handled  her  feet 
like  a  colt,  and  I  went  by  the  hull  bilin',  all  but 
Joe,  jest  like  greased  lightnin'.  He  was  a  long 
ways  on  the  lead,  and  hearin'  the  hollerin,  turned 
around,  and  when  he  see  me  I  heard  him  sav — 


THE  BILL  OF  BALK.  261 

c*  There's  that  darn  critter  of  the  deacon's  agin- 
Til  give  her  another  heat,  by  Jerusalem." 

Well,  he  tried  it,  but  I  passed  him  like  a  mile 
post,  druv  on  to  the  Squashtown  tavern,  and  run 
my  mare  inside  the  shed. 

Up  they  come  in  a  minit,  and  the  first  words 
Joe  said,  was, 

"  How  in  thunder  come  you  by  the  deacon's 
mare  ?" 

"  Bought  her/'  ses  L 

"  The  nation,"  ses  he.  "  I've  been  a  tryin'  him 
for  that  mare  for  goin'  on  three  year.  I'd  a 
guessed  he'd  have  traded  off  his  old  woman 
first.  There,  Jed,  you're  a  pokin'  fun ;  I  don't  be- 
lieve it." 

"Maybe  you've  seen  the  deacon's  handwrite 
afore  now,"  ses  I,  a  handin'  him  a  paper. 

He  snatched  it,  and  read  right  out — 

"  Sguashtown,  January  17, 1842. 
"  This  is  to  certify,  I  have  sold  my  nine  year 
old  bay  mare  to  Jedediah  Bunce,  for  a  valuable 
consideration,  and  I  hereby  warrant  her  as  per- 
fectly sound  in  wind  and  limb  as  she  was  the 
minit  I  bought  her. 

"SOLOMON  SQUASH. 
"Witness, 
"  SEMPKONIUS  TUBES." 


262  DIAMOND  CUT  DIAMOND. 

"Well  there  now,  I'm  took  in  for  once/'  ses 
he.  "  I  allers  called  her  only  eight ;  but  the  na- 
tion, Jed,  how  come  you  to  buy  sech  a  critter  ? 
What'll  you  do  with  her — not  take  her  down  to 
Texas,  where  horses  are  cheap  as  dirt  ?" 

"  I  dunno,"  ses  I,  "  give  her  to  Georgo,  I  guess, 
and  let  her  stand  for  that  critter  you  put  onto 
him." 

"  Well,  Jed/'  ses  he,  "  I  did  chizzle  him  too 
bad.  It  kinder  hurt  my  feelins,  when  I  come  to 
think  on't ;  and  if  it  wasn't  for  my  rule — a  trade's 
a  trade — I'd  a  come  next  mornin'  and  swapped 
back.  Psho,  Jed,  that's  no  kind  of  critter  for 
George ;  he'll  get  swindled  out  on  her  in  a  week ; 
he  don't  know  nothin'  about  hosses  ;  but  you,  Jed, 
you  kin  talk  boss  and  read  hoss.  You  hav  n't 
been  among  the  mustangs  for  nothin',  and  I'd  be 
mighty  skeary  about  tradin'  with  you,  that's  a 
fact.  You  don't  want  to  swop  for  the  best  farm 
hoss  in  the  State — weighs  thirteen  hundred ;  jest 
risin'  seven,  and  worth  two  of  your  critter,  for 
George — do  ye  ?" 

"  Donno,"  ses  I ;  "  keep  her  a  while,  maybe ; 
but  that  new  sleigh's  a  plaguy  sight  too  light; 
must  get  a  heavier  one.  She'll  tear  this  to  flin- 
ders, the  way  she  goes. 

"  I'll  trade  my  sleigh,  buffalo  robe  and  all— un- 
sight,  unseen— for  your'n,"  ses  he,  mighty  spry ; 


JOE  IS  BADLY  SOLD.  263 

and  most  a  grand  one  it  is ;  paid  fifteen  dollars 
yesterday,  for  new  runners  and  paintin'.  I'll 
trade  for  twenty  dollars  to  boot." 

"  Give  you  five,"  ses  I. 

"  Done,"  ses  he — and  out  he  bolted,  and  took 
out  his  hoss.  When  he  come  in,  ses  I,  "  there's 
your  five  dollars." 

"And  there's  your  sleigh,"  ses  he;  "where's 
mine?" 

"  I  dunno," — ses  I — "  I  ain't  got  none,  but  that 
five  dollar  trap" — a  pintin'  to  the  one  he'd  just 
traded. 

u  What  did  you  ride  up  here  in  ?"  ses  he. 

a  A  drygoods  box,  sot  on  hoop-poles,"  ses  I. 

"  Bring  that  up." 

"'Tain't  mine;  I  borrer'd  it  from  Faithful 
Cutter." 

"  Jehoshophat !    Let's  have  the  buffalo." 

"  That's  Faithful's,  too." 

"  Jed  Bunce,"  he  begun,  "  you  dod-rotted  slip- 
pery skunk " 

"  Easy  over  the  stones,  Joe,"  ses  I.  "  A  trade's 
a  trade,  ye  know." 

"  Well,  that's  a  fact,"  ses  he.  "  Boys,  come  up, 
and  take  a  leetle  bitters ;  and  mind,  I'll  pay  for 
supper  and  trimmin's  if  you'll  shet  pan  about  this 
trade." 

I  tell  ye,  neighbors,  there  was  a  rale  genoine 


264  DIAMOND  CUT  DIAMOND. 

Yankee  laugh  bust  out  jest  about  that  time,  and 
it  continer'd  to  be  heard  every  leetle  while  du- 
rin'  the  evenin'. 

When  supper  was  over,  Joe  was  putty  well 
primed,  and  nothin'  would  do  but  I  must  try  his 
great  grey  hoss.  I  knew  the  critter  all  over,  and 
most  a  grand  beast  he  was,  only  plaguy  nigh  four 
years  older'n  Joe  made  him  out.  When  I'd 
played  Joe  long  enough,  I  asked  him  a  clean  hun- 
dred to  boot,  but  at  last  backed  down  to  fifty,  and 
then  he  clinched. 

"  Boys,"  ses  Joe — a  handin'  me  over  the  fifty — 
"laughin's  ketchin'.  Jed's  had  his  laugh,  now 
I've  got  mine.  I  said  my  hoss  was  risin'  seven  ; 
considable  risin' — quite  a  risin1  carackter — he's 
'leven  in  the  spring." 

"  Why  Joe,"  ses  I,  «  you  dod-rotted  slippery 
skunk!" 

"  A  trade's  a  trade?  ses  he.  "  If  you'd  a  chiz- 
zled  me  clean  out  of  old  grey  and  the  fifty,  I'd 
have  said  the  same." 

"  What's  the  bay  mare  worth  ?"  ses  I. 

"  She'll  bring  four  hundred  dollars  in  Boston, 
easy,"  ses  he. 

"  Then  I  bought  her  most  amazin'  cheap,"  ses 
I.  "  Paid  the  deacon  fifteen  dollars,  and  he  made 
money  on  her,  too." 

"  Wfea-a-a-t  ?"  roars  out  Joe. 


SENSIBLE  TO  THE  LAST.  265 

"  Certin,"  says  I.  "  He  bought  her  of  George 
this  very  day  for  fourteen  dollars  and  fifty  cents," 

Joe  ketched  up  a  lantern,  went  out,  came  back, 
and  slappin'  his  fist  on  the  counter,  ses — 

"  Jed,  you  go  to Texas." 

"  Certin,"  ses  I.  "  Goin7  next  week  ;  and  afore 
I  go,  I'll  give  you  one  leetle  piece  of  advice,  Joe 
Hopkins.  Don't  be  a  poJcin?  your  trades  down  every 
man's  throat,  or  maybe  some  one  will  shut  down  his 
teet/i,  and  your  fingers  may  catch  it;  and  when  you  do 
trade,  jest  look  everything  all  over  twice  putty  close,  at 
t/ie  last  minit ;  and  last  of  all,  Joe,  don't  forget  that  a 
trade's  a  trade. 


CHAPTER  XXV. 

MUD  AND  WATER — THE  TOBACCO  HUNT. 

THE  Judge,  who  had  been  very  quiet  for  some 
time — so  quiet  indeed  that  I  believed  him  dozing 
— raised  his  head,  and  fixing  a  quizzical  look  upon 
Bunce,  remarked — 

"  If  I  were  examining  you  in  court,  Sam,  I 
should  say  that  your  story  was  a  skillful  way  of 
avoiding  an  answer.  You  were  asked  to  explain 
your  absence,  at  a  period  when  all  Texas  and  part 
of  the  South-western  States  were  arming,  and  you 
have  replied  by  an  amusing  account  of  a  horse 
trade,  leaving  seven  good  months  to  be  accounted 
for." 

"  There  now,  Judge,"  replied  Sam,  "I  shouldn't 
wonder  if  you'd  nosed  out  a  mare's  nest.  Them 
seven  months  I  spent  in  York,  and  Philadelphy, 
and  Cincinater,  and  Orleans,  a  picking  up  odds  and 
eends,  for  most  nothin7,  and  that  was  about  their 
valley;  but  they  did  fust  rate  to  trade  with, 
when  you  sweetened  'em  with  a  mite  of  sugar 
266 


AN  ASSORTED  CARGO.  267 

and  coffee,  or  tobacker,  or  maybe  a  leetle  of  the 
pewter.    Why,  Judge,  I  picked  up  traps  enough 
to  trade  on  for  two  years,  and  had  more'n  half  on 
'em  left.    Them  I  put  into  a  store  to  Galveston, 
and  traded  for  land,  marked  up  my  goods  at  what 
they  was  worth  new,  put  on  one  per  cent  for  pro- 
fit, and  swopped  for  land,  at  fifteen  cents  an  acre. 
Now  the  thing's  all  done,  I  don't  mind  tellin'. 
I  had  jest  about  a  clean  five  thousand  in  hides 
and  wool,  and  Mexekin  blankets,  and  notions — 
sech    as    swans'  skins,    and    young    deers',   and 
mockin'  birds,  and  horn-toads,  and  tigers'  skins, 
and  a  few  young  bears,  and  tigers,  and  possums, 
and  coons,  and  wild-cats,  and  sech  a  cargo  as  I 
couldn't  have  got  carried  off  by  no  captin'.    So  I 
jest  hired  a  brig  right  out,  give  a  free  passage  to 
some  chaps — who  was  flat  broke,  and  wanted  to 
get  back  to  York  pesky  bad — to  help  take  keer  of 
my  meneygery ;  filled  up  with  cotton,  enough  to 
pay  all  expenses,  up  killeck,  and  off  for  York; 
and  there,  between  Phin.  Barnum,  and  the  show 
folks,  and  them  Swamp  hide  fellers,  and  the  Pine- 
street  wool  dealers,  I  cleared  out  my  adventure  in 
some  less'n  no  time,  and  come  out  over  three 
thousand  ahead. 

Well,  I  laid  out  one  thousand  in  bang-up  new 
goods,  four,  in  all  sorts  of  traps,  chips  and  whet- 
stuns ;  two  thousand  to  Orleans,  in  sugar  and  cof- 


268          MUD  AND  WATER — THE  TOBACCO  HUNT. 

fee ;  t'other  thousand,  in  payin'  expenses ;  got  my 
stuff  over  when  all  the  blockade  fuss  was  goinj 
on  ;  got  my  coffee  off  for  three  times  what  it  cost ; 
sugar,  ditto  and  likewise ;  traded  two  years  on  my 
stock ;  got  eight  hundred  head  of  cattle,  and 
swapped  off  the  rest  for  thirty-five  thousand  acres 
of  land. 

Then  I  spent  five  thousand  of  the  real  pewter, 
buyin'  old  Texas  money — cost  from  seven  up  to 
ten  per  cent. ;  and  that's  salted  away,  snug  in  a 
barrel,  in  the  vault  of  the  City  Bank,  to  Orleens  ; 
and  one  of  these  fine  mornin's,  I  guess,  you'll  find 
it  come  up,  all  standin',  right  side  up,  with  keer. 
Sence  then — and  that's  three  year  ago— me  and 
Uncle  Billy,  and  Cunnle  Ting's  been  a  tradin'  a 
leetle  in  land  ;  and  now — seein'  the  flood's  a 
comin' — I  guess  we've  all  on  us  got  about  land, 
and  stock  cattle,  and  old  red-backs,  enough  to 
aford  to  hang  up  our  fiddles,  and  wait  for  high 
tide." 

"Sam,"  said  Dr.  Allen,  "I  don't  believe  you, 
you  abominable  cormorant  and  land-shark." 

"Well,  Docter,"  replied  Sam,  "you  jest  ride 
over  Pine  Island  parara,  and  Targentin's  parara, 
and  look  for  my  brand;  and  then  head  Cedar 
Bayou,  down  to  the  mouth ;  then  over  by  Goose 
Creek,  and  round  by  Sprott's,  to  Lynchburg." 

"No  you  don't,  Sam,"— answered  Allen — "No 


ECONOMIZING  TOBACCO.  269 

you  don't ;  IVe  tried  that  confounded  Circle  Prai- 
rie, and  don't  do  it  again.  I  got  lost  there,  for 
the  first  time  in  my  life." 

"  Thar  now,  Docter,"  said  Roberts,  "  fotch  it 
out ;  let's  hev  it.  Uncle  Billy's  mighty  curus 
about  that  scrape  of  your'n,  sonny.  He  got  astray 
himself  oncet  on  that  dern  no  'count,  narrer  con- 
tracted, make-believe  of  a  parara.  Open  on  it, 
Docter ;  Uncle  Billy's  a  harkin'." 

"  Well,  you  see,  Uncle  Billy,"  commenced  Dr. 
Allen,  "I  was  staying  on  a  plantation  in  the 
lower  end  of  the  prairie,  and  near  Goose  Creek. 
It  was  during  the  time  of  the  threatened  blockade  ; 
the  Galveston  people  had  taken  fright,  and  many 
of  their  goods  were  sent  up  to  Houston.  Coffee, 
sugar,  arid  tobacco  were  very  scarce  indeed,  and 
could  only  be  obtained  by  paying  an  extravagant 
price,  even  if  you  found  them  at  all. 

Our  neighborhood,  at  last,  was  entirely  out  of 
tobacco ;  sugar  we  cared  nothing  for ;  coffee,  it 
was  very  hard  to  be  deprived  of ;  but  to  exist 
without  tobacco  was  "tolerable,  and  not  to  be 
endured."  We  had  put  off  the  evil  day  as  long  as 
we  could,  mixed  our  tobacco  with  old  coffee 
grounds,  economized  and  scraped  all  our  pockets, 
but  it  came  at  last ;  there  was  not  a  pipe-full 
south  of  Goose  Creek. 

We  tried  old  coffee-grounds  alone — no  go  ;  then 


270          MUD  AND  WATEE — THE  TOBACCO  HUNT. 

we  mixed  stramonium  with  them,  which  did 
somewhat  better,  but  was  not  over-safe  to  indulge 
in  to  any  extent.  At  last  we  heard  from  some 
one  that  Bill  Sprott  was  up  from  the  island,  and 
had  brought  a  supply  of  the  needful. 

Lots  were  drawn  to  decide  as  to  who  should 
go  after  the  weed,  and  Fate  gave  me  the  duty  to 
perform.  The  whole  prairie  was  under  water, 
from  knee  to  saddle-skirt  deep.  The  mid  prairie 
was  in  a  horrible  fix,  and  there  was  no  other  way 
left  but  to  ride  near  the  timber  of  Goose  Creek  to 
the  head  of  the  east  fork,  swim  the  stream  just 
before  it  entered  the  timber,  then  down  the  other 
side  to  the  junction  with  the  other  fork ;  up  the 
east  side  of  the  west  fork,  swim  the  creek  at  the 
head,  and  then  strike  off  diagonally  through  Circle 
Prairie  to  Sprott's  plantation. 

On  the  timber  at  the  junction,  and  right  be- 
tween the  forks,  lived  old  Jimmy  Sprott,  an  uncle 
of  the  individual  whose  tobacco  I  had  designs 
upon.  Here  I  stopped  a  moment,  to  ascertain 
if  it  were  not  possible  to  cross  the  west  branch,  in 
the  timber,  but  was  advised  not  to  think  of  it,  as 
it  was  dangerous. 

So  nothing  being  left  but  the  long  route, 
through  mud  and  water,  I  took  it  with  the  best 
grace  I  could,  and  in  four  hours  after  I  left  old 
Jimmy's,  and  six  from  the  time  I  started,  I  arri- 


CIRCLE  PRAIRIE.  271 

ved  at  my  destination — a  distance  of  two  miles  in 
an  air  line  from  home ;  of  five,  when  no  flat  was 
in  the  main  creek  to  ferry  us  over,  and  we  were 
forced  to  cross  both  branches  in  the  timber ;  and 
of  eight,  when  obliged  to  adopt  the  long  route. 

I  obtained  my  tobacco,  and  was  off  in  a  hurry. 
The  sun  had  just  set,  and  I  was  very  anxious  to 
head  the  first  branch  if  possible  before  it  was 
quite  dark  ;  so  I  drove  the  spurs  into  the  sides  of 
my  wearied  animal,  and  for  a  few  minutes  he 
threw  the  water  finely ;  but,  alas !  it  was  but  a 
temporary  ebullition  of  spirit,  and  he  soon  subsi- 
ded into  the  stereotyped  splash,  splash,  splash. 

This  prairie  is  surrounded  on  the  south  by  the 
timber  of  the  bay,  on  the  east  by  that  of  the  main 
Goose  Creek,  and  on  the  west  and  north  by  a  suc- 
cession of  mots  of  timber,  of  various  dimensions, 
but  so  near  together,  and  so  exactly  on  an  ellipti- 
cal curve,  as  to  appear,  at  a  short  distance,  to  be 
a  solid  continuous  line  of  timber. 

There  was  no  moon,  and  night  had  no  sooner 
drawn  her  veil  over  the  heavens,  than  the  clouds 
began  to  gather  and  the  stars  to  disappear,  one 
by  one,  from  my  anxious  gaze.  I  had  but  one 
safe  course  to  adopt,  and  that  was  to  ride  along 
the  mots  of  timber  until  they  brought  me  near 
the  creek,  then  keep  up  the  creek  timber — giving 
it  as  wide  a  berth  as  I  could,  while  keeping  it  in 


272          MUD  AND  WATER — THE  TOBACCO  HUNT 

sight,  on  account  of  the  dangerous  gulleys,  half 
hidden  in  tall  marais  grass — to  the  head ;  and 
then  home,  by  the  same  route  that  I  came. 

The  last  mot  of  timber  nearly  joined  that  at 
the  creek,  and  at  this  point  the  stream  turned 
off  at  a  right  angle,  and  then  curved  away  to  the 
east. 

Slowly  and  weariedly  my  horse  passed  mot 
after  mot.  The  last — the  one  nearest  the  creek — 
I  had  intended  to  avoid,  and  pass  between  it  and 
the  second.  At  last,  I  rode  so  long  by  the  side  of 
a  piece  of  timber,  that  I  was  convinced  I  had 
passed  my  intended  turning  point;  but  having 
passed,  there  was  nothing  to  do  but  to  keep  on. 

Presently  there  was  a  clear  opening  before  me. 
Dark  as  it  was,  I  could  see  that ;  and  in  a  mo- 
ment more  I  saw  something  that  I  did  not  like  as 
well — bright  lights  upon  the  prairie — but  a  short 
distance  ahead. 

When  I  had  stopped  at  old  Jimmy's,  I  found 
his  boys  making  preparations  for  a  fire-hunt,  over 
the  very  ground  where  I  then  supposed  myself  to 
be,  and  if  I  rode  nearer,  there  was  no  telling  what 
risk  I  might  run  of  coming  in  for  a  chance  shot ; 
so  I  spurred  my  horse  into  a  lope,  and  dashed  off 
for  the  lights — shouting  as  I  rode.  At  last  I  was 
answered,  but  the  distance  between  us  was  greater 
than  I  had  supposed,  and  I  could  but  just  hear  the 


A  HALT  AND  A  TUMBLE.  273 

voice.  Two  lights  were  stationary  and  one  moved 
on.  Suddenly,  my  horse  stopped,  and  so  abruptly 
as  to  throw  himself  almost  upon  his  haunches, 
and  me  nearly  over  his  head.  He  had  planted  his 
fore-feet  so  firmly  in  the  soft  prairie  that  it  seemed 
as  if  they  were  intended  to  take  root  there — f or 
not  an  inch  further  forward  would  he  budge.  I 
coaxed  and  urged,  but  all  in  vain ;  there  he  re- 
mained immovable,  every  now  and  then  blowing 
and  snorting,  as  if  in  fear.  Now  a  horse  is  no 
fool — as  you  all  know — and  I  was  certain  that 
something  was  wrong.  It  might  be  a  gully 
ahead,  or  it  might  be  a  tiger — as  we  improperly 
call  the  panther.  There  had  been  one  lately  in  ' 
the  west  fork  timber,  and  Sparks'  boys  and  I  had 
heard  him  crying  about  sunset,  a  few  days  before. 
We  had  hunted  until  dark,  but  could  not  find 
him. 

If  it  was  a  gully,  I  had  better  get  off  and  exam- 
ine the  ground ;  if  a  tiger,  I  was  quite  as  well  off 
in  the  saddle.  It  would  not  do  however,  to  turn 
my  horse's  head  and  alter  my  direction,  for  then 
I  should  certainly  be  lost  ;  so,  trusting  to  luck,  I 
dismounted,  and  taking  the  caberos  in  my  hand, 
proceeded  to  investigate  the  ground.  I  made  a 
step  ahead  of  my  horse,  and  down  I  went,  ten 
feet  into  a  soft  marsh. 

I  picked  myself  up,  and  strained  my  eyes  to 
18 


274:          MUD  AND  WATER — THE  TOBACCO  HUNT. 

their  utmost  capacity  in  looking  ahead.  I  knew 
then  where  I  was.  I  had  not  only  passed  the  last 
mot,  but  had  followed  round  the  creek  timber — 
down,  instead  of  up  stream — until  I  arrived  at  a 
place  where  the  open  prairie  ran  to  the  water 
upon  either  side,  but  between  us  and  the  water 
was  a  quagmire  that  would  have  bogged  a 
blanket. 

The  worst,  the  most  aggravating,  the  unkindest 
cut  of  all,  was,  that  one  of  those  lights  shone  from 
the  window  of  the  very  home  that  I  had  left  at 
noon,  the  other  at  a  near  neighbor's,  and  the  third 
had  been  borne  by  some  one  passing  between  the 
two — probably  in  quest  of  me  and  my  tobacco. 

I  do  not  know  that  I  was  ever  more  amazed  in 
my  life.  I  had  matches  with  me,  and  by  rubbing 
one  smartly  over  my  coat  sleeve,  obtained  light 
enough  to  see  that  it  was  .eleven  o'clock  by  my 
watch.  I  had  been  paddling  about  in  this  prairie 
four  hours  and  a  half.  I  had  been  in  the  saddle, 
and  wet  pretty  much  all  over,  nearly  eleven 
hours.  My  horse  was  nearly  done  up  ;  self  ditto  ; 
there  was  home  within  a  quarter  of  a  mile,  and 
no  chance  of  my  reaching  it  for  the  next  five 
hours. 

It  was  becoming  abominably  cold,  and  besides 
experiencing  that  agreeable  sensation,  I  was  also 
very  wet,  muddy,  wearied,  and  hungry.  But  a 


A  QUEER  PILOT.  275 

shelter  I  was  determined  to  find ;  for  having  bnt 
just  recovered  from  an  attack  of  fever,  a  night 
upon  the  wet  ground  would  not  have  suited  my 
constitution  at  all. 

I  knew  that  upon  the  edge  of  all  timber  a  well 
defined  cow  trail  is  invariably  found,  and  always 
upon  the  best  ground,  and  such  an  one,  I  was  very 
sure,  was  the  path  in  which  I  stood.  It  would 
not  have  been  safe  to  have  followed  it  on  horse- 
back, since  I  should  have  had  my  body  ground 
against  trees,  and  my  head  broken  with  low  hang- 
ing branches,  every  few  steps ;  and  it  was  too 
abominably  dark  to  avoid  it,  besides,  I  was  afraid 
my  horse  would  give  out. 

I  therefore  determined  to  foot  it,  through  mud 
and  water,  and  that  my  horse  should  pilot  me. 
So  keeping  him  under  my  command,  by  holding 
on  one  end  of  my  long  caberos,  I  started  him  oft* 
upon  the  trail  ahead  of  me,  and  away  we  went. 
He  followed  the  track  like  a  sleuth-hound,  and  on- 
ward, by  the  timber  and  through  it ;  sometimes 
out  in  the  prairie,  heading  the  gullies ;  sometimes 
plunging  down  them  and  up  again,  I  followed 
him  until  we  arrived  at  the  old  trail,  that  led  to 
the  crossing  in  the  timber,  which  I  had  previously 
avoided  on  account  of  its  danger,  but  now  I  deter- 
mined to  take  the  chance. 

I  remounted  my  horse ;  he  knew  the  road  well, 


276    MUD  AND  WATER — THE  TOBACCO  HUNT. 

and  in  five  minutes  we  were  on  the  bank  of  the 
creek. 

The  first  dash  brought  us  in  water  up  to  my 
saddle-flaps ;  the  next,  my  horse's  knees  came  in 
contact  with  a  partly  submerged  tree.  He  made 
a  regular  dive — almost  turned  a  somersault — and 
both  of  us  went  entirely  under ;  for  my  feet  were 
out  of  the  stirrups,  and  I,  extended  at  length  upon 
his  back.  In  a  moment  his  head  was  up,  and 
puffing  and  snorting,  he  struck  out  furiously  for 
the  other  bank.  Having  lost  ground  by  our  sub- 
mersion, we  reached  the  other  shore  below  the 
landing,  and  at  a  steeper  bank.  With  a  violent 
effort,  the  horse  managed  to  plant  his  fore-feet 
upon  the  ground,  when,  catching  hold  of  an  over- 
hanging limb  I  swung  myself  ashore.  After  a 
severe  struggle,  aided  by  all  the  assistance  in  my 
power,  the  horse  at  last  fairly  floundered  out,  and 
stood  upon  the  bank,  trembling  in  every  nerve. 

Putting  him  again  upon  the  lead,  through  the 
timber  we  went,  then  down  its  side,  and  old  Jim- 
my's field  fence  was  before  me.  I  shouted  loud 
and  long,  for  the  boys  to  call  the  dogs  off.  At 
last  they  came — that  is,  both  boys  and  dogs — my 
beast  was  taken  care  of ;  self  ditto ;  and  so  at  two 
o'clock  in  the  morning,  I  found  myself  at  the  half 
way  house — which  I  had  left  twelve  hours  before 
— returning  to  it  a  wiser  and  a  wetter  man  ;  hav- 


AN  EXPENSIVE  LUXURY.  277 

ing  learned,  at  least,  to  let  Circle  Prairie  alone  in 
the  night  time. 

The  tobacco  was  rather  dear,  and  I  estimated 
it  thus : — 

3  Ibs.  Tobacco,  at  $1  per  lb., $    3  00 

Horse  and  Man,  day  and  night, 5  00 

30  days  Ague,  in  consequence,  at  $10  per  day, 300  00 

30  days  Time  and  Expenses,  at  $2, 60  00 

Grand  Total, $368  00 

Whether  the  experience  I  had  gained  was 
worth  the  extra  price,  or  not,  may  be  considered 
as  a  mooted  question. 


CHAPTEE  XXVI. 

THE  SAN  JAOINTO  RACES— THE  LITTLE  HEKO  AND  THB 
BIG  BULLY. 

"Pn  mighty  apt  to  know  ivry  rod  of  that  ar 
consarned  parara,  timber  and  all,  said  Uncle 
Billy.  "What  a  blessed  family  them  Sprotts 
wer — all  but  old  Uncle  Jimmy  and  his  boys,  pre- 
haps.  They  wer  allers  mighty  docious,  ondly 
when  Captin  Whiskey  got  his  grip  onto  the  old 
man. 

Prehaps  I  didn't  hev  a  laugh  at  him  oncet. 
I  wer  a  drivin'  down  the  prairie  with  about  a 
dozen  boys  Pd  picked  up  on  the  Trinity,  and  a 
makin'  for  Sam  Houston's  camp.  The  Mexikins 
hed  jest  burned  Harrisburg,  and  wer  down  onto 
the  Bay,  by  Morgan's  plantation,  and  the  San 
Jacinto  races  wer  a  goin*  on. 

Thar  wasn't  no  club  puss,  but  ivry  man  run  for 
his  own  stake,  and  the  Tuscasete  road  wer  lined 

with  settlers  goin'  east,  a  foot  and  a  horseback,  in 
278 


THE  OLD  NICK  TO  PAY.  279 

wagons  and  carts ;  and  all  a  makin  tracks  as  if  the 
old  sarpent  war  a  barkin'  right  piert  on  thar  trail. 

We  tried  hard  to  get  some  of  the  men  to  jine, 
but  not  a  soul  dar'd  show  his  teeth  to  the  Mexi- 
kins — though  dern  my  skin  ef  the  wimmin  warn't 
full  of  fight — and  I  sartinly  believe  I  could  hev 
raised  a  full  company  of  'em  atween  the  Co- 
shattes  and  the  Tuscasete. 

When  we  come  to  Luce  Bayou,  who  should  we 
meet  but  old  Jemmy  Sprott  and  all  his  family. 
Jimmy  war  a  straddlin'  a  slab-sided  white  mar', 
and  a  drivin'  a  par  of  beeves,  hitched  onto  a 
cart,  that  held  his  old  woman  and  all  kinds  of 
plunder." 

"  Ge-whilikins !"  ses  I,  "  is  that  you,  Jimmy ! 
with  yer  tail  atween  yer  legs,  a  runnin'  like  a 
whipped  hound  from  them  Mexikin  cowards  ? 
"Not  like  your  breed,  Jimmy — though  I  never 
faver'd  'em  much — but  better  bad  blood  than 
thin  blood  sech  times  as  these." 

"  Why,  Majer,"  ses  he,  "  what's  a  feller  to  do  ? 
Heah's  Santanner  right  across  the  San  Jacinto,  a 
raisin'  the  old  dragon,  and  whose  to  help  ?" 

"  Whose  to  help  3"  ses  I.  "  Eusk's  to  help,  and 
Sam  Houston's  to  help  ;  and  Menard,  and  Baker, 
and  Hockley,  and  Turner,  and  the  Whartons,  and 
old  Niel,  with  his  big  guns,  and — iv'ry  one's  to 
help.  Why,  Jimmy,  the  old  fox  hes  run  his  bed 


280  THE  SAN  JACINTO  RACES. 

inter  right  smart  of  a  trap.  Rusk  let  the  old 
coon  slip  by,  and  then  jest  slid  in  atween  him, 
and  Urea,  and  Filisola;  and  ef  Houston  don't 
fight  now,  then  Eusk  keent  make  him,  that's  all." 

"  Well,  Majer,"  ses  he,  "  ye  see  we  all  took  a 
kinder  skear,  and  thar  wer  a  regler  stampede 
agoin'  on,  and  the  old  woman  and  me  allowed 
we'd  best  vamos  too ;  and  now,  ye  see,  I  recken 
we'd  best  keep  on/' 

"  You  lie,  Jim  Sprott,"  bust  out  the  old  woman, 
"and  ye  know  it.  Whose  afeard  of  Santanner  but 
you  ?  Thar's  little  Jim,  he  kin  shoot  a  rifle  on  a 
rest ;  he  ain't  afeard ;  he  wanted  to  jine  the  army 
— the  stuffy  leetle  sarpent,  and  ondly  just  a  risin* 
nine — and  you,  Jim  Sprott,  to  be  afeard  of  that 
yaller  nigger,  Santanner.  Ef  he'd  cum  a  pokin' 
around  whar  I  wer,  I  allow  he'd  git  a  pot  of 
bilin'  water  round  his  hed  and  shoulders.  Yes — 
don't  look  riley — you,  Jim,  to  be  a  puttin'  out, 
and  runnin'  like  a  scart  deer  in  a  perara  a  fire, 
when  every  settler,  ondly  no  'count  whelps,  has 
gone  to  jine  the  army." 

"Another  thing,  Jimmy,"— ses  I— "  Ef  the 
Mexikins  does  cross,  and  sends  their  scoutin'  par- 
ties out,  some  on  'em's  bound  to  find  you  out,  and 
then  I  recken  you'll  wish  you'd  a  put  yerself 
where  you  could  hev  fit  for  it." 

"  Yer  Uncle  Jimmy  can  sight  a  rifle  yet,  Ma- 


OLD  BILL  SPROTT.  281 

ger,"  ses  he— a  pullin'  a  gun  outer  the  cart,  and  a 
takin'  aim. 

"  Sight !  Jimmy ;  yes,"  ses  I,  "  but  when  it  comes 
to  shootin',  I  allers  recken  hit's  best  to  hev  a  lock 
on  yer  gun,  and  that  hasn't,  ner  t'other  one  in  the 
cart,  ither." 

"  No  more  it  hesn't  nither,"  says  he.  "  Well, 
well,  I  took  them  locks  off  to  clean  and  ile,  and 
consarn  my  ugly  picter  ef  I  didn't  disremember 
to  put  'em  on  agin.  I  recken,  Majer,  I'd  best 
take  your  advice,  and  toe  the  back  track." 

Back  the  old  varmint  went,  and  though  he  did 
get  to  camp,  he  wer  mighty  apt  to  keep  off  tell  the 
Mexikins  hed  got  thar  lickin,  but  he  carried  away 
his  sheer  of  the  prisoners.  You  know  they  war 
divided  out  amongst  the  settlers,  and  sot  to  work 
for  thar  livin'. 

Old  Bill  Sprott,  though — prehaps  he  wasn't  one 
of  'em.  In  the  old  Mexikin  times  he  wer  alcalde, 
or  wreck-master,  or  suthin  ;  piloted  vessels  up  the 
bay,  and  iv'ry  little  while,  one  on  'em  would  run 
slap  onto  a  sand-bank,  or  into  the  mud  at  low 
tide,  and  then  he'd  hev  'em  sold  out  at  auction  fer 
a  song ;  and  I'd  like  to  hev  seen  the  man  down 
thar  that  dar'd  to  buy  even  a  pound  of  tobakker 
onless  Sprott  said  so. 

Thar  wer  a  brig  comin'  up  oncet,  and  the  captin' 
wouldn't  steer  her  whar  he  wer  told  to.  Old 


282  THE  SAN  JACINTO  EACES. 

gprott  bed  his  crowd  along.  Thar  wer  a  diffikilty 
riz  up,  and  in  a  minit  crack  goes  a  rifle,  and  down 
tumbles  the  captin,  shot  squar7  through  the  hed. 
Prehaps  that  cargo  didn't  go  off  cheap.  The  old 
man  sot  out  to  be  King  of  the  Parara,  and  fer  a 
while  he  wer.  He  ruled  that  neck-of- the- woods 
with  his  rifle,  I  tell  ye.  Them  that  stuck  by  him 
did  well  enough,  but  ef  a  settler  wer  stuffy- 
enough  to  stand  up  to  his  rack,  his  fences  wer 
tore  down,  his  cattle  shot  down  in  the  perara,  and 
all  sorts  of  divilment  worked  on  him. 

Arter  the  fight  at  San  Jacinto,  things  didn't 
work  quite  so  smooth.  Thar  wer  two  pertickler 
settlers  he  never  could  let  alone — old  Docter 
White,  that  lived  on  the  perara  below,  and  a  man 
called  Bingham,  on  tother  side  the  Bay. 

White  had  been  abused  so  long,  that  he  never 
looked  for  any  difikilty  thar,  but  Bingham  wer  a 
hoss  of  another  color.  He  had  the  best  house  and 
the  best  craps  in  the  hull  country,  and  everything 
snug  and  nice  around  him.  I  reckon  he  wer  the 
first  white  settler  on  the  Bay — wer  allers  ready  to 
help  the  new  comers,  and  hed  got  the  good  will 
of  the  Bay  people — all  but  old  Sprott  and  his 
gang.  They  said  he'd  been  one  of  Lafitte's  men, 
but  had  got  religion,  and  settled  down. 

Sprott  were  mighty  scart  of  him,  and  didn't 


J 


CATCHING  A  TARTAR.  283 

dar  to  meddle  not  onless  he  could  fall  onto  him  on 
his  own  side  of  the  water. 

One  day  Bingham  went  up  to  Lynchburg,  in 
his  dug-out,  and  wer  a  settin'  smokin'  his  pipe  in 
the  tavern,  when  who  should  walk  in  but  old 
Sprott  and  his  crowd. 

Now,  old  Sprott  wer  a  giant,  big  as  Sam  Hous- 
ton, and  a  mighty  sight  meatier — and  Bingham 
war  a  small  man,  but  rayther  solid,  and  spry  as  a 
wild-cat.  He  hadn't  but  one  eye,  nither,  and 
wer  prehaps  the  last  man  you'd  hev  picked  out  to 
hev  sot  up  agin  Sprott." 

"  Oho,"  ses  Sprott,  "  I've  ketched  you,  hev  I  ? 
I  swore  I'd  hev  yer  heart's  blood  if  I  iver  sot  eyes 
on  ye.  Here,  ye  one-eyed  son  of  a  dog,"  (it  wer 
a  female  dog,  I  reckon),  take  that,  for  a  taste*' — 
and  he  let  drive  his  fist  at  him. 

'Now  thar  wer  a  crowd  in  the  room,  but  not  a 
man  could  iver  tell  what  hanuened  then.  All 
they  see,  wer  Sprott  and  Bingham  down  on  the 
floor,  and  in  hafe  a  shake  Bingham  broke  through 
?em,  and  wer  in  his  dug-out,  and  pullin'  for  home, 
and  thar  lay  old  Sprott  on  his  back — eyes  and 
nose  mostly  stove  in,  blood  a  runnin'  outer  his 
mouth,  and  his  face  all  a  jelly.  Bingham  did  it 
all  up  so  mighty  spry,  they  couldn't  see  a  thing, 
not  rightly  tell  it  wer  all  over. 

Some  of  Sprott's  crowd  run  to  pick  him  up,  and 


284:  THE  SAN  JACINTO  RACES. 

some  put  out  arter  Bingham — but  he  were  too 
smart  for  'em.  The  only  boat  but  his  on  the  shore 
wer  Sprott's,  and  that  he'd  got  in  tow. 

Well,  they  blazed  away  with  their  rifles,  but 
didn't  faze  him,  and  then  sot  out  to  hunt  another 
boat  to  carry  Sprott  home  with. 

When  they  got  the  old  sarpent  down  to  Sprott's 
Bay,  thar  were  a  file  of  sogers,  sent  by  Sam 
Houston,  to  arrest  the  old  man  for  piracy  and 
murder — and  he'd  hev  hed  his  neck  stretched, 
ondly  he  saved  his  life,  by  dying  in  his  bed. 

The  awful  beatin'  and  the  fight,  sot  a  fever  a 
goin'  and  that  wer  the  last  of  old  Sprott. 

Betwixt  the  man  he  did  fear,  and  the  man  he 
didn't,  he  got  his  settlement.  A  few  days  afore 
he  got  his  whippin',  he  and  his  crowd  were  around 
to  Docter  White's,  and  went  to  work  a  killin'  and 
a  dressin'  the  Docter's  hogs  right  afore  his  eyes. 

The  old  Docter  wer  a  sorter  quaker,  and  it  took 
smart  chaince  of  abuse  to  set  his  back  up — but 
he  wer  powerful  fond  of  pork — and  this  last  divil- 
ment  touched  him  in  a  soft  spot.  So,  up  he  goes 
to  Sam  Houston,  and  Sam  knowin'  both  the  men, 
swar  he'd  see  him  righted — sent  off  a  file  of  sogers, 
to  take  the  old  pirate,  and  they  stuck  thar  tell  he 
wer  dead  and  buried. 


CHAPTER  XXVH. 

A   KISE    OUT  OF   JOHN  BULL,  AND  THE  WOODEN  DOUGH- 
NUTS. 

"  MR.  BUNCE,"  I  inquired,  "  pray  tell  me  how 
you  obtained  the  soubriquet  of  "  Sam  Slick  ?" 

"  You've  made  a  friend  of  him  for  life,"  said 
Uncle  Billy,  "  sartin.  He's  been  a  settin  on 
thistles  this  hafe-hour,  and  a  itchin  to  give  tongue, 
no  odds  on  what  trail.  He's  all  wound  up  like 
one  of  his  own  clocks ;  you've  sot  him  agoin,  and 
hang  my  picter,  ef  you  kin  choke  him  off  tell  he's 
clar  run  down." 

"  Oh,  psho,  Uncle  Billy,"  retorted  Bunce,  "  I 
know  a  man  about  your  size  that  kin  spin  yarns 
with  any  one,  if  he  gits  a  chance,  so  don't  ye  go 
to  throwin'  stuns,  not  tell  your  own  glass  house  is 
insured.  The  Squire  there  asked  me  a  civil  ques- 
tion, and  that  desarves  a  civil  answer, — at  least 

that's  manners  where  I  come  from, 

285 


286  THE  WOODEN  DOUGH-NTTTS. 

You  see.  Squire,  when  I  first  come  to  Texas,  I 
brought  over  all  the  old  traps  I  had ;  most  on  em 
things  you  couldn't  sell  nor  give  away,  but  I  tell 
you,  when  I  mixed  em  a  lettle  with  a  few  new 
goods,  and  threw  in  a  sprinklin  of  the  pewter — 
pewter  was  pewter  then,  and  a  dollar  as  big  as  the 
side  of  a  house— they  all  traded  off  first  rate  for 
cattle. 

Amongst  other  things,  I  had  a  dreadful  big  lot 
of  old-fashioned  wooden  clocks,  that  wouldn't  go 
nohow  in  Alabamy,  but  they  went  off  here  to 
kill. 

You  see,  when  I  traded  with  the  folks,  I  never 
asked  for  cash  pay,  but  allers  managed  to  pay  'em 
a  leetle,  but  then  I  carried  off  their  hides,  and 
they  did  me  better'n  money.  "Well,  jest  about 
that  time,  them  most  amazin  funny  books  that  the 
old  Judge  writ  about  Cousin  Sam,  got  to  bein' 
around  putty  much  all  over,  and  I  bein'  kinder 
proud  of  Sam,  let  it  leak  out  putty  much  all  round 
how  near  kin  we  was,  only  he's  a  plaguy  sight  the 
oldest ; — so,  puttin'  that  and  my  clock  trade  to- 
gether, they  jest  fitted  tha<,  handle  to  my  axe." 

"  How  manv  of  the  old  Judge's  stories  are 
true  I"  I  asked.  "  Well,"  said  he,  "  I  dunno ; 
putty  much  like  my  Injin  story,  I  guess.  There's 
one  thing  certin  as  preachin',  that  if  Sara's  told 
him  some  things  that  didn't  happen,  there's  an 


A  DEOLL  CARGO.  287 

amazin'  big  squad  that  has,    he  did'nt  let  on 
about. 

Now  that  Atashy  story's  nothin'  but  moonshine. 
Sam  went  across,  and  he  poked  his  nose  in,  putty 
much  all  over,  I  guess, — that's  his  way  of  doin' 
things.  He's  putty  generally  give  up  in  our 
parts  to  be  a  leetle  the  modestest  man  in  all  crea- 
tion, and  never  does  nothin'  that  he's  ashamed  on. 
There's  some  folks  though,  ses  it's  because  he  ain't 
ashamed  of  nothin', — but  that's  all  envy. 

Now,  Sam  went  to  England  on  some  curus  kind 
of  specilations  that  nobody  ever'd  heard  or  thought 
on  afore,  and  one  on  'em  I  know  he  never  leaked 
out  to  the  Judge.  He  took  over  with  him  putty 
nigh  a  ship-load  of  clocks,  and  when  the  bills  was 
made  out,  the  makers  was  for  puttin'  'em  down 
amazin'  low,  but  no ; — Sam  said,  "  do  the  fair 
thing  by  Johnny  Bull,"  and  so  the  vally  was  sot 
down  straight's  a  shingle. 

They  was  the  first  lot  of  Yankee  clocks  that 
went  over,  and  cost  about  a  dollar  and  fifty  cents 
apiece,  take  'em  all  round. 

Well,  the  apprisers  was  peskily  plagued  to  find 
out  their  vally,  and  at  last  said  the  invice  was'nt 
right,  no  how — so  they  sot  'em  down  at  five  dol- 
lars apiece. 

Now  John  Bull's  got  a  law,  or  he  had  one  then, 
that  if  a  man  thinks  be  ain't  fairly  dealt  with,  and 


288  THE  WOODEN  DOUGH-NUTS. 

his  goods  is  marked  up  too  high,  the  country  must 
jest  step  in  and  take  'em  off  his  hands  if  he  wants 
'em  to,  and  this  is  exactly  the  wrinkle  Sam  had 
got  inter  his  head.  He  didn't  set  any  snare  for 
'em,  but  jest  did  everything  fair  and  above  board. 
They  sot  the  twich  up,  and  then  run  their  own 
necks  in  it, — jest  as  Sam  knew  they  would.  So 
Sam  told  'em  sence  they  put  so  high  a  vally  on 
the  article,  he  guessed  they'd  best  keep  'em. 

It  was  about  the  cutest  thing  he  had  ever  did, 
and  the  best  spec  he'd  made  so  far,  but  that  wasn't 
all.  He  had  down  to  York  a  great  squad  of  old- 
fashioned  clocks,  that  he  couldn't  do  nothin'  with, 
so  he  got  the  story  spread  there  putty  much  all 
over,  and  every  body  in  the  English  trade  went  to 
buyin'  clocks.  Sam's  sold  for  double  what  they 
cost  ;  they  didn't  keer  what  kind  of  clock  it  was ; 
they  was  all  intended  for  John  Bull's  benefit. 

But  he'd  got  enough  of  the  first  lot, — one  was  a 
dose,  and  a  putty  hard  one  to  swaller. 

Sam  see  putty  plain  that  this  rule  wouldn't  work 
twice  the  same  way,  so  he  went  to  work  to  cipher 
out  some  other  case  to  apply  it  to. 

When  he'd  figured  it  all  up,  and  sot  it  down,  he 
pulls  up  stakes,  and  away  he  goes  to  Paris.  There 
he  orders  five  thousand  dozen  of  the  very  best  su- 
perfine A.  No.  1,  kid  gloves,  all  bang  up  and  no 
mistake.  These  he  had  packed  in  a  way  that 


THE  BIGHT-HAND  GLOVES.  289 

made  Mounsheer  Bulfrog  open  his  eyes  wide 
enough.  All  the  right  hand  gloves  was  put  in  one 
set  of  cases,  and  the  left  hand  ones  in  another. 

The  Frenchers  sakrayed  consideble,  but 
couldn't  make  head  ner  tail  out  on't.  At  last, 
they  bother'd  Sam  so  bad,  that  he  told  'em 
that  the  women  folks  in  England  was  subject  to 
a  dreadful  disease  like  in  the  hands,  and  they 
was  often  took  off,  so  that  single  gloves  sold 
fust  rate  there. 

When  he'd  got  all  ready,  he  had  the  cases  of 
right-hand  gloves  shipped  to  a  man  in  London, 
and  ordered  the  tothers  to  be  sent  on  to  Liverpool, 
about  a  month  arter;  and  somehow,  the  gloves 
was  billed  to  him  at  about  half  what  they  cost. 
Sam  ses  he  can't  make  it  out  nohow,  sense  he 
knows  he  paid  the  full  vally  for  'em. 

Now  the  duties  on  French  gloves  was  awful 
high,  a  darnation  sight  more'n  the  flimsy  things 
cost,  and  these  duties  Sam  did'nt  mean  to  pay. 

Well  the  gloves  got  to  London,  the  apprisers 
marked  'em  up  like  thunder,  and  the  consignee 
wouldn't  touch  'em.  When  the  time  come  to  sell 
'em  at  auction,  Sam  was  there,  examinin'  the 
goods,  and  putty  soon  he  sings  out : 

"  Hollo  !  here  mister,  there  ain't  a  pair  in  this 
box,  they'r  every  blessed  one  on  'em  made  for  the 
right  hand." 
19 


290  THE  WOODEN  DOUGH-NUTS 

This  sot  'em  all  to  lookin',  and  not  a  pair  was 
found  in  the  lot.  What  to  make  on't  they  didn't 
know,  no  mor'n  the  Frenchers, — but  sold  the 
gloves  must  be,  and  sold  they  was,  and  for  jest 
nothin'  at  all. 

"When  he'd  got  this  part  done  up  straight,  off  he 
shoved  for  Liverpool,  and  played  the  same  game. 
Then  he  sent  both  lots  off  together  to  some  other 
town,  and  had  'em  straightened  up,  and  sold  'em 
for  a  monstrous  big  figger. 

It  was  most  a  grand  spec,  and  a  superfine  rise 
out  of  the  Bulls,  that's  a  fact.  The  wool  was 
pulled  over  their  eyes  a  leetle  the  slickest,  and  no 
mistake. 

You  never  ketch  Sam  tellin'  the  old  Judge  any 
of  them  dreadful  shines  he  used  to  cut,  when  he 
was  growin'  up.  I've  hearn  father  tell  of  some  on 
7em,  and  they  do  say  he  was  gi'n  up  by  all  the 
old  wimin  to  be  the  beatinest  critter  that  ever 
was  born  around  there. 

I  guess  the  wooden-nutmeg,  and  bass-wood- 
pumkin-seed  folks  must  have  got  their  idees  from 
him,  for  they  do  say  afore  he  was  ten  years  old, 
he  laid  in  with  a  boy  who  was  sarvin'  his  'prentis- 
ship  to  a  turner,  and  got  a  lot  of  black  walnut 
do-nuts  turned  out. 

Sam  took  'em  hum,  and  coaxed  old  aunt  Charity, 
— who  was  a  kind  of  help,  that  lived  to  his  father's 


THE  DOUGH-NUTS  CONFISCATED.  291 

— to  fry  'em,  when  she  was  makin'  fried  cakes, 
and  they  looked  jest  as  nateral  as  life. 

Well,  he  took  'em  to  school,  put  'em  in  his 
desk,  and  putty  soon  the  school-ma'am  ketched 
him,  chompin'  something  behind  his  Daboll. 

"  What  are  you  doin'  on  now,  Sam  ?"  says  she. 

"  I  ain't  a  doin'  nothing"  ses  he. 

"  You  needn't  tell  me  that,  you  obstropelous 
young  sinner,"  ses  she,  jumpin'  up  and  runnin'  to 
his  desk,  and  there  was  the  do-nuts,  lookin'  most 
pertikeler  elegant  and  invitin'. 

"  A  fine  lot  youVe  got  on  'em,"  said  she,  "  ain't 
ye  now,  Sam  ?  You  must  have  stole  all  aunt 
Charity  fried  last  night.  What  for  goodness* 
sakes  did  you  want  with  so  many  ?" 

"  I  wanted  to  go  a  fishin',  ma'am,"  ses  Sam,  a 
whimperin'  and  a  rubbin'  his  eyes  with  the  sleeve 
of  his  jacket. 

"  So,  you  was  a  goin'  to  run  away,  and  go  a 
fishin',  was  you?"  asked  she, — "now  you  be  absent 
this  week  jest  once,  and  I'll  take  yer  hide  off. 
Them  do-nuts  is  confiskated  accordin'  to  the  rules 
of  this  seminary ; — but  stop,  han't  you  got  no 
cheese  to  eat  with  'em  ?" 

"  No,  marrn, — I  wasn't  a  goin'  to  eat  7em,"  says 
he. 

"  Now,  Sam  Slick,"  ses  she,  "  you've  told  lies 
enough  in  all  conscience,  and  if  you  open  yer 


292  THE  WOODEN  DOUGH-NUTS. 

head  to  speak  agin  this  day,  I'll  give  ye  two  dozen 
with  the  ruler." 

When  play-time  come,  she  give  all  the  children 
a  do-nut  apiece, — all  but  Sam,  and  she  told  him 
he  could  stay  in  and  have  the  pleasure  of  seein* 
her  eat  her  shere. 

She  picked  up  one,  and  made  a  big  bite  at  it — 
and  crack  went  two  teeth,  broke  short  off. 

"  Oh,  lordy  massy !"  ses  she,  a  holdin'  her  hand 
to  her  mouth,  "  what's  all  this  ?" 

She  looks  right  clus  at  the  do-nut,  takes  her 
penknife  and  whittles  it  a  leetle,  and  jest  as  she 
picks  up  the  ruler  to  dress  Sam  down,  in  busts 
the  hull  school,  a  howlin'  and  yellin', — some  on 
'em  with  teeth  out,  some  with  their  mouths  bleed- 
in',  and  one  hungry  chap  had  got  his  do-nut  into 
his  mouth,  and  couldn't  git  it  out. 

When  she'd  got  'em  pacified,  and  pulled  out 
the  do-nut,  Sam  was  called  up. 

"  Now,  Sam,"  says  she,  "  this  is  your  last  caper. 
You've  got  to  the  eend  of  yer  rope.  I'm  goin'  to 
give  you  sech  a  quiltin7  as  '11  keep  ye  warm  the 
rest  of  the  winter,  and  then  turn  ye  out  of 
school." 

"  What  fer?"  ses  Sam. 

"  What  fer?  ye  deceivin'  critter!—"  Why,  fer 
bringin7  wooden  do-nuts  here,"  ses  she — "  and  ru- 
inin'  my  teeth,  and  thje  dear  childern's,  too." 


SAM  GETS  A  QUILTING.  293 

"  I  ain't  done  no  sech  thing,"  ses  he.  "  I 
brought  a  lot  of  floats  for  a  small  seine,. that  father 
told  me  to  take  to  Uncle  Nathan's,  and  you  went 
and  took  7em  away.  You  touch  me  if  you  dare, 
and  I'll  tell  father  and  the  school-committee,  how 
you  take  all  our  things,  and  keep  'em,  and  get  yer 
dinners  out  of  us  every  day." 

Sam  had  her  there,  and  she  began  to  be  a  leetle 
mite  skeared ;  so,  ses  she,  in  a  milder  way — 

"How  does  it  happen,  Sam,  that  these  floats 
have  been  fried  ?" 

"  To  keep  the  water  out,  so's  they  won't  rot," 
answers  he. 

"  But  why  didn't  you  tell  me,  when  you  saw  me 
tryin'  to  eat  'em?" 

"  Cause,"  ses  he,  "  you  told  me  you'd  quilt  me, 
if  I  open'd  my  head." 

"  So  Sam  got  off  then — but  havin'  to  go  round 
and  tell  the  turner's  boy  what  the  upshot  of  the 
matter  was,  it  happen'd  that  the  story  got  hum 
afore  him.  And  when  he  come  to  the  barn,  his 
father  was  standin'  in  the  door,  and  give  him  an 
invite  to  come  in. 

"  Now,  Sam,"  ses  he,  "  I'm  goin'  to  quilt  you. 
Not  for  playin'  the  trick— which  I  do  think  was 
most  amazin'  smart — only  the  children  hadn't 
ought  to  have  suffered  for  the  school-marm's 
greediness,  but  because  you  didii't  git  out  on't 


294:  THE  WOODEN  DOUGH-NUTS. 

without  tellin'  a  lie,  and  luggin'  me  and  your  Uncle 
Nathan  inter  the  scrape." 

"  Look  heah,  Nutmegs !"  asked  Uncle  Billy, 
"  Wer  your  Cousin  Sam  the  man  who  first  speci- 
lated  in  wooden  hams  ?" 

"  Not  by  a  jug-full,"  replied  Bunce,  "  that  was 
done  by  some  cute  feller  out  to  Kentucky  I 
guess." 

"  I  have  seen  some  sharper  things  done  than 
that,"  said  Mr.  Wiggins. 

"  Hoopee  !  ef  Wiggins  hasn't  opened  his  head," 
shouted  Uncle  Billy.  "  Why,  stranger,  I  reckoned 
you  wer  a  kinder  dry  bayou,  swaller'd  all  you 
could  git,  and  never  let  none  go  ;  but  yer  on  a  trail 
now.  Open  away,  and  give  tongue,  like  a  good 
feller." 


CHAPTEE  XXVIH. 

SHAKP  FINANCIERING,  AND  DEAR  INDIAN  MEAL. 

"  THE  smartest  business  affair,  to  my  knowledge, 
and  the  one  which,  though  small  in  itself,  produ- 
ced the  most  important  results,"  commenced  Mr. 
Wiggins,  "  was  intimately  connected  with  the  re- 
sumption of  specie  payments  in  '42.  It  was  honest, 
too,  or  at  least  what  business-men  call  honest. 

At  the  house  in  which  I  boarded  lived  a  very 
shrewd  Yankee,  who  had  come  out  there  to  intro- 
duce some  new  kind  of  roofing,  of  which  he  was 
the  patentee.  The  man's  name  I  think  was  Kel- 
log,  or  something  like  it. 

One  day  Kellog  wanted  a  little  change,  to  use 
in  paying  off  his  hands,  and  so  went  into  the  Citi- 
zens' Bank,  and  asked  them  to  oblige  him  with 
silver  for  a  five  dollar  bill.  New  Orleans  French- 
men are  never  particularly  civil  to  any  but  their 
own  caste,  and  a  Yankee  is  their  especial  abomi- 
nation ;  so  that  Kellog  received  a  short  and  insult- 
ing refusal. 

295 


296    SHAEP  FINANCIERING  AND  DEAR  INDIAN  MEAL. 

He  retaliated  pretty  sharply,  hard  words  fol- 
lowed, and  he  was  ejected  from  the  bank.  As  he 
went  out  of  the  bank  he  told  them  that  they 
should  pay  for  this,  and  they  did. 

Kellog  was  about  ready  to  leave  for  the  North. 
In  a  few  days  he  had  closed  up  his  business,  and 
collected  his  money,  amounting  to  about  three 
thousand  dollars.  This  he  soon  changed  into  five- 
dollar  bills  of  the  Citizens'  Bank. 

The  next  step  was  to  retain  an  able  lawyer,  and 
one  who  was  willing  to  carry  on  his  suits  in  the 
lowest  court.  In  this  he  succeeded. 

As  to  legal  advice,  Kellog  did  not  want  it.  He 
had  spent  many  a  night  in  turning  over  the  Lou- 
isiana statutes — that  alone  governed  the  decision 
of  the  inferior  courts — and  soon  made  two  grand 
discoveries.  Their  laws  may  have  been  since 
changed,  and  from  the  results  of  these  very  suits, 
but  I  know  that  they  were  in  existence  then. 

First — That  the  holder  of  any  bill  of  exchange 
or  post  note,  or  bill  of  any  kind  for  money,  could, 
in  case  of  default  of  payment  when  due,  collect 
from  the  maker  or  makers  the  amount,  double  ex- 
change, and  double  interest — which  would  be  six- 
teen per  cent,  per  annum. 

Second — That  in  all  suits  for  an  amount  not  ex- 
ceeding twenty  dollars,  the  decisions  of  the  infe- 
rior courts  were  final,  and  did  not  admit  of  appeal. 


A  PKECIOTJS  ROW.  297 

Kellog  instituted  a  separate  suit  against  the 
bank  for  every  five-dollar  bill  in  his  possession. 

The  bank  employed  the  ablest  counsel  in  the 
city,  but  perfectly  in  vain,  and  Kellog  gained  the 
suit  on  the  first  bill.  The  bank  then  "  caved," 
and  offered  to  take  up  the  remainder  of  the  notes 
with  specie — but  no;  Kellog  would  have  every  jot 
and  tittle  of  his  pound  of  flesh,  principal,  inter- 
est and  all  the  legal  expenses  that  he  could  pile 
on.  The  bank  would  not  pay  at  first ;  but  an  exe- 
cution upon  their  furniture  brought  them  to  their 
senses,  and  Kellog  left  New  Orleans  as  soon  as 
possible,  with  quite  a  little  fortune. 

The  suit  was  brought  on  upon  a  Monday.  One 
week  from  that  date  the  New  Orleans  Banks  com- 
menced paying  specie,  without  giving  any  pre- 
vious notice.  The  other  solvent  banks  in  the 
country  were  obliged  to  follow  their  example. 
Municipality  money  was  thrown  out,  and  went 
down  very  low  indeed. 

For  an  entire  week,  we  had  the  greatest  riot 
that  New  Orleans  has  yet  seen.  Then  the  waves 
subsided,  and  the  stream  of  finance  has  since 
flowed  smoothly  on,  only  somewhat  checked  at 
times  by  low  water. 

Kellog,  who  was  a  very  talkative  man,  had  kept 
this  matter  to  himself  until  the  very  day  of  the 
trial,  and  then  asked  me  to  be  present.  I  could 


298   SHARP  FINANCIERING-  AND  DEAR  INDIAN  MEAL. 

not  believe  him,  but  he  was  confident  that  he 
would  carry  his  point,  and  he  did. 

It  was  singular  that  I  should  have  been  in  some 
manner  connected  with  the  commencement  of  the 
suspension  of  specie  payments,  as  well  as  with 
their  resumption. 

In  the  last  part  of  the  Spring  of  '47, 1  returned 
to  New  Orleans,  from  the  prairie  regions  of  the 
State.  It  was  on  a  Sunday  when  I  returned,  and  I 
was  to  leave  on  the  next  day  for  the  North.  I  had 
with  me  quite  an  amount  in  bills  of  various  banks 
in  New  Orleans,  Natchez,  and  Yicksburg.  I  in- 
tended to  have  given  them  to  the  clerk,  and  have 
taken  up  country  money  from  him  when  we  ar- 
rived at  Cincinnati,  but  desiring  some  specie,  I 
went  into  a  bank  in  Canal  street,  "  The  Merchants' 
and  Mechanics'  Bank,"  I  believe — and  offered 
them  four  five-dollar  bills,  of  which  three  were  on 
that  very  bank. 

The  teller  counted  me  out  fifteen  Mexican  dol- 
lars, and  threw  back  one  of  the  bills,  saying — 
"  they  had  enough  to  do  to  pay  their  own  bills, 
without  cashing  those  of  other  banks." 

"  Indeed,  Sir,"  said  I,  « if  you're  so  badly  off 
as  that,  I  think  I  shall  prefer  even  the  "  Mexicans" 
to  your  bills,  for  travelling  companions, — here  are 
three  hundred  dollars — I  will  thank  you  for  them 
in  specie — would  prefer  gold." 


SHELLING  OUT.  299 

"  You'll  get  no  gold  in  this  shop,  stranger,"  said 
he,  "  and  I'd  pay  you  in  coppers,  if  I  had  them." 

So  as  I  could  get  neither  gold  nor  good  treat- 
ment, I  sacked  my  dollars  in  my  handkerchief, 
made  for  a  broker's  office,  and  found  gold  four 
per  cent,  premium,  Northern  sight  exchange  four, 
and  United  State's  bank-bills  six.  Mississippi 
money,  the  man  assured  me,  was  "  no  whar  ;" — 
they  had  bought  on  Saturday,  but  declined  it 
then  at  any  price. 

I  had  just  time  to  draw  the  specie  on  what 
other  city  bills  I  had,  and  to  reach  the  boat  as 
they  were  hauling  in  the  plank.  I  selected  all 
the  Natchez  and  Vicksburg  bills,  and  handed  the 
rest  to  the  clerk,  requesting  him  to  pay  them  out 
as  soon  as  possible. 

Among  our  passengers  was  a  man  who  had  a 
government  draft  upon  a  Natchez  bank,  for  two 
hundred  and  twenty-five  thousand  dollars,  and  also 
a  heavy  draft  on  Yicksburg.  This  was  casually 
told  me  by  the  clerk. 

The  moment  of  our  arrival  at  Natchez,  I  jumped 
on  shore,  took  a  carriage  and  drove  up  town  in 
haste,  got  my  bill  turned  into  specie,  and  then  re- 
turned myself. 

It  was  the  last  of  the  bank's  specie  payments  ; 
the  government  agent  was  close  behind  me  ;  I  met 
him  as  I  went  out.  The  bank  could  not  honor  the 


300   SHARP  FINANCIERING  AND  DEAR  INDIAN  MEAL. 

draft ;  he  protested  it ;  the  bank  suspended,  and 
down  like  a  pile  of  bricks  went  every  one  of  its 
congeners — north,  south,  east  and  west. 

I  cashed  my  Vicksburg  bills  also,  and  the  same 
day  their  banks  closed ; — so  you  will  see  I  can 
justly  say  that  I  was  in  some  manner  connect- 
ed with  both  the  suspension  and  resumption  of 
specie  payments." 

u  Say,  you !  quit  that !"  roared  out  Bunce, 
jumping  up  in  a  hurry,  "  Who  7n  thunder  's  been 
pourin'  water  down  my  neck  ?" 

"  There,  there,  my  son,"  said  Uncle  Billy,  pat- 
ting him  on  the  back,  "  there ;  now  don't  go  to 
cavortin'  round  here.  No  one's  poured  ar'y  drap 
of  water  down  yer  neck.  YeVe  been  asleep, 
Nutmegs,  and  it's  sot  inter  rainin'  like  a  day's 
work, — jest  listen  ;  ain't  thar  a  gush  on't  comin? 
Ef  ye  will  go  to  sleep  right  under  a  leak,  lay  yer 
consated  head  on  the  table,  and  leave  a  hole 
atween  yer  neck  and  that  dern  no-'count  shirt 
collar,  ye  mustn't  mind  a  drap  or  two  findin'  their 
way  in." 

"  Drop  er  two,"  retorted  Bunce,  "  wish  I  may 
be  chizzled  if  there  wasn't  a  bucketful;  but  it 
does  rain  powerful,  that's  a  fact.  Judge,  heave 
on  a  stick  or  two  on  our  fire,  will  ye  ?  and  Uncle 
Billy,  you've  stuck  to  that  are  old  peach  long 
enough — jest  pass  it  along." 


CREEK  WITHOUT  A  MASTER.  301 

Having  refreshed  himself,  Bunce  turned  to 
Wiggins,  and  said  :  "  Well,  now  about  them  cute 
rises,  you  was  agoin'  to  tell  on." 

"  Why,  bless  your  lively-lookin'  picter,  Sam 
Slick,"  exclaimed  Koberts,  "  heah's  the  little 
marchant  been  a  talkin'  like  a  book,  and  a  tel- 
lin'  true  stories  to  your  Uncle  Billy, — he  liked 
?em,  he  did;  none  of  your  no'count  or'nary 
holawagos  yarns,  and  you've  been  a  snorin'  away 
like  an  old  he-bar  in  a  hard  freeze,  with  his 
paws  in  his  mouth.  Why,  man,  ye  purred  ekul 
to  a  young  painter." 

"  Oh,  let  Sam  alone,"  said  the  doctor,  "  an'  jest 
inform  me  what  you  mean  by  "  holy  waggon  ?" 

"  Holawagos,  stranger, — holawagos,"  returned 
.Roberts,  "that's  Creek." 

"  What  do  you  mean,  Uncle  Billy  ?"  again  en- 
quired the  doctor,  "  is  it  a  branch,  a  bayou,  or 
what  ?" 

"Nither  branch  ner  bayou,"  replied  Roberts, 
"  hit's  Creek, — Creek  Injin.  When  I  was  a  chunk 
of  a  boy,  father  did  right  smart  Injin  tradin',  and 
I  sorter  helped  him.  You  could  trade  right  piert 
on  two  words,  holawagos  and  suchos  cM.  One 
means  (  no  '  count  J  and  t'other  c  all  gone?  What- 
sumever  they  bed  to  trade,  it  wer'  aller's  holawagos, 
and  ef  they  wanted  anything,  and  hadn't  got  the 
Mexikins,  er  the  skins,  then  that  was  suchos  che  ! 


302  SHARP  FINANCIERING. 

Arter  awhile  they  begin  to  larn  the  meanin'  to 
their  own  words,  and  play  'em  off  on  us,  as  piert 
as  a  puppy,  and  that  didn't  pay  not  hafe  so  well." 

"  Well,  gentlemen,"  resumed  Mr.  Wiggins, 
"  since  Mr.  Bunce  did  not  hear  me,  and  as  my 
story  was  not  of  the  wooden  ham  species,  with 
your  permission  I  will  relate  one  that  is." 

"  Good  as  wheat,  fust  rate,"  interrupted  Bunce. 

"  Some  years  since  I  was  descending  the  Mis- 
sissippi on  the  old  Madison,"  said  Wiggins.  "  We 
were  drawin'  near  to  Mills'  Point,  when  I  observed 
the  captain  and  clerk  on  the  hurricane  deck,  ex- 
amining, with  a  spy-glass,  the  crowd  assembled  at 
the  landing,  and  also  evidently  very  much  amused 
at  something. 

"  Up  on  the  wheel  I  clarnber'd,  and  so  to  the 
spot  where  the  officers  were  standing.  As  I  came 
up  the  captain  asked 

"  Can  you  see  him  now  ?" 

"  No  sir.  Stop — stop !  yes  I  can.  He  has  not 
found  us  out  yet.  Now  he  has  though,  and  is 
taken  with  a  leaving  immediately." 

Being  well  acquainted  with  the  captain,  after 
the  boat  had  made  her  landing,  left,  and  was  once 
more  steadily  moving  down  stream,  I  determined 
to  get  wind  of  the  fun. 

"  Captain  Freeman,"  said  I, — "  if  not  an  impro- 
per question — "I  should  like  to  know  what  was 


A  PERSEVERING  CHARACTER.  303 

going  on  at  Mill's  Point  just  before  we  landed, 
that  amused  you  and  Finch  so  much." 

"  Oh  !"  he  replied,  "  it's  a  regular  game  that  we 
have  with  a  man  named  Smith,  here — uncommon 
name,  is'nt  it — a  small  dealer  in  country  produce, 
but  the  most  self-important  man  on  the  Point. 
For  years,  at  whatever  time  we  landed — morn- 
ing, noon,  or  midnight — Smith  was  the  first  man 
on  board,  up  at  the  clerk's  office,  inquiring  for 
letters  and  goods,  which — as  he  had  neither  friends 
nor  acquaintance  above  nor  below — he  was  not 
very  likely  to  receive. 

At  last  we  brought  up  a  cask  of  wine-vinegar 
for  him,  shipped  by  a  Mills  Point  man,  who  had 
gone  down  with  us. 

If  half  the  cargo  had  been  consigned  to  Smith, 
he  could  not  have  made  more  fuss  about  it ;  and 
from  that  day  he  annoyed  the  clerks,  mates, 
and  me,  by  insisting  upon  it,  that  there  must 
be  something  on  board  for  him — demanding  to 
look  at  the  manifest,  overhauling  the  letters, 
and  raising  Cain  generally ;  so  that  I  determined 
not  to  stand  it  any  longer,  and  brought  him  up  a 
brandy  pipe  filled  with  water,  a  bill  of  lading 
from  an  imaginary  person,  with  sundry  charges 
specified  on  the  margin,  amounting  to  twelve  dol- 
lars, and  made  out  a  freight  bill  for  three  more. 

He  paid  his  fifteen  dollars,  received  his  brandy- 


304:    SHARP  FINANCIERING  AND  DEAK  INDIAN  MEAL. 

pipe,  and  has  never  troubled  us  since — not  that  he 
has  in  the  least  lost  his  taste  for  boarding  steam- 
ers, but  he  don't  like  the  old  "  Madison,"  and  when 
he  makes  her  out,  invariably  takes  the  shute.'7 

"  He  was  well  sold,"  said  I.  "  How  came  you 
to  think  of  it  ?" 

The  captain  looked  at  me  with  a  queer  twinkle 
in  his  eye,  and  said — "  I'll  tell  you,  if  you  promise 
to  keep  dark.  I  paid  for  learning.  Not  long  be- 
fore this  happened,  two  young  men  came  on 
board  at  New  Orleans,  who  had  thirty  pipes  of 
gin  to  ship  to  a  leading  house  in  St.  Louis.  They 
trotted  about  the  Levee  to  every  St.  Louis  boat, 
trying  to  beat  down  the  freight,  and  finally,  as  I 
was  nearly  full,  and  anxious  to  get  off,  we  took 
the  lot  very  low. 

There  were  marginal  charges,  for  freight 
from  New  York,  insurance,  cartage,  storage,  &c., 
amounting  on  the  whole  to  over  three  hundred 
and  fifty  dollars,  which  the  clerk  paid.  When 
the  "  Madison"  arrived  at  St.  Louis,  the  con- 
signees knew  nothing  about  any  such  shipment, 
but  took  the  casks  and  paid  the  charges — which, 
by-the-way,  we  had  the  pleasure  of  refunding 
afterwards — for  the  casks  proved  to  contain  noth- 
ing stronger  than  Mississippi  water.'' 

"  Well,  that's  some,"  said  Bunce,  "  but  ft  aint 
quite  up  to  what  I  read  on  in  a  Orleens  paper, 


DEAR  INDIAN  MEAL.  305 

when  I  was  down  to  Galveston  t'  other  day,  how 
a  chap  shipped  fifty  ceroons  of  cochineal,  went 
with  the  man  who  forked  over  the  pewter  for  the 
bills  on  Liverpool,  cut  one  of  the  skins  open,  and 
showed  a  most  a  splendid  article — jest  about  the 
fust  best,  the  man  said — put  three  thousand  dol- 
lars in  his  pocket,  and  marvel'd ;  and  when  the 
stuff  got  across  the  water,  it  turned  out  that  forty- 
nine  outer  the  fifty  was  filled  with  injun-meal." 
20 


CHAPTER  XXIX. 

SAM   SLICK  IN  MISCHIEF. 

"  THIS  Injin  meal  bisnis,"  continued  Bunce, 
"  'minds  me  of  another  of  Sam's  obstropelous 
shines.  There  was  an  old  lady,  a  kinder  help, 
hired  to  Sam's  father's  when  he  was  a  boy.  Aunt 
Charity  was  a  dredful  good  sort  of  a  critter, — did 
all  kinds  of  home  chores" 

"  Excuse  me,  Sam,"  interrupted  I,  "  but  is  that 
the  identical  female  that  fried  the  wooden  dough- 
nuts ?" 

"  Certin,"  said  he,  "  certin, — the  very  critter. 
Now  what  could  have  sot  Sam  to  cuttin'  up  a 
caper  with  her,  I  can't  see.  He'd  ought'er  been 
ashamed  of  himself. 

Aunt  Charity  was  a  most  amazin'  smoker,  and 
had  her  pipe  in  her  mouth  putty  much  the  hull 
time.  When  sabbath  come,  she  allers  waited  'till 
the  folks  was  gone,  and  then  lit  her  pipe  and 

started  all  alone  by  herself — smoked  away  till  she 
306 


SMELLING  POWDER.  307 

got  nigh  the  meetin'  house,  and  then  shook  out 
the  fire  and  tucked  the  pipe  in  her  garter. 

One  Sunday  she  was  a  joggin'  on  to  meetin'  as 
usual,  had  shook  out  the  ashes  from  her  pipe 
when  she  come  to  the  right  place,  tucked  the  pipe 
in  her  garter,  and  was  within  a  couple  of  rods  of 
the  door,  where  all  the  wimmen  and  boys  was  a 
standing,  when  all  of  a  sudden  suthin'  goes  che 
bang  !  a  cloud  of  blue  smoke  comes  up  from  under 
the  poor  critter's  clothes,  and  bein'  scared  out 
of  what  little  sense  she  had,  down  she  sot  very 
quiet  in  the  middle  of  the  road. 

The  folks  at  the  door  heard  the  noise  and 
see  the  smoke,  and  in  a  minit  she  had  a  crowd 
around  her,  askin'  her  all  sorts  of  questions,  but 
all  she  did  was  to  look  up  in  their  faces,  with 
the  corners  of  her  mouth  drawd  down,  her  eyes 
big  as  sassers,  and  a  kinder  vacant  smile  beam- 
in'  on  her  smoke-dried  old  phizog,  so  that  the 
folks  couldn't  hardly  help  bustin'  out  a  laughin'. 

At  last  an  old  lady,  who'd  been  a  sniff-sniffin', 
threw  her  nose  up  in  the  air,  draw'd  in  a  long 
breath,  and  ses  she 

"  Seems  to  me,  1  kin  "kinder  smell  pander  /" 

At  this  critical  juncture  in  Mr.  Bunce's  tale, 
we  were  all  startled  by  a  loud  and  discordant 
whang!  whang  I  clikety  clang!  which  seemed 
to  proceed  from  the  porch  of  our  building. 


CHAPTEE  XXX. 

AT  THE  END  OF  HIS  ROPE. 

WE  were  upon  our  feet  in  a  moment,  but  before 
any  one  had  time  to  speak  again,  on  the  porch, 
and  nearer  to  our  door  resounded — 

Whang  !     "Whang !     Clickity  clang  ! 

"  House  afire,  by  mighty  1"  exclaimed  Uncle 
Billy. 

Another  peal  of  the  bell,  and  a  loud  rap  at  the 
door,  caused  all  hands  to  cry  out, 

"  Come  in." 

The  door  opened,  admitting  a  very  faint  kind  of 
day-light — that  seemed  to  have  had  all  its  bril- 
liance and  color  washed  out  by  the  heavy  rain — 
and  the  mop  head  of  Eushey. 

"  Breffus  am  ready,  genelum,"  said  that  person, 
"  an'  mistis  say  'fu  ain't  right  smart  de  hot  flour 
bread  '11  be  done  gone." 

"Sam,"  exclaimed  Uncle  Billy — shaking  his 
fist  at  Bunce — "  this  is  your  work ;  up  all  night, 

a  harkin'  to  your  consarned  yarns." 
308 


END  OF  THE  ROPE.  309 

"Ohpsho,"  said  Bunce,  "111  finish,  and  then 
we'll  go  to  breakfast.  '  I  smell  pauderj  sed  the 
old  woman " 

"  No  you  don't,  Sam",  I  exclaimed.  "  I  think 
the  gentlemen  will  all  agree  with  me,  that  you 
have  at  last  arrived  at  the  end  of  your  rope." 

THE  END. 


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